To ask, if you had your time again, would you have kids?

[UndecidedOne]

My husband and I don't have kids yet (he's 32 and I'm 27). We have bought a bigger house in preparation for starting a family, but I'm just not sure if I want kids or not. So would you have kids again if you could start over? And what do you like and dislike about being a parent?

Yes.

Just spent day in London with ds 13. Had s great time.

Never had a problem with them running around screaming. I'm going to sound boring - most kids (if they are neuro typical etc) are what you put into them. If you do the putting in, in the beginning it is easier.

Yes, 100%

I have one with a myriad of health issues -eczema, allergies, a weird undiagnosed dermatological condition that has all his doctors stumped, and one with SEN, as yet undiagnosed but likely high functioning autism. I wouldn't be without them.

What I dislike about being a parent: not being able to have a shit in peace, the worry when they're ill or hurt, that it's never quiet.

What I love: their lovely little warm bodies snuggled in, their cute little snores that are barely audible, tiny little hands that close tightly around my fingers to cross the road or just because, badly folded pieces of paper with one line scrawled on it - "Mummy, I made you a card", kisses and cuddles, the pride when they do something for the first time, or when they do something better than they did last time, that it's never quiet. And a million other things besides.

Having kids is life-changing, and only you can know whether those changes are going to be ones you can live with. But I would say, unless you're sure you want them, don't have them. You really need to be sure.

I think I am maternal to a point, We have cats and I'm always fussing over them, making sure they get lots of attention. And yes I am aware cats don't compare to actual children

We are in a decent financial position and wouldn't start trying till next year anyway, just to pay more off on our mortgage

I’d be interested to hear the dads on here and what they have to say. I’m thinking of a couple of male friends who totally regret having dc and how it changed (ruined, apparently) their relationships. 😥

Yes, though I have discovered I am not a natural mother. I found babyhood boring, frustrating and lonely. I had them in my 40s and my husband passed away when they were 4 and 6 so it has been tough, but they are teens now and so the slog is done (they still think I'm their slave but at least I don't have to dress/feed/bathe/entertain them).
They are on the cusp of becoming adults and are so much their own people yet still I see so much of myself in my daughter and my husband in my son.
And if i didn't have them as a reason to get up every day and carry on after my husband died I don't know what kind of life I'd have now. They are my reason for living, but I am also totally my own person with a separate non-child centred life I can start to enjoy again now that they are much more self sufficient.
I do have many friends who do not have kids. One did say as she gets older she occasionally asks herself 'is this it'? But if you have interests and passions etc and are both on the same page about whether or not to have kids, then all the best.
But with all the will in the world, things do not always turn out as planned.

I don't regret having any of them. Wouldn't change it for the world.
Yes some days suck and my pelvic floor will never be the same again but these are far out weighed by those perfect moments when I wish I could freeze time - the after bath bed time snuggles and story, the moments even the eldest crawls up on the sofa (she's 22!) to cuddle her Mum and chew over the days events.

Yes, mine are far from easy at times but watching them learn and grow is amazing. I love them so much and they bring me excitement and joy every day. It costs a lot and is exhausting but I take such pleasure in theirs!

Yes I would and I have four. They are grown up now and sometimes I look at them and can’t believe they are mine.

They have grown into caring, thoughtful, kind, wonderful adults with good friends. I feel very proud of them they would help any one and I sometimes hear little snippets of kindness that they have done. They are well thought of by their work colleagues. I know this because people have told me and last year I witnessed it. I can’t go into it because it might be too outing but the local paper picked up on something that they and their organised for someone else.

It sounds like you are not ready yet. My daughter is your age and they have taken two years out and gone travelling.
Other people’s children are never as good as your own. Although you can love nieces and nephews a lot they aren’t quite the same as your own. Maybe give yourselves another year or two. I had mine young and the only thing I would maybe do differently would be to start a little later.

I adore them but Probably not . . .
And if i did, I'd wait til mid to late 30s at least (had 1st one at 30)

Yes, they are pretty wonderful people, my kids. I wish I could have more, but I’m 53 .

100% I would have them but not with the men I had them with and If I had my time again I wouldn't get married

Their friends ... oops!

Yes, without a moment's hesitation. My dd is my greatest source of joy and fulfilment. I love her to bits, and although I'm sure my life would be interesting and meaningful without her, it's all the richer for having her in it. She is by far and away the best thing in my life.

However, I have some friends who deeply regret motherhood, even though they adore their children.

I guess it depends on so many variables - your own personality and how easily parenting comes to you, your partner's personality and level of commitment, your dc's personality/ies, how many children you have and what age gaps between them, your financial situation, your age, whether you work or not, and what kind of work you do/how flexible it is, how much support you get from your family, whether your friends have kids at the same time as you, whether your children are happy and healthy.

I think a lot of it is just the luck of the draw to be honest.

Absolutely. Mine are adults now. They have brought us so much joy ( and heartache). My DH and I were happy for 11 years before I had DS1 and I am sure we would have been fine without children but I am so glad we had them.

Absolutely definitely.

It’s much harder than I thought and I bloody hated pregnancy and delivery (2 sections). But I adore my kids more than I thought possible, even though they can be nightmares at times.

My dc are adults now. At times I have hated how intense the anxiety is when they are having difficult times . I can’t say I’ve loved every minute and it was physically exhausting when they were young and mentally exhausting when they were teenagers. But they are the most important and worthwhile part of my life and I wouldn’t want to have missed that experience . Wish I had done it better tho

100% yes, I adore them but I have found it very hard and now I know what I know I understand why people don't.

Definitely. I loved my child free days. I worked hard, travelled, went out with friends, did crazy spontaneous things, lazed around.
Now I have 3 kids and I still work hard, travel, go out with friends, laze around and do some spontaneous things.
I love doing it all with them.
It’s hard work and sleep deprivation in the early years can tip you over but there’s also lots of good stuff.
You don’t know the child you’ll get, but make sure the father of that child is supportive, decent and enhances your and your (future) children’s lives.

No.

I love my children deeply, but I have lived a different life to the one I would have had if I hadn't had them. And I don't think it has been a better life.

Although, of course if I hadn't had them then I wouldn't know that and so would probably have them...

most kids (if they are neuro typical etc) are what you put into them

Hmm... As an addendum to my previous "no" I wonder if I should mention that none of my three children (now teens and a young adult) are neuro typical.

Yes but with the caveat that I'd do everything fun I ever wanted to do in my life BEFORE having kids. Kids essentially ruin your life; that is your old, feckless, carefree, happy, footloose laidback life. You never get it back, and so if you're remotely attached to it or ambivalent about losing it then don't have kids because they fuck up everything you own and you never get a moments peace again.

Obviously they are amazing and I love mine more than life itself but if you really like long uninterrupted baths, popping out to the shop on a whim, disposable income, sleep, holidays etc etc then do not have them.
If you're ready to move on from those things then would 100% recommend kids.

Agree @Cherrysoup - I would add that having kids is a huge strain on a relationship. Definitely my (and I imagine most womens) attention moves from their husband exclusively to your children, which do kinda take over your emotional as well as your physical energy. That's hard for some people to deal with. By the time it swings back, there may not be the same connection that brought you together in the first place. Though that may happen over time, children or no children.

I'm not naturally maternal and yet I would do it all over again in a heartbeat and have more if I could. BUT my dh is fantastically supportive and I think that makes all the difference tbh. And I love the baby and infant stage.

The world "clicked" for me once I gave birth, everything suddenly made sense, and having children has led me down so many interesting roads and presented me with so many challenges and has generally enriched and expanded my life hugely.

I have teens and I am not going to lie it's a bit hellish ATM but I love them to death even though virtually every conversation ends in an argument currently.

Yes! But you’re in no rush. No one knows what they’re going to get so don’t go for it unless you’re BOTH really up for it. Our marriage is happier and stronger for DC but that’s sadly so often not the case. It’ll be the biggest shared project of your lives so go in with your eyes wide open and share your expectations with each other 100% honestly first.