To ask, if you had your time again, would you have kids?

[UndecidedOne]

My husband and I don't have kids yet (he's 32 and I'm 27). We have bought a bigger house in preparation for starting a family, but I'm just not sure if I want kids or not. So would you have kids again if you could start over? And what do you like and dislike about being a parent?

lisasimpson yes I feel exactly the same. "Whatever we did, living like a 25 year old was coming to an end."

I would add I have a supportive partner, not a knob who reckoned MY life should do all the changing to accommodate children and that his should...well, change rather quite a bit less. And I have a job which if FT but flexible. The job I set up like that to the best I could. But I do wonder why so many women put up with the: "But he just can't ever drop off at school, make dinner, get to the childminder's on time." Or doing school drops offs in year 10,11 when public transport is there? Because they "have to." Maybe they secretly enjoy it all but feel they need to complain, I don't know.

No I wouldn't. I love my 2 kids, 33 and 36.
I had them relatively late and worked a hard job up to the last minute and straight back to work. I loved them so much and tried so hard to give them a good childhood. I must have failed miserably . I remarried 18 years ago. Dd has not spoken for over 11years and ds very rarely. The pain they caused me is horrible and far worse than wanting children and not having them . Sounds very all about me, but I have feelings that I cant shift.

Yes. They've changed my life for the better. If I could go back I would have had more and earlier. I would not have had the dog. (Don't tell him).

I love being a parent and I think its given my life some structure. I had mine in my mid 30's though and had a blast before having them, partying, travelling etc so was ready. However, the worrying about their future is quite draining. From worrying about their development as babies to worrying about schools to worrying about their settling I to secondary school to exam stress etc. I dont think it will ever end either. I dont know if I'd care as much about big things like Climate change or Brexit if I didnt have to think about their future.

childfree couples are not all travelling around the world all the time!

Why is there so often the assumption that if you don't have children you must have loads of money and travel and eat out all the time?

I must admit, I do often wonder why not?! The one thing I miss most about having children is the travel and eating out all the time!I had loads of money and time when I was single, despite having a demanding full time job and a mortgage.

Noodlenosefraggle well some people don't want to travel and/or eat out all the time.

Just because you choose not to have children certainly does not mean you are rich. Me and DH aren't and never have been. We have been pretty ok but never lots of spare money.

Obviously if you have only a minimum wage job you are not likely to have lots of spare money after paying a mortage/rent, food, bills etc.

I would have liked to have travelled more but we could not afford it. Luckily we are not that keen to eat out as usually it is pretty expensive and not that great. Both me and DH can cook as well if not better than most places we have been to.

Maybe a Michelin starred restaurant would serve decent food but even if we could afford it we certainly would not be eating anywhere like that.

I really wanted a baby, so much so I got pregnant by the wrong person at the wrong time. Dd(12) is a genuine delight, and brings me great joy.

The timing of the pregnancy meant I lost the chance to pursue a big opportunity that would have sent my life in a new direction. I'm quite conscious of the parallel version of me that would have been living that life. On balance, I'm happy that I made the choice I did, but I think I will also feel a pang or two about the alternative. But that's midlife for you, when there are always pangs for the road not taken.

All I can say, Chipper, is that I'm pleased that I got to experience life, so that gives me hope that dd will feel that too

lynsey that's true! I suppose it's easier to think the grass is greener and all the things I'd do if I had a spare £200-300 a month I'd have if I wasnt paying for after school clubs/swimming classes/ karate club/ music etc, none of it for me

Yes absolutely although I might change the timings a bit & prepare better.
But this can be said about ANYTHING in hindsight. Lol.
Not many people can say they wouldn't have their children again once they have them. The love is so strong.
If your not sure though, it might be really tough for you. I'd really work this out before getting pregnant.

@Noodlenosefraggle when we discussed whether to have children or not me and DH literally made a list of the pros and cons. One of the cons was that if we had children I would definitely want to be a stay at home mum and as the higher wage earner we could not afford that.

DH was a paramedic for many years and the pay then (not sure about now) was pitiful

100% would have them again. And young again too!
I’ve never experienced actually trying for a baby so I can’t comment on that but likes and dislikes? Like having little people around, they’re hilarious and cuddly and three of my very best friends. Dislikes they talk a lot and like to hog the bathroom

Yes absolutely! I had four children between the ages of 20 and 31. Loved having a busy, noisy house and miss it a bit now. Youngest is now 17 so DH and I have lots of freedom while we are still relatively young!

I'd start earlier and have more. I was never into kids at all, but mine are bloody great 😊😂

Absolutely would - it a given that children can be very tough and exhausting at times (I have two with mild SN) but having them has made my life so much fuller and more enjoyable I can’t even imagine not having had them. I think having children can bring you close together as a couple - I love seeing my husband develop as a dad- although of course having them can tear you apart if things are rocky to begin with and I had a big adjustment period going from being a couple to three. I think having kids makes you more patient and tolerant and makes you take things a bit slower sometimes . It gives you a new view on the world and an investment in the future. I can’t think of a day when my boys haven’t made me laugh (often to the point of tears) because they have said or done something leftfield. I also get a lot of pleasure from their achievements and victories - it’s like the focus from my ambitions has changed but it’s totally cool. It’s a real buzz when one of my boys conquers something he has been struggling with or goes outside his comfort zone.

If I had my time again I would of tried to get pregnant earlier. We started trying when I was 25 and eventually had my first at 30 and my last at 37.

I have three but wish I had been younger to have 4

I feel lucky I have a reasonable ok career and spend time on myself during the week but kids have given my life meaning and are just amazing. Yes life if hard and there is laundry and house work but holidays with the 5 of us can be so much fun.

I would but I would have waited another few years. I had mine when I was 30, so not particularly young but I think in some respect I was still quite immature.
However, becoming a mother has changed me completely. It gave me the confidence I’d never had before, I requalified, started a new career and I’m a different person now. I wish I’d done all that before I had DC but that’s just wishful thinking.

Yes. No question.

Definitely. I just wish I'd had them sooner when I had more energy and get to spend more of my life with them. My life is 100% unrecognisable now and it has been so hard and so stressful and in the early days I regretted having them. They were not planned at all. Ever. I had dreadful ppd as well.
Now they are easily the best part of my life. They are my life. My previous existence seems so aimless now. I thought I was living my best life, but I really wasn't. My sons bring me so much joy and watching them grow into amazing people is a privilege. I can't believe there was a time I didn't want this.
You'll be amazed at the things you find more tolerable when it's your own kids. I didn't like kids. Used to hide when people brought their babies into work. Used to avoid places with children. I never once held a baby or changed a nappy. I'm exhausted and I never get a break (single mum), but one look at their faces or hearing a 'mummy i love you' makes everything worthwhile.

Absolutely yes. To be honest, I often think that I need my DS more than he needs me. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 4 and I've discovered I'm nowhere near as patient as I thought, but I could never be without him now.

If I'm being honest with myself, I'd have waited a little longer and would have chosen a different man to have him with. There's many things that have been less than perfect, but for him I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I'd love a couple more if the opportunity ever arose.

Having kids is in turns gruelling, tedious, and almost unimaginably distressing; taking huge chunks of your life and sanity. But you do love them. Good luck OP whatever you go for!

:-) definitely

Absolutely. I'd have more. They are the reason for living. Partners, travel, careers, all that pales in comparison and certainly don't bring you unending joy throughout life. Do it and do it big!

I feel the total opposite to the poster above. No way would I do it again.