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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you had your time again, would you have kids?

416 replies

UndecidedOne · 02/02/2020 22:32

My husband and I don't have kids yet (he's 32 and I'm 27). We have bought a bigger house in preparation for starting a family, but I'm just not sure if I want kids or not. So would you have kids again if you could start over? And what do you like and dislike about being a parent?

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 04/02/2020 09:13

*I always find these threads really interesting, as someone who doesn't have DC. Even though initially DH & I tried for years, when it was evident it wasn't going to happen and we came to terms with it, I was surprised to feel relieved I'd never have that relentless worry or responsibility that having a child brings.

We have a wonderful life, I feel very lucky. I know I'll never have the experience of being a mum, but I've accepted you can't have everything in life and I'm very grateful for my blessings. And uninterrupted sleep every night.*

Same here. I’m at peace with it now.

Titsywoo · 04/02/2020 09:14

I hate these threads and hope they don't put people off having kids. Sure some people don't want kids and that's great but lots of people are on the fence (I was in my mid 20s) and that doesn't mean they shouldn't have kids. I know people who desperately wanted kids and then struggled badly when they had them (weight of expectation maybe?). My kids are one of the best things that ever happened to me. Sure I'd probably have more money and more free time but that's not enough for me to not have had all the wonderful things having kids has bought me. Yes it's been hard sometimes but it has also been wonderful.

In the end everyone is so different and everyones experiences so different that you can't really make a decision by asking other people. It's not tripadvisor! You can go for the lifestyle with the best reviews Grin.

Titsywoo · 04/02/2020 09:15

I said kids too many times in that post and I don't even like the word kids Hmm

Titsywoo · 04/02/2020 09:16

can't go for the lifestyle with the best reviews!

gaffamate · 04/02/2020 09:18

Yes but I'd try to get better support in place. We live miles from grandparents and it's been tough with no childcare outside of nursery hours. We haven't been out for five years as a result.

MouseTails · 04/02/2020 09:34

@PattiPrice most childfree people do get it - that's why they're childfree Grin

norealshepherds · 04/02/2020 09:38

Yes but much later in life

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 04/02/2020 09:52

Yes definitely and probably would start earlier and try for 3 rather than stop at 2.

BertieBotts · 04/02/2020 11:47

Yes, but older (over 30) and with a decent bloke who actually feels like a team and we help each other (ie not DS1's dad).

I don't like having to make dinner to some stupidly specific requirements every fucking day forever. I don't like having to make that choice between career/being home (being skint-er and feeling less of myself vs feeling like a terrible person abandoning their child) and the effect DC (young) have had on my career to start with. I don't like being skint and having to compromise on stuff I'd rather be able to do better. So having more money behind me would make this easier, probably. I don't like potty training or early starts for school/nursery. That's about it, the rest is OK :)

BertieBotts · 04/02/2020 11:49

Oh, I dislike worrying about them hurting/injuring themselves in some horrific accident. Or mundane thing like accidentally leaving a coin/button battery around at home and a toddler eating it. That kind of thing scares the life out of me and it's horrible living with that worry. It does lessen a bit as they get older although then you worry about them getting hit by a bus as they wander across a road with their headphones in etc.

BlueHarry · 04/02/2020 11:52

I honestly don't know. Love dd more than anything. It's almost impossible to decide because you just don't know how things would have turned out.

BlueHarry · 04/02/2020 11:53

Pregnancy triggered a condition I have which has severely impacted my life. But maybe something else would have triggered it if I'd never got pregnant. That's why I'm undecided.

Universalcreditwoes · 04/02/2020 11:53

Yes I would. It's hard work and I'm never alone. But I don't want to be alone...

I look forward to bed time but once they are asleep it is deathly quiet and I miss them and end up going to bed myself....

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 04/02/2020 12:48

I'd have had kids younger and I would have had more than one.

It's blown me away just how much I love being a Mum.

AngstyAnnie · 04/02/2020 13:02

Sure I'd probably have more money and more free time but that's not enough for me to not have had all the wonderful things having kids has bought me.

What wonderful things Titsywoo? Can you be more specific? I'm not being goady I promise! People are often vague and abstract about what children bring to their life. You hear "love" and "joy" thrown around but I'm interested in specifics. I sometimes often struggle to see the positives in parenting. I used to consider myself an optimist but since having DC I've become a bit "glass half full" and I'd think I need to change my attitude as they're here to stay Grin I'd like to focus on the positives... I just need to identify them first!

AngstyAnnie · 04/02/2020 13:02

*glass half empty even!

cologne4711 · 04/02/2020 13:12

it's been tough with no childcare outside of nursery hours. We haven't been out for five years as a result

We used to take a day off work for our birthdays and go out for lunch while ds was at nursery. Some MNers will flame you for it (indeed some of the people who work at the nurseries will flame you for it too - why aren't you spending every waking hour with your kids when you are not working) but why on earth shouldn't you enjoy some couple time?

To return to the OP, it's a difficult one because you don't know what you don't know, so had I never had my ds I wouldn't have known what I was missing. I don't know if I would have felt that my friends were moving on without me when they had kids. I also don't know what life would have been like work wise. It's very difficult to imagine your life without that little person.

The upsides outweigh the downsides but I did stick with one, I didn't want any more disruption to my life or starting the clock ticking again with a second one to when we'd have more freedom.

TakeANote · 04/02/2020 13:14

I wouldn’t want to wish my children out of existence but basically once I had them my life was over. I feel as though it basically ended. 20 years later and I still feel the same. Maybe that’s okay. Some days it’s not.

VK456 · 04/02/2020 13:17

If I’d known about the anguish, the heartache and the feelings of impotence when you can’t do anything, then it has to be no.

Thymelord · 04/02/2020 13:19

No. I don't really get why people have kids, I never have. There is just no appeal to me!

Ratonastick · 04/02/2020 13:44

I love DS16 more than I can possibly express. It is a genuinely deep and all encompassing love that I didn’t know about before him. It’s a cliche that used to make my bum cheeks clench (and still does) when I heard a parent saying it to someone without kids. BUT would I make a different decision if I had my time again? Yes I would. I have been a single parent for virtually all of his life and it has been so hard. I do feel that I have lost myself along the way and so many things I wanted to do and be are closed to me forever.

This is also something I can’t say out loud in real life for fear of causing terrible pain to those I love the most. But I would do it differently if I could do it again and I suspect I am not the only one (especially if this thread is anything to go by).

Lweji · 04/02/2020 15:24

BUT would I make a different decision if I had my time again? Yes I would. I have been a single parent for virtually all of his life and it has been so hard. I do feel that I have lost myself along the way and so many things I wanted to do and be are closed to me forever.

I don't get the same feelings, but I had my DS when I already had the most important part of my career done and dusted. If I had had him a lot sooner, things might have been very different.
With the benefit of hindsight I regret not doing some things that it was my choice not to make then, but TBH, if I went back, I'd probably not do them anyway because DS would always win.

MapMyMum · 04/02/2020 18:03

I would change a lot of things and decisions I've made, but not having kids, I would pick them 1000 times again and more

Becca83 · 04/02/2020 18:16

Absolutely! My girls are my life and my only regret is not having them sooner. I will say though, that they are so far "easy" children.

D4rwin · 04/02/2020 18:20

Yes. But when my ex left I would have cut contact. It's not worth trying to get a man to act like a parent.