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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you had your time again, would you have kids?

416 replies

UndecidedOne · 02/02/2020 22:32

My husband and I don't have kids yet (he's 32 and I'm 27). We have bought a bigger house in preparation for starting a family, but I'm just not sure if I want kids or not. So would you have kids again if you could start over? And what do you like and dislike about being a parent?

OP posts:
GothMummy · 04/02/2020 18:26

Yes I would have had more. Efore I got too old as well.

Titsywoo · 04/02/2020 18:42

What wonderful things Titsywoo? Can you be more specific?

Are your kids under 5? That's a tough bit so I can understand if you struggle to find the positives Grin

It's kind of hard to put into words. I love them more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. It's a wonderful feeling to me. They make me laugh everyday and now they are teenagers we have a great time together. When they were little they were cute and cuddly and I suppose hormones kept me from giving them away to the first passing stranger Grin Yes there were lots of tough times - toddlers are a nightmare. Yes sleep deprivation was a bugger. Yes i missed going out when I was breastfeeding and they wouldn't take the bottle. But watching them grow and all their silliness and cuteness and the fact that we made them and they are a part of us made up for it. They are growing into amazing people and are lots of fun to be around (bar the odd teenage strop).

Let me ask you - what is it that makes you think having children wasn't worth it?

Titsywoo · 04/02/2020 18:43

I feel as though it basically ended. 20 years later and I still feel the same

Can I ask why you feel like that?

BackBoiler · 04/02/2020 18:45

Yeah but then I never had afternoon snoozes and the like and they all sleep at reasonable times Grin

Gone2far · 04/02/2020 18:48

undoubtedly. Though perhaps it's cheating, because my 3 are in their 30s. The women I know of my age who haven't had children look about 10 years younger than me though.

AnxietyDream · 04/02/2020 19:23

I've found this a very interesting thread. I'd say yes, but mine are still tiny so it might well be too early to say!

I'm surprised at people mentioning things like going out to restaurants as a thing they'd rather do than have kids?! I like them occasionally but I'd find going restaurants all the time quite dull. But that's the point really, we are all different.

I didn't have a 'career' before (just a job) and I find kids much more fulfilling. They are bloody hard work, but so is anything really rewarding in my experience.

I was bored/done/tired of my pre-kids life. I wanted a change.

And it's much easier to describe the bad bits than it is the good bits. I.e. 'I was woken every two hours last night' is easy for a non parent to understand, but 'I watched my children playing a game they made up together this afternoon and it was genuinely fascinating and I was filled with a deep sense of complete satisfaction and happiness' probably makes no sense.

KnobberGob · 04/02/2020 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bananapuddles · 04/02/2020 19:28

No way

ThePolishWombat · 04/02/2020 19:29

Yes I would definitely have them. I just think in a different life I would have had them later.
I got married at 19, and I’m now a mum of 3 at 25.
Sometimes I feel like DH and I have missed out on all the holidays/partying/freedom our friends the same age have had....but then again, my friends who don’t have kids yet will likely still be doing the school run at 40, whereas I’ll have a 20 year old, a 19 year old and a 17 year old! I’m dreaming of lying on a sunbed somewhere, cocktail in hand while my adult children can take care of themselves!

AngstyAnnie · 04/02/2020 19:50

Are your kids under 5?

Yes they're two and three. It's relentless!

what is it that makes you think having children wasn't worth it see above Grin

I just find it incredibly draining 95% of the time. They're pretty good kids (well as good as two toddlers can be) but my eldest is incredibly intense and literally never gives me a minute. I'm introverted by nature and the constant noise, demands and incessant chatter often makes me want to weep. I've been chronically sleep deprived for two years and it's made the world a grey place and I'm often irritable as a result. I've had to sacrifice my career, my body, lifestyle and I'm stuck living in a place I hate which obviously isn't their fault (more of a DH problem) but adds to my overall frustration as I feel trapped and wondering if I made a huge mistake. Oh and the icing on the cake: my second pregnancy triggered an autoimmune disease that I'm now stuck with for life.

Despite my list of complaints Blush I love them dearly but I don't think I would want to do this again knowing what I know now... I do hope things will get better when they reach school age. I'm (naively?) hopeful I'll come into my own as the mother of older children.

Lazydaisydaydream · 04/02/2020 19:54

I think people's answers to this will vary based on the circumstances in which they had children in the first place.

We had years of fertility treatment to have our little boy. I wouldn't change a thing and would do it all again in a heartbeat because he has made me happier than I ever thought possible. I know from talking to friends who has kids quickly or unplanned that they don't feel the same way.

DuchessMinnie · 04/02/2020 19:57

I'm not sure actually. I think life was much easier with just cats. I am divorced with 100% of the care now and I haven't had a night off for over a year. I am so tired when I come home from work and then I have 2 other people to look after, mais packed lunches, wash uniforms etc. It is relentless. I love them both to bits but my life of long lazy Sundays and sunbathing all day is a nice distant memory. I was an older mum- 35 and 38- so I did have my freedom for a lot of years first.

firstimemamma · 04/02/2020 19:57

Yes, I love my beautiful ds and he is my whole world. I'd love more children some day. I adore motherhood!

Pros: the love, the happy memories and laughter, the pride, when they learn new things, the feeling of having your own family.

Cons: tiring, expensive, mum guilt, the worry.

oblada · 04/02/2020 20:07

Definitely! I have 3 (8, 5 and 3) and pregnant with 4th. Life with just dogs was fun though but DH and I never had loads of money or freedom pre kids so we don't miss that time. We had dogs before we had kids which meant we already couldn't just go out for dinner after work anyway and we spent loads of money and time on the dogs so never had fancy holidays either. We had kids early enough (I was 26, DH was 29 for our first) and we love the holidays we have with them now and going to nice restaurants with them etc.

CarolineIngalls · 04/02/2020 20:12

Absolutely. I have three and raising them has been the very best thing I have done. They are amazing people. Regardless what I accomplish in my career and community, being a mother to these three is a life well spent.

I am just back from a long weekend away, and feeling refreshed. It isn't easy, but it is joyous.

Geekster1963 · 04/02/2020 20:17

I would, and I would have started trying for them sooner, I was almost 40 when I had DD as we had six miscarriages before her and it took us five years to have her. I never managed another as we wanted as I went through the early menopause when I was 41. You don’t know if you have any problems until you try.

If I’m honest I found the first six months hard. I think maybe because I am an older parent and don’t cope well with a lack of sleep. But she’s nearly 8 now and I can’t imagine or remember what life was like without her in a good way.

oblada · 04/02/2020 20:18

The joys of having kids: experiencing life through their eyes has got to be my number 1. I love going away with them because of how much fun they have. I love organising activities etc that they will enjoy. I like taking them places because they enjoy it. It's that simple really. Our trip to Rome or Lisbon or even the museum would have been much more relaxing without them but far less interesting.
Watching them learn, grow, develop their personalities.
Just having fun with them really.
It is hard work and relentless and the worry part is incessant but it is worth it.
Both DH and I work full time though so we do make the most of our time with the kids. We both have jobs we enjoy and relatively fulfilling careers overall so that helps too I guess.

anotherypasswordtoremember · 04/02/2020 20:25

Honestly, I felt the same way at 27. 100% not ready for kids. They were a nice idea for someday but we were in a pokey rented flat, not a lot of money and frankly enjoying being impulsive too much. I loved spontaneous after-work pints, last minute weekends away to see friends, and doing what I felt like without much planning.

We had the serious baby talk when I was 33 and he was 35. I'm now 34 and pregnant following a miscarriage. Definitely glad we waited until we were both totally sure and had both got stuff out of our system.

We went traveling in Sri Lanka last year as one last hurrah Grin

Don't rush into it if you're not ready yet. You're still a spring chicken, you've got plenty of time to decide.

Cotswoldmama · 04/02/2020 21:16

Definitely, I might even start a couple of years earlier so I could have a third!

Hp7425 · 04/02/2020 22:46

Yes, I couldn't imagine my life without them now. Had you asked me in the first few months with my first I would probably have said no. I struggled with the transition to motherhood. I never felt that massive urge to be a mum but knew I wanted children.

But life is so much more fun with kids. We do so much as a family. We now go on holidays like the ones I enjoyed as a child and the nostalgia of that is really special. I'm healthier than I was pre kids - I drink less, get more fresh air and exercise and cook more healthy meals because I don't have just me to think about. In fact, I wonder what on earth we did with our time before kids

justjuggling · 04/02/2020 22:54

I never intended to be a single parent and if knew that was the path ahead I wouldn’t do it again. However, in a supportive partnership, parenting together, yep, would give it another go!

wonderstuff · 04/02/2020 23:03

I'm not sure, right now, at 9 and 12 to, I am enjoying being a mum, if I'd been asked a few years ago I'd have said no. Its really very tedious, for the longest time. I never realized how much housework was involved, endless cooking and laundry. I love them so much, but even that is uncomfortable at times, it genuinely feels like my heart is living with them. I'd have a very different life without them, I'm not sure if it would be better or worse. I think that I have, finally, learnt to accept the life I have, and be grateful for it, rather than dwell upon the one i might have had.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 04/02/2020 23:08

Yes, I'd have had kids. I'd have started earlier and had more and be totally broke. We both found babies very very lovely.

Still adore them as teenagers, but we were quite old when we started so it could well be all fantasy.

CuntyMcBollocks · 04/02/2020 23:10

I would still have my dd if I had my time again as she is my world and I love her more than anything, but I would make sure I did everything that I ever wanted to do first. My life is on hold for the next however many years until she is older.

YellowJellyfish · 04/02/2020 23:12

I was just thinking this the other day.

My eldest is 35, my youngest is 15.

I look at my eldest with no kids and the wonderful life she has. The disposable income.

Do you know, this is a heart wrenching thought, but I don't think I would.

I'm 55 tired, washed out and just sick of teenagers. Ask me again in 10 years time!!