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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you had your time again, would you have kids?

416 replies

UndecidedOne · 02/02/2020 22:32

My husband and I don't have kids yet (he's 32 and I'm 27). We have bought a bigger house in preparation for starting a family, but I'm just not sure if I want kids or not. So would you have kids again if you could start over? And what do you like and dislike about being a parent?

OP posts:
milksoffagain · 03/02/2020 11:23

I always loved being a mum to my three, even though before having them, I hadn't particularly planned on having children.

They are fun, brilliant, sorted and wonderful young women, and I cherish having them more than ever now my birth family all passed away at a relatively young age, and later my husband turned out to be merely temporary!

That said, their childhood was easier on me than it could be for some as he was a very supportive and hands-on dad. Having children together made us closer if anything.

Husbands can always be replaced; I love my friends to bits, but I'd never get that special blood bond that I have with them with anyone else.

I am still surprised daily to find myself alone after all these years, but if sad or lonely I'll think about them and it makes me smile inside again.

ILoveTimeTravelling · 03/02/2020 11:29

No definitely not. I love them but I so envy childless people. If someone says they are trying for a baby, I just think NOOOO Don't do it. It is really shit and takes over your life and body completely. Nothing but worry.

Deadringer · 03/02/2020 11:30

I am not particularly maternal, don't goo over babies, but I never even considered not having children. Maybe I am a product of my generation, I am in my 50s, and also I am from a huge family. I am not a baby person but I enjoy the company of young children and teenagers. There have been tough times but the wonderful moments more than make up for them. Now my youngest is 11 and I have a teen and 3 adult DC, and I just cannot imagine a life that doesn't include these wonderful people that I have helped to create.

NewNameGuy · 03/02/2020 11:31

Yes really happy with ours.

twoheaped · 03/02/2020 11:31

No.
I always said I'd never have children and I used to forewarn any boyfriend's that if that is what they ultimately wanted, I wasn't the girl for them.
Somehow changed my mind when I met a man who I figured would make a great father, and he did and still does.
Now? I am looking forward to them flying the nest but realistically, that won't be for another 5 years or so.

I dream of how different mine and my dh's life would have been without them.

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2020 11:38

Yes

Kellskitchen · 03/02/2020 11:45

Absolutely and I want more Smile. They make your life fuller and more fun. Of course, it's tiring and challenging at times but I couldn't imagine my life without having children.

If you're only 27 there is no rush. Enjoy being childless for a few more years, travel, see the world, do all the things you want to do career wise then think about the decision again.

saraclara · 03/02/2020 11:46

The unfortunate thing is that it's impossible to predict how you'll feel. My friend always wanted to be a mum and was super broody. But she never seemed to enjoy the reality, and has said often to me (initally when her two children were pre-school age, but still does), that if she was to have her time again knowing what she knows now, she wouldn't have had them.
While I never saw myself as very maternal, but found motherhood a revelation and loved it all.

in short, it's a gamble.

Lweji · 03/02/2020 12:04

My friend always wanted to be a mum and was super broody. But she never seemed to enjoy the reality

I think some people create an idealised image in their heads and reality can never match it.

lynsey91 · 03/02/2020 12:25

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland childfree couples are not all travelling around the world all the time!

Why is there so often the assumption that if you don't have children you must have loads of money and travel and eat out all the time?

Me and DH are in our 60's and, as I said before, do not regret choosing to be child free. We look at friends with grand children and thank goodness that's not our life. Quite a few friends have grandchildren that are causing worry and stress - drug taking, teenage pregnancy and other things.

I have no yearning to be a grandmother whatsoever.

As for getting older and having someone to look after you. Firstly that has to be one of the very worst reasons for having children. Secondly they may well not look after you anyway. They may fall out with you, emigrate, move to the other end of the country or even die before you. My neighbour had 4 children. She is now 95 and all 4 of her children are dead.

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 03/02/2020 12:44

@Kellskitchen they make YOUR life fuller and more fun.

Bbq1 · 03/02/2020 12:44

Absolutely. My ds is our world we ttc for 4 years and when I finally conceived him it was like a miracle. He's 14 now and a great, funny, kind, loving and clever boy. We are very proud of him. I love him to bits and can't imagine life without him.It's very sad that pp's are saying they actually regret having their children.

MingeofDeath · 03/02/2020 12:45

No way would I have had kids if I had my time over again.

Flipswhitefudge · 03/02/2020 12:45

Absolutely, they are everything to me. I love them so much.

TheReef · 03/02/2020 12:48

No I wouldn't have kids again

I've never really been maternal, I find everything about parenthood bloody hard work, I get little joy from them and to me it's mostly drudgery.

Don't get me wrong I love my kids, they are happy, healthy and know they are loved, but I have to work at it every sodding day. I frequently think to myself I only have X amount of years left until they are self sufficient.

PatellarTendonitis · 03/02/2020 12:50

No.

Urkiddingright · 03/02/2020 12:50

Yes I definitely would but I always knew I wanted to have children, there was never a doubt in my mind about it.

Connie222 · 03/02/2020 12:55

No, I wouldn’t have had children.

PattiPrice · 03/02/2020 13:01

A PP said they have Adult children who visit a couple of times a year.

This is one of the most depressing things to read. Although hands up and I’m a similar adult who visits infrequently.

After all the money thrown into raising children, trying hard to be a good parent, reading endless parenting books, worry, guilt and the future outlook is to hope for a phonecall or brief visit that might or might not happen.

Don’t bother. Save your money for private health insurance and a holiday home.

Bouledeneige · 03/02/2020 13:04

I'd definitely do it all over again. I'd probably start earlier than 34 - since I had 4 pregnancies to get two lovely DC.

I always knew I wanted kids but it did come as quite a shock to the system with my first. The second was a walk in the park by comparison. I think having them did my marriage in - he didn't like having expectations on him to be present and useful, and sought other distractions.

When they are little it is demanding and you have to learn to be unselfish and always present. But I also tried to make it fun and people have said to me that although I was strict about the essentials I always made things fun and playful. Teenagers are tougher than toddlers - particularly around the GCSE and A level years - but come with the reward of the emerging young adult with interesting conversation and outlook on life. I think they keep you young and in touch with the world. And there are so many proud moments of things they surprise you with and achieve. And they are very funny and lovely.

neversleepagain · 03/02/2020 13:06

I adore them and would happily down for them but if I could do it again, no.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/02/2020 14:12

@JeezyPeeps

Well yes, of course it's my experience! The OP asked for our opinions - that's mine. I can't possibly speak for everyone.

Nonnymum · 03/02/2020 14:24

Yes of course I would they and my grandchildren are the best part of my life. Being a parent is hard, it is life changing and for me it has been a change for the better. My adult children lovely people they are people I would be friends with if I wasn't related to them and I have learnt so much from being a parent and grandparent. But that is me no one can make that decision for you. If you have children your life will change, your relationship with your partner will change and so will you. Having children is the best thing i have done and I cant imagine what iive would have been like if I hadn't had them but many people have very happy and successful child free lives.

CakeandCustard28 · 03/02/2020 15:01

Yes.
They’re a pain in the backside and my eldest wants to live with me forever Hmm but they’re worth it. Couldn’t imagine my life without them, it’d be very boring that’s for sure.

Toughmonkeys · 03/02/2020 15:05

No I wouldn't but that's due to genetic and medical issues.

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