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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

being told by other kids that my DD is annoying

260 replies

ilovepenguins79 · 02/02/2020 21:48

This week i have had two separate girls (both age 5 and classmates in reception with my DD) come up to me, looking rather pleased with themselves, to tell me that they find my DD annoying due to the way she hugs (around the neck and we are working on this, she's just a bit unaware of personal space).
I was quite taken aback and responded 'thank you for letting me know, we can all be a bit annoying sometimes can't we?'.
DD can get a bit over excited and forgets herself but (and i know i am biased) i couldn't see her going out of her way to speak to her peers parents about anything let alone something like this.

AIBU to be a bit taken aback by this?

OP posts:
Dancingontheedge · 02/02/2020 21:54

Small children are told to tell an adult if someone is annoying or upsetting them, rather than hit back, or put up with it. So they are following the rules as they see them.
They’ve probably told their teacher, TA and MDS, and now they’re telling you. She needs to stop, they want her to and presumably the parents of the children she hugs want it to stop too.
Schools are also very firm on not grabbing/hugging around the neck, it’s dangerous.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 02/02/2020 21:59

Presumably they are the same age as you're daughter.

It's annoying for the other children, and probably their parents, when your daughter hugs them around the neck but she's only 5 and you're working on it.

It's annoying for you and your daughter to be told by other children that she's annoying. But they're only 5. Perhaps their parents are 'working on it' and would appreciate a little more understanding.

YABU to apply one set of behaviour rules for your daughter and another for other children of the same age. A little less judging and a little more understanding all round wouldn't go amiss here.

Boom45 · 02/02/2020 22:03

They're 5, some 5 year olds will articulate every thought that comes into their head and maybe your daughter had annoyed them? They'll also have got over their annoyance very quickly and got on with the day at school.
Don't assign adult social norms to 5 year olds, whether it's the hugging from your daughter or the other girls articulating their annoyance at the hugs. They're all still learning

Waveysnail · 02/02/2020 22:04

Tell dd to stop hugging her schools friends. Perhaps they dont want hugged

Original poster
ilovepenguins79 · 02/02/2020 22:07

Dancingontheedge- wouldn't the teacher then speak to me? This has been the only times I have heard of it so this weekend we have been practising 'safe hugs'.

OP posts:
RitaTheBeater · 02/02/2020 22:10

I don't think you should be taken aback as we are constantly banging on about how children should tell a grown up if there is a problem like this in order to stop them sorting it out themselves. Which would probably end up in either something physically or some unkind words being exchanged.

Itwasntme1 · 02/02/2020 22:13

They have probably discussed it between them, decided they want it to stop and you are the person to stop it.

They are only five. I think your focus should be in your daughters behaviour. Keep an eye on the other girls incase it turns into bullying but at the moment they are simply reporting behaviour that they understandably don’t like.

Original poster
ilovepenguins79 · 02/02/2020 22:15

What took me back was the smugness of one of the children. she was obviously delighted to tell me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovepenguins79 · 02/02/2020 22:16

@itwasntme Thanks i will do- i am going to speak to the teacher and see if she has seen my DD behaving like this and to also keep an eye on this.

OP posts:
Floribundance · 02/02/2020 22:17

Yes. You’re overrun with smug 5 year olds. Or you might be a tad defensive.

LowcaAndroidow · 02/02/2020 22:18

Pleased to tell you doesn't necessarily mean smug, does it?

I'd tell your DD no more "hugging" as other children don't like it.

FraglesRock · 02/02/2020 22:19

Perhaps she's upset a child with this, child has told teacher who has said tell an adult in future. Or their parent has said it. It's so easy to hug too tight.

Tbh I'd teach your daughter not to touch someone without permission. I don't want someone hugging me unless it's family.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2020 22:19

'Looking rather pleased with themselves'

'Smug'

No, it's nice that these children feel confident enough to approach you about this.

The trouble is you're hurt and offended and that's understandable but it doesn't make these children smug.

PotteringAlong · 02/02/2020 22:20

She was probably pleased to tell you so you could make it stop rather than smug.

Original poster
ilovepenguins79 · 02/02/2020 22:20

@LowcaAndroidow Unfortunately thats how she came across.

@Floribundance Yup its all about the smug 5 year olds

OP posts:
RitaTheBeater · 02/02/2020 22:21

Children can full of themselves when they are ‘doing the right thing’ at school.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2020 22:22

This has been the only times I have heard of it so this weekend we have been practising 'safe hugs'.

Why don't you practice no hugs. School really isn't the place to be hugging other kids, especially when it's unwanted Confused

Floribundance · 02/02/2020 22:24

I’d tell mine to save hugging for after school and be grateful. Less hugging = less quality time with the Nitty Gritty.

RitaTheBeater · 02/02/2020 22:24

Probably what the two girls wanted to do is push your daughter off them so if they have managed to restrain themselves and instead are telling you then they are feeling pleased with themselves that they are doing the right thing.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 02/02/2020 22:24

They were probably proud that they were telling an adult about unwanted touching, like they’ve been told to. They don’t yet have the social conditioning to awkwardly say ‘I don’t mean to cause any offence but eh, it’s come to our attention that’, they didn’t hit your child and are telling an adult to get the unwanted behaviour to stop and so are pleased with themselves.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 02/02/2020 22:26

What took me back was the smugness of one of the children

Wow, what a nasty piece of work! What a horrible, smug, self satisfied, bitchy little .....five year old child.

Look, you feel protective of your child, and pre disposed to defend her. So you've decided that the reason you feel angry is because of the way this child spoke to you. But if your kid is young enough to need some understanding about "working on" not grabbing people round the neck, then you can have some understanding about an apparently-smug child telling you about it?

poodlepoo9999 · 02/02/2020 22:27

You should be teaching her not to hug at all rather than giving school friends safe hugs.

Quartz2208 · 02/02/2020 22:29

You need to get her aware of personal space she clearly has upset them.

And yes they probably were proud of themselves - they had a issue that was upsetting them and they decided to solve it. They were being smug about the fact your daughter does it but the fact they thought they were solving it. It may be their parents decided it was better for them to do it than you?

Dancingontheedge · 02/02/2020 22:29

So they are smug and your daughter is a bully who is ignoring their complaints and forcing herself on them?
Or they are all 4 or 5 and learning how to deal with the world outside their immediate family, and that there are different rules in different places.

Floribundance · 02/02/2020 22:31

A five year old giving over enthusiastic hugs is not ‘a bully’ FFS.