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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

being told by other kids that my DD is annoying

260 replies

ilovepenguins79 · 02/02/2020 21:48

This week i have had two separate girls (both age 5 and classmates in reception with my DD) come up to me, looking rather pleased with themselves, to tell me that they find my DD annoying due to the way she hugs (around the neck and we are working on this, she's just a bit unaware of personal space).
I was quite taken aback and responded 'thank you for letting me know, we can all be a bit annoying sometimes can't we?'.
DD can get a bit over excited and forgets herself but (and i know i am biased) i couldn't see her going out of her way to speak to her peers parents about anything let alone something like this.

AIBU to be a bit taken aback by this?

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 03/02/2020 06:24

If your daughter was repeatedly being hurt by unwanted physical attention, how would you want her to react?

If she told the teacher or a parent about say a little boy in her class who was repeatedly shoving her out of the way and hurting her in his excitement to get to activities, would your daughter be "smug" or would you think she had every right to not be shoved around, and was doing the right thing in seeking help from an adult?

Hard as it is to hear, it is your daughter who is in the wrong here. Your unkindness about the little girls is misplaced. You are shooting the messenger because you don't like the message.

housinghelp101 · 03/02/2020 06:24

Not nice for you OP but you're approaching this from the wrong angle. You should be adopting a 'no hugs' rather than 'safe hugs' policy. Do not be that parent who enables their child to be a pain to others and then defends it. These "smug" girls have done you a favour.

EnidBlyton · 03/02/2020 06:31

bless their hearts. how cute.
but definitely take it up with the teacher.
is she being inappropriate in other ways?

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/02/2020 06:34

Your daughter is touching these girls in a way that neither they nor the school like. You can either be a problem and blame the girls for telling you, or fix the problem by parenting your daughter.

WardrobeJumper · 03/02/2020 06:48

Oh OP, I think it would be so sad if you told her no hugs from now on. What is the world coming to?! Just tell her no hugs around the neck!

EnidBlyton · 03/02/2020 06:55

Does she have friends op?
how is she when her friends come round to play?

coconuttelegraph · 03/02/2020 07:13

You say you are already working on safe huge so presumably you do know there's a problem. I'm in the no hugs camp too, you aren't going to go wrong by not making physical contact with others

WeHaveSnowdrops · 03/02/2020 07:21

I'm laughing at those saying 5 year olds can't be smug and manipulating. I taught that age group and can assure you they most certainly can.

This could easily turn into bullying, I've seen it happen. Have a word with the class teacher.

Brave to speak up? Hilarious.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 03/02/2020 07:29

They're 5. I wouldn't waste too much time worrying about this.

Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2020 07:34

I wouldn’t be teaching her “safe hugs”, teach her not to hug her class mates. My dd hates being hugged, she has ASD and finds it very uncomfortable when people touch her in any way.

Beautiful3 · 03/02/2020 07:34

Just have a word with her and explain to stop hugging her friends around the neck. It would be annoying to have someone enthusiastically hanging off your neck, squeezing you. Yes I understand it probably felt horrible for you, a bunch of smug 5 year olds telling you that. If it happens again just say, "stop telling tales, now off you go!"

Langbannedforsafeguardingkids · 03/02/2020 07:35

Just to be clear, no-one has said no hugs, just no hugs at school. If she's repeatedly hugging people around the neck (which is not safe) then a black and white rule is probably easier at this stage, which can then be relaxed when she's able to understand 'no means no' and ask before she hugs someone.

I don't really see why this 5 year olds desire to hug other children - though no doubt it comes from a good place - should be prioritised over other children's wish not to be hugged. It's their body, so they should have control and as other people have said it's really important for safeguarding that children know that unwanted touching is not ok and will be enforced.

OP, it is hard to hear something that isn't complimentary about your child but everyone does sooner or later. You have a chance to fix this now before other children start to avoid her because they don't want to be hugged around the neck. Those children that approached you could have easily just run away every time they saw her or spoken to a teacher first. IMO they did do the right thing. If you speak to the teacher hopefully they will be able to ensure this doesn't turn into more than a falling out on either side.

Wineislifex · 03/02/2020 07:36

We spend all this time and energy teaching children to tell a adult if they are uncomfortable especially in regards to their bodies and you deemed these girls snug and unreasonable for doing so! Surely if someone was making your daughter feel uncomfortable with physical contact you would want them to stop?! They don’t want to be hugged so tell your daughter to stop!

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2020 07:39

I think maybe your attritubuting older child behaviour to five year olds.

Bottom line though is instead of blaming these girls, looking for fault, trying to deflect that they have done something wrong, just understand that they are all only five, and try to deal with the issue. It's one you're aware of and are working on.

I get why you're pissed, but trying to make it about th little girls isn't going to help the situation.

HelgaHere1 · 03/02/2020 07:39

Did the girl look smug because she was parrotting an adult? Has she overheard or had this said to her about DD.

Langbannedforsafeguardingkids · 03/02/2020 07:43

Wine's post made me think - even if you don't want to go with no hugs at all in school I think these girls have made it clear that the rule does need to be no hugging these particular girls at all. They've clearly said no to hugs.

Bluetrews25 · 03/02/2020 07:44

Head lice will love all this hugging.....

Nanna50 · 03/02/2020 07:45

I don't think YABU to be taken aback because a 5 year old has approached you. The difference between my grandchildren's peers and my daughters peers at age 5 is remarkable (never mind the change since I was 5)

However you should speak to the teacher and your DD needs to learn about personal space. One of my grandchildren age 6 told her mother that no one wanted to play with her as they always told her to go away.

My Daughter in law was rather grateful when another 6 year old told her that my DGD has a problem with standing too close and sometimes hugging and that is why they said go away. They actually meant step back, not that they didn't want to play.

m0therofdragons · 03/02/2020 07:48

Aren't all dc annoying? Blush (love my girls to bits but they're definitely annoyingGrin)

insanepizza · 03/02/2020 07:54

You shouldn't practice safe hugging. You should practice hugging You any way she wishes and keeping her hands to herself around her peers.

insanepizza · 03/02/2020 07:55

Also ask the teacher for help and support on this one.

Insideimsprinting · 03/02/2020 07:55

My son was on the receiving end of an annoying child to the point where after several attempts of him telling them to pack it in he was on the verge of decking the kid. Obviously I had to step it to avoid this teacher great explained that the other child was not mean or nasty but just not listening or seeing what reactions were to their annoying behaviour and as such it was now causing a problem. She mediated between the two and problem stopped.

You know what the biggest was, the other child's parent, my son apparently was over sensitive, I couldn't quite lower myself to her levels by saying no your child is an irritating twerp who doesn't know when to stop and as a result has nearly been decked for it.
There is no excuse for annoying behaviour op, it isn't other people's problem. Deal with it swiftly before annoying unwanted hugs stop being annoying and start becoming infuriating because she just won't stop.

Nanna50 · 03/02/2020 07:55

In my DGS primary school hugging is not allowed, so he tells me.

itsgettingweird · 03/02/2020 08:02

It's not unusual for young children to appear smug when telling tales.

But don't allow their body language to cloud the real issue.

Your dd is making them feel uncomfortable and we are spending huge amounts of time teaching children about personal space and not being touched when they feel uncomfortable.

Speak to teacher and find out what's going on and work with him/her to help all children involved.

Russellbrandshair · 03/02/2020 08:04

If your DD is socially clueless enough to be giving random unwanted hugs to other kids (which is hardly terribly surprising, as she's only 5), then how on earth do you think it's ok to be attributing as sophisticated an emotion as 'smugness' to another child who is exactly the same age?! They are all socially clueless at that age, other kids as much as your own DD - apply the same standards to both, don't start with the position that your child is 'still learning' whereas the others are somehow mini adults-in-disguise

This. Bit baffled by how your DD is apparently only young and learning to navigate the world and yet you are ascribing very adult, and passive aggressive motives to the two little girls who according to you should know better. Why? Why is it ok for your DD to be learning what’s appropriate yet you are treating these two as if they are age 40? Good for the girls in speaking up. You should be teaching your DD not to be touching and invading the personal space of others without permission