being told by other kids that my DD is annoying

[ilovepenguins79]

This week i have had two separate girls (both age 5 and classmates in reception with my DD) come up to me, looking rather pleased with themselves, to tell me that they find my DD annoying due to the way she hugs (around the neck and we are working on this, she's just a bit unaware of personal space).
I was quite taken aback and responded 'thank you for letting me know, we can all be a bit annoying sometimes can't we?'.
DD can get a bit over excited and forgets herself but (and i know i am biased) i couldn't see her going out of her way to speak to her peers parents about anything let alone something like this.

AIBU to be a bit taken aback by this?

YANBU for being taken aback by this, I'm sure plenty of us would be in that situation. Your response to the girls sounded calm and reasonable; they will have felt listened to and will hopefully continue to have the confidence to let adults know if something is making them uncomfortable/hurting them.

It would be worth asking the teacher to remind the whole class that other people's necks shouldn't be touched but also to practise with them that if someone does/says something they don't like, they should say, "X, please stop Y, I don't like it". If X chooses to carry on, they might then say, "X, I've told you I don't like it when you do Y so am going to tell Mr/s Z". If you know what is being practised at school, you will be able to rehearse what your DD should do if someone asks her to stop but also ways she should respond if she's on the receiving end of something she doesn't like.

I'd add that the neck hugging is definitely something to nip in the bud. DD2 has a friend who is 18 months younger than her who was still doing the neck hugging/hanging off aged 8 - it was painful for those on the receiving end. At DD's 9th birthday party, the friend was neck hugging the other 9-year-olds who politely but firmly, made it clear that they didn't like it/that it hurt. Friend wasn't very happy about being told by them but she did stop. It's a shame it hadn't been stopped when she was five but her mum felt it was ok because she usually only did it to adults/when she was very excited.

What is dd

Honestly op, they're 5. Calling a small child smug is ridiculous. You're expecting behaviour from them that you're clearly not expecting from your own child.

If they’re reception children then they’re being taught right now about personal space and about people not touching them inappropriately. My sons year one and learnt about this last year.

You know your child has an issue with not recognising personal space and yet you call these five year olds smug for telling you she’s invading their personal space?

Seriously they’re not telling you to make a point they’re telling you because they’ve recently been taught to speak out to an adult if people are doing things to them they feel uncomfortable about.

Take this for what it is- teach her about personal space, not everyone wants to be hugged especially around the neck. You’ve said you’re working on it but other children aren’t under any obligation to suffer while you work on it with your child.

My DD has Aspergers and doesn't really get social/personal boundaries they way other children do. When she was younger she sort of decided that hugging would be her 'thing' because I guess some of her friends did it at school and it seemed like a nice thing to do. Some kids were ok with it, but others clearly were not huggy types, and she just had no idea. I had to tell her to stop hugging everyone so that she wouldn't be upsetting the ones who didn't like it but couldn't articulate that.

In a nutshell, OP, unlike many PP I do agree that 5yos can be smug and pleased with themselves; but I agree with PP that you should stop her from hugging others. It's likely that lots of children don't like it even if she does it the 'right' way.

Please for her sake don't teach her 'safe hugs', its not doing her any favours. She is at the point children are telling you she is annoying with her hugs, you need to teach her not to keep hugging people at school, or she's likely to get children avoiding her, pushing her off or being mean. DD struggles with personal space and had I thought to teach her to stop hugging everyone when she was much younger it would have avoided a lot of tears.

WTF is a ‘safe hug’?

If the other kids don’t like it, it’s not a safe hug. Teach your DD not to go around hugging other kids at school FFS.

Kids lack an adults understanding of how that information might be a bit hurtful to you and put you in defensive mode.

If more than one child has said that there is a good chance that it is a problem in the classroom that you really need to deal with before other kids start to avoid your daughter.

I had one little girl that used to always come and tell me things, some of them I suspect weren't entirely true but in the end I told her the person to tell was not me, it was the teachers and to tell them at the time it happened so it could be dealt with when it happened.

Teach your daughter to always ask before hugging someone, model the behaviour in your house if she is really having that much trouble with it.

My daughter loves to be hugged so she has no problems when other kids hug her but I must say I was pretty proud of her for teaching one of her friends to ask before hugging someone after she came home and told me that some of her other friends were saying how they didn't like it when the other girl kept hugging them. I am not sure exactly what was said but my daughter (6) just explained some people don't want to be hugged and some people only want to be hugged sometimes so it's important to ask.

Sounds like she was repeating something she heard another child say, which would explain why she seemed so smug. Just ignore it, OP. Small kids can be jerks. Shrug.

Thank you to those of you that offered empathy and advice. Theres only 7 girls in their class and they all greet each other at the line up in the morning with a hug (a lot of them know each other from nursery) though my DD can be a bit keen and hugs too high up. I will be teaching her not to hug now though.

I disagree that 5 year olds can't be smug. My DD will be gleeful about trying to get her little brother into trouble.

To the poster who described my 5 year old s over keen hugs as an 'attack' :-S

@Notalurker I think this might be true sadly

I get how you feel OP. My DS now 11 has ASD and struggles socially at school. 2 years ago another boy in his class was walking with us on the way home telling me all the things the other kids didn’t like about him. Stung like hell.

I’d say kids of that age can be smug. DD is 4 and loves telling on DS or telling everyone when he’s misbehaving. I’d be keeping an eye on the situation.

I get you OP

Also, for confident put precocious .

I do agree though that perhaps you should teach no hugs to your DD OP

If your DD is socially clueless enough to be giving random unwanted hugs to other kids (which is hardly terribly surprising, as she's only 5), then how on earth do you think it's ok to be attributing as sophisticated an emotion as 'smugness' to another child who is exactly the same age?!

This!
It's great you will be teaching your DD not to hug. I disagree on the smugness but even if they were smug noone deserves to be made uncomfortable by unwanted touching

I also disagree with PP saying in time they will learn to articulate themselves better so as not o upset people when relaying this issue. I hope they don't and retain that confidence without adopting an apologetic stance. Maybe if more younger children spoke out immediately as thy were made to feel uncomfortable by someone crossing their personal space even if it hurts someone's feelings we would have l as sexual assault cases. I don't believe children should have to consider someone's feelings before they say X is hurting me

@ilovepenguins79

I know this has upset you but I hate to be hugged by someone who is not a member of my family. Your child must realise that we all like our own personal space. I don't think the children were being smug they were just telling you how they felt. I wish I could have told some of my husbands colleagues at the Christmas party that I really did not want a hug or a kiss from them but I couldn't.

I had a very huggy child - people don't like it & expressed it in various ways to him & to me until he learnt to stop it. No kids approached me the way these girls came to you but if they had I hope I would have thanked them, acknowledged their unhappiness about it & spoken to him again & worked harder to stop the behaviour. I would have been annoyed about his behaviour upsetting people not their "smugness" in telling me about it I hope.

I trained in a class of five year olds.
One of main rules was “keep calm and tell a grown up”
Another was “never touch people’s necks”

there were loads of others like don’t chew your own shoe lace, don’t lick sashas ponytail, don’t put Lego up your nose, don’t try and eat the whole cucumber at snack time. And so on

I hope you’re feeling alright now, it must’ve felt like an attack. It’s hard when you’re little and trying to do the right thing. But please encourage them to tell you, thank all children.
The same children who feel safe enough to tell you your kid is annoying are the children who can tell adults about abuse.

What took me back was the smugness of one of the children. she was obviously delighted to tell me.

No doubt it was quite jarring to you, but Rule Number 1 for adults dealing with children is 'don't take anything personally'. So step back and take a few deep breaths.

Children of 5 are usually very into tattling. They all fully believe that telling the teacher or some other grown up is an excellent idea, when 'using their words' hasn't worked. Don't judge them for this. They are figuring out how the world works and have been told that the grown ups are in charge. They don't do nuance at this age.

They are also beginning to pick out the child who isn't acknowledging the norms. You need to work hard on your child's sense of personal space. Is there any suspicion of a SEN or developmental issue?

'The annoying girl' is a child with a huge disadvantage. She will have a difficult time socially - again because her peers are only 5, so please don't judge them.

There’s nothing more upsetting than a perceived attack on your child so I feel for you OP 💐

But it is indeed a huge disadvantage to being the “annoying child”. Are there other issues as regards social cues? Sometimes SN around these can manifest around that age, when children start to play more with each other rather than alongside each other. Seek help if you have concerns. I speak from experience.

I disagree that 5 year olds can't be smug. My DD will be gleeful about trying to get her little brother into trouble.

It's not smugness.

Though they often know what rules are and are inching their way toward integrating them into their natural behaviour they are still all ego, and what you will see is a mixture of obeying rules but also using them to hurt others (a proxy for a weapon or hurtful words) - hence tattling, and also urging others to break rules. 5 is an age of transition. It's an age of transition for all the children, not just yours. So don't judge. Words like smug/smugness shouldn't come into your descriptions.

The same children who feel safe enough to tell you your kid is annoying are the children who can tell adults about abuse.

And don't take what small children do or say to you personally. Cut them all some slack.

Think of it as a blessing. My DD1 had a tough time through primary and I often wished I had more insight into why the other kids were reacting to her as they did.

From the OP:

Theres only 7 girls in their class and they all greet each other at the line up in the morning with a hug (a lot of them know each other from nursery) though my DD can be a bit keen and hugs too high up.

So a precedent of hugging in the class has been set. The issue wasn’t with the fact that the OP’s daughter was hugging – it was the manner in which she was hugging. Ergo, OP was teaching her daughter “safe hugs.”

I agree with others, OP, in that it would be best to teach your daughter to no longer attack (I don’t believe for one minute that it was an attack, but am putting it here to show how ridiculous an assessment it is) hug the other children. Though I’m sure this will lead to the girls complaining “Why won’t Little Penguin hug us anymore at morning line up?”

Some kids do love to ‘tell tales’ - but sometimes it’s about a misguided sense of doing the right thing. Especially at 5.

I’m glad you’re going to teach her not to hug. A hug is only a nice thing if the person being hugged invites it. Uninvited hugs can be intrusive and disconcerting even for little ones, as well as making the hugger vulnerable to criticism and/or being taken advantage of.
I work in a school for children with additional support needs and we take a ‘hugs for home, high fives for school’ stance on this common and well intentioned expression of affection. Huggers annoy other children and often get a negative response. Schoolmates are not for hugging, safely or otherwise. They are people not toys. Personal space is a thing to be observed and a social skill to learn.
Good luck with it. Xx

I find the best way with dealing with kids who are telling on their classmates is to ask the question

“Are you telling me this because you need help or are you telling me because you want to get x in trouble?”

This will usually clear up if they truly need help or are stirring trouble.

It mustn’t be nice to hear that your daughter is annoying, but at least now you can work on the behavior with your daughter so she may have a better chance of keeping friends.

Of course 5 year olds can be smug! In fact, as they are (generally) not good actors yet, some are more than happy to gloat smugly over having something others don’t have etc. There is nothing ‘brave and confident’ about telling you as, these days, if an adult so much as raises their voice to someone else’s child, all hell can break loose, so they know they can say what they like to you without fear of consequence.

So, I sympathise with you, OP. However, it must be really annoying to be hugged around the neck if you have asked not to be an, if your daughter persists in doing so, it puts her in the wrong.

You and the school need to work on this as a matter of priority. When you have it under control, if the others keep gloating and being mean, their actions should be reported.