being told by other kids that my DD is annoying

[ilovepenguins79]

This week i have had two separate girls (both age 5 and classmates in reception with my DD) come up to me, looking rather pleased with themselves, to tell me that they find my DD annoying due to the way she hugs (around the neck and we are working on this, she's just a bit unaware of personal space).
I was quite taken aback and responded 'thank you for letting me know, we can all be a bit annoying sometimes can't we?'.
DD can get a bit over excited and forgets herself but (and i know i am biased) i couldn't see her going out of her way to speak to her peers parents about anything let alone something like this.

AIBU to be a bit taken aback by this?

From experience children in that age group have no filter at all - physically, emotionally or verbally. The are the very example of impulsiveness. Often worse than toddlers as they are exposed to more.

I totally understand you wanting to defend your daughter from what you perceived as a spiteful comment, but I doubt they meant to be cruel. In your shoes I would speak to your dd class teacher and let them deal with it whilst actively encouraging your dd to just pause and not always hug. It is possible they were being unkind or that it is a genuine issue - the teacher will know.

There 5 your massively over thinking this.

i think its excellent that her peers have the confidence to speak up.

how would you feel if you daughter had been sexually abused by a peer, and the parent said "we're working on it" or "oh yes, I know, I'm teaching him how to sexually abuse the girls safely'?

some people do not like being hugged, 'safely' or otherwise - who decides what is safe or not? she needs to be taught that hugging at school is not appropriate.

Do bear in mind that some children don't like to be touched at all and will lash out without warning.

How about teaching your daughter not to hug anyone unless they directly ask her for a hug, then she needs to be reminded to only use a safe hug.

What took me back was the smugness of one of the children. she was obviously delighted to tell me
Some kids are like that, just ignore it.

When my DS (now 13) was in Y6 and leaving primary school the PTA organised a class year book with photos and memories of all the children and at the back was a list of the votes that that the children had cast for the prettiest, fastest, strongest child etc, my DS was voted the most annoying

I was heartbroken to see that, it was awful.

That's horrible EdersonsSmileyTattoo! Is that a thing, or is your PTA just particularly twatty?

I think they say whatever comes into their heads - no filter! And I think you handled it well.
Happened to me the other day little boy says "Your DD won't sit still in maths and always wants to play instead" me "well she's very good at maths maybe she knows that bit already" he was a bit by this but I could see my DD getting upset by it so just wanted to nip it in the bud.

I haven't voted either way.
Not really sure 'AIBU' is the best place for this.
OTOH - of course YANBU for being a bit taken aback if suddenly told something about your child that you didn't know (or you did know she did but somehow didn't expect others to voice thier dislike of it - which seems more the case here)
But YABU to be calling other 5 (or 4) yr olds 'smug' for doing the right thing and telling an adult if someone is doing something they don't like to them. Your dd is lucky she has only so far attacked quite mature little 5 yr olds who were able to do this and not - as many would do - pushed her off or hit her.
Well done to the little ones with the maturity and courage to speak up. I hope they are right in their expectation that - having told the person who can influence this, the unwanted behaviour will stop.

Safe hugs ? Sorry but I know that if people hug me I hate it . Being hugged around the neck would make me panic !

I'd say, stop teaching her "safe hugs" and simple teach "no hugs". She is invading their personal space and probably making them horribly uncomfortable. "No hugs" is the best plan.

YABU. You shouldn’t be allowing your daughter to hug anyone until she is old enough to understand personal space.

Your daughter needs to be taught not to hug at this stage; there has to be boundaries.

Your daughters behaviour is not deliberate, but it is annoying and it is unacceptable for her to be touching other children against her will like she is.

YANBU, horrible little brats.

Not sure why the not hugging needs to be 'worked upon'. Just tell your DD, firmly, not to do it!

OP it's very hard I know...but you need to teach her not to hug. Hugging isn't appropriate for children unless both are enjoying it and because 5 year olds don't always read the cues well, it's best to ban them.

Go and ask the teacher what is going on.

Either your DD is annoying the other children with the hugging, or the other children are over-stepping the mark and trying to get her into trouble or act as the class "police".

Or, most likely, a bit of both.

She needs to be told to stop as it's inappropriate and likely to result in her being upset, as the children will see that telling an adult is a strategy that hasn't worked and will take matters into their own hands, e.g. pushing her off them or avoidIng her.

If your DD is socially clueless enough to be giving random unwanted hugs to other kids (which is hardly terribly surprising, as she's only 5), then how on earth do you think it's ok to be attributing as sophisticated an emotion as 'smugness' to another child who is exactly the same age?! They are all socially clueless at that age, other kids as much as your own DD - apply the same standards to both, don't start with the position that your child is 'still learning' whereas the others are somehow mini adults-in-disguise!

Wow! Children can be so rude/bad mannered. I think I would probably find it hard to contain myself and probably wouldn't even acknowledge them/walk off before I said something to them.

I doubt the 5yr old kid was really 'smug' that seems rather unfair to a small child. But it doesn't matter even if she genuinely was smug. That's not the issue here and is a distraction. Someone being smug in your vicinity is definitely not as bad as being hugged too hard around the neck (could so easily become throttling someone).

Yes to all the previous posters: teach no hugs in school. Far better for all concerned.

I think you're getting too hard a time with some of the responses here OP. Some children do have a 'smugness' when telling an adult that other children/that person's child are/is 'wrong' (and granted, many don't, but I've also seen that smug look of satisfaction that some have).
However, try not to be offended by it as they are all only little and are all still learning how to interact appropriately with each other and will ALL do annoying things at times! It is good that they felt able to tell you about it - even if they were too young to be diplomatic - as you've got the opportunity to help your daughter.

I can't begin to imagine they meant to be 'smug'.

I think you are reading into it, because you are worried about your DD (and you needn't be - she's doing something she shouldn't but she is 5 - it's not a big deal).

Last week a little boy came up to me with an enormous grin to tell me 'DDName doesn't have a daddy!' He was delighted. The next day he sought me out, dragged DD over, and explained 'I have a daddy! DDsName doesn't! I have a daddy!'

If I wanted to get OTT, I could pretend that was a child being 'smug' and victimising my poor little child. But it wasn't. It was a little boy just delighted to show me how he understood his family situation and how fond he was of his daddy.

It takes a very long time for a child to understand things we, as adults, think are obvious. These little girls probably thought 'ah, Penguins79 is probably responsible for little Penguin. She will want to know what we know, because we've just been told about hugging.

It must be upsetting, I'd be crushed! In context though, they've picked out a particular behaviour that is bothering them (which you are already aware needs addressing) chances are they don't mean your daughter is annoying, but the fact that she hugs too much and too rough is annoying, so don't let it sting too much

It would also be worth, instead of working on 'safe hugs' work on personal space and picking up on cues from others, as not only will this aid this situation but also help her along as she gets older too as it's a valuable skill

Is it also possible the subject has been brought up (age appropriately) at school surrounding unwanted physical contact, donuts at the forefront of these children's minds

They were right to tell you. What else would they do, tell their teacher who would then have called you in. At least you've been spared that.

Many kids have annoying habits when they are little (mine did! Would be embarrassing if I mentioned it now :-)), but you say you are working on her hugging round the neck, not respecting other people's space, and that is good. Ramp it up a notch but remember - she is still little.

sleep well tonight.

Absolute fucking odd balls on here
Personal space and boundaries, she is 5 years old not satan
And as for the Smug kid sounds a good description

OP can you not see the contradiction between the allowance given to your daughter as she is 5 and still learning, yet attributing smugness to children of the same age?

You definitely need to tell her no hugs until she’s emotionally mature enough to respect boundaries. No-one, even a “smug” 5yo, should have to tolerate being touched when they don’t want to be, and if she’s grabbing kids round the neck that’s really dangerous and has to stop. Good for those girls for being brave enough, honest enough and confident enough to try to tackle something they don’t like.