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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

being told by other kids that my DD is annoying

260 replies

ilovepenguins79 · 02/02/2020 21:48

This week i have had two separate girls (both age 5 and classmates in reception with my DD) come up to me, looking rather pleased with themselves, to tell me that they find my DD annoying due to the way she hugs (around the neck and we are working on this, she's just a bit unaware of personal space).
I was quite taken aback and responded 'thank you for letting me know, we can all be a bit annoying sometimes can't we?'.
DD can get a bit over excited and forgets herself but (and i know i am biased) i couldn't see her going out of her way to speak to her peers parents about anything let alone something like this.

AIBU to be a bit taken aback by this?

OP posts:
squeekums · 02/02/2020 22:31

Probably what the two girls wanted to do is push your daughter off them so if they have managed to restrain themselves and instead are telling you then they are feeling pleased with themselves that they are doing the right thing

This would be DD
We have told her from the day she started school if she is being touched against her will she is to ask them to stop, if they dont, push them away and go tell an adult. I dont expect her to stand there being touched and not do anything if she uncomfortable

Why don't you practice no hugs. School really isn't the place to be hugging other kids, especially when it's unwanted
Exactly

Good on these girls for standing up for their personal space

AutumnRose1 · 02/02/2020 22:32

Why is your DD hugging anyone at school?

squeekums · 02/02/2020 22:33

A five year old giving over enthusiastic hugs is not ‘a bully’ FFS

If its unwanted and not stopping it does cross that line.
Just cos a hug is a generally nice thing, dont mean all want it or its appropriate in all situations

ASureSign · 02/02/2020 22:34

I agree with PP suggesting that your daughter is taught not to hug at all. I think this especially important as you say she is a bit unaware of personal space.

Dancingontheedge · 02/02/2020 22:35

Exactly Floribundance and neither should 5 year olds be bitched about by an adult for doing the right thing and telling an adult.
They’re all still learning. The next step will be leaving the OP’s child out of games and friendships.

Freddiefox · 02/02/2020 22:37

You really need to listen to what the children have told you.
They don’t want your dd hugging them. They shouldn’t have to be hugged if the don’t want to. You really need to have a chat with you dd about not hugging. Not safe hugging but not hugging at all.

I understand you are hurt but don’t make this bigger than it need to be.

Mamboitaliano · 02/02/2020 22:37

Aww I feel for the girls tbh as we had this exact issue with one little girl who kept grabbing my DD and hugging her HARD. It was very important to me to teach my DD that it's not ok for anyone to do anything to her body without her permission so I encouraged her to tell the teacher and we also spoke to the girl's parent.

cowfacemonkey · 02/02/2020 22:39

I'm sure your DD is a lovely girl and it probably stung a bit to be told she is annoying others.

I think for a 5 year old who has issues with personal space it is far easier to go with no hugs rather than safe hugs. With safe hugs you are asking her to make a judgement call on who will be happy with a safe hug, how tight is a safe hug, how long does a safe hug last. Far easier to teach her hugs are for home.

SanFranBear · 02/02/2020 22:42

I hear you OP - admittedly slightly older but when DD was in Y3, one of her classmates felt compelled to come and tell me DD had been in trouble in class that day. I was taken aback as I'd never spoken to this girl and the sheer glee and look on her face at telling the tale was quite something. I approached the teacher to get more info and she said it has been a very minor event but she had corrected DD at the time and wasn't planning on raising it with me.

Funnily enough, now in Y6, I couldn't tell you what DD had done wrong, but I'll never forget the look on that girls face - and smug definitely described it.

MollyButton · 02/02/2020 22:42

To be honest I would have done, as I did when a complaint was made by a child about what a child of mine was doing in school - was tell the child to tell their teacher.

I might secretly talk to the teacher to see if there really was an issue. (And tell my child not to hug in school, but that one might not work.)

And with my experience now, I might worry if my child has an SN, and wasn't picking up social cues.

Dancingontheedge · 02/02/2020 22:45

SanFran there’s a big difference between 5 and 8 though.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 02/02/2020 22:46

Does nobody on this thread have any empathy? It's quite shocking and hurtful to be told that your child is annoying, whether it comes from a child, a friend or a partner!

CantSayJack · 02/02/2020 22:47

Fuck me, the absolute state of the replies on here.

OP, I’m with you. Having witnessed myself how 5 year old children (boys AND girls) can behave at school, I’m not surprised. There are some very manipulative children who can be quite mean about other children when it might be their own fault.

You only have their word for it, I would speak to the class teacher to find out what is really going on. It is the teachers and TA’s job to keep an eye out on these things.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/02/2020 22:48

You're being over sensitive. The kids were being honest about something you know is a problem. They are 5, they have no filter! They say stuff which can be hurtful. But others are right to say it's important for kids to say when they don't want to be touched.

I agree with pp about no hugs at school. Keep it simple. My dd has ASD and struggles with personal space - it's easier that there's no hugs or kisses allowed at school.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2020 22:49

Does nobody on this thread have any empathy? It's quite shocking and hurtful to be told that your child is annoying, whether it comes from a child, a friend or a partner!

Of course it is!

But it's even more shocking for a grown woman to insult the two 5 year olds, who were brave and confident enough to have a word with her about her DD's behaviour towards them.

Mummyscrewedup · 02/02/2020 22:49

Your dd sounds like mine also in reception and 5. Fortuantly I haven't had children speaking to me but it's painfully obvious that they absolutely don't want the over enthusiastic hugs. I know it's an issue, it's a huge issue but she has zero concept of personal space and it isn't as simple as just telling her not to hug.

You have all the sympathy Flowers

KillingEvenings · 02/02/2020 22:51

There was a clique of girls in DS' class who relished in getting other kids in trouble. They'd sometimes come up to me to tattle tale on how DS and his friends were breaking the rules. Sometimes they were, but sometimes the girls were just making stuff up as a way of trying to wield power.

I think its best to just brush off this sort of thing and not get drawn into the drama of a 5 year old

SanFranBear · 02/02/2020 22:52

You're right, Dancing - just the OP is getting a kicking from using the word 'smug'and just wanted to empathise.

If it helps, DS had an enthusiastic hugger when he was in Reception - his parents took steps to help him be kinder and less full on and hes a wonderful friend to DS now. Sounds like you've taken some steps his weekend and hopefully your DD will have a better week this week!

Amatteroftime · 02/02/2020 22:53

Hi OP.

It can hurt to hear slmebody say your child is annoying, whoever it is from, so sorry about that. However I do think it is better that the girls came to you rather than possibly become nasty towards your DD.
I would teach her no hugs at school and just ask the teacher to keep an eye on it.

You never know, the girl's parents might be working on how she talks about other children just like you are working on personal space with DD. At 5 they don't know how things sound and hopefully now things can be resolved easily with no fall out between kids.

yogo · 02/02/2020 22:53

If they are both saying it you need to listen, rather than judging them.

OlaEliza · 02/02/2020 22:55

You should be teaching her not to hug at all rather than giving school friends safe hugs

Jfc.

Advise your kids to become therapists, the future is going to need them.

FML

fairfat40 · 02/02/2020 22:56

The girls have done nothing wrong by telling you. And you are not unreasonable to feel upset that you’re been told your daughter is annoying.

Many posters wanting to berate the OP sound a bit smug themselves tbh. She’s not snapping at the 5 year olds. Just registering her distress on an anonymous forum.
P

lyralalala · 02/02/2020 22:56

Two of mine come across as excited/smug/odd when they are nervous. They can’t help it, especially the 6yo

Don’t teach her safe hugs, for school teach her no hugs. It’s not appropriate

lyralalala · 02/02/2020 22:58

Its not appropriate until she’s old enough to understand personal space and boundaries

MorganKitten · 02/02/2020 22:59

Your child made them uncomfortable they have been brave enough to tell you