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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

being told by other kids that my DD is annoying

260 replies

ilovepenguins79 · 02/02/2020 21:48

This week i have had two separate girls (both age 5 and classmates in reception with my DD) come up to me, looking rather pleased with themselves, to tell me that they find my DD annoying due to the way she hugs (around the neck and we are working on this, she's just a bit unaware of personal space).
I was quite taken aback and responded 'thank you for letting me know, we can all be a bit annoying sometimes can't we?'.
DD can get a bit over excited and forgets herself but (and i know i am biased) i couldn't see her going out of her way to speak to her peers parents about anything let alone something like this.

AIBU to be a bit taken aback by this?

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 03/02/2020 08:09

@jakeyboy1 me "well she's very good at maths maybe she knows that bit already"

That is a terrible thing to say. You should have told your child to stop preventing other children from working in maths. It doesn't matter if she is clever and doesn't need to concentrate other children are entitled to work in peace. Absolutely unbelievable parenting!

MyuMe · 03/02/2020 08:11

Also ask the teacher for help and support on this one.

Oh dear god as if teachers didn't have enough to do.

Just tell your kid to stop it.

myself2020 · 03/02/2020 08:25

Your child is probably - without wanting to - hurting her classmates, and she makes them feel uncomfortable. The girls told you - of course they were happy - they thought they had figured out a way to stop it. They have a right to their own body.
Tell your daughter no hugs unless somebody asks for one, and then only gentle safe ones.

Rhubarbncustard4 · 03/02/2020 08:33

I would tell your daughter only safe hugs and no hugs for the two girls who came up to you because they don’t like it - massively saddening that little kids can’t hug each other anymore .

justwithacuppaquickly · 03/02/2020 08:34

I had this when my dc pre school, quite a few 4 year olds, one of the children came up to tell me what dc was doing wrong and they seemed pleased to be doing it - I am not sure what word to give it - sure of themselves? PPs have said it was good the children who were "sure of themselves" were talking to an adult rather than get physical and say unkind things to the annoying child. However, in my case the "sure of themselves" children were at the same time getting physical and saying mean things to the other children. OP that might be why you were taken aback, was that your worry?

On one occasion when I was picking dc up from pre school a bit early, I was watching the children while the woman in charge chatted to me and as we were chatting one of the "sure of themselves" children asked my dc to go to the corner of the room to play on a table and then stabbed my dc in the leg with a plastic fork - ie it looked like my dc had been lured into the corner to be stabbed... like Lord of the Flies ... the woman in charge who looked embarrassed and promised to speak with the "sure of themselves" child but did nothing at that time and so that was probably part of the problem. I got my dc and left, aghast at what I had seen. The mother of that child was the most popular, had the nicest house in the area. It was a private pre school.
Another time again when I was picking up and talking to the woman in charge, a different "sure of themselves" child was telling two other children to gang up on another child because "we don't like her" in front of us and again the person in charge just got flustered and said "she is one of the dominant ones"...

So although not ideal to be using the word "smug" there might be something like this simmering, it is worth keeping an eye on it. They are all just 5 but I think the social lessons they get now - ie being nice as well as not invading personal spaces - will make a difference as they go through school and into life.

Though on the other hand, sometimes children telling tales will just be that and nothing more, in which case I just smile and say "Oh really?" and then talk to dc later.

Littlemeadow123 · 03/02/2020 09:00

The 'smugness' was probably pride that they had done the 'grown-up' thing in finding a solution by telling an adult.

Young children should be able to go up to an adult and tell them about a problem they are experiencing. If their places were reversed, what would you want your daughter to do? Put up with it in silence or tell an adult?

Littlemeadow123 · 03/02/2020 09:02

Or maybe it was smugness but at the end of the day they are only five. Therefore, I really don't think it's worth taking offence at.

PrinkingPreening · 03/02/2020 09:03

If they are all the same sort of age and size then those kids are probably getting hurt by your DD's "hugs".

How would you feel if someone your size kept doing this to you against your will?!

Your DD has to stop doing this. Unless she has special needs of some kind then she is quite old enough to understand that she mustn't do it.

Reginabambina · 03/02/2020 09:05

Nothing annoys me more than tattling, my own children seem to have picked up this habit from school (I have to repeatedly tell them that I’m not interested in petty problems, all the fucking time). Why can’t they just sort things out between themselves? I appreciate that your DD’s hugging must be annoying to them but why on earth do they think you’d care? I’m impressed by your cool response. I would have had a strong urge to tell them that they were annoying.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 03/02/2020 09:08

YABU for calling five year olds ‘smug’.

tinierclanger · 03/02/2020 09:11

Smug Hmm. We should be proud of children that have the confidence to articulate to an adult when something isn’t right.

You don’t have to teach your DD not to hug. You teach her to ask if she can hug. And to respect it if people say no. And yeah to do it properly not round the neck.

RhymesWithOrange · 03/02/2020 09:11

The kids are 5. They don't have the resources to sort it out amongst themselves.

Similarly, a 5 year old doesn't really have the emotional complexity to be "smug".

OP just teach your daughter about boundaries and personal space. Don't label her as a bully. Don't label the other kids as smug or tittle tattles.

LolaSmiles · 03/02/2020 09:14

Nothing annoys me more than tattling, my own children seem to have picked up this habit from school (I have to repeatedly tell them that I’m not interested in petty problems, all the fucking time). Why can’t they just sort things out between themselves? I appreciate that your DD’s hugging must be annoying to them but why on earth do they think you’d care?

Children saying they don't want to be repeatedly hugged is tattling?
I'm guessing if children find being forced to give hugs and kisses to family and friends annoying they should also shut up and put up with it because they'd just be making a fuss? Would it be tattling if girls said they don't want a boy in their class to be hugging them round the neck?

At what point is is acceptable for a child to tell an adult when their personal space is being invaded and they are unhappy with the contact?

Fannia · 03/02/2020 09:15

You should really be pleased they have brought this to your attention so you can sort it out before it becomes an issue that affects your dd socially.

justwithacuppaquickly · 03/02/2020 09:17

We should be proud of children that have the confidence to articulate to an adult when something isn’t right sometimes the kids who are confidently articulating are also using doing it as part of wider bullying though. Just something to be aware of. Confidence and being able to articulate is really good, but if it is being used to bully less confident, less articulate children that also needs to be dealt with.

insanepizza · 03/02/2020 09:24

@MyuMe I say this as a teacher. EYFS is about developing skills, including social and emotional. This fits in with the early learning goals for the OP's child and something that can be worked on at home and at school.

Dancingontheedge · 03/02/2020 09:26

We used to sort things out ourselves when I was at school, without adult involvement. Usually through clobbering someone. I’m pleased that other forms of conflict resolution are now preferred.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/02/2020 09:28

Nothing annoys me more than tattling, aka reporting to an adult when they have been hurt or feel uncomfortable.

jakeyboy1 · 03/02/2020 10:32

@CaptainMyCaptain they are in reception. He was upsetting my daughter. I nipped it in the bud to stop her being upset. Not terrible parenting in my opinion.

Urkiddingright · 03/02/2020 10:42

I don’t think a 5 year old can be smug really, I think you’re over sensitive. They don’t want to be hugged which is their right, your DD needs to be taught about boundaries.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/02/2020 11:36

@jakeyboy1 I was a Reception teacher and wouldn't have allowed a child to stop a less able child from getting on with their work because they had found it easy. You sound like you are making excuses instead of telling her to stop doing it. I also speak as the parent of a child who did the same thing in English at secondary school and I had words with her about it.

Original poster
ilovepenguins79 · 03/02/2020 11:39

One of the girls did it again this morning - as we were entering the playroom 'DD is very annoying..'. i ignored her. last night one of my friends who also has a DD in the school was confronted by one of them who gave her a long list of things she didn't like about her DD.

I have spoken to the reception teacher and she knew which children had spoken to me straight away and hasn't witnessed my DD hugging like that before but will keep an eye out. I have taught her 'hugs are for home, high fives are for school' thank you to the poster who suggested that, she seems to get it!

OP posts:
Unusualsuspicion · 03/02/2020 11:39

"If it happens again just say, "stop telling tales, now off you go!""

Dear God, it isn't 1970. They are saying that they don't like being hugged against their will and they've had the nous to tell the person who might actually be able to do something about it - that's pretty clever if you ask me. Would you prefer that they tell the DD to go away or hit her over the head? Because that's the kind of solution a 5yo will think up if left to their own devices.

Original poster
ilovepenguins79 · 03/02/2020 11:41

sorry last night one of my friends told me that they had been confronted.

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 03/02/2020 11:47

Nothing annoys me more than tattling, my own children seem to have picked up this habit from school (I have to repeatedly tell them that I’m not interested in petty problems, all the fucking time). Why can’t they just sort things out between themselves? I appreciate that your DD’s hugging must be annoying to them but why on earth do they think you’d care? I’m impressed by your cool response. I would have had a strong urge to tell them that they were annoying.

Until I drummed it into his head to speak to an adult, ds's response to unwanted physical affection from his peers was to punch and kick until they stopped. I did try teaching him to resolve things himself but too many of his peer group just ignored him asking them to stop (witnessed by me on a few occasions) or followed him repeating the behaviour when he walked away.