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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy who ghosted me got back in touch... WWYD?

269 replies

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 02:21

Started seeing a guy back in October who I met online. Both of us recently divorced and agreed we weren’t wanting to jump in to anything too serious. We’d usually meet every week or so (with minimal text contact every few days or so in between dates) - dates were always great fun, lots of chemistry and would end with amazing sex. Last date was just before Christmas when he took me away for the weekend, we stayed in a lovely hotel together and was wined and dined. After returning home he messaged to say what a great time he had and I responded agreeing and asking whether he was free to meet again on a proposed date in between Christmas and new year (he’d initiated the last date, so felt like my turn). He responded to say that unfortunately he already had family plans that day. He didn’t propose an alternative date, so I just responded saying that it was no problem. Christmas and new year passed and I heard nothing from him at all, in fact I heard nothing from him again until today when he messaged me out of the blue asking how I was and mentioned that if I’d like to meet up again to just let him know. No explanation as to the lack of contact.

I’m in two minds as I very much enjoyed our dates and the arrangement we had going. I felt a bit disappointed that he just disappeared. At the same time though, I’m not sure allowing myself to be dropped and picked back up again on a whim is a very respectful thing to do to myself and wonder whether I should just leave it in the past. Would really appreciate your advice/what others would do in my position.

OP posts:
timetest · 02/02/2020 15:00

I think you’ve made a sensible decision. Better luck with the next guy.

PatellarTendonitis · 02/02/2020 15:15

This is like an OLD form of a booty call. If you're fine with being booty called, then respond, but it sounds like you're not so just don't respond.

3luckystars · 02/02/2020 15:50

I dont think he ghosted you.

It sounds very casual. Maybe one of his children or parents were sick. You just do not know what is going on in the mans life. If you like him give him a chance.
If you want something more serious, then that's different.

WaggleWiggle · 02/02/2020 16:02

It’s hard to know if the ball really was in his court without knowing the wording of the messages between you, tbh. If he’d said ‘would have loved that but I’ve got stuff on that day!’ and you just replied ‘no worries.’, for example, that could seem like he was keen but you were abrupt to him. If you were encouraging but got nothing back, then that’s different. Also, didn’t wish him happy Christmas either and he’s been the one to initiate contact again.

I guess you could lose nothing by telling him that because he didn’t seem interested in fixing another date you’d taken that as a sign he wasn’t too fussed.

Girlmeetsbook · 02/02/2020 16:13

But you didn't contact him either? Or text him Christmas/Happy New year wishes . I don't think there's a rule that states that he ought to have suggested an alternative date. Basically if you're happy with the casual nature of this on mutual terms, go ahead. And if not, then leave well alone.

MyuMe · 02/02/2020 16:50

I think He's just not that into you has done dating a huge load of damage.

I can honestly tell you what I'd say to someone I'd been on a handful of dates with (and with an agreement that it was casual) if they told me what they thought of me and issued an ulitmatum to get in my life permanently or get out...

The response would be foxtrot oscar.

Geneshish · 02/02/2020 17:02

IF you might consider giving him another chance say something like 'I think I'm for looking for a bit more of a regular relationship than you are so thanks but I've decided to move on. Wishing you all the best.'

It closes things down but gives him your reason and therefore an opportunity to let you know if there have been crossed wires.

NicEv · 02/02/2020 17:22

I find this very odd. You had a casual arrangement . He didn’t contact you - but you didn’t contact him. I genuinely don’t understand what he has done that is any different to what you have done ? If you had contacted him and he ignored you then fair enough - but you were just out of contact with each other for a bit.

If you like him then see him again. Be open with him if you want to move things on a bit beyond a casual arrangement , see what he says.

If you don’t like him , don’t see him.

It’s that simple for me - he doesn’t sound like a scoundrel who has behaved unforgivably !

cushioncovers · 02/02/2020 17:31

You both didn't bother. Which is fine if you were both happy with that. As far as reconnecting if you're comfortable with it being a fwb arrangement without getting emotionally involved then go yes shag away. Smile. If you think you're falling for this guy then no don't bother.

Aridane · 02/02/2020 17:31

Who ‘ghosted’ whom?

LovePoppy · 02/02/2020 21:51

Good lord, all these “games” and “rules” and balls in courts.

If you wanted to see him, why not just text again?

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 02/02/2020 22:03

I think this is called benching, when you get sidelined and then picked back up again. I’m sure this hurts a bit but you sound sensible do yourself a favour and ignore him.

Isthisit22 · 02/02/2020 22:13

Find it strange that you didn't even text him 'merry christmas'.
Surely you can see that he probably thought you weren't interested too?

pandora101 · 02/02/2020 22:45

Find it strange that you didn't even text him 'merry christmas'.

I find it strange HE didnt even text the OP a merry christmas, (given she was the last to iniciate contact in December and offered a date)

P999 · 03/02/2020 00:11

Reply to his text in about 6 weeks time Smile

Bobthefish2 · 03/02/2020 06:56

I'm not sure how this was ghosting you, he replied to your last message.
It was the run up to Christmas, everyone is super busy, I know that if someone asked me to meet up between that time then my response would have been the same and I probably wouldn't have suggested an alternative date, as things are so hectic. Yes I may have got in touch in the new year to say hi etc.

You said you didn't message him to say Merry Christmas or HNY. Why would you think it's solely his responsibility to do that? If I really liked someone, and they had been in my head for a couple of weeks as you say, then I would definitely have dropped them a quick message during that time.
He may have thought you were being a bit moody with your "no problem" response and then thought he would leave the ball in your court to message again.
Yes - absolutely he could have been shagging someone else in January but maybe he has had a tough month and doesn't feel comfortable sharing that with you at this stage, but feels like he wants to say hi again.
You've got nothing to lose by responding - use it as your chance to ask what he has been up to recently, you could even add into the message "I know it seems so far away now, but how was your Christmas and New Year - we haven't spoken since then"
That then makes the point that you are aware it's been a while.
I think you should reply, let us know what you decide.

MyuMe · 03/02/2020 07:00

Ghosting is when they vanish without a trace and you never see them again.

He is back.

Tammyxxx · 03/02/2020 17:55

I’d be too curious - I’d need to respond - just to find out why he’d left it so long to get in touch - perhaps he’s just too tight to buy you a Christmas pressie?

happybunny03 · 03/02/2020 17:57

It’s strange that he bothered with the whole weekend away etc he didn’t have to do that if you were having sex before that weekend. Overall I agree that he is probably in it for casual fun/sex. I would leave it for a bit and then text back to say that you found it strange not be in contact at all for so long and as a result you would rather not meet up again...

di2004 · 03/02/2020 18:07

Don’t do it. Look after number 1 x

fib88 · 03/02/2020 18:09

He just retreated into his man cave... Let him chase you and see how far he's willing to go to win you back - his behaviour is normal according to the book “Men are from Mars women are from Venus”

staceyflack · 03/02/2020 18:09

Forget texting, too much room for confusion.
Call him, if you like him or you might miss out, definitely worth a conversation. "Happy 2020! Where have you been?" And base your actions on his response - trust yourself. 💐

yasmin0147 · 03/02/2020 18:12

hmm, I personally wouldn’t recommend it. And the fact that you’ve had to write it here and ask for advice shows you probably don’t think it’s a good idea either.

FelicisNox · 03/02/2020 18:13

As soon as I saw the heading I thought "f***g ignore him".

You've answered your own question: don't disrespect yourself. Just message him back saying:

Thanks for getting in touch but as I hadn't heard from you in 6wks I assumed you had no interest and I've moved on now.
All the best
@Ghosteddramas

He's using you and will happy drop you as soon as he gets what he considers to be a better offer. Come on now, what do YOU think he's been doing since Christmas? Or rather whom? Hmm

LouReidDododo · 03/02/2020 18:17

Retreated in to his man cave? Hmm

OP your doing the right thing, your not a toy for him to pick up and put down.