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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy who ghosted me got back in touch... WWYD?

269 replies

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 02:21

Started seeing a guy back in October who I met online. Both of us recently divorced and agreed we weren’t wanting to jump in to anything too serious. We’d usually meet every week or so (with minimal text contact every few days or so in between dates) - dates were always great fun, lots of chemistry and would end with amazing sex. Last date was just before Christmas when he took me away for the weekend, we stayed in a lovely hotel together and was wined and dined. After returning home he messaged to say what a great time he had and I responded agreeing and asking whether he was free to meet again on a proposed date in between Christmas and new year (he’d initiated the last date, so felt like my turn). He responded to say that unfortunately he already had family plans that day. He didn’t propose an alternative date, so I just responded saying that it was no problem. Christmas and new year passed and I heard nothing from him at all, in fact I heard nothing from him again until today when he messaged me out of the blue asking how I was and mentioned that if I’d like to meet up again to just let him know. No explanation as to the lack of contact.

I’m in two minds as I very much enjoyed our dates and the arrangement we had going. I felt a bit disappointed that he just disappeared. At the same time though, I’m not sure allowing myself to be dropped and picked back up again on a whim is a very respectful thing to do to myself and wonder whether I should just leave it in the past. Would really appreciate your advice/what others would do in my position.

OP posts:
MzHz · 02/02/2020 12:58

Anyone who gives this man the benefit of the doubt just like that is a complete mug and asking to be treated like crap!

Have some dignity and value yourself better!

Shamazing · 02/02/2020 12:59

When he then failed to send a text over Christmas and new year, I assume he began dating someone else or was dating someone else all along and became more interested in them.

I think this is a fair assumption tbh. If you want casual sex with absolutely no strings, then great, but if you want casual sex with some consideration then I don't think I would get in touch if it were me.

HopefulRealist · 02/02/2020 13:00

I get what you are saying OP, I was thinking he may have sent you a text after you said 'no worries/no problem' eg. 'I'm going to be busy over xmas and away with kids so let's be in touch early Feb' or an xmas wish text. But even that seems odd given you've had so much contact right?
You know the context of your messages and interactions best.
If you don't like the thought of meeting him that is a great indicator you are done and dusted!

Purpletigers · 02/02/2020 13:03

Don’t get in touch . If he liked you he would have messaged before now . If you liked him you would have messaged before now . People don’t play games when they have a genuine connection . He’s probably just horny .

arethereanyleftatall · 02/02/2020 13:13

I'm only on the first few pages, but am wondering how many of the 'bin him' type responses have actually experienced online dating.
This is how it works. Everybody is chatting to a good few people at the same time. No one owes anyone anything.

Also, the 'he only wants a shag' type responses. Isn't that how practically all relationships start?

morrisseysquif · 02/02/2020 13:15

Meet up but don't have sex then you'll know if it's just a sex thing.

bluegreygreen · 02/02/2020 13:17

It's standard in our society though to send a signed card / ecard / text at Christmas and a text at New Year to all the people who matter to us, to let them know we are thinking of them despite the busy period. OP didn't make the list with this man

MRex the point some people are making is that she didn't contact him in any way either - it's not like she was in touch and he ignored her (usual definition of ghosting?)

It's up to OP what she wants to do from here - contact him or not, be happy with something casual or want more - but it's best to do it with a clear understanding of what has happened so far and what she wants, rather than automatically blaming the other person.

MyuMe · 02/02/2020 13:17

Also, the 'he only wants a shag' type responses. Isn't that how practically all relationships start?

Quite. Most people that I can see have sex by date 3. Imo that's far too early to have developed feelings so everyone is starting out with sex

Ghosteddramas · 02/02/2020 13:23

To be honest I’m probably leaning towards not responding. Despite things being casual, I did feel a bit disappointed when the contact suddenly stopped and it was on my mind for a good couple of weeks, wondering what had happened as our last date went so well. The reason I didn’t initiate any further messages was because I felt the ball was very much in his court. I don’t want to chase after someone who isn’t interested, so I waited to see if I’d hear. After our last date I would probably say I could see myself going on to develop feelings and it’s clear from his actions since then that he doesn’t see me that way. As much as I’d enjoy seeing him again for some casual fun, I’m not sure it’s healthy to do it to myself.

OP posts:
x2boys · 02/02/2020 13:25

Dh started as a,one night stand,but very quickly turned into something serious , tbh it doesn't matter how soon you have sex it's wether there is any commitment involved so.ringing and texting ,generally just keeping in touch ,neither the op.or the guy have made any contact in 5/6 weeks so it doesn't sound like there is a relationship and anything that did happen sounds like it was based on sex ,nothing wrong with that as long as both are on the same page .

MRex · 02/02/2020 13:29

@bluegreygreen - her last message from him was quite literally "no, I can't make it" and then silence for 6 weeks, she had replied saying "no worries" but you think she then should be chasing him again to force him to reply? How undignified.

bluegreygreen · 02/02/2020 13:42

No, I don't think so at all - and didn't say so

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 02/02/2020 13:47

I think that is a good way to see it OP, put yourself first, if you think you can get hurt, keep a distance. At the end of the day more people fall heads over over people who are not showing much interest so it is better not to get in that dynamic.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/02/2020 13:49

'Hi! Just got a message from this number - 01234567890. Just letting you know you've probably sent it by mistake as you're not on my contact list.'

Grin
wonkytonkwoman · 02/02/2020 14:02

I think that's a good decision, OP.

Skysblue · 02/02/2020 14:07

He’s already messing with your head OP. Avoid. When relationships work, they’re simple from the start. This one isn’t going to work out for you so why put yourself through a load of misery.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 02/02/2020 14:08

He probably thinks that you ghosted him!

ThebishopofBanterbury · 02/02/2020 14:14

Hell no. How could you? Ghosting is so bloody rude. There is no way I'd be responding.

KarmaStar · 02/02/2020 14:15

Hi op,
If you really had a good time with him and your but feeling is not to walk away then do meet up but don't have sex with him for a few weeks then at least you will feel that was not all he was after and it will give you the opportunity to see if you really like him or not.
Hope it turns out what's best for you either way.

KarmaStar · 02/02/2020 14:15

Gut not but!

pandora101 · 02/02/2020 14:28

to be honest, I think the last weekend away was maybe just too perfect, and when you came home, you suggested a next date. I know you did it bc it was "your turn", but maybe after that intense weekend it was just too much?

you both are after divorces and it maybe seemed very "eager" to suggest a date right after that intense weekend? like I hear how his friends are telling him: you are on a hook, she wants a relationship bro

I am just saying what could had happened

not your fault obviously
your interest maybe scared him, now he knows you are not going to chase him, he is trying the waters

but! to not send you a christmas or new years eve greeting...

maybe you two are perfect for each other, but the timing (which still stands, you are both after divorces) the timing was/is wrong for anything

I would not answer, only if you want to be his good female friend to hear out his moaning about his failed marriage
imho

Crunchymum · 02/02/2020 14:30

I'd be dying to know why he went off grid but I think you are being very sensible @Ghosteddramas

Boireannachlaidir · 02/02/2020 14:34

Agree with PP @Itwasntme1 has a perfect reply, I'd send that though he almost doesn't really deserve a response. You did nothing wrong.

Value yourself OP, I think he's been quite disrespectful and I'd have spent time afterwards wondering why he'd not arranged another date too with the ball in his court.

PenelopePissedstop · 02/02/2020 14:42

Release this one back into the wild. FFs how long does it take to text Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year, you weren’t on his mind at either time, or he has no manners - neither are redeeming qualities.

TheFuzzyStar · 02/02/2020 14:53

I think there has been a misunderstanding. He may have been waiting for you to get in touch?