Awkward situation with Father in laws wife

[Charchar19]

I am currently pregnant and we had our 12 week scan yesterday and all is well so we decided to go and tell our families this morning and show off the scan photos. My husbands parents are not together and he got re married about 5 years ago, he is very argumentative and treats my husband like a child and constantly dismisses him as stupid so we dont have the best relationship and see him and his wife maybe 3-4 times a year. I had already discussed with my OH what our child will call his wife however only briefly as we didn't think it would be mentioned already, whilst my OH thinks she's a lovely lady he doesn't see her as a step mum as he was in his mid twenties when they met and just haven't developed a relationship with her like that. OH was also concerned his mum would be upset if she was also called nanny and they have the same first name so could be confusing. Anyway today we went and told them straight away his dad's wife is like I'm going to be a granny a little while later his dad starts asking so can you confirm will there be 2 or 3 nans. My OH tried to change the subject but he kept speaking about it. Are we being unreasonable by thinking we won't call her nan or granny? The whole situation this morning was so full on and I wasn't expecting stuff like this to be brought up already! Has anyone else been in this situation?

fwiw, she'd be known as her first name if this was my situation.

For everyone saying just call her by her first name or by Nanny Firstname, the complication is that her first name (and surname) are identical to the OP's MIL

Just call her by her first name.
Your DH doesn’t have a relationship with her so why would she be treated as a grandparent? If his dad doesn’t like it tough
My dad & his wife have never referred to her as a parent or grandparent she’s just K on the cards he signs

I've kind of been in your shoes. The difference being neither of our mums are alive. My dh had a step mum that brought him up who unfortunately also died, I have no doubt that she would have been regarded as our sons nan.
But his dads new wife has only been around a year longer than me, so is not my dh's step mum. It became clear when I was pregnant that she assumed she would be nan though, I always felt she should not have assumed that would be the case.
We are nc now because she kept over stepping and making me feel uncomfortable- but given that our baby had no nans, I wish it had worked out for my son.
The fact is the decision is yours and your dh's - your baby will have his real nans so while it would be nice for your dc to develop a relationship with this woman, it's up to you what she is called! I doubt your dh's dad will see it this way though.

I have stepdaughters that I first met when they were adults and stepgrandchildren that have been born since then. I would very much like to be some kind of granny to them but as we don't see them very often ( they live 6 hours away) I have always been called by my first name. I would love it if this could change but I feel this has to come from my stepdaughters. On the other hand my husband is in the same position with my own grandchildren and as we live very close to them we chose a made-up grandad type name for my grandchildren to call him and they very much see him as one of their grandparents. So I suppose we have done it both ways! As a new parent, I think I would find a grandma type name for her that you make up, and let her know what that is going to be. Or maybe a foreign version of the name, such as Oma, or Nonna, so that there is a clear distinction between the names the real grandmothers are called and the name you call her, but still a name that reflects her position in the family. As your FILs wife she will be part of your family, it would be kind of you to allow her a family name.

@possum I am genuinely intrigued by this. If you have never been any sort of parent to these girls and rarely see Them and their children, why do you want to be thought of as a grandparent?

You aren’t, I assume, called mum by these girls. I don’t mean to sound goady but am genuinely puzzled by these desire for the Granny title.

As a child I had 3 sets of grandparents. One set split and remarried long before I was born. So I had a nanny and grandad (both biological) and then a granny and grandpa-name and a nanny-name and grandad.

This was how it was decided by my parents and the grandparents in question and I never realised til I was an adult how it was different. But it made perfect sense to everyone.

Any granny’s on here with views about step parents also being called granny? I assume it’s not as emotive as step mums asking to be called mum, but how Does it make you feel?

My children had a nana, nanny G, nanny A ,grandma, great grandma, grandad, grandad in(country he lived in) and a grandpa... The more people who loved my children the better.

My Mum's DH is Papa because granddad and grandpa were both taken by the other Grandparents. The DC adore him as much as they adore their other Grandparents and he plays a lovely part in their lives. I'm alright with names for long-standing folk married into the family and if my Dad ever remarried I'd happily let the DC use a Granny-based name.

My mum lives in an apartment building for people who are retired, so my kids have several honorary Nannas/Grandmas they aren’t related to. The more people who care for them in their lives, the better, in my view.

As a child of divorce I appreciate this is emotive for your DH, but having a child means putting them first. I have a stepmother who I most likely wouldn’t or would rarely see, if my Dad was no longer around, but she has been in my DC’s life since they were born and I wouldn’t deny their relationship, ever. I’ll facilitate it as long as they want it.

I'd simply say "It's way too early to be thinking about names and titles! We'll talk about who's what sometime in the future"

Meanwhile, when you're ready consult your Mum and MIL about what they'd like to be called. When they've chosen, you can decide how to progress with DIL's partner.

Following on from my previous post. I had three sets of grandparents as a child. My maternal grandparents were my only complete biological set. My paternal grandmother died when my Dad was young and his dad re-married. We always considered her to be a grandmother. My parents divorced and married other people. My lovely step-dad had parents who were as lovely as he was - we were welcomed into their family and treated the same as their 'natural' grandchildren. We chose to call them by grandparent names just as, later on, my children called my step-dad and my dad's new wife by grandparent names. Some Grandparents have that name because of a biological link, but some, like two of my nans, earn it because they act as a grandparent. Personally, I think both are acceptable.

My view on it is probably different to many others.

When I was pregnant my dad was worried that my mum was trying to push him out and replace him with my stepdad. Mum and stepdad had been married about 15 years or so by that point so not a new relationship.

My dad was very ill, with a degenerative neurological disease which included dementia type symptoms. He was really upset that my stepdad would also be "grandad".

My stepdad only appeared on the scene when I was late teens and while he's very pleasant, I didn't really have any kind of relationship with him. Conversely, I was very close to my dad and I didn't want him to be upset.

I chose for my children to call my dad "Grandad" and my stepdad "Uncle Simon". It's worked beautifully and hasn't caused a problem.

In all honesty, if my mum hadn't been as pushy and made my dad feel bad, he'd probably have been a grandad too but in retrospect I'm really glad I differentiated them.

Both DH and I have separated parents with new partners, also met those partners when we were adults so we don’t consider them step parents whatsoever (as nice as they are). DC call them by their first name, nobody has ever even suggested it would be any other way.

Don’t the royals use ‘Gan gan’?

I think that’s lovely.

Any granny’s on here with views about step parents also being called granny?

Granny, no because I’m Granny. Any permutation of nan or nanny, fill your boots.

I'm granny and don't care what anyone else is called. I thought it was weird when I was told the other grandmother had claimed nanny so what did I want to be called. I had 2 grannies and it never occurred to me that I couldn't be granny if someone else claimed the name first. If my ex had a wife and she had a relationship with the GC it wouldn't be any of my business what she was called and it wouldn't worry me.

I called my grandads wife Mary. She was married to him just before I was born and my grandmother was dead but they were grandad and Mary to me. She wasn't my grandmother.

Does the step mum/potentially gran have her own children or grandchildren?
Maybe you have the potential to make her very happy and give her a beautiful gift, which if you put all negative feelings aside could be a wonderful thing for you too.
A colleague of mine always spoke of her regret of leaving it too late to have children and you could see a piece was missing from her life. She had married and become a "stepmother" to an already grown up woman and had never really had that chance to bond.
Two years ago a light came into my colleague's life when she discovered her stepdaughter was having a baby. I was pregnant at the time and she would joyfully update me on how her granddaughter was growing while I shared my own pregnancy stories. I can imagine she could be overbearing with all this, but the absolute joy brought to her life through this child is a miracle. Even last week she was showing me photos of her toddler granddaughter and asking for advice on where they could take her on her next visit. Shes bought a pet turtle because she now has an interest in animals sparked by her grandchild.
I always think about her stepdaughter and what a special gift she has given this lady.
Maybe that is not your situation at all though.

I think Cynthia has hit the nail on the head, if they split up it's likely you will never see them again. I wouldn't expect to be called Nan as a step parent, unless the step child called me mum for whatever reason.

My DH would not want our DC to call his SM granny or any derivative of the name.

She's not his mum, therefore she's not my DCs grandmother.

She's very pleasant and always welcoming to us when we visit....I've nothing against her at all. She gets called Auntie X by all of us.

My FIL would never refer to her as GM to my DC either.

Sandy what would he do if the children wanted to call his SM granny? As I said up thread my son didn't want my husband to be called granddad and they mainly don't but I discovered they always refer to him as granddad and their friends think he is their granddad and they have called him granddad in front of their friends. The youngest one has asked me why he can't call him granddad. He doesn't have a "real" granddad and is really close to my husband.

Should my son/your husband's feelings be more important that the childrens?

It is entirely your decision, your baby, your choice.
I have 9 grandchildren, some from my children and some from my husbands children. Ive known them all from birth, they all call me a variety of names, all of which they know means “ an older person in their lives who loves them very much and looks after us”. It is just a name, they know where I fit into their lives.
Just tell her what the children will call her.
The grandchild may choose a version of it anyway!

petty the child is lucky to have so many people wanting to be part of his or hers life.

Maybe you could do what the Royal family do with people like Princess Michael of Kent, who are deemed insufficiently royal to have their own title? So if your FIL is Keith, then your step-mother-in-law would be (say) Grandma Keith of Luton.

TBH it would probably be easier to let her have one of the grandmotherly titles that the other two grandmothers haven't chosen. Are there any local dialect words which apply to the region where your FIl and SMIL live, which wouldn't be used by the other grandparents?