Awkward situation with Father in laws wife

[Charchar19]

I am currently pregnant and we had our 12 week scan yesterday and all is well so we decided to go and tell our families this morning and show off the scan photos. My husbands parents are not together and he got re married about 5 years ago, he is very argumentative and treats my husband like a child and constantly dismisses him as stupid so we dont have the best relationship and see him and his wife maybe 3-4 times a year. I had already discussed with my OH what our child will call his wife however only briefly as we didn't think it would be mentioned already, whilst my OH thinks she's a lovely lady he doesn't see her as a step mum as he was in his mid twenties when they met and just haven't developed a relationship with her like that. OH was also concerned his mum would be upset if she was also called nanny and they have the same first name so could be confusing. Anyway today we went and told them straight away his dad's wife is like I'm going to be a granny a little while later his dad starts asking so can you confirm will there be 2 or 3 nans. My OH tried to change the subject but he kept speaking about it. Are we being unreasonable by thinking we won't call her nan or granny? The whole situation this morning was so full on and I wasn't expecting stuff like this to be brought up already! Has anyone else been in this situation?

My dad also remarried. But his wife is not my child's grandmother and they have no relationship as I don't consider her as my step-mother or any parental figure

Your child will probably choose something like bumhole anyway.

Treat your mil to a day out (coffee and cake in the park or something) and see how she feels. I bet she’s petrified about her future relationship with your child. Let her know that you will be led by your child. Children are funny, mine preferred a lady up the road to their own grandparents. She was a grumpy lady but they kind of adopted her and mellowed her! We were devastated when we heard that she had passed away and her son told us that she often spoke fondly of the children that waved to her every time they passed.

I'm a grandma and I know that both me and the other grandma would be most upset at a random woman we hardly know claiming the title.
Your child will call them what he/she wants to anyway.
A child doesn't get confused with two grandads, no reason they would get confused with two nannys.
Your fil sounds toxic though, but as you hardly see them I really wouldn't worry.
If anything else is said just say baby has two grandmothers.

I was in almost exactly the same situation as you OP. Our DD is now two. You might end up surprised.

We kept conversation to a minimum about it beforehand, but then once our DD was born, asked FIL's wife what SHE would like to be called. It put the ball back into her court and she opted for 'Grandma XXX'.

She is absolutely lovely with our DD, thinks of really thoughtful gifts, and they have a really special relationship when they do see each other - same as you, probably two or three times a year. We FaceTime them every few weeks. FIL is a pompous arse but she keeps him in check and having our DD has really strengthened DH and FIL's relationship.

It's one extra person to love DD and we don't want her to have complicated grandparent relationships.

a little while later his dad starts asking so can you confirm will there be 2 or 3 nans.

FuckSAKE competitive grandparenting already.

Charchar, don't allow yourself or DH to seethe on this - you need to get it out there pronto, or it will be the thin end of the wedge with
FiL annexing what he perceives as his decision-making authority & blaming you when you disagree about anything to do with HIS grandchild (i.e. not - note - YOUR baby.)

You only have to endure him 3 or 4 times a year, so woman & man up.
"FiL/Dad - it's not actually about you, it's OUR baby & we're the ones making the decisions. You will be grandpa, MiL/Mum will be grandma & [your wife] will be step-grandma."

Or whatever names/titles you & DH re happy about & want the seniors to run with.

If you get pushback:
"does it matter? Is the name the baby is ging to be using for you actually more important than the relationship you are going to be starting with him/her? - because this feels like politics, FiL/Dad - & we're not having political discussions about our baby."

Then instantly move on to bright remarks about the weather, the garden, fancying a cup of tea - whatever.
Just shut this shit down. It's poison, you can choose not to drink it.

@ibuiltahomeforyou aw that sounds lovely hoping for a similar situation! From the short time I have spent with her she seems like a lovely lady so no doubt she will be the same with our children. I think my worry is more I don't want FIL pushing things on us to spite my OHs mum and then my husband having the pressure of keeping both sides happy. At the end of the day the little one is the most important thing so will try and get everyone to move past it all.

My daughter had 3 sets of grand parents. We let them all choose themselves what they wished to be called! My husbands parents are grandma & grandad. My mum & husband are grandma & grandad. My dad and wife are grandad & Alice (not real name) Neither of my 'step parents' are parental figures to me as they were remarried when I was an adult. My daughter (8) has never been confused about having 3 grandads and 2 grandmas and has never asked why Alice is just Alice. It's just how it is! I think it's nice if step parents want a relationship and to be grandparent figures. I can't personally see the harm in it, especially if she will only see your child a few times a year

I think FIL will always want her to be called whatever my OH mums called just to spite her (obviously the fact they have the same first name and surname doesn't help!) I do like the idea of a cute nickname and then the little one calling her whatever they decide.

I think that’s why you and your DH need to take control of the situation

He needs to decide if he’s happy for her to have a Granny name, and if he is then you two need to pick it and decide it.

Kids pick up on a lot of things. My DH was widowed before we met. My two girls automatically called his MIL Nanny the first time they met her because DSS (that’s so weird - he’s been my DS1 for years now!) did. Now luckily for us everyone was happy with that so we didn’t have to guide them away from that. They call their Grandmother Granny and my Nana (who brought me up) they also called Nana. MIL is Gran (now) so it was all fine.

What you don’t want is your 3yo or 4yo having the name planted in their head by your FiL simply to undermine your DH’s Mum. The fact he’s already brought it up suggests he’s pushy enough to do that. Even if it’s only on social media it’s got the opportunity to potentially upset your MIL

I’d give her the choice of her name or a set Granny name, or be clear that she’s just her name. Don’t leave anything to assumption

• has not had

Its quite natural that the first thing that they all think of is will they be gran/granny/nanna etc.

Not sure I agree with this.
Isn't the first natural thought "oh, my child is entering a huge & different & challenging life stage, how can I support them in it without disrupting their new autonomy as a parent?"

I mean, obviously not as wordy, but I can't think of a single-word emotion that encompasses it. When DD confirmed that she was pregnant, the last bloody thing on my mind was what name the child would eventually be calling me - far more concerned with how my actual child was doing.
That surely isn't abnormal?

There have been several marriages and divorces by both my and DH's biological parents, so our DDs have (names have obviously been changed):

• Granny
• Nanny
• Grandma Jenny
• Grandad (sometimes known as "Normal Grandad!" )
• Grandad Rob
• Grandpa Greg
• Papa
• Grumpy

Luckily, apart from their Christenings, we've not had cause or occasion to get them all together, so there's not too much confusion!

I understand your reluctance to give your FIL's wife a 'Grandmotherly' name, but your child will have to call her something, so if I were you, I'd have a think about what you'd like her to be called, so you have some control over it - before she makes the decision herself!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

My father remarried when I was in my 30s so obviously his wife had no role in bringing me up. It didn't stop her being my stepmother or from playing a grandmotherly role to my children.

My children therefore had three grandmothers. All preferred 'Granny' to Grandma or Nan etc. My children called both their real grandmothers 'Granny' and we referred to them as he 'Granny from London' and 'Granny from Birmingham'. They called my step mother eg 'Granny Mary' and that's also how we referred to her.

It was fine and no one was offended.

Are you actually complaining about somebody being excited about your baby and being a part of its life?

No, @WelcomeToShootingStars, OP is complaining about the potential political annexation of grandparent titles by FiL- which is quite the opposite of being excited about the new arrival, because it's actually excitement about perceived status.

I am DH's second wife, his DCs from his first marriage came on holiday with us and our DCs, but never lived with us. My step son and step daughter in law have 2 young children. Neither DH nor I would dream of insisting, or even asking them to call us anything in particular. They call DH Grandpa and me my first name. They call DH's first wife Nanna and their Mum's Mum Grandma.

I had a similar situation both as a child and with my own step-parents.

My great-granddad had a second partner, and we called her by her first name.

My kids call my stepmum by her first name (she was approx 43 when they were born and felt too young to be a granny).

They call my stepdad Grandpa FirstName.

What’s a lot more confusing is that my dad and FIL both wanted to be called Grandpa so they get described by their wives - think “Grandpa says...that’s Grandpa and Jane, that Grandpa” or “Grandpa called - Grandpa and Granny, darling, daddy’s daddy...” which is a bit awkward and when DS understands surnames a bit better we’ll probably use those!

When DD confirmed that she was pregnant, the last bloody thing on my mind was what name the child would eventually be calling me - far more concerned with how my actual child was doing.
That surely isn't abnormal?

Of course it's not abnormal Everyone is different!

But for a step mil who does not have that relationship with step Dil but who might want to be involved it might be. Who knows? I don't and you don't. It's not even the step MIL asking these questions. It's FIL who has a strained relationship to begin with.

Make sure the real grandmothers get first pick of names.

Oh, some Steps are realler than Reals.

The baby won't know or care.
When they are old enough to understand - they still won't care.

The only thing to make sure of here is that FiL doesn't overstep the line by trying to point-score via nomenclature.

Yanbu but can I just say wow what a lucky child you are going to have ! It will have 3 doting grandmothers or atleast 3 doting family members? It seems your dp is uncomfortable with this non issue rather than you? I'd be pissed off at being cornered in to this embarrassing conversation, I'd probably be more worried at hurting your dads wife's feelings she sounds sweet.

It’s not really that confusing is it? For you and your partner to even be discussing it early on in your pregnancy seems to me like it’s a big issue for you and your partner. Perhaps he doesn’t want his Mum overshadowed but this lady is a part of your family too. Blended families are quite normal now, it’s possible a Child could have 4 female grandparents, it will be normal for the child.

I had two Nana’s not a Nana and a Grandma and wasn’t confused. If they have the same first name and that’s an issue for you then can’t you have Nana Ann and Granny Ann for example.

I have a stepdad who is grandad to my kids but that's because he's heavily involved in my and their lives and I have no contact with my dad as I cut him out when I was about get married. If I remained contact I know there's not a chance in hell his wife would have been grandma. The decision is your husbands. Not his dads, not his wife's. If your husband is so uncomfortable with it then that has to be respected. If you only see them 3 times a year, it's only an issue if you allow FIl to bully you. Tell him straight as a team, baby has two grandmas/nannas. She is Jane or aunty Jane. The idea that he will want his wife to be the same as your OH mum imo is awful and disrespectful, especially if you OH doesn't have a great relationship with them. All I can advise is back up your husband on this and show a United front. This is your baby, and bullies tend not to back down until stood up too.

Oh and I had 2 real grandmothers that had the official title but never bothered themselves with us growing up yet our aunts or non grandmothers were there

What about the title of aunt? It's a loving and respectful use up north

There are so many names for grandmother - can’t everyone just choose? If they choose the same thing, you could use their house/village name instead of their first name, a bit like Katie Morag with Granny Island and Granny Mainland.

This does remind me of the episode of friends where Ben is born and Phoebe comments on how lucky he is to have people fighting over him already. I wouldn’t put barriers in the way if someone good wants to love your child.

My children have 3 grandmothers and 1 great grandma. They are all referred to by different names, it's never been an issue. Just ask your husband's mum what she'd little to be called and make sure the stepmother isn't called the same thing.

I find children referring to grandparents ie Granny Nora weird but then I had a Granny and a Nanna so I guess if they all want to be called Granny then I see how it happens.

Do all 3 want to be known the same? I would be inclined to change the wife's association to another and use her name because to me that's more like the aunty/uncle vibe.