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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation with Father in laws wife

200 replies

Charchar19 · 01/02/2020 16:32

I am currently pregnant and we had our 12 week scan yesterday and all is well so we decided to go and tell our families this morning and show off the scan photos. My husbands parents are not together and he got re married about 5 years ago, he is very argumentative and treats my husband like a child and constantly dismisses him as stupid so we dont have the best relationship and see him and his wife maybe 3-4 times a year. I had already discussed with my OH what our child will call his wife however only briefly as we didn't think it would be mentioned already, whilst my OH thinks she's a lovely lady he doesn't see her as a step mum as he was in his mid twenties when they met and just haven't developed a relationship with her like that. OH was also concerned his mum would be upset if she was also called nanny and they have the same first name so could be confusing. Anyway today we went and told them straight away his dad's wife is like I'm going to be a granny Hmm a little while later his dad starts asking so can you confirm will there be 2 or 3 nans. My OH tried to change the subject but he kept speaking about it. Are we being unreasonable by thinking we won't call her nan or granny? The whole situation this morning was so full on and I wasn't expecting stuff like this to be brought up already! Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 01/02/2020 17:20

There are lots of terms for grandparents, just ask the biological grandmas what they' like to be called and then offer something else to the SM.
www.verywellfamily.com/choose-the-perfect-grandmother-name-1695527

It's going to be better for your baby to have a nice relationship especially if the lady's excited and wants to be involved.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/02/2020 17:20

I assume your OH doesn’t call her mum so it should be fine for him to say something along the lines of “It would be weird for our child to call her nan when I don’t call her mum.” if that’s what he wants.

But I agree with others that it’s not something that will have any material impact and it’s not confusing for the many, many other children that have more than two grandmothers or grandfathers. Especially if you aren’t likely to see them that often.

MintyMabel · 01/02/2020 17:20

Not sure why it’s so confusing. There is no maximum on grandmas, surely? I managed to keep 8 sets of aunties and uncles straight in my head.

If you don’t want her to be grandma, that’s your choice, but don’t pretend it is because of some sort of societal rule. Just own it.

ChicCroissant · 01/02/2020 17:21

While I can understand your DH's concerns, you're not really seeing it from the child's point of view! This isn't going to be someone who the child doesn't meet until their twenties like your DH and his father's wife, it's someone who is going to be in your child's life from the start.

ContessaferJones · 01/02/2020 17:21

Ah, we had a 3 Nanny situation. My mum then died so we were back down to 2. Pretty sure it would have been alright even if she hadn't died though.

If you don't mind the woman then I'd just leave it tbh.

namechanger2019 · 01/02/2020 17:21

I have a step Mum. She is lovely. My Dad and her married when I was 28. They are Grandad and Helen (not her real name). She would never want to step on my mum or DH's mums toes. Never been mentioned, just always been Grandad and Helen to the kids. They really love her and have a strong bond etc but just the way it is. She seems fine with it. She has her own DGC though and they call my dad by his first name and not Grandad.

frazzledasarock · 01/02/2020 17:23

DP’s dad is married to the woman his father left his mum for.

MIL is nanny and wanted to be called that. Luckily for us FIL & SMIL are grandad and grandma. I would have suggested grandma had she said she’s nanny and said no MIL is nanny.

Your FIL sounds like and arse tho and wanting to cause an argument. I bet SMIL doesn’t mind what she’s called.

Original poster
Charchar19 · 01/02/2020 17:25

Thanks everyone for your ideas. I think its a good idea for the child to just develop a natural relationship with her and call her what they are comfortable with, my OH and I had said when we spoke about it before she can't just be known as her first name so will chat with my mum and his mum about how they will be known and go from there. I think my issue is definitely the way my husbands dad was very pushy with it (and he is very pushy with a lot of things) that has got me overthinking it so much.

Our child is definitely going to be very loved!

OP posts:
Washinglinewench29 · 01/02/2020 17:25

Totally agree if you literally see them 3/4 times a year wouldn't be dishing out the granny title either to be honest.

AnyCreamWillDo · 01/02/2020 17:25

I've always thought "GG/Gigi" is a nice, stylish, not-quite-Granny name. I plan on using it for when I have grandchildren but you are very welcome to have it!

dottiedodah · 01/02/2020 17:26

When DD was born ,we had Nanny Smith(My GM) ,Nanny Powell MIL and Nanny Hart my DM no problems at all!

Bee2828 · 01/02/2020 17:29

It’s a difficult one. It’s totally up to you as the parents.

However, it can work

I have two DC. My son from a previous relationship and daughter with partner.

My son has my mum and stepdad - Granny and grandad. I don’t have a dad so that’s not an issue. He also has my grandparents so great grandparents, he also has his dads mum and her partner, his paternal grandad dies, he also had his dads grandmothers, he also has my partners mum and her partner. All called different things.

My children call my mother in laws partner grampy. I’m not overly comfortable with it but my partner hasn’t seen his dad in many year’s so that’s not an issue.

Maybe you could make a cute nickname for her.

I totally get how awkward it is. Particularly because your partners mum might not be comfortable with it.

In this house we have granny, great granny, nanny, nana, great nana etc etc! Thankfully they all have different titles and are fine with it!

Fuckmyliferightnow · 01/02/2020 17:29

I had 4 Nans/Grannies due to break up and re marriages, one died very young but the remaining 3 were all see as grandmothers.
Do what comes naturally to your child, they may be very close.
This issue is being forced!

Bee2828 · 01/02/2020 17:30

You could also use their first names or surnames. Like Nanny Smith or Nanny Trixie. I just made these names up!

lyralalala · 01/02/2020 17:33

I think you (well your OH) should choose a name for her. You don’t really want anything to do with her name like “Nanny Smith” being picked up given the same name thing

I’d let your MIL pick what she wants to be known as and then tell step-Mum that obviously she can’t be the same so she can be X-name to the baby if she wants, but it’s ok if she just wants to be Mary/Susan

Take away any risk of your FIL co-opting your MiL’s choice of name for his wife by making it their choice if she is the alternative name or just her name

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 01/02/2020 17:33

I really cannot understand why a woman who is not related to a child wants to be called granny or grandma. My husband's daughter had a baby and asked if I wanted to be called Nanny! God, no way! Just call me by my first name, please!

EsmeeMerlin · 01/02/2020 17:33

On the other side here, my sons do not call my mum’s husband grandad, they call him by his name. I do not view him as a stepdad as such because he married my mum when I was In my early 20s and long moved out and he is also her 3rd husband after two other stepdads. It also feels a little disrespectful to my dad who died when I was a child and would have adored my children. As a result I just do not feel comfortable with my kids calling him grandad. It’s always been fine with my children and they have never questioned it.

Villageidiots · 01/02/2020 17:33

My two DS called my step MIL nanny Pat. No confusion, only a nice close relationship.

NearlyGranny · 01/02/2020 17:36

Good grief, way to make it all about them, not the parents or the baby!

Easy solution, remind them you're just 12 weeks ATM, there's masses of time and tell them you'll let the child decide when s/he is old enough!

This is not the most interesting, appropriate or positive thing for you all to be talking about!

ShenanigansWake · 01/02/2020 17:37

My DS had 3 grannies as my mum and dad separated when I was still a teenager, and my dad remarried when I was in my late 20's - so she was never a stepmum as I was already a grown-up. When DS was born he had Granny K..... (my MIL), Granny N... (my dad's wife) and Nanna (my mum). My mum sadly died when DS was only 2 (though no-one else could ever become 'Nanna', that was her title alone) so he's lucky to still have two lovely grannies. It's not a big deal, just more people to love him to bits! These days, blended families are so commonplace that I don't see any point in trying to be too rigid.

Bowerbird5 · 01/02/2020 17:38

You might find that your child makes their own name up. My children called both granny’s Ma. My mum - Ma DH Ma surname and the two great grannies were Granny village she lived in and Granny first name as she was more child friendly. The men were Da and Grandad.

I think it is lovely that she is excited. My friend is a step granny to two of the family and she loves and treat them as the others. Too many on here complain about step grannies not treating children the same at Christmas so consider that children can never have enough people to love them and build a relationship with her.

BaronessBomburst · 01/02/2020 17:38

DS has the usual two grandmas, my DF's new partner, my grandma who is still alive and in his life, and my aunt, whom he also calls grandma because his cousins do.
That's five and he's never got confused.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 01/02/2020 17:38

My dads wife is a grandma to my children even though she isn’t my step mum. She lovely but the kids pick up that we call her by her first name while all the other grandparents are family. I think they treat her differently if I’m honest, they are a bit less close than with their ‘real’ grandparents.

PlopTeeth · 01/02/2020 17:39

My father wanted my step-mum to be called Nana but I said no from the outset. She was never a mum to me and and actually told people that if there had been any chance of me living with them, she would not have have married my father.

Your OH probably has a better relationship with his step-mum and I think it should ultimately be his decision. Tell them either way now though so that they can get used to the idea.

champagneandfromage50 · 01/02/2020 17:41

Its up to your DH tbh. He clearly isn't keen and is worried about his mum....let him lead on this

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