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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation with Father in laws wife

200 replies

Charchar19 · 01/02/2020 16:32

I am currently pregnant and we had our 12 week scan yesterday and all is well so we decided to go and tell our families this morning and show off the scan photos. My husbands parents are not together and he got re married about 5 years ago, he is very argumentative and treats my husband like a child and constantly dismisses him as stupid so we dont have the best relationship and see him and his wife maybe 3-4 times a year. I had already discussed with my OH what our child will call his wife however only briefly as we didn't think it would be mentioned already, whilst my OH thinks she's a lovely lady he doesn't see her as a step mum as he was in his mid twenties when they met and just haven't developed a relationship with her like that. OH was also concerned his mum would be upset if she was also called nanny and they have the same first name so could be confusing. Anyway today we went and told them straight away his dad's wife is like I'm going to be a granny Hmm a little while later his dad starts asking so can you confirm will there be 2 or 3 nans. My OH tried to change the subject but he kept speaking about it. Are we being unreasonable by thinking we won't call her nan or granny? The whole situation this morning was so full on and I wasn't expecting stuff like this to be brought up already! Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Delaneyblue · 01/02/2020 18:46

I called my Grandad's 2nd wife by her first name. I did think of her as one of my Grandmas though, as she always played this role in our lives. My parents called her by her first name, rather than Mum, so seemed logical I think for us to do the same. It didn't affect our relationship with her adversely.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 01/02/2020 18:48

It's not about your or your husband's relationship with her, it's about your children's. My adored grandfather wasn't a dad to my mum (she was a teenager when he met my grandmother) but he was absolutely my grandfather.

pollysproggle · 01/02/2020 18:48

I'm still close with my ex mother in law because she's DC1's grandma.
DC2 (no biological relation) calls her grandma too and she loves him like a grandson. My mum and DH's mum like to be called nanny. I don't think they feel like their toes are stepped on at all.
My dad has a girlfriend of 17+ years or so and she is no one to my kids really as we don't really see her (they don't live together and she has never made an effort).

It's up to you but I think it's nice. The more family involved and the more people that love your children the better I say.

1forsorrow · 01/02/2020 18:49

Congratulations OP, lovely news for you all. I have 4 kids, two with my husband, two from a previous marriage. When my first GC were born it was made plain that DH was not granddad, verging on rude really. However, my DH wasn't bothered, he loves kids, all kids, and he knew he'd love them if they called him bunny rabbit or jack the ripper. Time passed and we did lots of childcare, school started and we did pick ups, school holidays etc. The children have a very close relationship with DH, they loved their "real" grandfathers but for practical reasons they weren't as hands on, obviously didn't mean they didn't love them.

One day picking them up from school another child said something about, "your granddad" so a little later I said "Did Adam think DH was your granddad." Embarrassed little boy said, "Well that's what I call him." So adults can decide all sorts but kids tend to make up their own minds.

If she is a nice lady and she's excited about the baby that is good, shame her husband is a bit of an idiot but maybe she deserves a bit of pity not blame about that. If your baby sees her and loves her it won't matter what her title is. Your FIL is an idiot to make a big deal about it, shame he isn't a bit more like my DH, I'm not sure what is best to do about that one.

messolini9 · 01/02/2020 18:50

Can you not see the positive that a child can’t have too many many people who love it in their life?

Au contraire @JudgeRindersMinder.
A child can be loved by the wrong people. It happens all too frequently, & rather depends on what your personal definition of "love" is.

Speaking personally, I'd be distinctly disinclined to expose my offspring to the kind of "love" FiL subscribes to:
[FiL] is very argumentative and treats my husband like a child and constantly dismisses him as stupid so we dont have the best relationship

I'd say that was one "too many people who love it" in any child's life.

Were I in OP's situation, FiL wouldn't be having unsupervised contact with any child of mine, no matter what name he prefers his second wife to be called by said child. The whole name nonsense is a red herring & possibly even a boundary-test. But then, maybe I'm just as stupid as the DH, & ought to knuckle down to that fallacious old sacred cow, "love".

messolini9 · 01/02/2020 18:52

It's not complicated for children, they just accept family relationships as they come. It's adults that make it messy if they're determined to create hierachy or point-score. Choose better than that.

EXACTLY, @category12!

Meathmum · 01/02/2020 18:57

Your 12 weeks pregnant, i really wouldn't be getting so wound up over this. You have a long way to go yet! Seriously, you are overthinking this. Who cares what anyone is called, once your child is loved & supported and surrounded by family

1forsorrow · 01/02/2020 18:58

It is funny that people think 3 grandmothers will be confusing. I had 14 aunts and 14 uncles. Never confused me in the slightest.

BarbedBloom · 01/02/2020 18:58

My grandad wasn't biologically related to me but he was my grandad. He always supported me and loved me and even as a child I wouldn't be told to think of him any differently. I would wait and see what she is like before deciding. My blood grandma on the other side never bothered with me and wasn't interested at all. Sometimes children allow you to build relationships with people. Don't rule it out just yet

1forsorrow · 01/02/2020 18:59

Sorry, serious underestimate there, some of them were married so I think it was 24 aunts and 26 uncles. But I might have to check my maths.

FuzzyAtmosphere · 01/02/2020 19:04

It sounds like she has already suggested Granny for herself and your DH’s mum will be Nanny so I don’t see the problem with that. Although if they have the same name, your child will grow up with that being normal and it not being complicated to them at all - in the same way your FIL has had two wives with the same name but knows exactly which one is which and who is talking to or referring to.

OneHanded · 01/02/2020 19:06

We had my great grandads new wife as auntie such and such - he was a lovely legend and she was a cow though 😅

pipnchops · 01/02/2020 19:07

I get where you're coming from, my dad's wife is called by her first name by my DC. She is not their granny, nanny, grandmother, so why call her that? It would definitely upset my DM if her grandchildren called dad's wife granny. It isn't an issue calling her by her first name and my DC really like her.

pipnchops · 01/02/2020 19:08

Just to add, I would find it very pushy of my dad's wife or my dad to try and make us call her granny or whatever. That would really get my back up

1forsorrow · 01/02/2020 19:09

OP sounds like it would be a good idea for your husband to let her be mum and gran and dump his dad. Just a thought.

Alsohuman · 01/02/2020 19:11

You’re massively over complicating it. I have four step grandchildren. They all call me (my preferred) granny because their other grandmas chose various versions of nanny. It works fine for us, I accepted that the “real” grandmas got first choice, fortunately none of them wanted to be granny. Win/win. If any of them had wanted it I’d have become German and gone for ohma.

messolini9 · 01/02/2020 19:13

I wouldn’t want my child to be used as a weapon like this.

A woman who you and your husband has only met 15 -20 times will be called granny just to spite your husbands mum. No thank you.

Cracking post @Itwasntme1, plus ... Envy your succinct style. (YES, envy!)

INeedNewShoes · 01/02/2020 19:16

Just let the two ‘real’ grandmothers choose their names and then as long as FIL’s wife doesn’t try to use one of those it really doesn’t matter.

It’s a nice problem to have - another doting grandparent figure.

DD only has one set of grandparents which I think is a shame! Luckily there are a couple of other significant women who are very much grandma figures in DD’s life, though DD just calls them by their first names.

BrokenWing · 01/02/2020 19:25

Don't sweat the small stuff. Let her be what she wants to be nanny, nan, gran or whatever. If you end up with two wanting to be called nanny then you just have a nanny jones and a nanny smith.

If you don't see them that often it really wont matter.

San141 · 01/02/2020 19:39

Baby/child could call her grandma/granny/nan....then fil name. I.e granny Frank!
My kids have grandma then grandma (name) they see one all the time and the other is a few times a year.
Good luck xx

whatdoyouthinkyouknow · 01/02/2020 20:02

When I was growing up I had Gran, Nana, aunty nana (my nana's sister) and aunty gran (grandma's sister).

So much scope. An Aunty Grandma title makes it clear they are not a direct grandmother but still named as a grandmother.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 01/02/2020 20:04

the honour of being called granny

Jesus wept!

Littletabbyocelot · 01/02/2020 20:18

Our aim with our DC was not to expose them to the silly rifts and arguments we'd grown up with for as long as possible. There are a couple of people we chose not to keep in our lives and for the rest if they love my children then they are valued for that and there are no power games with titles. That includes my step mum who I only met in my twenties, when I'd moved far away. She is completely my dcs grandma and they love her to bits.

Her grandchildren felt the same way about my dad. My DC were too young when he died so I'm glad he got the grandad experience (the role he was born to play, dad was a bit intense) and I'm glad his stepchildren accepted him in that role.

Daftodil · 01/02/2020 20:19

All 3 might end up being called something else entirely. My mum ended up being called Gam. A friend's daughter calls her grandma "Gangly" and the grandad is called "Po-Po".

Itwasntme1 · 01/02/2020 20:24

In my family we only call actual family members mum, dad, granny auntie.

It would be a huge deal to call someone else granny, and the only time I can see it happening if someone was loved very much, and yes it would be an honour,

I am sorry if this makes your Jesus weep😂😂😂😂

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