Awkward situation with Father in laws wife

[Charchar19]

I am currently pregnant and we had our 12 week scan yesterday and all is well so we decided to go and tell our families this morning and show off the scan photos. My husbands parents are not together and he got re married about 5 years ago, he is very argumentative and treats my husband like a child and constantly dismisses him as stupid so we dont have the best relationship and see him and his wife maybe 3-4 times a year. I had already discussed with my OH what our child will call his wife however only briefly as we didn't think it would be mentioned already, whilst my OH thinks she's a lovely lady he doesn't see her as a step mum as he was in his mid twenties when they met and just haven't developed a relationship with her like that. OH was also concerned his mum would be upset if she was also called nanny and they have the same first name so could be confusing. Anyway today we went and told them straight away his dad's wife is like I'm going to be a granny a little while later his dad starts asking so can you confirm will there be 2 or 3 nans. My OH tried to change the subject but he kept speaking about it. Are we being unreasonable by thinking we won't call her nan or granny? The whole situation this morning was so full on and I wasn't expecting stuff like this to be brought up already! Has anyone else been in this situation?

Take as much love for your baby as you can get, if that means a title so be it. Surely making her granny won't hurt you but not making her granny will probably hurt them. Also, You might be surprised she might end up being more interested than the first granny (My experience). It's surprising how much people you never thought would take an interest are totally in love with your baby. I know your hubby hasn't known her his whole life but the wife will be in baby's life from birth so it's not quite the same thing to compare it to his relationship with her. We just said these two names are taken so cant be called that but what do you want to be called. It's nice to let her feel involved and if she wants to be a granny or whatever I'd let her, the more people you can ask for help or support the better. Congratulations btw!!! xxx

I’d be tempted with granny and “daddy’s dad”!

Someone who isn’t a blood relative, isn’t someone your DH considers to be a step mum, and who you only see three times a year should not be considered as a granny tbh. It’s not necessary if your dc is only going to see her such a minimal amount of times per year.

We never called my nans partner by anything other than his name, same for my grandfathers partner. My mum has been married to my stepdad for 25 years and my kids call him by his name.
Just tell him that you don't want them to call her nan/ grandma just her name. She can't expect to be grandma when she wasn't involved in your upbringing or anything, it's a bit weird to me.

I'd give her a different title. So if the biological Grandmothers want to be known as Grandma and Granny, she could be Nana/Nanny/Memore (or whatever!).

If your worried about her having the same first name then call her nana/gran/granny last name. That's pretty standard imo

I wouldn’t worry too much about it you will probably find it will sort itself out.

Whatever you're comfortable with really.

But fwiw, she'd be known as her first name if this was my situation.

Both grandad's partner of 10+ years and nanny's husband are known by their first names to my DC. I wouldn't count either as my step parent particularly as they didn't raise me and came along when I was an adult, but my DC love them both and they do occupy a sort of grandparent role, just a secondary one. For what it's worth, I had a very poor relationship with my dad til DD1 was born and we're now fairly close, she brought us closer together, perhaps it'll be the same for your DH.

My dad has been married to my step-mum since I was tiny. I've always called her 'Sue'. My kids call her 'Suzy' because it never occurred to me to call her anything other than 'Sue' (which has evolved over the years into 'Suzy'). She has a fabulous relationship with my children and is no less their grandmother than either of their bio grandmas.

My DM's husband whom she married when I was 30 gets called by his first name. It would feel odd to me to refer to him as a grandad. DS isn't bothered.

We actually called my only DGF by a completely non-grandady nickname.

It's the relationship that matters.

My MIL decided she had to be Nana, the title my own mum had already chosen from the moment I was pregnant. MIL had said right up until my DS was born she would be Nanny. I wasnt happy at first about them both using the same name. But my mum is Nana and Mil is Nana followed by abbreviation of here name. My DS is nearly 4 now and it doesn't cause any confusion.

My DH step mum on the other hand made it clear on a number of occasions that my DS was her husbands grandchild not hers so doesn't have a title.

My children's "step" grandma gets called "nana" then her name -e.g. Nanna Sue. Win win!

The key here is that she wasn't a mother figure to your DP, he was already grown by then so it wasn't a step-parent situation and therefore not a grandparent situation. Nor by association.

It should be grandxxx and Sue or whatever her name is imo

Our DC call MIL’s partner by his first name. So Nanny & xxxx.

She tried to force a cutesy nickname for him but we never use it, neither do the other GC’s.

He always posts icky comments on our photos on Facebook though so I’m not not encouraging a close relationship anyway.

I tend to think that the more loving family around for a baby, the better. I don't think having three grandmothers is confusing in itself, though it could become so when you potentially have two 'Nanny Susans' . If the grandmothers have different preferences - Nannie, Gran, etc, then it's not a problem. If your MIL and step MIL have the same preference, why not have Nannie for her and Nanny < grandfather first name > for step MIL? In any case, as the child grows up and begins to speak, he/she will no doubt have their own name for each of his grandmothers and there will be no problems.

I'm slightly surprised by the comments here that suggest that the lack of blood relationship and infrequent visits means that people can't be real grandparents.

I didn't have step grandparents when I grew up but I had lots of uncles and aunts. I knew which of my aunts and uncles were were my parents' brothers and sisters, and which were their husbands and wives. But I called all the men 'Uncle x' and all the women 'Auntie Y' whether they were my blood relatives or not and didn't think any less of them because they weren't 'real' aunts or uncles.

Surely a step grandparent is just the same. They are married to a grandparent and will play the role of grandparent even if they are not a blood relative themselves.

The frequency of visits is also odd. My children's three sets of grandparents all lived 2.5 hours away from us (all in different directions). I don't suppose we saw any of them more than 4 times a year. It didn't stop my children forming loving relationships with them.

If your partner feels strongly about this he needs to own it, and the consequences associated with saying he doesn't wish her to be known as whatever.

For me, I would really not be that fussed, would just say sure, she can be known as nanny, but I'm not your husband.

We had this kind of issue of a inserted grandad. He was nothing to me and as it turns out not thing to my children. However the cards still come love grt grandma and grt grandad. Some people just cannot respect your choices.

it’s an odd one. Very few step partners will insist on being called mum or dad, and there would be a tidal wave of disapproval if they did.

Yet Apparently some think nothing or christening themselves granny or grandpa without any consultation. I don’t know any step grandparents who have done this - but apparently they are out there,

I think it’s lovely she wants to be so involved and wouldn’t deny your child another grandparent. But it’s up to you both and it was a bit early for them to be trying to have that conversation

It depends on dynamics I think when I was pregnant with my 1st, MIL was shacked up with a married man. We all knew it was going to go sideways. She insisted he was called grandad. We didn't see them often so kind of let it go ahead. They stayed together for 2year after dd was born, she loved her grandad Bob. Then Bob went back to his wife and never spoke to us again. My dd asked for grandad Bob all the time. Eventually she forgot. Mil then got with another guy and tried to intro him as "grandad Jack" we said no. He is Jack. They split up within 6 months. This pattern went on. (I think about 3 or 4 men) the she met and married John. She kept pushing the grandad John on now both of my children. As they were married we allowed it. She also introduces his children as aunt and uncle. They were together all of 18 months (from meeting, getting married and splitting up) my eldest dd didn't care but my youngest dd who has GAD and separation anxiety took it badly. As Grandad John won't even look at us if he passes in the street!
My dad was the same. He had been with a woman for 8 years by the time I had 1st dd. She was a lot younger than him (,closer to my age) he wanted her to be a nan/nanna no-one was happy about this, she wasn't "old" enough for the title. And my dm on whom he cheated on with this younger woman was less than impressed. Eventually we settled on a "cutesy" name with an aunt prefix. I am glad. She cheated on him and they split up by the time dd1 was 5 and ds2 was 2. Again she walked out of our lives and never looked back. I broke ds1s heart as they were actually very close. "aunty" was her favorite. We see her every now and then, again she won't even say hello to the kids. It breaks my heart.
Don't get me wrong even "real" grandparents can split up and go distant but they are still blood. There is still a bond. A person "married in" can turn their backs more easily.

My DGD has three Grandads who she loves very much and all love her.
A child can never have too many people to love them.

@CynthiaRothrock you are absolutely captured one of my issues with handing out these titles.

It’s heartbreaking for your children, they see other kids whose grandparents are a constant, yet theirs walked away without a second glance. Kids don’t understand it’s a fake title, and these men weren’t really their grandfather.

Slightly different I know, but my nephews aunty (by marriage) divorced his uncle and he hasn’t seen her since (They were only married two years, from my nephew was three until he was five). He and I are really really close and for a year afterwards he kept asking me if I would always be his aunty. He is older now and understands. He didn’t even. Really like this aunty, but it really shook him that a family member would walk away.

It was never in doubt that my FILs OH was going to be known as Gran. That’s the role she plays to the kids, regardless of the fact she didn’t bring up DH as a SM. That’s a separate relationship.
I don’t think young kids get too hung up on biology. Everyone had aunties and uncles growing up who weren’t strictly the biological siblings of their parents, didn’t they? I remember my mind was blown when I was about 5 and I “discovered” that my adored Gran was actually my Mummy’s Mummy! I’d just never thought about it before.

You only get one Mum and Dad but everyone else you get as many as you are lucky to have IMO. In DSDs case she has X2 bio GMs, step DGM through FIL and has also been known to call my mum Gran occasionally and if she decides to call her Gran then that’s fine too. Also lucky enough to still have a great grandmother alive and kicking. All known as Gran First Name, zero confusion, happy child, it’s all good.