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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation with Father in laws wife

200 replies

Charchar19 · 01/02/2020 16:32

I am currently pregnant and we had our 12 week scan yesterday and all is well so we decided to go and tell our families this morning and show off the scan photos. My husbands parents are not together and he got re married about 5 years ago, he is very argumentative and treats my husband like a child and constantly dismisses him as stupid so we dont have the best relationship and see him and his wife maybe 3-4 times a year. I had already discussed with my OH what our child will call his wife however only briefly as we didn't think it would be mentioned already, whilst my OH thinks she's a lovely lady he doesn't see her as a step mum as he was in his mid twenties when they met and just haven't developed a relationship with her like that. OH was also concerned his mum would be upset if she was also called nanny and they have the same first name so could be confusing. Anyway today we went and told them straight away his dad's wife is like I'm going to be a granny Hmm a little while later his dad starts asking so can you confirm will there be 2 or 3 nans. My OH tried to change the subject but he kept speaking about it. Are we being unreasonable by thinking we won't call her nan or granny? The whole situation this morning was so full on and I wasn't expecting stuff like this to be brought up already! Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Sally872 · 01/02/2020 17:00

If the step mum is nice I wouldn't say anything directly. She may just be stating that she considers the child like a grandchild. And tbh she prob will have same relationship to baby as grandfather.

When the baby is born just call her by her name and it will set the tone. "Awwww are you going to Susan For a cuddle, baby always seems so settled with you Susan" or some other compliment to take the edge off.

CurbsideProphet · 01/02/2020 17:01

Does she have children of her own? If she's only been in your lives for 5 years (plus you only see her every 12 weeks or so) it seems odd that she believes that she is automatically granny. Does it need to be an argument this early on in your pregnancy if you see them so infrequently?

Teafield · 01/02/2020 17:03

I wish my step mother in law wanted to be a granny to my daughter. She's usually rude and unwelcoming.

Dollywilde · 01/02/2020 17:05

My dad barely knew his step dad, he was married himself by the time step dad came on the scene and living 100 miles away.

I knew dad’s stepdad as Grandad in addition to Gramps and Grandpa (my bio grandparents). As others have said, she’s in baby’s life from day 1, and while she doesn’t mean much to your DH, her relationship with the child is separate to that.

I’m not against revoking grandparent names for step parents who are new on the scene or have been abusive etc but in the absence of that it seems a bit churlish to refuse her it.

Cyborgfeminist · 01/02/2020 17:05

I felt a bit like this when I was pregnant, as I’m not my step-mum’s biggest fan. But ultimately I decided it probably wasn’t worth upsetting her and my dad, especially as I have a niece (who’s older than my DC) and who calls her ‘Nanny’. If we’d insisted that our DC called my step-mum by her first name, it would have been even more obvious. Ultimately, your DC will have the relationship that they have with your stepMIL, regardless of what s/he calls her

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 01/02/2020 17:06

Your child is likely to have a grandparent relationship with her. She will be there from day 1, so will be a grandparent (whatever her name is) to your child. I would encourage your DH to allow it. Call her a slightly more unusual grandparent name. Loads of suggestions if you Google it.

JudgeRindersMinder · 01/02/2020 17:08

Can you not see the positive that a child can’t have too many many people who love it in their life?

Original poster
Charchar19 · 01/02/2020 17:08

Just to add the few times a year I see her she is lovely and I have zero issue with her. I think I'm overthinking it more because my OH was had said he didn't want her to be "Nanny" so to have his dad go on about the 3 nannys felt a bit awkward and he was quite pushy with it. We didn't say anything negative and changed the subject just need time to think of maybe some alternatives that my OH would be more comfortable with if anyone has any ideas? Also doesn't help that his mum has the same surname too as well as the same first name!

OP posts:
RuthW · 01/02/2020 17:09

The child has three grandmothers.

sirmione16 · 01/02/2020 17:10

My nephew has named his grandparents each after the food they treat him to. Grandad ice lolly and grandad Swiss roll love it

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/02/2020 17:11

I think it's lovely she's excited and wants to be involved, grandchildren can be massively healing in relationships. Anyway, my feeling is the more that love and nurturing that a child has better. This child will know her from birth. If she shows your baby love they will love her back.

Redkatagain · 01/02/2020 17:11

I'm a step mum to an 11 year old. We have a brilliant relationship and she has decided that as I'm going to be known as Nanny Evil... As in my do not evil stepmom.

I love the name Nanny Evil. I'm gonna be anything but!!!!!

ImportantWater · 01/02/2020 17:11

maybe some alternatives that my OH would be more comfortable with if anyone has any ideas

I can see it is hard that they have the same first and second names so can't be Nanny Gwen and Nanny Mary, or Nanny Smith and Nanny Jones. But there are loads and loads of different names for grandmothers. Nana, gran, granny, grandma - can your DH's mum be nanny and she can be gran for example?

category12 · 01/02/2020 17:12

My kids had 6 grandparents because of re-marriages. They all got the title whether blood-related or not. It's not complicated for children, they just accept family relationships as they come. It's adults that make it messy if they're determined to create hierachy or point-score. Choose better than that.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 01/02/2020 17:12

You only see them 3-4 times a year.

Unless you're facetiming them weekly or something they're unlikely to even be on your child's radar until your child is age 5+.

Let your DH mum have first choice of granny/nanna/whatever she wants, and FIL wife can be a different one.

My mum is nanna, DH mum is grandma, my Nan is nannie to my DS.

MummyGoingItAlone · 01/02/2020 17:12

I think you are thinking far too much into this.

My niece has 4 grandmas. Her maternal grandma is Nannie. She then had her paternal grandma (sister was widowed) another grandma who is her second husbands mum (And had another child in this relationship) and now her third husband. It wouldn’t be so complicated but all 3 are called Julie! So she has Nannie and 3 grandma Julies! 🤣

SusieOwl4 · 01/02/2020 17:12

I have heard of nanny then name of pet ? Think nanny poppy or something similar

Nanny seaside if they live near coast ?

Grandma instead of nanny ?

SusieOwl4 · 01/02/2020 17:13

Love nanny evil (:

ElinoristhenewEnid · 01/02/2020 17:14

I am known as 'Elinor' to my step dcs, gdcs and ggdcs - I have never looked for or presumed to have a title. Has worked well for over 30 years!

CoffeeCoinneseur · 01/02/2020 17:15

I have heard of nanny then name of pet ? Think nanny poppy or something similar

My Nan is Nannie Egg to DS (who is now age 16) because every time we visited she made him egg in a cup Grin

northernlittledonkey · 01/02/2020 17:15

My step dad is just Grandad, he's brilliant with my DCs they think of him as just another grandparent ( possibly their favourite but that's another story!).

Let her be involved as much as she wants to be and you find appropriate, grandchildren are a great leveller!

UndertheCedartree · 01/02/2020 17:15

I think it's nice she was excited and wants to be involved and as others say a child can't have too many people who love them. But your FIL was very rude. However I think it would be more confusing to call FIL 'Grandpa' and his wife 'Aunty' etc. She will have a grandparent role in the DC's life so just get the other Grannys to choose a name first and your FIL's wife can have another name.

BeardieWeirdie · 01/02/2020 17:16

My MIL -became the other woman- met her now (creepy) husband when my husband was 29. They have no relationship and Dave is in no way a father figure to my husband. When our daughter arrived we received a congratulations card signed Nanny and Grandad - MIL was told that her partner was not granddad. I’m sure she cares far more about this than Dave did, regardless, it’s never been mentioned since and our daughter just calls him Dave.

LakieLady · 01/02/2020 17:19

DP's DGD just calls me by my name. I'm not her gran/nana/nanny and would hate to be called by a granny name. Her grandmothers are Nanna and Grandma and I'm Lakie.

Sometimes she sticks "nana" in front of my name though. I let her off. She's only 4, after all.

lindtfree · 01/02/2020 17:19

We have similar except my mother died and father remarried. So my mother was Grandma, stepmother is Grandma Julie. You've got to think about it from the POV of your children not of you or of your stepMIL.