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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Awkward situation with Father in laws wife

200 replies

Charchar19 · 01/02/2020 16:32

I am currently pregnant and we had our 12 week scan yesterday and all is well so we decided to go and tell our families this morning and show off the scan photos. My husbands parents are not together and he got re married about 5 years ago, he is very argumentative and treats my husband like a child and constantly dismisses him as stupid so we dont have the best relationship and see him and his wife maybe 3-4 times a year. I had already discussed with my OH what our child will call his wife however only briefly as we didn't think it would be mentioned already, whilst my OH thinks she's a lovely lady he doesn't see her as a step mum as he was in his mid twenties when they met and just haven't developed a relationship with her like that. OH was also concerned his mum would be upset if she was also called nanny and they have the same first name so could be confusing. Anyway today we went and told them straight away his dad's wife is like I'm going to be a granny a little while later his dad starts asking so can you confirm will there be 2 or 3 nans. My OH tried to change the subject but he kept speaking about it. Are we being unreasonable by thinking we won't call her nan or granny? The whole situation this morning was so full on and I wasn't expecting stuff like this to be brought up already! Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

Redwinestillfine · 01/02/2020 17:42

Your mum and mil definitely get first dibs on the names. Step mum can be her name then whatever you think.

Lunafortheloveogod · 01/02/2020 17:43

Does it really matter what a baby calls her?
3 grans isn’t confusing.. great grans just get gran from us. If she was childless before fil this might be a really happy moment she’s had to accept she wouldn’t get before hand.

I called my gran granny wrinkly.. she loved it.. other gran by her name (nan well she was nanny nan) and my cousins don’t call their gran gran either.. so maybe a middle ground of a gran title but something..

The 3/4 times a year might really ramp up too.. seriously I’ve never seen so much of my own family till I had a baby. They’re bloody everywhere

TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig · 01/02/2020 17:45

My grandparents are divorced and remarried and we just called them Grandad and Granny Town-they-lived-in - they all lived in different towns which made it easier. Even when one set moved we kept to the old town. There was no way my dad thought of his parents new spouses as his step parents- he was mid twenties when there was an very nasty divorce and both parents quickly married family friends at least one set were shagging beforehand but they were our grandparents.

Original poster

Charchar19 · 01/02/2020 17:46

Thanks for all the ideas and different perspectives. We probably won't see them again until early summer so some time to think I may suggest we speak to her alone to find out how she is feeling and any ideas as I think FIL will always want her to be called whatever my OH mums called just to spite her (obviously the fact they have the same first name and surname doesn't help!) I do like the idea of a cute nickname and then the little one calling her whatever they decide.

OP posts:

Spacey306 · 01/02/2020 17:46

I always called my grandads wives "nana Lilly" and "nana Brenda". My mum and dad's dad's had both remarried. But just nana to my mum's mum and dad's mum.

SonEtLumiere · 01/02/2020 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nowlook · 01/02/2020 17:48

Similar situation over here (though a while ago). There's loads of names, just give the two actual grandmothers first dibs. We had granny (DM); grandma (MIL) and nanna (FIL's wife).

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 01/02/2020 17:51

what’s the need to make an issue where there is none, your child is not ye there, you have no clue what your relationship would be like once that you are too busy to meet with anyone while your baby is young, and children have their own minds, my father spent ages finding a right way to be called by first grandchild as he didn’t want to be grandpa... totally futile exercise, the girl grew up to call him Dodo.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 01/02/2020 17:52

...and he melts every time he hears it!

HyacynthBucket · 01/02/2020 17:54

My mother did not want to be called Gran or Granny or Nan or any such name by her grandchildren, so was always called by her first name by the children. It worked fine. As the parents, you are the ones who will tell your child what the relatives' names are, so relax - it should be down to you.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 01/02/2020 17:58

My mum died. My dad remarried after I left home but my stepmum is still "Granny" to my child because that is the relationship they have - children don't know that actually, I was 19 when my father remarried and this is how I felt at 19 - they just know that Granny is the older lady married to Grandpa.

I fail to see how any child is 'confused' by having an extra person to love them anyway.

nowlook · 01/02/2020 18:00

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas

Oh, that's cute!

The broader point you make is spot on. DC tend to find their own way of acknowledging the kind of relationship they have once they find their voice. Grandparents earn their nicknames (good or bad) over the years!

GreenTulips · 01/02/2020 18:00

My mum is Nanny and DH mother wanted to be called grandma - but the kids still called her Nanny.

My mothers husband is grandad - they married when I was mid 20’s he’s my sisters dad and the kids know there’s no blood line - but he’s really good to them and has always been there. He deserves the title.

Nobody asked. It wasn’t discussed. They do it naturally.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 01/02/2020 18:01

I'd just say the baby will call them whatthe make up as kids do! My dads partner gets called my her name. My mum's parter gets called something my son made up and has stuck!

EmbarrassedMum1 · 01/02/2020 18:02

YANBU, my mum got a new partner a few years ago (I was also mid 20s) and he is called by his name by my son.

On the other hand DHs mum met her husband when my DH was 12/13 and our son calls him grandad (DH doesn't know his bio dad)

It's totally what you and your OH are comfortable with, she doesn't get a say in it.

WingingIt101 · 01/02/2020 18:03

I had this - my mums parents split up about a year before I was born, with my grandfather ultimately remarrying the other woman who he cheated on my Nan with so plenty of bitterness there!! My Nan also met and remarried years later. As a result we had (names changed!!) “nanny and Fred” and “grandad and Joan” I don’t know how it was discussed or decided but we only ever knew them by their names.

Incidentally Joan could not have given less of a crap about us (and years later when my cousins and I were in our 20s and her own children had her first biological grandchildren she declared loudly at a family lunch that “bill is so chuffed to finally be a grandad!!” (Hmmm not to worry about the 7 of us grandchildren that exist already!!) whilst Fred was the most grandfatherly figure you could wish for and we were all just as devastated when he passed away as we would have been if he were our biological grandad.

The names didn’t matter to us as grandkids. It was how they treated us that we noticed and remembered!
Sorry that doesn’t answer your question of how to decide or have the conversation but I think if you and your oh feel you don’t want her called a traditional granny term then just say clearly “Jane and Mary will be nanny/granny so we will call you by your first name. We hope that you’ll all have lovely close relationships with the baby as we want it to love the time it spends with grandpa and Sarah!”

Irishgene · 01/02/2020 18:05

We have a Granny, Grandma and Nanna....not too confusing.

How would you feel if she didn't want anything to do with your baby? I think it's nice that she's excited....even of FIL isn't very nice. Xx

NomDeDieu · 01/02/2020 18:05

Your DH may not see her as his step mother (fair enough) but that's because he was much older when she married his dad.

That won't be the case for the baby, as she'll be in its life from birth.

I was the child in that situation. Down to my grand father treating my dad like a child, being a pain so we didnt see them often.
Yes they were both part of the family. But I never saw his wife (or the husband of my dad's mum) as my grand parents. Ever.

Ellie56 · 01/02/2020 18:06

She could be called Gary. If it's good enough for Prince William and the Queen it's good enough for her.

Whatnametoday5 · 01/02/2020 18:08

We have Big nanny, little nanny , nanny D, nanna s, grandma surname, one they just call by Grandad Mary (my step mum but was far to young to be a nanny lol) & Grandad (Mums Dad and Dads Dad) and a grandpa

great grandparents still alive and 2nd marriages - kids really don’t notice they will form strong relationships with the ones that are the most involved in their lives.

Itwasntme1 · 01/02/2020 18:09

I wouldn’t want my child to be used as a weapon like this.

A woman who you and your husband has only met 15 -20 times will be called granny just to spite your husbands mum. No thank you.

Silenceofthebams · 01/02/2020 18:09

You only see them 3-4 times a year. Don’t make it into a big deal.

NomDeDieu · 01/02/2020 18:09

@WingingIt101, same here.
We used the first name of the partner.

I dnt think the nam makes a difference on how you will be seen by the children. It is all dependent how said partner will treat the grand children.

The issue here is that the stepmother is clearly pushing hard to be considered in a certain way, regardless of whether the perosn involved feel like it (to be gran to her dh grandchildren). The issue is the fact she is pushing the issue and seems to be using the (still unborn) child to score points against the previous wife (will I be treated the same etc...)

LaReinedOrange · 01/02/2020 18:09

If you and DH dont know her too well then you don't need to include her in your baby's life in that way. She won't really be a grandmother.

BertieDrapper · 01/02/2020 18:11

I totally get it... my dad has been with his partner for 20 years, they never married. But I'm Not particularly close to her. The families were always kept very separate, separate holidays, only really had days out with dad on our own... this was cause SHE wanted time with kids- fair enough.
But when my DD was born I found the idea of her being "nanny" very uncomfortable as we just didn't have that kind of relationship.
So totally get it.
Thankfully we very rarely see them, so the situation is easily avoided. My DD sometimes refers to her as "nanny first name" but most of the time barely remembers she exists to be honest ....

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