To leave him to cry 😢

[cadburyegg]

DS2 was one of those awesome babies who slept through from 10 weeks but by the time he was 1 it all went to pot. Before Christmas he was spending the night in our bed every night and we were taking turns to sleep on the sofa as he would only go to sleep if he could take up 3/4 of the bed. For a couple of weeks after Christmas we took it in turns to sleep in his room, but neither of us can sleep well on the air bed so we were still sleep deprived. We have been trying to get out of his room the last few weeks but even when he settles down to sleep (which can take a long time) he wakes as soon as we leave the room.

He is now 22 months and we are doing gradual retreat now but it’s not really working as he just hurls everything out of his cot for attention. I have even left him to cry a few times but he screams for ages. So tonight he woke at 11 and is still wide awake, he’ll probably be awake for another hour then wake up again at 4 and the process starts again. We don’t put him down for a nap anymore during the day anymore but he does go to sleep in the car or pushchair. DH and I do take it in turns to get up with him.

I don’t know what to do and I’m at my wits end, AIBU to leave him to cry tonight?! We are so exhausted.

He's still tiny and he needs you. I never left my dd to cry. She was a terrible sleeper. I was exhausted. Now aged 5 she still wants to spend some nights in our bed. It's natural for kids to want to sleep close to their parents

It would be better to follow a technique than to just abandon him to cry - ie just leave him to cry without any kind of plan for going back in. I had a reasonable sleeper and then a non-sleeper - he slept great when in with me though so gave in and did that.
Does he want milk?
He seems awfully young to have no nap, and there is a chance that napping could actually help with night sleep though I'm sure you've thought of that.

I don’t really want to get into the habit of giving him milk at night again, he does have a cup of water in his cot though.

Napping means he doesn’t go down until quite late. Today he woke up for the day at 6.30, he had an hour’s sleep in the car and went to sleep at 9. If he doesn’t nap at all it’s more like 8

With dd1 I did (at 13 months):
Go in when she wakes and shush, pat, put down, leave (no feeds). Then when the crying starts again, go back in 1 minute and repeat. Then 2 minutes, And so on, adding a minute each time. The first night took 1hr 40 of crying before she settled back to sleep. The second night took 45 mins. The third night 17 mins, and then she slept through every night since then - now 4.5 and in reception and is the most happy, v.well attached and secure/confident little thing, has shown literally no adverse affects and we are all (her included) better for a full night’s sleep every night.

Currently sitting here with 9 week old non-sleeping dd2 thinking fondly of those days...

PLEASE read the book Why Your Baby’s Sleep Matters’ by Sarah oxlade Smith, you will find it very helpful. Babies cry for a reason.

Will he sleep in your bed? I know it might not be what you want but you need sleep x

Mine is a couple of months older than yours and doesn’t sleep either. I would never leave him to cry though. He’s still little and wants his mum. In an evolutionary sense a baby who didn’t stick to his mum and cry if he was left alone would be a dead baby. It’s natural to want to be close to parents.

The only advice I can offer is to give up. Accept you won’t be sleeping. Cancel everything. Nap during the day. Go to bed early and sleep with him. You just have to ride it out. A note of caution: if he can stand up in his cot he really shouldn’t be in it. Trying to get out can be dangerous. My nephew flopped down in his cot from a standing position, hit his face on the side and knocked out both of his front teeth.

I don’t understand how a standing baby shouldn’t be in a cot?? They can pull to stand as early as 6/7 months; so what do you do then?

Babies need to be with their mums, one of mine happily slept on his own, but my eldest would not settle without me, I could never have left him to cry, it's so sterile. He slept with us until he was ready.
I remember waking up in the night being frightened as a a baby, I remember being in my cot .

This isn’t controlled crying. In controlled crying you need to intervene in clearly set out ways the same way each time, then leave every time. It doesn’t matter how often. You should just stick it out because what you’re currently doing is going to harm him big time by giving a negative association to sleep.

He’s only two and not having any sleep during the day?? Maybe that’s your problem. He’s probably exhausted and overtired and can’t sleep.

The lack of daytime nap stands out to me. Could his evening fussiness be linked to being overtired due to not having a nap during the day? Most babies need a proper nap even if they'll just about survive without it.

:(

I co sleep and ebf, similar age. Why would you leave the poor sod to cry? Why is there no nap?

Yes YABVFU

He doesn’t want to sleep alone and you can’t sleep. I’d be exploring ways to be next to one another. Is it safe to put a mattress on the floor and your ds on the floor / a couple of big blankets next to you?

I Reallu believe that children will do it when they are ready. I went through hell with ds. We did sleep training at 11months and 20 months (with a sleep consultant) and it just didnt work.
Then at 2.5 he slept through in his own room and still does. It was like HE needed to be ready and it just happened with no effort from our side.

He needs to nap. He's overtired.

Would you consider getting him a proper bed (with a bed guard)?

He could choose the duvet cover and a new teddy

We did this with ds2 who suddenly hated his cot at about 20 months. It worked really well for us.

Good luck

YABU.

I co slept with DS at that age. Granted it was easier for me as I am a single mum but it made life so much easier.

I know sleep deprivation is hard but I never get why people are so keen to get children sleeping independently at such a young age. It's only western countries that do this, co sleeping at that age is very common in other parts of the world.

Yes I would leave him to cry.
It's pretty much considered infanticide by many on here, but I would crack on with it regardless.

My ds is 4.3y, still doesn't sleep through the night, but I'd still never leave him to cry.

Just bring his bed into your room. Then he's with you without taking up the bed.

Then if he wakes up you can be quite firm saying go back to sleep.

Also lots of running around in the day. Playgroups but also naps. Something stodgy to eat before bed too.

It's so hard when you're not getting enough sleep! Sounds like you need to re-evaluate your sleeping arrangements though. Get a proper bed, not an air bed. You could put a double bed in his room either a mattress on the floor or a low bed he can easily get off himself.

My son is and a half and still sleeps in with us. We have a super king size bed (and I have a bed guard on my side).

It's tough but I really wouldn't leave him to cry

*2 and a half

Morning OP

I would think he is overtired. I’m a childminder of 10+ yrs, and whilst it’s not impossible that 22mnth old won’t nap, it’s not typical. I would try give him an hour at most (or at least make sure he is up by 2pm). I would try get him into a routine. Also what Does he eat like?
My children eat at 5pm but then need a snack about 6.15, fruit or yoghurt, and the youngest then has a 7oz bottle of milk.
Also how calm is the house on the build up to bedtime? It’s worth looking at cutting out screen time, including tv. Making sure it’s shut off an hour before bed.
Bath time about 6.45, story at 7.10, say goodnight at 7.30.
He is also of an age that he would understand the GroClock
www.amazon.co.uk/Gro-Company-Gro-Clock-Sleep-Trainer/dp/B002APJCNE/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=gro+clock&sprefix=gro&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1580540631&sr=8-3

My biggest advice, don’t get anxious/stressed, you can do this. There may be some tears, but I would just shut the door and leave, without addressing some of the above first

Hi OP, we also have a 22 month old and I could have written what you have said myself tbh. Last week we decided enough was enough and moved our little one to a bed, it's been a week of getting up and down a little but not half as much as before and last night I'm thrilled to say she slept through in her own bed!! Do you think that this would possibly work for you? We have quite an independent little lady and we thought she was getting annoyed at being confined, not sure if we are right or wrong it's probably just coincidence tbh as who ever knows what's right to do haha. Just thought I would share incase this is an option for you xx