To leave him to cry 😢

[cadburyegg]

DS2 was one of those awesome babies who slept through from 10 weeks but by the time he was 1 it all went to pot. Before Christmas he was spending the night in our bed every night and we were taking turns to sleep on the sofa as he would only go to sleep if he could take up 3/4 of the bed. For a couple of weeks after Christmas we took it in turns to sleep in his room, but neither of us can sleep well on the air bed so we were still sleep deprived. We have been trying to get out of his room the last few weeks but even when he settles down to sleep (which can take a long time) he wakes as soon as we leave the room.

He is now 22 months and we are doing gradual retreat now but it’s not really working as he just hurls everything out of his cot for attention. I have even left him to cry a few times but he screams for ages. So tonight he woke at 11 and is still wide awake, he’ll probably be awake for another hour then wake up again at 4 and the process starts again. We don’t put him down for a nap anymore during the day anymore but he does go to sleep in the car or pushchair. DH and I do take it in turns to get up with him.

I don’t know what to do and I’m at my wits end, AIBU to leave him to cry tonight?! We are so exhausted.

Yes a nap affects bed time at that age. But so what? Is it that bad if he has to stay up later? Mine used to go to bed at 9 or 9.30 after the nap then bedtime gradually became earlier again when the nap went.
I'm all about maximising sleep in whatever way gets everybody the most sleep. Could you move his cot into your room? He might be comforted by being in your room but not in your bed disturbing you. Or could u put a single bed in his room beside his?

It took a few days of us taking turns outside DDs room either singing or constantly sshhhhh-ing before she learnt to sleep in her own bed again.

It was the same age as your DC and prior to this she was an excellent sleeper.

It worked perfectly in the end. You have to do what is right for you. She went back to being an excellent sleeper and no problems since.

Get in touch with your HV OP. They might be able to give support and advice on how to tackle to sleeping issue. YANBU for leaving him to cry but it sounds like it isn't getting you anywhere.

This is not a tiny baby, this is a very nearly 2 year old. I will never get over the amount of people on here prepared to ruin their sleep and wellbeing for years. It's not cruel to sleep train (properly). It doesn't take long, they don't remember it and EVERYONE will be happier in the long run. Get him back napping during the day too. Good luck

I wouldn't just leave him to cry indefinitely. Have a plan that includes going back to him at certain points.

I agree with the PP who said he is overtired. He's way too young to have no day time nap. Even 3 year olds usually still have a day time nap! Just because he goes into his cot kicking and screaming at nap time doesn't mean he's not tired. My DC fights her naps like nobody's business but if she misses them she's a shit sleeper at night.

Do some research on sleep and come up with a plan for how you will deal with this. I don't believe there is a right or wrong method. Every child is different so it my be a case of trial and error.

You have my sympathy op. I had a terrible sleeper and understand how difficult it is when you're so sleep deprived for so long. Hang in there.

Shh pat, gradual retreat etc never worked on DC1. People like to claim if they don't work it's not being done properly but believe me I did it by the book. Did not work.

Buy a proper bed or beds so you can bed share comfortably. We have 2 doubles and use the sofa. It's a good investment in your sanity. Ikea have a fabulous mattress with springs and then memory foam on top. Excellent for bedsharing as fidgeting doesn't bounce the other person around.

I will never get over the amount of people on here prepared to ruin their sleep and wellbeing for years. It's not cruel to sleep train (properly).

I agree. Parents need to do what is best for their children, not just what their children want them to do. Caving at every turn just because your child cries is very poor parenting. Proper sleep is crucial for development. It's ridiculous to deprive your child of that sleep just because they get upset in the moment.

Nothing new to add except to agree that adding a nap back in may help as he sounds overtired and all that cortisone and adrenaline running around his body will cause the tantrums / inability to sleep. There is a genuine biological reason to why “overtired” is a thing. Suggest having a little read about it to understand how it works.

You should aim to have a nap in the middle of the day, it might take a while to find the connection because as you say he will stay awake later if you give him a nap but after a few days you should find a routine which works. Waking him up by 2.30 for example.

My 18mth old will still have 2/3 hours during the day and on the days he has less nap time his sleep is more unsettled, when we’re out and he doesn’t get a proper nap then he will always be up earlier the next day for example. It’s not true that they will sleep more because they’re tired, it’s actually counterproductive to limit sleep during the day to ensure more on the night

@IHeartKingThistle they may not consciously remember it but at that age kids are making sense if the world, and live in an ego centric bubble. Therefore they think / believe they have control over things. Leaving a toddler to cry without response, may leave them with a sense of they aren’t cared for , not worthy of attention. I’m not saying this always happens but it needs caution and sensitivity to how children make sense of others behaviour at different ages/ stages.

Children need sleep but I don't think the way is leaving them to cry. Sometimes co sleeping is the way. Sometimes staying in their room with them is the way. Sometimes going in every couple of minutes until they settle is the way. But leaving them to cry just teaches them nobody is coming no matter how much they cry so they give up. How sad is that?!

Also, I don't know many adults who sleep through yet we expect it of babies and children! Many people get up for the toilet or a drink or just because their body/mind has woken up!

This is not a tiny baby, this is a very nearly 2 year old. I will never get over the amount of people on here prepared to ruin their sleep and wellbeing for years. It's not cruel to sleep train (properly). It doesn't take long, they don't remember it and EVERYONE will be happier in the long run. Get him back napping during the day too.*

This. We did timed controlled crying (going back in every 2 mins, then 4 etc) with DD when she was younger than this (10 months) and it was one of the best parenting choices we've made. I'm counting down the months until I can do the same with baby DS.

@Superduper13 I never said leave him to cry without response, I said sleep train properly.

I am an advocate for sleep training and wouldnt hesitate to do cc if I felt ig would make a difference.

However I agree with the majority on here that the (lack) of daytime sleeping is having an impact.

Can you afford a sleep consultant? I think that would be very helpful in this situation.

@RubaiyatOfAnyone this is exactly what we did. It worked a treat. Our daughter never got in our bed. @Chocolatedaim I couldn’t agree more. It’s all about the routine.

How many naps a day, how long and how long before sleep time? It may be as simple as him being not tired or been massively over tired.

I think at 2 he is old enough to understand some basic things he may not like but that he has to accept. You can start by saying, you will wait for him to fall asleep but you will go to your bed when he is sleep and progress from that.

An exhausted parent is not a good parent, spouse or employee, You and your OH’s sleep are very important as well, so I think that is perfectly reasonable to take a consistent effort until you solve the problem including letting him cry.

Caving at every turn just because your child cries is very poor parenting

Disagree completely when we are talking about an under 2 year old. Yes, when your 6 year old child is having a tantrum demanding sweets at the shops then caving in then is poor parenting. Not when we are talking about comforting a toddler who is distressed and alone.

Sleep training done properly is effective and improves everyone’s lives. They cry and it’s hard but they learn fairly quickly. Three nights and problems were solved with ours.
The first was a nightmare sleeper - still is. The others were trained at nine months and can sleep anytime, anywhere.
All the research shows there is no emotional damage. It shoes parents who sleep are able to be better parents.

Hi there I have heard great things about Lucy Wolfes book The baby Sleep Solution 0-6y, it's a more stay and support technique you should have a look into that

Parents need to do what is best for their children, not just what their children want them to do

I don't generally see comforting a sad or scared 2 year old as just doing what the child wants - I see it as responding to their need for comfort. Which is entirely reasonable and understandable at that age.

Yes with my older children they will sometimes be better to be left alone as my being there can keep them awake, but at 2 I generally found if they cried for me they were comforted by my being there whilst they slept.

Sleeping alone is actually unusual on a worldwide scale, and throughout history - it's only recently in the west that we've started having an expectation of young children sleeping alone, and are surprised when they often won't.

If a parent prefers to sleep train their own child they are welcome to - not all families are the same - but to say that parents who respond to their young child overnight are not doing what is best for the child is incorrect.

I agree he sounds over tired. I used the no cry sleep solution book for various sleep issues, it is brilliant and has various different strategies to try rather than being a method to follow if you see what I mean. I can’t believe some pp are telling the op to just give up and accept being tired 😩 I for one can’t do that, if I get too sleep deprived my mental health goes through the floor and I don’t think it’s selfish of me to to try to solve the issue rather than just martyring myself!

Don’t give in, you are the parent and the child will do as he is instructed.

but to say that parents who respond to their young child overnight are not doing what is best for the child is incorrect.

I didn't say that but ok.

I really disagree when people say leaving babies and small children to cry is fine because there is no long term damage and they wont remember.
They are vulnerable and scared and helpless at that age and not fully able to express their feelings or fears. Being left to cry for hours is extremely unpleasant at any age and if someone did that in an old persons home it would be considered neglect.
I know it's hard when babies/young children struggle to sleep alone but the reason leaving them to cry feels so unnatural and upsetting is because it isn't right.
He needs a nap or an earlier bedtime. Accept that he might need to sleep in your bed or you in his room on something more comfortable. It won't be forever. We still go into my 3 year olds room at night if he needs us and sleep in his bed with him.
It's getting less and less frequent but he needs it. We just go to bed a bit earlier, take it in turns etc, it's not that unmanageable.

Neither of mine slept. At all. They didn't nap in a bed once I don't think, they both slept with me for quite a long time (and still woke up hourly) and had milk at bedtime until they started school. I couldn't leave them to cry, i couldn't stand it and when I did try they made themselves sick.
So we did what we could to ensure we all had some sleep. To make sure they got a nap we either drove or walked them about (they would sleep in a pram/car seat during the day) and at night we rocked, cuddle, gave milk and anything else we needed to do. At the time it seemed like a huge effort but it did work and now they sleep very well in their own beds (they're 5 & 7).
There is such an expectation that babies will go to bed and sleep all night really quickly, some do but many don't. I don't actually think sleep training is going to do any harm but sleeping with your baby or letting them have milk or whatever they need to help them sleep isn't going to lead to a teenager who sleeps in your bed and has a bottle of milk at bed time either.

Oh, and I look back on the time I spent with them at bedtime, all those quiet cuddles as they fell asleep, with (very rose tinted) fondness