To leave 16 and 13 year old alone overnight

[Scampitramp]

School years 11 & 9. 13 year old nearly 14.

We've been invited to a party a couple of hours away so will stay overnight. Would leave mid afternoon Saturday & return around lunchtime Sunday. Used to being left while we go out locally, sometimes until early hours. Fairly sensible - can be trusted not to have friends over/parties/not to set fire to the house.

Seeing it as first foray into further independence.

Yay or nay??

Many 16 year olds I know left home at 16 to start degree or diploma-type courses. Specialist courses, sometimes abroad,

Changeofname79

"Parents of 16-18 yos are still imposing strict rules suitable for young teens..." we don't but its complicated!

"I know several 15/16 yos whose parents still do everything for them and keep saying, when you're at college I won't be doing it all. To me they should be getting them to do it much younger than that (and picking up the pieces when it goes a bit wrong) not throwing them in at the deep end at 16/17." Yes, i see the point but I cannot see my dd going off to college any time soon either. I think she mill manage food fine, she is quite a good cook.

Maybe, the bottom line is this question (home alone) affects our own insecurities as parents etc. And, again, I'd say it is OK for parents to have different views and try different things.

I think they would be OK as there are two of them, as long as they get on.

I wouldn't have coped alone in my parents house at any age. I was terrified when it got dark. That persisted into adulthood and then, one day, it went and has never returned.

JosefKeller "How many holidays and opportunities will they miss because you don't want to make the ready, or even accept that they are?"

We have positively encouraged both kids to go on holidays etc. I am afraid regarding me you know nothing!

With respect you really do not know me or my kids so please stop talking about them as if you do. You may feel sorry for them, your right, but I am getting rather offended by your personally targeting comments about my kids.

I find all the ''ashamed of my parenting comments really sad. I think some people do all think the way their kids turn out is all down to the parents. I am afraid it is not. Nurture and Nature, it's both and some kids are 'late' developers. It's not all down to parenting. And it's not all down to parents holding kids back.

We have positively encouraged both kids to go on holidays etc.

then your posts are not clear, you are the one stating that you don't want your kids to be alone overnight at 16...

I am only replying based on your posts. I find it frightening and suffocating, but each to their own.

Italian if your perspective is that you wouldn't leave your autistic 15yr old alone overnight, then yes, of course I can understand your caution in your particular situation. Just as I understand pps that have said their dc would fight etc.

If you're agreeing with the more ludicrous pps, horrified at op leaving them for an evening, let alone overnight then no, I'm sorry but I don't understand that perspective. It's beyond me why anyone would be so ridiculously cautious, and then have the audacity to imply parents that have gone to the effort to prepare their dc for adult life neglectful.

Completely agree with pps, parents are babying dc for longer. At least on mn it's quite common. Do you think 10/20/30 years ago hordes of posters would consider many of the situations on here normal?

It's as though a fair proportion of mn users have their own developmental guidelines, several years behind the norm when it comes to independence. Reception dc that still can't walk any distance and need a pushchair, 10yr old boys in female changing rooms because mummy hasn't taught them to dress yet, Y7 dc needing childcare, 16yr olds that would be incapable of coping overnight. Followed by 18yr olds that are unsurprisingly immature and struggle with responsibility.

Obviously I'm not referring to dc where there are other concerns. Let alone known problems.

JosefKeller I am sorry if reading things on here makes you feel frightened or suffocated. Reading your replies directed at me is quite unpleasant too. So let's say I won't direct any further comments at you, and you can leave me alone too. Ok?

I left my then 13yr old overnight on her own.
There was an iron tight back up plan with several adults involved, but all went fine.
She's 18 now, moved out a month before her 18th birthday and is completely independent.

Personally, I definitely wouldn't. That's not just overnight- that's 24hrs. Too much can go wrong & it's not fair on the 16yr old.

Italiangreyhound

No need to agree, don’t let facts get in the way of your opinion

I would ask them how they feel about it. At this age I would have hated it and been v scared, even with my older sibling there, and even though just a year later I travelled abroad alone on school exchanges (always with an adult in the house overnight though!).

TrainspottingWelsh I've said repeatedly I can only speak from my own perspective.

I've agreed with some, not with all. Just as you seem to think some are overly cautious, I think some are not cautious enough.

"Do you think 10/20/30 years ago hordes of posters would consider many of the situations on here normal?" That's the thing, I know what I was doing almost 40 years ago. Maybe, remembering what I and some friends were up to at 16, and looking back, it was not safe.

"Obviously I'm not referring to dc where there are other concerns. Let alone known problems." I get that, and I know what you mean. i think it is not so much that some of us do not trust our children but that some of us are fearful of situations young people can get into where they get out of their depth quite quickly.

That so easily could have been me at 16, sleeping at a squat, drinking, smoking, riding motor bikes, taking the occasional drug. My parents had no idea and I would most definitively have been out of my depth if I had not been incredibly lucky.

I wonder if it is this as I alluded to earlier (our own experiences and concerns) that governs what we feel is a good idea.

My kids aren't yet 16 (just short of it) and they do not get on and there is no way it would be safe to leave one supervising the over, so that is where I am coming from. So this is all to come!!

ivykaty44 let's just agree to differ shall we?

I don't get all the people who thinks it's fine to leave the eldest on their own and send youngest to stay with a friend. Surely it is better for 2 sensible people to be home together. At 16 I was heading off for a weeks holiday with 16 year old friend to a big unknown city, staying at home with a younger though quite old sibling would be much less challenging. Have a nice weekend away.

Italian but that's my point, as parents we have a duty to equip dc with the skills and experience to make those risk assessments and navigate undesirable or even dangerous situations. Of course they won't always get it right, but better to make those mistakes on a smaller scale with a parent a phone call away than in a far riskier situation at 18/20/25.

We don't teach dc road safety by clinging to their hands till they are 11 and then suddenly sending them out alone. We do it slowly, so by 3 they might not have the maturity to cross alone safely, but they understand we don't run into the road. At 4/5 they might not have the ability to judge speed, and at 7 might not have the height to see round parked cars, but will still take pride in telling you when they think it's safe to cross. We don't protect them in the long term by doing it for them.

TrainspottingWelsh I am not disagreeing with you.

Of course it would be fine unless they’re a pair of utter thickos

Charming.

Or maybe because your youngest has special needs and it’s not fair for the eldest to have responsibility for him overnight?

@ClappyFlappy if the OP's youngest had special needs, I think she would have said so.

I'm in Scotland and the 16 year old would be allowed to get married so one night should not be a problem.
Having said that my 16 year old would think it was cool to be left alone overnight but in all honestly I'm not sure they would actual do it and would probably find an excuse to stay at a pals.

Italian no problem

Yes @saraclara but I was just making the point that there can be other reasons for kids that age not being able to be left other than being “utter thickos”, lovely turn of phrase though it is. And as @Italiangreyhound said it’s not always down to neurotic overparenting either.

"do you honestly believe it's ok for a 16 year old not to cope on their own?" Yes.

Words fail.

It's ok for a 30 year old not to cope on their own if you look at it that way..

I left my then 13yr old overnight on her own.
There was an iron tight back up plan with several adults involved, but all went fine.
Well that was lucky , because if it had not you would have had social services/police involvement or worse. How could you be so selfish?

Well that was lucky , because if it had not you would have had social services/police involvement or worse. How could you be so selfish?

FFS, some people need to get a grip - maybe they should have been given more independence when they were young.

Kids start to earn money babysitting at that age, if you can trust them with a young one, surely you can trust them in your own house.

I suspect people who don't think a 13 year old should be left alone overnight are also people who don't think a 13 year old is a good choice of babysitter.