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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 16 and 13 year old alone overnight

364 replies

Scampitramp · 31/01/2020 22:18

School years 11 & 9. 13 year old nearly 14.

We've been invited to a party a couple of hours away so will stay overnight. Would leave mid afternoon Saturday & return around lunchtime Sunday. Used to being left while we go out locally, sometimes until early hours. Fairly sensible - can be trusted not to have friends over/parties/not to set fire to the house.

Seeing it as first foray into further independence.

Yay or nay??

OP posts:
JosefKeller · 02/02/2020 16:09

The OP doesn't need to be away, she wants to be away.

but isn't that you prepare your kids? Gradually, ideally not when you are faced with an emergency, don't think straight and haven't got time to prepare?

Of course it depends on the children, and more importantly your situation. An isolated farm in the middle of nowhere or a dodgy area with recent stabbing cannot compare with a fairly peaceful neighbourhood and neighbours who can be trusted, or even friends who can be at your place within 5 minutes of being called.

MitziK · 02/02/2020 16:14

Over 16 year olds shouldn't be left alone frequently for long periods of time or for multiple nights

They do know that legally, 16 year olds can get married, have sex and babies or leave home permanently with parental permission, don't they?

jaffaeclipse · 02/02/2020 16:15

but isn't that you prepare your kids? Gradually, ideally not when you are faced with an emergency, don't think straight and haven't got time to prepare?

I've never left mine overnight for a party. They have stayed overnight with grandparents when I was at work during half term but that's all.

cptartapp · 02/02/2020 16:15

I wouldn't and have two of similar ages. But we live down a country lane with open fields to four sides, only one neighbour and no family in the county. Your risk assessment might be different.

Baaaahhhhh · 02/02/2020 16:24

NSPCC are a bit OTT. Are they aware of how many 16 year olds are out there babysitting for very young children.

My 16yr old DD regularly looks after 4 children on her own, ages 5up, and has stayed the night as parents have come home after midnight. She earns good money too.

Louiselouie0890 · 02/02/2020 16:25

No especially as you wont be local

Changeofname79 · 02/02/2020 16:25

I would. I wouldhe very disappointed if a 16 and nearly 14yo couldnt be left. I would definitely feel like I havent done my job correctly as a parent.

My nearly 14yo DS would be ok now but I wouldnt of course, at 16 definitely ok. DS2 is 11 so definitely too young. He will be fine in a couple of years for sure.

Baaaahhhhh · 02/02/2020 16:29

Actually just remembered my mum and dad retired when I was still 16, spent 6 months abroad, and left me alone in the house. I did my GCSE's on my own, sorted the cat out, locked up the house, caught a plane, and went to join them for the summer holidays. I then came back for the start of the new term, 17 by then. Different times.......

Tombakersscarf · 02/02/2020 16:31

@JosefKeller I have a 12 year old. How we "deal" with late nights/overnights is we don't have them! Have booked babysitter till midnight, but that's more for his sibling. I would not go out till 4am and leave 12 year old alone. I did enough late nights before having children, I figure I can devote 16 years to them (not saying don't go out at all, but I don't think staying out overnight or till the clubs shut is necessary for parents, no)

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2020 16:35

The fact some may choose to get married while legally not old enough to give themselves permission to do so, is hardly making me think 16 year olds are necessarily mature!

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2020 16:37

*Baaaahhhhh8 you sound a very strong person to be able to do all that.

But I have to say I couldn't have done it, neither could my child. I think it is quite unusual to expect a 16 year old to do that and even more unusual for them to be able to do it. They maybe knew you very well, or were just very lucky.

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2020 16:40

Changeofname79 "I would. I wouldhe very disappointed if a 16 and nearly 14yo couldnt be left. I would definitely feel like I havent done my job correctly as a parent."

But nurture is only part of the story, isn't it? Some 16 year olds children would not be able to take responsibility in some situations regardless of the parenting. I know parenting is very important but it is only part of the story.

Cahira · 02/02/2020 16:42

My mum went on holiday for a week when I was 17 and my brother was 15. It was fine, our grandparents came and checked we were still alive every couple of days. I'm sure one night would be OK.

Thunderpunt · 02/02/2020 16:43

Yep, and have done so on one occasion- made sure i had back up by way of immediate neighbors, in as much as a quick conversation to say 'we are going to be away for one night and would it be ok in event of emergency to knock on your door'
They were fine and loved the sense of independence (actually don't think either of them looked up from the PS4 when we left or indeed the whole time Grin)

KatharinaRosalie · 02/02/2020 16:44

baahh as I mentioned earlier, I went to Sweden as an exchange student. The host organisation apologised that they didn't really have a host family for me, but here are the keys to your flat and we'll give you some cash so you can buy food. I was 15. Didn't even have a phone in that flat. Managed fine.

So the idea that a 16-year old can't be left for one night, in their own home, with a mobile phone so they can call parents or emergency services at any time ..?

JosefKeller · 02/02/2020 16:44

How we "deal" with late nights/overnights is we don't have them!
So you never have medical emergencies, work emergencies or the likes. Not everyone leaves their child overnight to go clubbing, and a 12 year old is better in his own bed than dragged around.

Kimbishop86 · 02/02/2020 16:53

Absolutely fine, they have phones and so do you. You could always let The neighbours know just in case they lock themselves out of do have a party so they could let you know. I remember being in year 9 and you can definitely be trusted not to set fire to the house or get into too much mischief

RedtartanLass · 02/02/2020 17:00

Ffs only one Mumsnet!!

At 16 they can join the army, get married and have sex!!

I'm sure overnight with a nearly 14 year old isn't gonna kill then.

I despair!!!

JosefKeller · 02/02/2020 17:03

what is even more scary is how these kids cope when they are finally allowed on their own. So the first time they go on holiday with friends, or start uni... that would worry me a hell of a lot more if they never had been allowed home alone until then. Shit will happen.

RedTartanLass · 02/02/2020 17:04
  • What makes me laugh the most about the mollycoddling crew is the fact they seem to genuinely believe it's better parenting.

If anyone said they were deliberately preventing/ delaying their dc's development in other areas there would be outrage, but anything to do with any form of independence and some people strangely seem to think being too lazy to bother teaching them is great parenting.*

This!!! With bells on!!!

Paintedmaypole · 02/02/2020 17:07

I would have no problem leaving the 16 year old but whether I would leave a younger sibling with them depends how they get on, teenagers can be much less mature towards a sibling than they would be when babysitting for someone else. If there is any possibility that the younger one would not cooperate or they would argue I wouldn't do it. I also wouldn't do it if either of them are likely to bring friends to the house. On balance it is a No from me.

Mamabear88 · 02/02/2020 17:12

In terms of safety, i'm sure they'll both be fine and are responsible enough. However I was sneaking around with my now DH at 16 and 100% would have had him over to stay the night if left alone so something to consider!

Needmorecaffine · 02/02/2020 17:12

Yes. No problem.

acocadochocolate · 02/02/2020 17:13

I would go by how the DCs feel about it. If they are confident then do it, if not then wait another year or two.

Heymacarana · 02/02/2020 17:20

I would go by how the DCs feel about it. If they are confident then do it, if not then wait another year or two.

This. And if they weren’t confident I would be seriously questioning my own parenting abilities