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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother using reins AIBU

354 replies

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:05

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

OP posts:
Topseyt · 30/01/2020 13:49

I would just like to add that I hate seeing unrestrained toddlers racing along the footpath when I am driving. As the driver, you just have no idea what they might do and all you can do is go past as slowly as possible. They worry me a lot and the parent is usually screeching at them from some distance behind.

I really wish more people would use reins.

Evenstar · 30/01/2020 13:52

I used reins for all my three, my eldest was a bolter and needed reins a lot longer than the other two. I think at your age you underestimate the anxiety for your mother of knowing that she is probably not quick to catch your DS if he did slip her hand. Better safe than sorry.

Changeembrace · 30/01/2020 13:52

One child
Sahm
Classic case of too much time to navel gaze

I’m not judging as I too was a sahm with one child at the same age as your DS. Trust me, this is not something that would exercise you for a nano second if you were balancing with work / more children. Let it go. And then chuckle to yourself a few years later when you recall starting this thread.

cdtaylornats · 30/01/2020 13:53

He is presumably exactly the right height for you to hold his hand without bending and contorting. You are also younger and more confident of catching him if he runs.

Whattheother2catsprefer · 30/01/2020 13:54

I've never seen reins used (or even heard of it - I'm not in the UK) on children. Is this exclusive to the UK or have MNs seen them used elsewhere?

My son's (very necessary on the walk to preschool which was along side a fast, busy road for most of the way) reins came to me with a bundle of second hand things from family friends who live in Paris. She is half Spanish, half French, he is half French, half English but was raised in France and the Middle East. That said I have no idea if they ever used them on any of their three kids or if they were an un-used gift from his English mother.

I used them regularly but not every time we were out as we often walked on footpaths that were nowhere near roads but in busy places or next to traffic he was reins until he was nearly four, he was like Usain Bolt (on speed) and could be way out of reach (or sight) in a split second. He's now age 9 and he often still holds my hand when we are walking so it doesn't follow that a reins user doesn't learn to hand hold.

Formermousemat · 30/01/2020 13:54

I think it does depend on the needs of the person who is caring for him in this situation really.

I used a back pack with reins for my child, because it was more comfortable for me due to a physical disability. Having had that experience, I can see why an older person would be more comfortable using reins.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 13:55

@Changeembrace

Well I’m
Pregnant so I’m sure I will be juggling too soon and have less time to “navel gaze”

Didn’t realise AIBU wasn’t for trivial issues too though, that’s for putting me firmly back in my SAHM box.

OP posts:
Expo · 30/01/2020 13:56

@crispysausagerolls omg have now read @MrsPresley story. If you read her threads on reins I would be surprised if you didn’t start using them yourself let alone your mum. Sensible mum. Shame on those who frown upon them.

iklboo · 30/01/2020 13:57

We used reins with DS (now 14). He had great fun just letting his legs go when he was tired and dangling like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 13:57

I would just like to add that I hate seeing unrestrained toddlers racing along the footpath when I am driving

This is awful - but the solution is not exclusively reins, is it? It’s a buggy, or hand holding too!

@cdtaylornats

Mother is smaller than me which is why I mentioned the height thing. Point taken though re mobility and age.

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 13:58

@Expo

Where is her story? Someone posted a link but it didn’t have the story on it (that I could find)

OP posts:
Expo · 30/01/2020 14:00

@crispysausagerolls search MrsPresley and reins. Your mum is doing the right thing and especially when you have a new baby in tow you will start using reins. @MrsPresley my heart goes out to you. Flowers

TheNoodlesIncident · 30/01/2020 14:00

Fair play to you OP, you've been sporting about the YABU. I've just looked into my photos collection and there's photos of us and DS at the zoo, Ds has his reins on and he was three and a half at that point. He didn't still have them much longer I don't think. He'd worn them from when he started to walk, we lived on a busy road and we'd go out daily to have a toddle down the road. The reins were a blessing as he could be supported if he started to fall, saving him face planting on the pavement, plus he wouldn't be able to go into the road at any point.

Out of curiousity: I've never seen reins used (or even heard of it - I'm not in the UK) on children. Is this exclusive to the UK or have MNs seen them used elsewhere? I don't think they are, I'm sure I've seen that people from other countries have commented on reins on children, mostly from a disapproving POV. Most odd, as to be honest most people should be only concerned for children's safety and not how they look (if that's the issue).

Expo · 30/01/2020 14:03

@crispysausagerolls I agree with @thenoodleincident - you have listened in good spirit! Crown Smile

Notso · 30/01/2020 14:04

I didn't use them for any of mine. Three of my children would always just hold my hand or the buggy anyway.
DC3 was a runner who hated any form of restraint but the reins were his worst.
I tried and tried but he would without fail either just scream and lie down on the floor when they were on him or he would just go limp and hang from them like an angry marionette.
I tried putting them on him but letting him 'free' at the park so he'd associate them with fun but he would stand still screeching and pulling at them trying to get them off, he eventually learned if he could get his arms out of his coat he could pull off his coat (also loathed) and the reins Hmm
I ended up always carrying him or wrestling him into the buggy.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/01/2020 14:05

Don't reins have the potential to cause walking issues?

Only if you tie them around the child’s ankles.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 14:05

I didn’t know that they aren’t used much abroad - I wonder why that is. Was the opposite way around with dummies until recently!

OP posts:
diddl · 30/01/2020 14:05

Sometimes though you don't have a bolter-until you do!

Expo · 30/01/2020 14:06

@alexaambidextra Grin. All those teenagers and adults now walking around with walking issues because of the reins they used in childhood.

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 14:08

Absolutely. They were pretty much used as standard in the 1970s and everyone in their 40s now has to crawl everywhere. It's outrageous. None of us knows how to walk at all.

😂

Expo · 30/01/2020 14:09

@crispysausagerolls you are right. My exDH is from another country. Dummies were de rigeur (and frowned upon here) whereas reins were frowned upon there. Still used them. I also remember it was super useful when DS was about to trip and fall over. I just brought him back upright again. Saved many a bruised knee.

Yeahnah2020 · 30/01/2020 14:16

Can’t stand them. He’s only 18 months. Put him in a bloody pushchair in town!!

Hoik · 30/01/2020 14:17

Where is her story?

MrsPresley had twins, a boy and a girl. She had, and used, reins for them. One day their father took them out and didn't grab their reins, either because he was in a rush or he forgot. The why doesn't matter, only that he didn't have them with him. While they were out he was seeing to their little girl and while he was distracted their little boy suddenly bolted into the road where was hit by a car and killed. Bot only did they lose their son, it cost them their marriage, the dad turned to drinking and died a broken man as he could cope with the guilt. MrsPresley now has adult children and grandchildren but obviously such a loss has never left her and she is a huge advocate of using reins. Even if your child isn't a bolter, use them just in case as little children are unpredictable.

Reins save lives.

@MrsPresley, I'm sorry if I got any details wrong. I have always used reins with my DC, even my placid DC2 who never ever bolted, and that's been in part thanks to you and your little boy. I hope you know how many MN toddlers have been kept safe thanks to your message of "reins save lives" Flowers

eldeeno · 30/01/2020 14:19

My daughter was fantastic, always held hands, did as we asked and never needed reins. Until one day when she decided to bolt. Into the path of an oncoming car. Thankfully for us it was in a shop car park, and the car was able to stop in time. It really upset the driver, who was thoroughly shaken by the whole event.

But could you imagine if she hadn't and the child had died? Now can you imagine if it wasn't your child, and you had to go home and tell the mother that her child is dead. And that you could have prevented her child's death (by using reins) but didn't?

Your child won't be confused. Kids quickly know that at mums house they don't get / do X but at grans house they do. My mum looked after my children, she had her own rules and my children adjusted perfectly fine. Just like when they go to a childminder's, they have different rules there too. Children adjust. That's what they do.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 30/01/2020 14:19

As a grandmother of two little boys I know just how probably over-cautious I am when I'm looking after them. I certainly couldn't run after the 3 year old, he goes like lightning; his 6 year old brother is more sensible but I take no chances with him too when crossing roads etc.
I also try to make sure 'granny's rules' are in line with my DS and DDIL's so they reinforce that 'what Nonna says, goes'!
I did have the younger DGS do a runner, thankfully along a pavement, and I nearly had a heart attack- he was nearly out of sight in seconds as I wrestled with the buggy and steps. Never again! Luckily one of the neighbour's chased him.
Far, far better to be safe than sorry.