Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother using reins AIBU

354 replies

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:05

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

OP posts:
ColourMyDreams · 30/01/2020 14:20

@howabout You can teach road safety while using reins, I did. Just as if you were holding hands instead, you stop, look and listen. Using reins makes no difference to learning road safety.
@crispysausagerolls Mine were brought up abroad and used reins. Not always the done thing no, but it kept my lot safe and that's all that mattered to me.
Proper traditional leather reins that strapped round the chest and shoulders too.

sanityisamyth · 30/01/2020 14:23

My mother kept telling me to put reins on my DS. he wasn't one to run off. Quite the opposite and hated walking! Reins made everything a million times worse as I ended up having to drag him or he would lean into the reins and then fall over if they went slack. Nightmare.

If she's happier taking him out in reins then let her. It won't last forever anyway.

Merename · 30/01/2020 14:25

Haven’t read the full thread but I am not that keen on reins either, agree with the spaniel thing. But equally I can see that doesn’t make much sense, as both a spaniel and a toddler lack self control in all required situations, hence the need for restraint. I had the same situation although my mum asked me and I let her do it, as I could see it was harder for her to run after my wee one than it was for me. At the same time, it’s your kid and if you’re not comfy with anything, it’s ok to say!

Pollaidh · 30/01/2020 14:33

Children are adaptable and understand different people have different rules.

I'm disabled (can walk around, but no way could run to grab a child who had legged it) and know the fear of knowing that if a child runs off I might not be able to run and grab them/or scoop them before they run into the road or something. I can quite well imagine your mother knows he's usually good, but that 'what if?' is always in the back of your mind, especially when it's not your own child and you feel even more responsibility. I won't take responsibility for other people's children unless they've reached the age of reason (Yr 1 and up usually).

midwestfornow · 30/01/2020 14:35

We used the little rucksacks which strapped across the chest and had a lead.
Lots of older people commented on how nice and sensible they were.
Both dc at age 11 can now be trusted without them and can walk without issues.

MiniGuinness · 30/01/2020 14:36

I think reins look cute too. But I also think dummies are cute. You can wheedle out the snobs by admitting that.

teraculum29 · 30/01/2020 14:37

Reins are hardly used in Poland.
I remember when my daughter was about 2 and I went to Poland to visit my mum, when I put reins on my DD, the looks I had from passing people was strange like I was some sort of weirdo.
Whilst there I haven't seen any child in reins.

Winter2020 · 30/01/2020 14:41

My eldest got on brilliantly with reins when he was toddling -3 ish.

He wasn't running off but he didn't like to hold hands. We walked for miles with the reins. I loved that if he slipped or tripped instead of hurting himself and having gravel in his hands or face I supported him.

He also spent hours riding a little balance motorbike on reins. He couldn't speed away or roll off down hills/into traffic and again if he went to fall off I had him supported.

Loved them. It was never about pulling him anywhere he didn't want to go - if he wasn't happy and he sat down or whatever I would have to carry him.

howabout · 30/01/2020 14:41

I'm not saying you can't teach road safety while using reins. However if you are not using reins you are forced to pay more attention to the safety of the child at all times and are therefore more aware of danger and of passing the lesson on. The child is also less likely to take a safety warning seriously if you have put reins on them telling them this will "keep them safe".

Comments about lax mothers allowing their DC to run ahead of them on pavements bother me. Imo if you are driving in a residential area or past a school you should be able to stop in time to avoid a wayward infant.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/01/2020 14:43

You could suggest a wrist strap instead?

Hated reins, DD just treated them like a swing which killed my back so stopped that pretty quickly.

She bolted a few times in a large london Park, multiple exits when DD2 turned up and I couldn't chase after her with a pram/sling. Reins cured that pretty quickly. She was 3.5 yrs and mortified to be wearing them.

If your child is fine with it, I wouldn't object. One afternoon a week is not going to break all their good habits re handholding

Expo · 30/01/2020 14:44

@howabout your last comment is a wind up right

Shosha1 · 30/01/2020 14:45

All those who say your child just holds your hand and never let's go.

What happens when you are at a pay point in a shop and you need both hands to open purse pay and such.

What does your child do then?

DBro was a police officer who stated he wasnt putting his child on a lead.

DN held hands well.

While DBro was paying, DN saw something and slipped away.

In a major shopping centre. DN was missing for almost a hour.

This was 3 weeks after Jamie Bulger went missing in similar circumstances.

Makes you think.

Ohwhatbliss · 30/01/2020 14:46

Pointless message but I'm a Brit who had and is raising two kids in Aus and I have NEVER seen a child on reins, and that's in 3 different states. Strange now I think about it as i can definitely see their benefit for some kids (wanders off to check out potential gap in the market)

Expo · 30/01/2020 14:48

@howabout and this is a wind up too right? When has a 2/3 year old ever taken a safety warning more or less seriously Hmm

However if you are not using reins you are forced to pay more attention to the safety of the child at all times and are therefore more aware of danger and of passing the lesson on. The child is also less likely to take a safety warning seriously if you have put reins on them telling them this will "keep them safe".

corythatwas · 30/01/2020 14:48

It is totally up to you if using reins makes you less careful about hand-holding. Never stopped me from being meticulous about hands and about keeping up a running dialogue about what we have to do near the roads.

I remember the days when people used to argue that seatbelts were dangerous because it made drivers careless.

Plenty of evidence to show that not using reins is no guarantee against a momentary lapse.

And as for "should be able to stop in time"- surely that depends on how far the child is from your front wheel? Cars have a braking distance. Children can hurl themselves into the road without observing a car that is just behind them. Or even trip and fall sideways.

And as for

CheshireChat · 30/01/2020 14:49

I think reins are used more in the UK as the pavements are really narrow in a lot of places. And Brits are generally speaking, quite safety focused in any case (not a bad thing btw).

Spidey66 · 30/01/2020 14:50

Im over 50, when I was a child they were common, then fell out of fashion. I do remember in the early 90s they became more common again after the James Bulger incident. It's possible your mum remains anxious about something like that happening?

Geoffreythecat · 30/01/2020 14:52

Imo if you are driving in a residential area or past a school you should be able to stop in time to avoid a wayward infant.

The stopping distance even at 20mph, with thinking time, is 40 feet so that simply might not be possible. Also, I'd rather keep my child's safety in my own hands (literally) rather than hope people will stop in time if they run out.

Thestrangestthing · 30/01/2020 14:56

OP I think your mum is just being cautious. Maybe she feels she's not as quick off the mark as she once was, and is worried if your ds ever did make a run for it, she wouldn't catch him. Children can be unpredictable. I don't think it will confuse your ds.

Juliette20 · 30/01/2020 15:11

I think as a compromise she could hold his hand and the reins. It does seem a backward step when he's good at hand-holding, but I can understand her caution, when you are looking after a child which isn't your own.

Mine used to go absolutely mad if I tried reins but would hold my hand.

Happityhap · 30/01/2020 15:16

Just ask her to hold his hand as well as having a grip on the reins.

Granny needs to feel your DS is safe when out and about with her.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 15:18

What happens when you are at a pay point in a shop and you need both hands to open purse pay and such

But in this situation I would pick my son up or have him strapped in a buggy. Not using reins doesn’t mean just letting go of their hand - that’s craziness! No one should do that!

@MiniGuinness

I think the leather reins look very sweet! But I don’t think dummies look sweet at all - not sure how that makes me a snob though!

OP posts:
tallah · 30/01/2020 15:22

Your num is older, fe could run in the road much quicker than she could catch him! She is being responsible

TheQueenBeyondTheWall · 30/01/2020 15:27

They are not just to stop toddlers bolting.

Someone could attempt to take him. Very unlikely but your mum just sounds responsible.

That footage of James Bulger will haunt people forever.

Notstrongandstable · 30/01/2020 15:35

OP I don't think everyone should be having a go at you like this! Reins are really awful and I would never use them. It is like walking a dog.
Someone upthread said you HAVE to use them with a toddler to keep them safe...utter nonsense! My children were toddlers in fairly central London and we never needed them