Mother using reins AIBU

[crispysausagerolls]

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

My mother used reins with us. Better safe then sorry.

i also don't buy the fact he spends 6 days with you but you're concerned he's going to lose his good hand holding etiquette for one afternoon in reins

He spends 6 days not eating chocolate or watching bing either but asks for them constantly because he does those things with her, so it’s hardly a leap. But I don’t mind if you “buy” it or not 🤪

Not using stairgates is wild

Kids are adaptable.
It makes her happy and knows he can't come to harm on her watch.
Sounds like you, your Mum and we havr a lovely relationship.

I respect that people want to keep their children safe, but for us it just wouldn't have added anything at all in terms of safety. Difficult to explain but I can't think of a single time when reins would have made life with toddlers easier.

It's not about ease, it's about safety. A toddler can't be trusted, however reliable you think they are. A single distraction, the first time they decide to bolt, a sudden sense of adventure. There have been examples on this thread of children who have been injured, and one who has tragically died where reins might have made a difference.

I've not yet taken full charge of my new granddaughter, but I'm already aware that I'm worrying about the responsibility of caring for a child that I already adore, but who isn't mine!
I was a confident parent with my own children, and reins wouldn't even have occurred to me back then. But the thought of my granddaughter having an accident in my care is already on my mind. I'll be wrapping her in bubble wrap!

So yes, I'm just joining the crowd saying that having an over-safety conscious grandmother is a) understandable on her part and b) MUCH better than the opposite (which there've been a few threads about recently!)

My son walked really nicely holding my hand for the first 3-4 weeks (adopted), he bolted at London Zoo and it took a long time for him to be found. I stupidly carried on hand holding but had a death grip on his hand, as I’m tallish (six foot) I caused an injury to his shoulder as his arm was bolt upright when we walked anywhere. I moved onto a wrist strap for us both, no bolting, no more shoulder injury.

Op despite my nephew- related reins telling off story upthread I can't actually remember if I used reins or not with my own kids (youngest 9) so I suspect it doesn't make much difference in the long run.

Out of curiousity: I've never seen reins used (or even heard of it - I'm not in the UK) on children. Is this exclusive to the UK or have MNs seen them used elsewhere?

DD was an absolute terror for bolting as a toddler, so I used reins. BUT I also insisted on holding her hand at the same time. She still holds my hand every time we leave the house, instinctively.

She's nearly 12yo now...

Of course YABU.
Reins are safer and better for the child's posture. They can pick things up when they have reins too.

She wants to keep him safe. This is the way she feels most confident doing that, so let her crack on.

We live in a small city and there is a very busy road at the top of our road - reins were a must when ours were small.

Not RTFT, so sorry if this has already been mentioned, but I am sure I have seen almost cuffs and a bungee cord as reins substitute somewhere (I can't remember where I saw them for sale now but will try to remember).

The parent and child have a cuff around a wrist each and then a bungee cord almost between them, so you can hold hands, but if the child darts they can't get too far. If you don't fancy the reins then that could be a good compromise.

By age 2, DS suddenly had this HUGE confidence and energy, coupled with this cheeky "Look at meeee I'm running away, hahaha can't catch me.. I'm going!!" going on. You can talk about road safety until you're blue in the face to a 2 year old but they will not get it. Well maybe some will.... mine did not. Or didn't care. He was straight in the dino backpack reins (very cute! grin ) He still does it randomly now at 3.5 (as do the other 3-4 yos in Nursery - bolting off out of the gate!) but as he's understanding rules and punishments bribes and threats a lot better he stays with me more. I very firmly hold his hand near roads/crossing, which sometimes ends up with him twisting and falling to the floor howling - and plenty of disapproving tuts and stares. This is why I also still use a mountain buggy because we do a ton of walking near main roads and some days I haven't got time/energy/cba with it. You do what you do to make it easier for yourself and safer for them. I love your mums attitude and getting him used to reins AND hand holding now is a good idea!

This. With reins on.

My DS is 3.2 and I still use reins if we're going somewhere busy or crowded. Or if he's on the balance bike next to the road/on a hill. He holds hands the rest of the time and is as sensible as you could expect a 3yo can be about road safety. But he's still not 100% reliable and bolted off last week laughing, I shit myself, it was horrible.

What's the difference between reins & a bag with a strap?

Mainly aesthetics?

I mean everyone still knows it's essentially reins, right?

Perhaps toddler are in cars more & there's less general walking about?

I just tell my dm do what you want to make it easier when you have ds,always have done.Hes 6 now but if she had put reigns on him in the past I'd have assumed it's because she felt more comfortable doing that.

No matter how perfect, any child can be distracted and run off, which could have horrendous consequences.

What are you going to say if your DM tells you she didn't use one and your child is now in ICU fighting for his life?

The fact she's holding reins doesn't mean she can't also hold his hand. They're just an extra safety net. I didn't use them for my elder DD but did for my younger, who would have been off like a shot if she saw a cat/dog/animal of any description (and still is at age 10!)

Wrist straps are nowhere near as safe or effective as traditional style reins or backpack reins.

With a wrist strap, you're interfering with your childs ability to naturally move their arms back and forth as they walk.

If your child trips over or you need to pull them back in an emergency situation then all of the pressure is exerted on their arm/wrist and you run the risk of dislocating their elbow or shoulder - elbows in particular are prone to dislocation in the under fives. With a backpack or traditional reins, the harness evenly distributes any pressure across the whole of the torso rather than focusing it on one small body part.

The other issue with a wrist strap is that it can shift or slacken. The movement of the strap against bare skin can cause irritation however it also means that the child can easily escape from the strap which defeats the point of using one in the first place.

Obviously a wrist strap is better than nothing at all however if there is a choice between wrist strap and reins, always opt for the reins.

OP, your child might behave completely different with you and in different way with his granny.
with you your son behaves nicely and holding your hand and walk with granny it could be completely different so reins are needed.
Its just safety

He won’t get confused, children are adaptable and quickly understand different places/people mean different rules. Reins are useful if you are concerned about a child running, I imagine you are confident that you could quickly grab your child if needed, your mum obviously isn’t.

I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

Well. Which is it OP? You don’t see the point of them and yet you do.

I used reins for all three of mine when they were that age. I used to give them the choice, which was that they could go in the buggy or they could have the reins on and walk. It varied which they chose.

Reins gave me peace of mind, as toddlers can be notoriously unreliable and unpredictable.

I am glad that you have decided to let it drop. Your mother is being very careful and responsible because this is your child.

Just popping in to wonder if you were a bolter OP...have you asked her?

I remember my own reins, yellow with rabbits on the front...ah nostalgia.

I would let her use the reins. Sometimes children listen less if it’s someone who just looks after them once a week and also toddlers can just bolt, they are unpredictable.
I used them on my first as she used to run off all the time, into roads. Was a nightmare especially with a baby in tow!

I think let this go. Your mum probably feels more confident with the reins, and tbh if he did run off one day, I'm guessing (obv I don't know how fit you or your mum are) that it would probably be harder for her to run after him than it would be for you. It's not a huge issue, just a different way of doing things. I'm sure he'll soon learn and understand it's a different set of rules when he's with her compared to when he's with you.