Mother using reins AIBU

[crispysausagerolls]

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

I think yabu...18 months old is young and they don't fully understand dangers....she isn't going to be as nippy and in the ball as you if he bolts. He is not her child so she is being extra safe and fair play to her. How far is he even walking without a buggy? 18 month olds can't walk far.

Expo no not a wind up. I dropped my teen at secondary after lunch. If I had not been driving fully expecting a couple of dozen or so teenagers to sprawl out all over the road at a moment's notice there would have been a lot of casualties. All the other drivers, taxis and buses included, were driving with a similar level of cognisance. If we can all make allowances for teens with no sense of danger then surely similar allowances should be made for 2 year olds.

My now 2 year old ds held hands beautifully at 18 months. Less do these days, he'll do it for a while and then will suddenly bolt. We have the backpack style reins with a strap, I still make him hold hands but the strap is round my wrist as a failsafe.

What happens when you are at a pay point in a shop and you need both hands to open purse pay and such

But in this situation I would pick my son up or have him strapped in a buggy

If you use a buggy they don't get knackered out enough nearly as much exercise, and they get too heavy to be picking up as a means of restraint. Reins are fab at tills!

I will never forget the toddler I had to look after in ITU, brain damaged and blind with multiple fractures, after he snatched his hand out of his mother’s hand and ran into the road, having spotted a friend on the other side. He was hit by a car that had no chance of stopping in time.
When I had my own children, a few years later, I made damn sure they were on reins whenever we were walking along roads. Toddlers do not have the maturity to assess traffic risks, and have very little impulse control. You cannot predict when a previously well behaved child will suddenly bolt.

@howabout I guess people take different risks with their toddlers lives. Good luck to them. Reading @MrsPresley experience will hopefully put things into perspective.

Expo I don't trust drivers and act accordingly to protect my DC. However the point is that drivers should be driving with wayward toddlers in mind especially near schools and in residential areas. 20mph is much too fast going past a nursery route at drop off or pick up time.

Our main road is a procession of traffic lights, pedestrian crossings, bus stops, side junctions and people pulling in and out to drop off most of the day. Wayward toddlers are just another reason why anyone driving at more than an absolute crawl would be dangerous. However the really dangerous drivers are the ones who veer off the main road so they can cut through the adjacent residential terrace at speed. I am glad the parking is usually congested sufficiently to make this unattractive.

I used reins with my two, plus the rucksacks with a lead as they got a bit bigger. Little hands slip out of big hands easily, and reins allowed more natural movement with us both being able to move our arms naturally as we walked. I did have to stop for a while when DS1 was 2 as they didn't work with the swing of crutches (I couldn't push a pram either) but he was a fairly risk adverse toddler.

DS2 was a bolter. When in Turkey, a local man pointed at the reins looking thouroughly confused at DS2 (18m). I replied "Ussain Bolt". Understanding spread over his face and he laughed. I did not want a lightning fast DS2 sprinting to the nearest swimming pool (he had form at swimming lessons...)

DS2 did his last Houdini act at 3 in a large warehouse shop, and we ended up activating a lost child alert, he was collared at the exit by security. The next week we went to London and reins were definitely used! Infact DS1 (6) was happy to use the rucksack as it was a much busier environment than he's used to and it helped to stop him drifting with the crowds. I grew up with regular security threats in London in the 80s, and it was vaguely at the back of my mind that the rucksacks could help keep them near in the unlikely event of an incident... one month later it was the Westminster Bridge attack (we'd spent hours around that zone). 3 months later was the London Bridge attack, and we were staying there and hanging around Bourough Matket at night. None of us had any regrets about keeping the children close in bustling, unfamiliar places.

Reins are a good tool for keeping young children close and give a little more flexibility than just holding hands. They also make an excellent warning for 4/ 5 year olds who prat about when they're walking...

I know someone who ran over, and killed, a toddler who darted out into the road directly in front of her. She has never got over it. She was completely exonerated, there was nothing she could have done. Awful tragedy for the poor parents, but shocking and traumatic for the driver.
So easily prevented.

I went to a course through work and the woman had us put our hand above our head for 20 mins, which is essentially what kids have to do to hold hands

This is exactly why I used reins on my two. Neither of them were runners/bolters. It was just more comfortable. No hanging arms in the air, no sweating grips in the summer. They had a bit of freedom to move about rather than having to be in lock-step with the hand-holder.

I'm originally from So Cal and they were especially handy for walking around at Disneyland. A child can run out of sight in an instant in those crowds! And when they were in the stroller there was a ring-clip that stopped them from climbing out when my head was turned.

Has he shown confusion about holding your hand?

I'd prefer reins to hand holding if I were looking after someone else's child. Much harder to slip a rein than a hand.

Let her get on with it. It isn't doing any harm.

Just as an aside I’ve never needed to use them until recently, I didn’t know people hated them. The looks and comments I get when DS is wearing them round the shops came as something of a surprise! Luckily he’s my third so I give zero fucks.

"Reins are really awful and I would never use them. It is like walking a dog."

My severely disabled child's backpack reins keep him safe. So nice that you think it's awful that he is kept from walking in front of a car.

When you say ‘he holds hands’ - you probably mean you need to grab it and basically force a grip. Your son clearly does need reigns but you are managing without so far - your mum can’t.

OP...... Jesus Christ people get so defensive on here over perceived slights! I really do not have any problem with reins whatsoever 🤦🏻‍♀️

Also OP...... And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈

Of course people are going to get defensive after that dig

My severely disabled child's backpack reins keep him safe. So nice that you think it's awful that he is kept from walking in front of a car.

I was thinking the same thing about my youngest. Honestly, some people haven’t a clue, have they!

@GrumpyHoonMain

Honestly - he holds up his hand when we walk through the front door to take my hand and waits for me with his hand up for me to hold. That’s why I really don’t want to somehow stop that! It’s like a very big miracle I don’t want it to change 😂😁🙈 But yes of course I cling onto it for dear life due to the reasons everyone has said about toddlers randomly bolting.

This is a very interesting thread.

The Usain Bolt story made me smile!

@WorraLiberty

I explained that comment on a later page. Really not about the reins! More the searching for them to go out (Whcih I haven’t seen myself just imagining from my mother saying)

For people that use the rucksacks, I used to tie a helium balloon to the handle on Dds one if we were going somewhere very busy where she was more likely to get lost, festival, zoo, beach etc. That way if she ever got away I could look for the balloon.

HPandtheneverendingbedtime

(Great Name) - Imagine if everyone did this, would look like the Sims 😂

I have reins. When my first DS was born they were incredibly un PC and virtually impossible to buy which was ridiculous. For me they are a safety essential. Whilst you can encourage a toddler and young child to hold hands there always is the possibility to wriggle free momentarily and either trip and hurt themself (my nephew did this and his teeth went all the way through his Lower lip to the outside requiring plastic surgery), or worse, to run when you are a kerb side and potentially get hit by a car or cause an accident. Children at a young age might be able to learn a habit but are not yet able to understand why. For this reason I used reins. Safety is of course paramount to all parents. My youngest daughter is 2, reins are suddenly much more available again, I can only assume there has been some kind of change in thinking that it is not a form of imprisonment (I realise you dont say this) but they are a sensible measure.
If someone else is looking after a child, especially one who has much less contact than you on a daily basis, the child is measured to them. It is very sensible for them and most importantly for your child's safety that the child is safe. If that is the way the adult feels it is safest, that's important.
Your child is very young to be walking with just hand holding, personally I would be using reins. Thry dont have yo be used like a lead. You can use them held loosely whilst holding the childs hand and only in they try to run do they stop them. I think this also helps them realise running away is a bad idea as they get nowhere. They learn to walk with you almost immediately in my experience

That footage of James Bulger will haunt people forever

As mentioned earlier in the thread Denise Fergus has suffered enough without being dragged into debates about the rights and wrongs of reins. Using her horrific experience as a teaching point is both unfair and cruel as it suggests an element of blame should be apportioned to her. The blame rests entirely with the two people who killed James Bulger.

Hoik

Well said

I used reins, they allow them to be able to balance better and mine liked pushing their dolls. It saved my back too (my DD's were tiny). Maybe it's a bit generational, my DD's are young adults now

'Like a pet'? You mean prevented from having a minor aberration, such as seeing a squirrel or a friend, forgetting all the training/learning about walking nicely and for the first and last time, getting squashed by a van?

If you value a dog enough to not want it killed, why not value a child enough?

One of mine walked perfectly until the day she saw a big puddle and jumped in it. The other one was a flight risk and dropped to the ground in the middle of the road. She got turned into an angry handbag by picking her up by the harness, rather than obstructing the road or getting splatted by a careless driver. I retrieved one toddler from the middle of a zebra crossing - in front of a car (thank fuck I was a fat bastard the driver could see and stop for, as the kid was so small, he was below bonnet sight) because his grandmother couldn't keep up with his 0-instant death sprint in 3 yards.

Unless a GP brings out a choke chain and muzzle, I think it's perfectly reasonable for GM to keep your PFB safe.