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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want mother in law to stay when I've just given birth?

168 replies

Jvx01 · 30/01/2020 10:02

I have a 15 month old son and my second baby is due on 26th May this year. DH is Australian with divorced parents and an adoring mother (aren't they all!?). She usually comes from Sydney to stay with us at least once, usually twice a year for up to a month. We have a pretty good relationship though I find a month of someone staying is just too long. My husband travels a lot for work and is happy for her to stay as long as she likes, as he then doesn't feel guilty about leaving me on my own with a baby for days on end!

ANYWAY. For my son't birth MIL came over to stay when he was around 3 or 4 weeks old. I had him on his due date. Despite telling DH I want to be consulted and have a discussion around dates he is now trying to push me into having her to stay with us from 30th May (4 days after due date) until the end of June. Am I being unreasonable for desperately wanting to say no to this???

I honestly could cry at the thought of someone being there from a few days after birth (or even before if I am overdue). It's such an emotional, hormonal time. Last time I had horrendous stitches and it took me a few weeks just to recover all control 'down there' so to have someone in my house during this time is not appealing. I also think the precious 2 weeks of paternity leave should be just the 2 (4 counting the bubbas!) of us.

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth) and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants. He also claims she will be a great help. AIBU to say I don't want her to come until at least 3-4 weeks after the due date? His parents are divorced and MIL is on her own which makes me feel like a really bad person for not letting her come when she wants as she doesn't have much else going on......

What does everyone think?? What should I do??

OP posts:
Smelborp · 30/01/2020 10:05

Honestly if he said she is entitled to come whenever she likes, I’d move out for the month. Also, when she’s here, he should be too. It’s his mother, why should you get stuck with entertaining?

Dontlikeoranges · 30/01/2020 10:06

Fuck that shit! Do what you feel comfortable doing - you're the one who will have just given birth! I liked my MIL very much but no way would I have had her start for a month!!

HillAreas · 30/01/2020 10:06

She is of course entitled to come to the country. She’s not entitled to impose herself on a woman who has just given birth and needs some space.
I think you are being a lot more accommodating than many DILs would be by suggesting 3/4 weeks after the due dates. I’d frame it as making sure she gets the maximum time with the new baby though. After all, of the baby is 2 weeks over due then she only gets to spend two weeks with it, and those are the initial establishing breast feeding weeks when nobody but mummy will do. So not ideal for her at all. Wink

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/01/2020 10:08

As your DH said his mum can visit the uk whenever she likes- however you DO NOT have to host her. If he’s unlikely to be around much because of work it will fall down to you.

I would be saying the same thing- I don’t want guests just before/after giving birth.

You want to be able to sleep/rest when you can not be worrying about appearing rude to your MIL or entertaining her.

Mossyrock · 30/01/2020 10:10

You will get pages of women saying 'no way' and I agree with them. Show your DH this thread.

If you can afford it, book an airbnb nearby.

Smilingthru · 30/01/2020 10:11

Of course she can come whenever she likes but she not entitled to stay at yours. She can book a hotel or local b&b and have days when she goes off exploring by herself. She doesn’t need to be in your pocket for a month. X

1234512345Meh · 30/01/2020 10:16

Not unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t allow my MIL stay following my sons’ births either. Nothing against her, I like her generally. I just liked the idea of me getting over the birth without someone else in my house. I wanted to walk around in my pants in the middle of the night, take time feeding etc in private.

She booked flights anyway but stayed with a friend for a week. I was happy for her to come round in the day but politely declined any offers of night time ‘help’.

Noshowlomo · 30/01/2020 10:17

YANBU my head was up my arse for a month after having my son. I was grateful for visits from our parents but month long visits... nope! Not from anyone!

frazzledasarock · 30/01/2020 10:18

Can you speak to her directly and ask her not to impose on you at the time of your due date. Tell her you want time to heal and establish breastfeeding then she can come down when you’re ready.

And then tell your DH to make sure he’s around to be with his mum when she comes.

I find it interesting how all these men who work away a lot feel their mothers should come and stay in the family home any time and the wives who are home while suck it up.

Can you tell your DH to take annual leave as your inviting your mother to come stay for a month and you’ll be off on holiday whilst she’s at yours.

Gone2far · 30/01/2020 10:18

YANBU
My mother wanted to stay, and it still rankles with her - decades on - that we said no thanks.

QuarterMileAtATime · 30/01/2020 10:19

Absolutely no way. I was in a similar position but with a far more understanding DP. I put forward two arguments: 1) If she can only come once a year, would it not be better to come when the baby won’t be permanently attached to its mother and maybe even can smile/engage? 2) Immediately after the birth is really not the time to add extra strain on relationships - and by that I mean both DIL/MIL and DW/DH. If it isn’t something you want now, you are far more likely to get to the other side resenting your DH and MIL, even if she’s lovely. A month in your home straight away is way too much.

showmewhatyougot · 30/01/2020 10:19

YANBU, ask your husband to push a golf ball out from his penis, get it stitched back up then host someone for a month whilst dealing with the newborn alone.

It's odd how some men find it appropriate to tell us how we should act and feel after childbirth.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 30/01/2020 10:19

She is your DH's mother, not yours. You don't have to do any 'entertaining' if she comes to visit. Your DH is right in saying that she can visit whenever she wants just as you're entitled to say "Fine, but she isn't staying here." If he wants her to stay, why couldn't she do 2 weeks in a hotel/b&b or an Airbnb and then 2 weeks later with you? That way she gets her month but you have your time with you and your newest addition and your MiL gets to see her newest grandchild before having to leave to travel back to Australia? Your DH does not get to call the shots here and neither does his mother.

You will need to be establishing whatever routine you need to establish while you are on maternity leave and you certainly don't need to be doing that under the watchful eye of your MiL.

This is not a MiL-bashing thread, far from it. This is a 'Why is your DH being such a dope and suggesting this extended visit when you are just going to be post-partum" thread, I would think.

DrManhattan · 30/01/2020 10:19

She can stay in a hotel.

FraglesRock · 30/01/2020 10:23

In this case whilst your dh doesn't have your back I'd message his mum directly.
"Dmil, dh has let me know you'd like to come over after dc is born, we'd love to see you obviously but the dates don't work for me. I need to bond with my newborn, establish feeding and care for my stitches etc. I need to do this as a family of 4. Please make your visit after x date when we'll hopefully be more sorted. "

If she refuses then I'd spend my life in my bedroom with the baby, and seriously not lift a finger.

Drabarni · 30/01/2020 10:23

No, definitely not. You are the one giving birth, your rules.
Tell him if that's what he wants, his mother rather than family then you'll leave them to it and you'll all return when she's gone.
He should feel guilty about leaving you on your own, and should take leave at the beginning anyway.
What's he like usually does he do equal parenting and chores?

CalmdownJanet · 30/01/2020 10:24

She can stay as long as she likes as he then doesn't feel guilty leaving me alone with baby - actually likely means she can stay as long as she likes because he's away and doesn't give a shit what happens because it doesn't effect him.

Yanbu, 4 days is way too soon and as for you being too emotional? Fuck off you absolute tosser

JS5332 · 30/01/2020 10:26

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have always been quite accommodating and easygoing in the past when it comes to his family. I guess a bit of me feels guilty that we are here and his family are in Oz so don't get to see him (and now our children) much. This is what makes me question whether I should make a fuss.

But seeing everyone's replies makes me feel confident I am definitely within my rights to stand up for myself and demand some personal space after having had the baby.

I think I am going to say the earliest I'd like the arrival date to be is 23rd June, which is exactly 4 weeks after the due date. Does that sound reasonable?

theconstantinoplegardener · 30/01/2020 10:27

OP, do you have somebody who can look after your son at short notice when you go into labour? One advantage of having MIL to stay is that she will be right there in your house and presumably happy to spend some one-to-one time with her grandson while you and DH are at the hospital!

LagunaBubbles · 30/01/2020 10:27

If you normally have a decent enough relationship with her then I suspect this is all about your DH and not her. That's where your problem lies.

newbingepisodes · 30/01/2020 10:28

Yeh she can come whenever she wants to the country - and stay in a hotel!
Tell DH to bog right off!

GabriellaMontez · 30/01/2020 10:28

Is your dh an insensitive, selfish, wanker in lots of other ways as well as the ones you've mentioned here?

LagunaBubbles · 30/01/2020 10:29

OP, have you name changed for some reason? Confused

PragmaticWench · 30/01/2020 10:31

Your DH is an utter arse for saying you're 'too emotional about everything', how bloody DARE he criticize how you are around childbirth?! It's you that has to go through it all not him!!

I'd be absolutely firm with him, your MIL is most welcome into your home at a time of your choosing, not his!

BigGreenBaskets · 30/01/2020 10:34

Your husbands being a dick.

Tell him that in July you're off on holiday for a month but your mum will be moving in and will be a 'great help' to him with the kids. See how he likes the thought of that.