To not want mother in law to stay when I've just given birth?

[Jvx01]

I have a 15 month old son and my second baby is due on 26th May this year. DH is Australian with divorced parents and an adoring mother (aren't they all!?). She usually comes from Sydney to stay with us at least once, usually twice a year for up to a month. We have a pretty good relationship though I find a month of someone staying is just too long. My husband travels a lot for work and is happy for her to stay as long as she likes, as he then doesn't feel guilty about leaving me on my own with a baby for days on end!

ANYWAY. For my son't birth MIL came over to stay when he was around 3 or 4 weeks old. I had him on his due date. Despite telling DH I want to be consulted and have a discussion around dates he is now trying to push me into having her to stay with us from 30th May (4 days after due date) until the end of June. Am I being unreasonable for desperately wanting to say no to this???

I honestly could cry at the thought of someone being there from a few days after birth (or even before if I am overdue). It's such an emotional, hormonal time. Last time I had horrendous stitches and it took me a few weeks just to recover all control 'down there' so to have someone in my house during this time is not appealing. I also think the precious 2 weeks of paternity leave should be just the 2 (4 counting the bubbas!) of us.

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth) and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants. He also claims she will be a great help. AIBU to say I don't want her to come until at least 3-4 weeks after the due date? His parents are divorced and MIL is on her own which makes me feel like a really bad person for not letting her come when she wants as she doesn't have much else going on......

What does everyone think?? What should I do??

To the PP saying they've done/would do it, it was a godsend, she can look after DC1 etc, etc, THATS NOT THE POINT! It's not about you, it's about the OP and her not-listening, dismissive arse of a husband.

OP, dig your heels in and say not till you're ready.

Also, having to entertain your MIL means that you have less time available to access YOUR support network. What if you want to go out and meet a friend/family member on your side. Would you feel ok to go or would it feel rude to leave MIL on her own after she has travelled so far to "help you"?

I would say SIX weeks personally. Things are usually calmer by then, plus if you go two weeks late and she comes 4W PDD then you could be two weeks PP when she tips up.

I am suprised of people saying the MIL should stay in the hotel? Clearly you dont have relatives and families living abroad. It is absurd to ask them in a hotel unless they want to.... Way before I married my husband we spoke about oversea visits and I said "my family can come and go as they please and will stay with us". That was a deal breaker for me.

Good grief, @Hannam82, your husband accepted that? Would you accept the same from his family, even if it meant them staying for months at a time regardless of whether, for instance, you might feel unwell or vulnerable having just given birth? I agree that normally you wouldn't expect relatives to stay in a hotel, but if they want to stay too long or at difficult times there may be no alternative.

@Oulu Yes he did because if I need them they can be there for me and noone can stop them. And if he says "I need my parents with me" I wont stop him either.

My point was, this sort of stuff is a negotiation with the other part of that relationship and i think the OP can urge him to have that conversation with his mum if she is not happy at all. But maybe the guy has a point... Someone at home who can look after the child no1 would be good especially when he is away.. she can do the cooking and tidying up. Noone in right mind would expect her to entertain when she just had a baby anyway.

I just find it unreasonable for loads of people to say "she should stay at a hotel, she shouldnt come for couple of months" and things like that. I would want my and my husbands parents to be around when i had the baby... who else will make a cup of tea and let me have a snooze when they watch the baby ??

"But maybe the guy has a point... Someone at home who can look after the child no1 would be good especially when he is away.."

But wouldn't it be up to Op to decide who she wanted to help her (if anyone?)?

I think you only needed that first response really 'Fuck that shit' seems to sum it up.

No no no. My in-laws came to stay (only one night in the end) the day I got home from the hospital. It was an absolute nightmare. I had a horrific birth, lots of stitches, my daughter cried day and night, wouldn’t latch and I’d had no sleep in the hospital. I just sat and cried in my room. It was awful. I ended up Passing out in the bathroom from exhaustion.They left after one night after realising I was a complete mess, but why they thought they’d come straight away I’ve no idea. Never again!!

@Hannam82

I completely get your point, and you sound like a lovely DIL. sounds like you have a great relationship with MIL. Unfortunately not everyone is as lucky/sociable/chilled out as you. I don't mean that sarcastically, even if it sounds it. I would love to reach the level of chill some DIL's possess!

OP has stated she isn't comfortable with MIL being there. Whilst that might not be your experience, OP has asked for help handling the situation. She is not being unreasonable. Some people love the extra help, others are more introverted and would prefer that time to just be the immediate family.

Whilst everyone's feelings must be taken into concern, the mother should always be the first priority. She will be recovering at the very least from a natural birth, possibly has stitches. Worst case scenario she may be recovering from a major surgery. Everyone should respect her wishes. She isn't actually excluding anyone, just requesting they show her some respect and give her the time to heal and enjoy her new born

This subject comes up all the time on mumsnet. Why are some men so inconsiderate after a baby is born? Of course you don’t want people in your house at that time! Put your foot down.

Your dh thinks you're too emotional about childbirth?? I don't think men fully appreciate what women go through physically and emotionally. As understanding as your mil may be, the last thing you need is a houseguest after you've just given birth. She'll be a bigger help a few weeks after when dh has gone back to work.

My rule was that anyone staying with us had to wait a month after birth. I don’t regret that rule at all.

Your husband's views about whether MIL would be a big help or not, are quite irrelevant. If he's not going to be around much after paternity leave, the only help that's actually useful is whatever works for you!

My MIL was largely ok but incessantly offered to 'help' by taking my baby away from me e.g. out for a walk. In the early weeks that just wasn't useful to me. I was desperately working on breastfeeding and because I was so tired, I was anxious about him being out and about without me for too long. I needed people to support me in ways that didn't involve separation from my newborn. Bring cake over, great! Take a breastfed baby out for hours, not great!

I know she felt pushed out but your needs and the baby's needs have to come first. It's an exhausting enough time without worrying about everyone else's emotions.

This happened to me, i ended up 5 days over (2nd child) so they they arrived less than 12hrs of me leaving hospital and DH pissed off for 3hours to collect them from the airport!! (had DD at 8.40pm was discharged at 11pm, he left to get them at 7am)... Booked flights without consulting me, DH didn't see the issue because he was adamant I would give birth before my due date.

THEN...... he pissed off back to work after a couple of days leaving me with them so he could save his paternity leave for when his kids came over. So on effect WE (and I include eldest DD) didn't have anytime alone to adjust going from a family of 3 to 4.

I'm still quite bitter over it all as I blame that as one of the reasons for my PND and not bonding properly!!

I gave in to emotional blackmail and let my own mother stay for three weeks after I had DC2.

It was a total and utter nightmare.

She expected to sit in my feeding chair with my breastfed, sling carried newborn all day and thought I should be grateful she was there "to hold the baby" so I could "get on" with the deep clean of the house, shopping for"nibbly bits" she fancied eating, making her hot drinks and entertaining my toddler two sodding weeks after my cesarean .

She was only prepared to hand the baby back for nappy changing if he stank (she never changed a nappy) and I had to prise him away from her to feed. She made him smell wrong as she wears excessive amounts of strong perfume.

I seriously considered murdering her. As it was I tried to explain how I wanted time with my own baby and help with the house, her keeping my breastfed newborn from me was not helping, it was making me unbearably miserable and interfering with breastfeeding.

She cried. She phoned my father and he phoned me to tell me I was unreasonable.

My relationship with them has never recovered.

She will not be a godsend if you don't want her there.

Don't let it happen unless you want it to, genuinely - which you don't, so no.

Be massively strong on this, it's seriously a relationship breaker - with your husband too if he's pushing you into this. It's such a heightened time it honestly could end your marriage.

Some of these stories are awful! How do these idiotic men manage to put their shoes on the correct feet of a morning when they are so terribly hard of thinking!
Some of you ladies are saints not to have immediately started divorce proceedings!

I was too weak to say I didn’t want my step mother in law and father in law staying after having my daughter. It took me a long time to forgive my husband. Don’t be bullied into hosting your mother in law. Also a month is far too long to be expected to host someone at the best of times, never mind when you’ve just given birth. Stick to your guns.

Yanbu, no way would I be happy with that idea!

The MIL can stay elsewhere, you shouldn't be looking to flee your home under any circs just for some privacy. And I would contact her in advance asap and offer to help her arrange suitable accommodation just to drive the point home. If your DH remonstrates, he can jolly well join her too. Nob.

I'm amazed you're debating this with your dh. Just say 'it's not happening.'
And mean it.
And ring mil and tell her directly that you would love her to visit from the middle of July or whenever you wish.

DH says I am too emotional about everything
Bullshit. What he is actually telling you is that your emotion in this instance is inconvenient to him, so he is going to shut you down by ordering you to either change what you feel or if you cannot do that, stop challenging what he sees as his right to make this decision for both of you.

(particularly around childbirth)
Nice. Perhaps when he can demonstrate pushing a very large melon out of his rectum for several hours if not days without having an emotional response to it, he can have his mother to stay without consulting you. Until then ... can he kindly NOT lecture you about how women 'ought' to respond to birthing a child?

and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants.
Not really the issue is it?
The issue is he feels entitled to lodge her with you while he continues working & travelling, blind to the domestic & emotional load he is putting on you.
The other issue is not hearing you when you say you want him to use his paternity leave being a parent & husband - not a son.

He also claims she will be a great help.
Help is only help when it is helpful. In your case, any 'help' benefit is cancelled by you not actually wanting the helper to stay so soon after the birth.

Stick to your guns OP.
Your birth, your choice.

I am suprised of people saying the MIL should stay in the hotel? Clearly you dont have relatives and families living abroad. It is absurd to ask them in a hotel unless they want to.... Way before I married my husband we spoke about oversea visits and I said "my family can come and go as they please and will stay with us". That was a deal breaker for me.

I’m an immigrant. All my family live on the other side of the world. None of them would dream of assuming they could stay with someone who had recently given birth. Or at all. And I wouldn’t dream of laying down the law to my husband about who does and doesn’t have a free pass to our home. We’re a partnership.

OP, I’m the Australian in my relationship. With my kids my parents booked flights to make sure we had decent time to settle in even if I went overdue (as it happens both were born on their due dates). They arrived when my first was 5 weeks and at 10 weeks with my second (complicated reasons for waiting).

It was bliss. They are great and would be amazing whenever they came but it really was the perfect time - we were settled, we were in a position to go out more and do interesting things, I was pretty much recovered, etc.

And they stayed in a holiday apartment.

Oh my goodness OP, I had a similar situation following the birth of DC2!

My PILs live abroad and DH decided it would be a great idea for them to come to stay for one whole FUCKING MONTH

I really wasn't happy at the prospect of them coming to stay for any length of time at all, even though we have a generally good relationship, they are kind & mainly quite thoughtful

With DC1 I remember enjoying all the visits but the best bit was always when everyone left and it could just be the 3 of us

Anyhow, DH debated/argued this for the final few months before DC2 was born

He was massively offended when I suggested they stay in a local Air BnB type thing

Anyhow, they came when DC2 was1 week old, stayed the month in our living room- we're in cramped 2 bedroom terrace.

I was massively unimpressed with DH but he just could not see my point of view

As a consequence I really felt that we missed out bonding as a new family of 4

DH also went away for work at times during their stay and I just found it so suffocating having people in our home 24/7! I couldn't just collapse on the sofa at 8pm, half naked & watching shit TV

It really upset me that DH didn't take my opinions into account even though I bloody live there and it's my home too

I won't lie, things haven't really been the same since between us, I tried not to hold a grudge but it still really hurts how I felt how he simply put his parents needs & wants before his own wife's

Phew I need a lie down and after that download

Your post triggered a very visceral memory for me, only just over a year ago really

Main point I want to get across- make sure you & DH are in as much agreement as possible, otherwise it will make for LOTS of resentment!

Tell him when he is the one giving birth and potentially having stitches then he can decide who stays and for how long. Otherwise let her stay under the condition he stays too. Takes paternity leave then annual leave until mummy goes home

When we had DD1, my in-laws came to stay for a month. We don't speak the same language. DH was working. DD was 3 months by then and I was recovered, but even then it was too much. MIL sat and held the baby all day, every day and I had to prise her away to feed. HV had told me to feed every 2 hours but MIL clearly thought that was too much and looked at me with googly eyes every time like I was mad. FIL stood and watched while I breastfed, like it was some novelty. (Not in s creepy way, just annoying!) MIL spent all day cooking food that was only to be eaten when DH came home around 7pm. They seemed to expect me to make lunch. I only eat sandwiches for lunch but they only ever eat hot, cooked food. MIL washed all colours at the same time and the clothes were discolored. I could go on forever. I like them and they are lovely people but I still hold a grudge about this.