To not want mother in law to stay when I've just given birth?

[Jvx01]

I have a 15 month old son and my second baby is due on 26th May this year. DH is Australian with divorced parents and an adoring mother (aren't they all!?). She usually comes from Sydney to stay with us at least once, usually twice a year for up to a month. We have a pretty good relationship though I find a month of someone staying is just too long. My husband travels a lot for work and is happy for her to stay as long as she likes, as he then doesn't feel guilty about leaving me on my own with a baby for days on end!

ANYWAY. For my son't birth MIL came over to stay when he was around 3 or 4 weeks old. I had him on his due date. Despite telling DH I want to be consulted and have a discussion around dates he is now trying to push me into having her to stay with us from 30th May (4 days after due date) until the end of June. Am I being unreasonable for desperately wanting to say no to this???

I honestly could cry at the thought of someone being there from a few days after birth (or even before if I am overdue). It's such an emotional, hormonal time. Last time I had horrendous stitches and it took me a few weeks just to recover all control 'down there' so to have someone in my house during this time is not appealing. I also think the precious 2 weeks of paternity leave should be just the 2 (4 counting the bubbas!) of us.

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth) and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants. He also claims she will be a great help. AIBU to say I don't want her to come until at least 3-4 weeks after the due date? His parents are divorced and MIL is on her own which makes me feel like a really bad person for not letting her come when she wants as she doesn't have much else going on......

What does everyone think?? What should I do??

I am so angry on your behalf reading that Turquoisedress! How dare your DH simply overrule you like that at such a time. Unbelievable and I’m not surprised you still feel resentment. He showed you how unimportant your feelings are to him at a time when they should have been a priority.

@Jvx01

Any further discussion with your 'D' H about this?

You are not being unreasonable!!! Tell dear hubby to let F**k off! Unless he is the one squeezing a person from his body or having them ripped out their stomach he has no right to any opinion!!! You will be tired, hormonal and still recovering whether you have a C section or a natural birth. I wouldn't want MIL round either. I would be very firm with this! As a woman she should understand that you won't be up for visitors. You're also still bonding with baby at this early stage which is really important!! When I had my LO I was very adamant with my partner from the beginning that I wanted a few days recovery before having visitors! And that was just a quick visit, not staying for weeks on end! Stick to your guns OP!!! Don't let hubby/MIL or anyone else guilt trip you into something you won't be comfortable with. If they don't like it... Tough shit!!

@Nanny0gg Not yet. DH has been travelling for work this week and not back until late tonight. I've decided I'm going to give him a (final) chance to discuss and be reasonable. I'm hoping he might surprise me! I've decided when the earliest possible date is that I'd be comfortable with and I'm going to stick to my guns on that. If he won't agree I will contacting MIL directly so it's up to him.

Lots of people have said about hotels but I am not wild about that idea. A) she'll still be around a hell of a lot and B) I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her to sod off back to the hotel when I'd had enough of her anyway! So also plan to tell DH that that isn't an option he can use to try and placate me. He needs to man up and tell her she's welcome to stay but when it is convenient for me/us.

Reading other people's stories who this has happened to has given me extra resolve to make sure I stand my ground. I know if this were to go ahead it would have consequences and I'd end up very bitter and resentful.

@PapayaCoconut My partner's family don't speak English, and I don't speak their language. They're lovely, but when they come over I always get my partner to take the time off. That must have been so awkward.

Good for you OP.
Personally I think 6 weeks is reasonable.

Just keep reminding yourself and your husband.....that you will not forgive nor forget him being such a bully about this.

Also OP, mind yourself, his dismissive, disregard for you is a huge Red Flag for me about your relationship. I think it should be for you too.

I hope you are not financially vulnerable to someone who is so dismissive of your needs.

A good man bends over backwards to support and understand a woman giving birth for the first time.

Your husband does not sound like a considerate man.
💐

@SnoozyLou

It was very, very awkward and I've learned my lesson now and would never do this again. at the time, we were exhausted and thought it would be good to have help, but in hindsight, the stress of having them around cancelled out the positive aspects. At one point, they wanted to take the baby for a walk and I thought we were all going out together so I put my shoes on and made for the door... And they closed it on my face. No idea why they thought I'd put my shoes on if I wasn't coming. Just constant misunderstandings.

@Nanny0gg precisely. This is the OP’s wants and desires, no-one else’s. Doesn’t matter how lovely it was for others, the opportunity doesn’t want it and needs to be listened to as the one giving birth.

YANBU! I understand that feeling of... guilt/obligation/whatever because your DH’s family are far away. We’re in the flip situation where I’m the Aussie and my DH is European. I used to feel obliged but no longer. We lived in his country for years by mutual choice. Likewise we then chose to move to Australia. It’s just what people do once they become adults. Move around. His mother has never forgiven me for this of course. So our relationship is basically non-existent.

She recently stayed with us for several weeks and it was torture. It will be years before I entertain that thought again, if ever. Of course, if she had been less of an arsehole to me I might have tolerated her visiting twice a year for a month at a time like you have. But I doubt it. That’s still an awful lot. And even if she’d been the nicest person in the world I wouldn’t ever have wanted her, or anyone else for that matter, staying with us after I had my baby.

Please don’t feel obligated to please everyone but yourself. This is your time with YOUR baby. She’s had her time. If your DH doesn’t get it maybe appeal to her sensibilities. And if neither get it you have a few decisions to make.

Well, I had the conversation and have drawn my line in the sand in regards to the earliest I'm willing to have house guests.

DH told MIL it needs to all be pushed forward. Turns out the whole thing has already been booked! I'm not sure if a) my MIL went ahead and booked without checking the dates or b) DH had given her the impression that she could book whatever dates she wanted. I'm leaning towards b. Either way she emails me fairly regularly (to say thank you for Christmas/birthday cards/gifts etc) so could easily have dropped me an email saying are these dates okay.....

So anyway she's not happy and DH is feeling all guilty. In this situation I would normally capitulate because it makes me feel bad to think of other people upset but taking the advice of MNers and putting myself and my own feelings first for a change!!

taking the advice of MNers and putting myself and my own feelings first for a change!!
Good for you. How disrespectful for whoever it was to just assume, and go ahead and book.

@JS5332 and are they cancelling now or what?

I don’t understand why women put up with men like this. Tell him to jog on and you’re not having anyone in your house while you are so vulnerable. He’s a fucking dick.

I can't believe you had one child with this man let alone two.
He prefers his mothers happiness to yours.
I'm afraid I'd have been gone after the first child, seems like you'll have to suck it up now. Or of course maybe open your eyes to the twat you married.

Well done OP stay strong
I can't get over the "too emotional" comment he really is unbelievable!

Wow what a complete bellend he is being to say she's 'entitled' to come whenever she wants. To the country yes, to your house no!

I agree that pat leave should be for the four of you. I'd like having someone around to help but resident for a month is too much.

Well done on putting yourself first.

Ha! This is like reading my own story. Due in two months and have had a 6 week visit from mum in law essentially imposed on me. I wonder how things panned out with you in the end?
I have managed to negative her staying in nearby accommodation for the first three weeks rather than living with us (although I’m sure she will be here a lot) but I still feel pretty resentful.
My husband says the same in terms of her being a great help and him feeling less guilty about travelling etc but I wish he would realise she isn’t as helpful to me as he seems to think, mainly because I just don’t feel that comfortable around her.