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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want mother in law to stay when I've just given birth?

168 replies

Jvx01 · 30/01/2020 10:02

I have a 15 month old son and my second baby is due on 26th May this year. DH is Australian with divorced parents and an adoring mother (aren't they all!?). She usually comes from Sydney to stay with us at least once, usually twice a year for up to a month. We have a pretty good relationship though I find a month of someone staying is just too long. My husband travels a lot for work and is happy for her to stay as long as she likes, as he then doesn't feel guilty about leaving me on my own with a baby for days on end!

ANYWAY. For my son't birth MIL came over to stay when he was around 3 or 4 weeks old. I had him on his due date. Despite telling DH I want to be consulted and have a discussion around dates he is now trying to push me into having her to stay with us from 30th May (4 days after due date) until the end of June. Am I being unreasonable for desperately wanting to say no to this???

I honestly could cry at the thought of someone being there from a few days after birth (or even before if I am overdue). It's such an emotional, hormonal time. Last time I had horrendous stitches and it took me a few weeks just to recover all control 'down there' so to have someone in my house during this time is not appealing. I also think the precious 2 weeks of paternity leave should be just the 2 (4 counting the bubbas!) of us.

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth) and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants. He also claims she will be a great help. AIBU to say I don't want her to come until at least 3-4 weeks after the due date? His parents are divorced and MIL is on her own which makes me feel like a really bad person for not letting her come when she wants as she doesn't have much else going on......

What does everyone think?? What should I do??

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 30/01/2020 11:56

I simply despair at the complete ignorance of some men. I agree that your asshole husband should be sat down by the midwife and have a biology lessons regarding childbirth, hormones and emotions. How dare he suggest you are too emotional. If he won't man up and tell his intrusive mother to have a bit of cop on and stay away until you are ready for visitors, then you will need to make the call or text her yourself. I've slightly tweaked a pp suggestion - instead of saying 'if we can push the visit back...' just tell her she has to push the visit back. Don't give her an opportunity to negotiate.

MIL - we would love to see you after the baby comes, but the dates suggested are too close to my due date, and there is no way I will be up for any visitors then. You will therefore have to push the visit back a few weeks so that will give me the chance to recover from the birth, and get accustomed to having a toddler and a newborn. I'm sure you appreciate my need for some time to rest and recuperate before your visit. Thanks, @Jvx01**

Molly2017 · 30/01/2020 11:57

It’s a no from me.

Yes she is “entitled” to come to the country whenever she likes. She is not entitled to stay in your home.

Your DH is being an arse.

Ladyks · 30/01/2020 11:57

My mom came over & stayed for 5 weeks when DS was born (he’s 7mo old now) and it was amazing. She did all the laundry/dishes & changed loads of nappies as I was struggling getting on & off the sofa & in & out of bed due to a rough birth. DH only had 1 week off, so I loved having the extra help. When next Bubba is born I’m hopeful she’ll come again, and if not then happy to have my MiL come as long as she’ll help! Even keeping DS entertained while caring for a newborn would be helpful? Guess I’m in the minority though!

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/01/2020 11:58

I agree that you should speak to Mil directly. Am pretty sure she would get it. Your DH is an ass

gerbo · 30/01/2020 12:00

Yes, but surely having your own mother is a different thing to having your mil to stay?

I think I could've been at ease crying, bleeding, leaking milk with your mum but personally I wouldn't with anyone else apart from dh! (Personally we said no to visitors for a few weeks and got in with it as a team.)

Plus you will be negotiating the toddler/baby relationship which is tricky. From me it would be - please find an air B and B.

gerbo · 30/01/2020 12:01

*i could've been comfortable with MY mum, not yours!

BecauseReasons · 30/01/2020 12:02

YANBU. Surely the best judge of whether she will be helpful to you or not is you?

Lowprofilename · 30/01/2020 12:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

LidiaM · 30/01/2020 12:04

Please dont do it !!! stand for yourself . I did this amd I regret it. This is a magical time for both the parents, sibling and the baby , you do not want your mother in law to get into the triangle either.
I remeber when I agreed and my mother in law came, she would literally take the baby whenever she wanted to, if my baby cried she was first to go and take her, I couldnt stand her , she knew better , she would explain that because she had 3 sons shes more experienced ! I lasted 1 week then I told her to go !

Daftodil · 30/01/2020 12:06

I hosted for a week when my DS was born and that was probably too much! A month seems obscene.

However helpful she is, it still means you can't fully relax or just have that 20 minute power nap you desperately need after X sleepless nights. And other little things you still have to consider if hosting, like waiting until your guest is awake before you jump in the shower in case it wakes them, do they need a cuppa, etc etc etc.

Your husband is unreasonable, and has no consequences to this decision. If she comes, he'll be at work so she'll be your problem to entertain. If she doesn't, it's because YOU are being "too emotional" and refusing his mother's wishes. Your DH should be telling his mum "thanks for the offer, but I'd really like the first few weeks to be just the 4 of us until we find our feet with the new routine".

I think MIL is selfish too. She should be self aware enough know that this is an imposition without having to be told.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius 's suggested message is perfect.

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 12:06

@Ladyks Unless you've spent a great deal of time with MIL, the dynamic is likely to be very different from the relationship with your own mother. She may be happy to take over some of the housework, or perhaps OP wouldn't feel comfortable with that. Perhaps MIL is more of a guest that needs to be entertained. Whatever. I think OP had made it clear she doesn't like the idea - and that's fair enough.

Also, I was 10 days late with DS. What if she doesn't give birth on her due date, or needs to stay in, or needs a c section, or any number of variables? It's an added stress I wouldn't want either.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 30/01/2020 12:06

Your Dh is being a selfish prick. He knows its going to be full on with a newborn and your other Dc so he has invited his mother to be there whilst he is on paternity leave to help him out. When in fact she could come after his paternity leave was over so you would have the help. Then he gaslights you by telling you it's your fault. You need to rip him a new one.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 30/01/2020 12:06

@Ladyks that was your mum, bit of a different relationship than you have with your MIL maybe?

timeisnotaline · 30/01/2020 12:08

My pil are in Australia. They were quite clear about what time suited them to visit when I was due my second. I was equally clear that those times wouldn’t suit. They visited at a time that worked for me with my newborn. If my dh had called me emotional I think I’d have demonstrated new heights of emotional that registered on the Richter scale.

NellieEllie · 30/01/2020 12:10

She IS entitled to come to the country whenever she wants.
And YOU are entitled to say who come into your home at any time, but with knobs on when you’ve just had a baby.
Any man who tells his pregnant wife she is being too emotional when she objects to HIS unreasonable demands is being insensitive and manipulative, as well as totally unsupportive of his pregnant wife when she most needs him. He should be ashamed.
If you MIL is a reasonable woman, I’d phone her and explain. If not, tell your husband no.

justgivemewine · 30/01/2020 12:10

Tell him it doesn’t even matter if he thinks you are being emotional. Even if you are, it’s about what you want/need since you are the one having given birth, not about what he thinks you need.

So what if she’s entitled to come to this country whenever.?You are entitled to your privacy.

He doesn’t actually need to understand any of your reasons for not wanting her there, but he needs to accept that you have them and respect them and stop trying to persuade you otherwise.

Selfsettling3 · 30/01/2020 12:15

Getting her to come potentially two weeks after baby’s arrival still sounds too early for me.

Oulu · 30/01/2020 12:27

"Too emotional"??? FFS. He is entitled to judge whether you're too emotional when he has gone through the hormonal rollercoaster of being pregnant, giving birth, and all the rest, and when has coped with the aftermath including potentially stitches, piles, breastfeeding, etc etc. Till then his only role is to support you and his children, and to put his immediate family first.

As for the argument that his mother is entitled to travel to the UK when she wants - yes she is. But she is not entitled to stay in your house at a time when you desperately need not to have extra bodies around. Your husband can pay for an AirBnB if that's his attitude.

Jokie · 30/01/2020 12:27

She's entitled to come here but that doesn't mean she stays at yours. Your husband sounds like he needs to have his "emotions" checked.

No way would I allow this.

Oulu · 30/01/2020 12:36

For goodness sake, don't send texts or emails - even the drafts suggested on here have the potential to be misinterpreted and cause offence. Talk to her, mother to mother, on the phone and sort it all out.

ilikefastcars · 30/01/2020 12:39

Do you have any family Op?
I would be inclined to start packing...

BathroomBaby · 30/01/2020 12:40

No no no no no no no! FFS!

Even if she stays in a hotel she'll still be round everyday. Your needs are totally the priority here. Put your foot down OP x

Ihatesundays · 30/01/2020 12:45

The problem is many men are wearing rose coloured glasses where their mothers are concerned. They think they will come and it will like when they were small and their mothers will come and do everything.
AND it gets them out of doing things themselves.

DH used to say that when MIL came it ‘must be like a holiday for you.’
It really wasn’t. She didn’t do a single solitary thing. I don’t care but it’s more the perception that she was doing things, and I was run ragged.

mummyway · 30/01/2020 12:47

Like another poster said. F that shxt. No way, do not give in you will regret it. Stand your ground woman and demand to have your space after childbirth. What a knob of a man

DudleyWench · 30/01/2020 12:50

Too emotional

My DH said that to me once, and only once when he attempted to invite his parents to stay post birth of DC1, suffice to say, he no longer has any kind of say over anything to do with my births, and at the time was quickly informed that he could either have his parents at home or his wife... and if he chose his parents, his wife wasn’t sure she was ever coming back...

Get your midwife to straighten him out, mine was a god send