To not want mother in law to stay when I've just given birth?

[Jvx01]

I have a 15 month old son and my second baby is due on 26th May this year. DH is Australian with divorced parents and an adoring mother (aren't they all!?). She usually comes from Sydney to stay with us at least once, usually twice a year for up to a month. We have a pretty good relationship though I find a month of someone staying is just too long. My husband travels a lot for work and is happy for her to stay as long as she likes, as he then doesn't feel guilty about leaving me on my own with a baby for days on end!

ANYWAY. For my son't birth MIL came over to stay when he was around 3 or 4 weeks old. I had him on his due date. Despite telling DH I want to be consulted and have a discussion around dates he is now trying to push me into having her to stay with us from 30th May (4 days after due date) until the end of June. Am I being unreasonable for desperately wanting to say no to this???

I honestly could cry at the thought of someone being there from a few days after birth (or even before if I am overdue). It's such an emotional, hormonal time. Last time I had horrendous stitches and it took me a few weeks just to recover all control 'down there' so to have someone in my house during this time is not appealing. I also think the precious 2 weeks of paternity leave should be just the 2 (4 counting the bubbas!) of us.

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth) and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants. He also claims she will be a great help. AIBU to say I don't want her to come until at least 3-4 weeks after the due date? His parents are divorced and MIL is on her own which makes me feel like a really bad person for not letting her come when she wants as she doesn't have much else going on......

What does everyone think?? What should I do??

Well, you've certainly won the thread title for "Most Likely To Get 100% YANBU".

I was tempted (but didn't - honour bright) to click YABU just for that reason.

You probably had 80% of people at the mixture of "AIBU" and "mother in law".

No, you're not being U.

Did you really think you were?

Oooh you’re 102% NBU, OP.

I think your husband telling you he wants her there so you aren’t alone is a sop so that you entertain his mother and he feels like a dutiful son.

Put your foot down OP.

@CalmdownJanet your reply made me LOL! And so true.

This is helpful to read because I want to make sure this is the time I stand up for myself, after years of letting things go and being accommodating.

@QuarterMileAtATime you're so right re extra strain on relationships.

As an aside, DH is excellent at sharing parenting duties when he's in the country and goes above and beyond to do more than his share, encourages me to go off on my own for days/evenings out etc. So he's not all bad ;-)

When it comes to managing situations like this though he is absolutely bloody useless!

@LaMarschallin Not really, I suppose. But you start to question yourself when someone makes you feel like you are. I have a severely overdeveloped guilt complex! Plus there have been situations in the past where I have felt I wasn't being unreasonable but have ended up believing I was.

Making myself sound like a right little doormat here lol!

sorry not time to read all thread. My MIL came to visit for my 3rd baby because i needed help. Who is looking after your 1st born when you go into hospital? Can you get your MIL to help out around the house and give your 1st born a bit of extra attention so you can relax and spend time with your baby and husband? Is it possible for her to spend some time with you/in a B&B and some time elsewhere in the uk travelling?

having two kids is hard work. just thinking you might turn this to your advantage?

In this case whilst your dh doesn't have your back I'd message his mum directly.
"Dmil, dh has let me know you'd like to come over after dc is born, we'd love to see you obviously but the dates don't work for me. I need to bond with my newborn, establish feeding and care for my stitches etc. I need to do this as a family of 4. Please make your visit after x date when we'll hopefully be more sorted. "

If she refuses then I'd spend my life in my bedroom with the baby, and seriously not lift a finger.

THIS!!

Yes, OP - message her directly. This is not fair at all.

Whilst you're arguing about his Mum you may as well insist that she only comes when he is HERE to entertain her - she is coming to see HER SON after all. Why is he inviting her when he's away? Is it a control thing, so he knows what you're up to?

Making myself sound like a right little doormat here lol!

Not at all.

I suspect that when you saw the situation written down you knew you weren't being U.
And I can see that a bit of online affirmation is nice.

I have a much worse MiL story so I'm probably just jealous that MN wasn't around for me to vent on back then

But I also stand by my opinion that any combination of "AIBU" and "mother in law/MiL" will run heavily along the lines of "YANBU".

“As your DH said his mum can visit the uk whenever she likes- however you DO NOT have to host her. “

Exactly my thoughts.

Your health and well-bring comes first in this scenario, not hers.

If she wants to stay then, find a local air BnB she can stay in. You can then be local and on hand when needed, but you don’t have the stress of hosting. Twos company, threes a crowd (excluding dcs).

So his mother comes over and he fucks off on his travels for work, and then has the cheek to give you a hard time for voicing your preference?
Screw him. Tell him you will be bleeding/oozing/running to the loo/whatever other unsavoury physical things will be going on, and you do not want anyone around while that happens.
Make clear that either he contacts her with the visit dates you want, or you will contact her yourself to tell her.

Just contact her. Tell her you're looking forward to her visit but her dates aren't ok. Let's swap them to July or August instead, please. You'll need some time and privacy to recover and get breastfeeding established.

She knows she's welcome, you know you have some time to yourself, job done.

I had a similar situation when I had my baby a few months ago, my MIL did come and stay with us 2 days after I gave birth and it was horrendous for me. I felt awkward, hormonal, guilty, and tbh angry that she came and hijacked it all when I was so vulnerable and ended up upstairs by myself recovering while my husband and MIL fussed over the baby. It's really affected my relationship with her because she saw quite a nuts side of me and I'm still feeling resentful towards her over the whole thing.

I would defo try and put her off a few weeks until you're back to yourself and able for it or you could end up really resenting her, and your husband.

My MIL came for a week or so when DS was just over a month old and it was lovely. She was tremendously helpful. Immediately after the birth though, there was no way I'd have been in a state to have someone else in the house all the time! She and FIL came for a weekend just to see the baby and that was fine, but a month - no chance!

If she stays in a B&B you'll still end up hosting - she won't want to hang about there.

Is your husband going to take paternity leave? I'm wondering whether he's looking to shorten his leave in the knowledge he's leaving you with his mum.

Do/insist on whatever makes you feel most comfortable. If MIL is retired then she can come anytime this year.

@RubyG3112 Thanks for sharing and you have my absolute sympathy and empathy. I can absolutely relate and I know I would feel exactly the same and it's damaging to all relationships concerned.

Thank you, this really helps my resolve to not let it happen!

Your husband is being a selfish prick. You are not emotional at all, he is emotion-less, thoughtless and selfish. Maybe you need a GP or your HV to speak to him because he seems to think being pregnant and giving birth, and all that exhaustion, pain, hormonal upheaval is just....nothing and you should get on with it. He really is an inconsiderate selfish prick.

Text/email/call/write to your MIL directly. If your MIL is a reasonable person (and has gone through childbirth herself), she will understand and won't want to impose. I'd also ask her to stay for 2 or 3 weeks instead of 4. A month is too much imo for anyone, let alone a woman who has just gone through childbirth!

My ex was South African and his Mother and then teenage brother came to stay with us for a fortnight about three weeks after DC2 was born. It was HELL.

I’d had a traumatic birth and haemorrhaged massively so needed blood transfusions, it took me a good month to feel human again. I felt like a zombie most of the time both with that and also the normal exhaustion of a newborn. She expected meals to be cooked for her, drinks to be made for her and basically H and I to be her skivvies. When she left I don’t think I have ever quite felt relief like it. She emailed H about a week later to say she was ‘disappointed’ he did most of the cooking and drink making and that I should be doing more to help . He didn’t speak to her for about a year after that, bloody witch!

Anyway, sorry for the anecdotal tale but I wish I’d have put my foot down and said no and you should do the same. You might not have even given birth by the time she arrives for heavens sake, the last thing you need is her in your home when you’re in your raw postpartum state.

He is being selfish. Of course he wants her there then. He doesn’t want the hassle of saying no to her. He will be freer of responsibility at a difficult time, because she’ll take that over from him. If he has to go away, he’ll feel good that she’s there so you can’t complain that you have too much to do.
So many men are like this, and it’s so easy for them to make out you’re being difficult, when you’re really not.
I’m annoyed on your behalf.

Check with your husband when he's not going to be working away from home and invite her when he's around.

Tell your DH to grow the fuck up. You don't need extra stress around the time you give birth.

Ridiculous situation for your partner to put you in, honestly, if he were going in for major surgery and recovery, would he want your mother being around during and after? I say this as someone who ended up with double incontinence for a time after my (fairly traumatic but no warning) birth, and it took months to physically recover, it's a long time ago now but only recently ok down there, and establishing bf was hell at the same time! You don't need extra pressure!

Not unreasonable at all. I have the same situation with my MIL. She's widowed and comes to stay with us for 4 months of the year from overseas.

We're currently planning 2nd child and had a very frank conversation about her staying. I said point blank the first 3 months she's not staying with us. If she decides to visit the UK during that time (as is her right) then she will need to arrange alternative accommodation with DH's brother.

I also told her this so there could be no miscommunication. She is well aware that should we have a second child she will need to stay elsewhere. Talking to her directly about it was the best move... I very rationally explained my reasons and made it clear I was not excluding her as she could still visit weekends and stay overnight if desired. She's not unreasonable so she got it.

99% of the problem was DH. He was adamant we (ie HE) needed is mummy for 'help'. Because it's his relative he doesn't realise how bloody inconvenient it is having a guest in your home. Especially when they get to swan off to work and leave us to host. Even the nicest person gets on your tits when you have to live with them... Add in a new baby and it's a recipe for disaster.

Maybe consider speaking to MIL directly. Make it clear you are not excluding her but that you need the initial time to heal, set routines, establish feeding etc. Take your DH out of the decision making process and agree it between the girls. Make it clear that you would love for her to come after XX weeks though so you don't end up as the bad guy.

Just no. Be strong on this one. 99% of MN agree with you!

Yeah I was bit 'too emotional'' when 4 days after the birth of my second child I had to be taken for an emergency perinatal appointment for PND and anxiety!!! I couldn't even cope with my own mother visiting my house let alone my MIL - he has no idea what your recovery will be.

This screams that he doesn't want to be looking after the toddler whilst your catching up on sleep/feeding newborn/bleeding profusely.

What a dick!

Tell your DH that you need to be his priority at a vulnerable time and his paternity leave is to support you and your children not to let his mother do everything. If she absolutely has to come then book a nice air bnb. You need to stand firm, you'll have to just pushed a tiny human out not him. His behaviour is gob smackingly selfish

YANBU; of course you should be listened to and consulted, however I would ask you if you have someone around to help you weeks 3/4? (After he's finished paternity)
My MIL has been a blessing post section and has mainly been entertaining our 19 month old and helping out with housework. This gave us the opportunity to take our time with the new baby, and round robin napping with 1to1 with each child.

Too emotional around childbirth?
All the lols for that little gem!

YANBU. My husband’s parents are overseas and when DS was born I said absolutely no way to visitors for at least a month. They too like to stay for 3+ weeks at a time.

He works away so you’re stuck with the burden of his mother. No matter how good your relationship with her it’s still an imposition.

He’s being a twat.