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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want mother in law to stay when I've just given birth?

168 replies

Jvx01 · 30/01/2020 10:02

I have a 15 month old son and my second baby is due on 26th May this year. DH is Australian with divorced parents and an adoring mother (aren't they all!?). She usually comes from Sydney to stay with us at least once, usually twice a year for up to a month. We have a pretty good relationship though I find a month of someone staying is just too long. My husband travels a lot for work and is happy for her to stay as long as she likes, as he then doesn't feel guilty about leaving me on my own with a baby for days on end!

ANYWAY. For my son't birth MIL came over to stay when he was around 3 or 4 weeks old. I had him on his due date. Despite telling DH I want to be consulted and have a discussion around dates he is now trying to push me into having her to stay with us from 30th May (4 days after due date) until the end of June. Am I being unreasonable for desperately wanting to say no to this???

I honestly could cry at the thought of someone being there from a few days after birth (or even before if I am overdue). It's such an emotional, hormonal time. Last time I had horrendous stitches and it took me a few weeks just to recover all control 'down there' so to have someone in my house during this time is not appealing. I also think the precious 2 weeks of paternity leave should be just the 2 (4 counting the bubbas!) of us.

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth) and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants. He also claims she will be a great help. AIBU to say I don't want her to come until at least 3-4 weeks after the due date? His parents are divorced and MIL is on her own which makes me feel like a really bad person for not letting her come when she wants as she doesn't have much else going on......

What does everyone think?? What should I do??

OP posts:

icannotremember · 30/01/2020 11:18

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth)

I would show my DH 'emotional' if he made a comment as stupid as that.

and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants

Not entitled to stay in your house whenever she wans though.

Tell him. And tell her, too- if she's a half decent person she will understand and not want to upset you.

INeedNewShoes · 30/01/2020 11:18

Also, it will be much better for EVERYONE to have the awkward conversations before and stop this happening rather than think you have to say yes to avoid upsetting anyone and then struggling with MIL once she’s here.

I had one visitor insist on coming to stay and I ended up telling them to leave and that was after a couple of days of me finding the situation very stressful. And far from them being helpful it actually removed help from me because my mum who was staying (at my request) to help me ending up diverting her attention to host this other relative rather than being available when I needed her.

readingismycardio · 30/01/2020 11:18

So she basically lives with you 2 months out or 12. No way I'd accept that or her coming when you're an emotional mess. YANBU, OP, and set boundaries

HermioneWeasley · 30/01/2020 11:20

Is he normally a selfish clueless bellend, or is it just when you’re creating life?

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/01/2020 11:21

I can't believe you are happy with her staying for 2 months a year. My MIL is lovely but I would cry at the very thought of that.

LaMarschallin · 30/01/2020 11:21

99% of MN agree with you!

Only 99%?

I was joking when I said I was tempted to click on YABU, honestly.

bluebell34567 · 30/01/2020 11:22

2 times each 1 month a year, too much. i wouldnt be able to take that.
its not your problem if she is alone.
dont accept it and take the matter to your hands.
your husband is very annoying.

Xyzzzzz · 30/01/2020 11:23

Depends are you expected to host? Or will she actually be helpful? Yes it’s a long time I agree.

CatkinToadflax · 30/01/2020 11:26

Completely agree that you’re NBU. Is she likely to be helpful though? My mum was an absolute legend after I’d had a c/s with DS2. MIL, on the other hand - who I should add is awesome and extremely helpful these days - back then was the sort of person who expected me to halt breastfeeding to make her a cup of tea, and then hand me the dirty cup to wash up when she was finished (and I was inevitably still breastfeeding).

Would your MIL be some much needed help and support when your DH is away? Or just a PITA?!

BlueJava · 30/01/2020 11:27

YANBU, I totally get that you'd like to be just the 4 of your after you've just had your second child. That's a lovely time that anyone should look forward to. Personally I wouldn't want someone staying and intruding on that family time. I'd be asking him why he doesn't see that time as special to create bonds for the 4 of you.

After those 2 weeks of leave, yes of course his DM can come, he is right she is entitled to be in the country. But she isn't entitled to stay at your house unless you feel entirely comfortable with that. How about a nearby hotel or Airbnb? Plus you only have to have her if he's around to entertain her and you want her there. The argument will be that she will help - however you have to feel comfortable with that and for many the "help" means holding the baby, which is actually for you to do!

Is he usually this unreasonable?

Thelnebriati · 30/01/2020 11:28

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth)

Thats really shocking.
Have a midwife explain the reality of it to him. You are not in control of your emotions during pregnancy, labour, or until your hormones settle down after recovery.
He can duck out of reality, you can't.

Echobelly · 30/01/2020 11:29

I think it'd be totally reasonable to tell him that yes, after birth is a very emotional time, and although you like MIL just fine, you want and need more privacy and space just after the birth to be messy and bleedy and hormonal, which would be awkward and embarrassing with someone else around. Also you don't know what new baby will be like and you need some time to adjust to that.

Motoko · 30/01/2020 11:32

Ugh, men like this make me angry. You can bet if it was them who gave birth, they'd put their foot down if you suggested having your mother to stay straight after.

OP, you've name changed, so your posts are not highlighted. A lot of posters will miss your other posts.
Don't let him make you feel that you're the unreasonable one. He has no right to dismiss your feelings, as he is not the one carrying his child for 9 months, and going through everything that giving birth throws up. Even if you have the easiest birth, you'll still need time to recover and get into a routine. YOU are the boss here.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/01/2020 11:34

I agree with the previous posters who have suggested you talk directly to your MIL - and cut out your unhelpful dh!

"MIL - we would love to see you after the baby comes, but the dates suggested are too close to my due date, and there is no way I will be up for any visitors then. If we could push the visit back a few weeks, that will give me the chance to recover from the birth, and get accustomed to having a toddler and a newborn. I'm sure you appreciate my need for some time to rest and recuperate before your visit. Hugs, @Jvx01".

Jellybeansincognito · 30/01/2020 11:38

Your dh sounds awful. I’d honestly be wondering if I want to be continue the relationship at all if this happened to me.

His mothers feelings come before yours even when you’re vulnerable.

paintfairy · 30/01/2020 11:39

Hell no! I'd not want my own mother there a month, never mind DHs. Baby or not. 😂

I love my own space. I mean, if you are the kind of person that doesn't mind and would love help/company, then fine. Otherwise-nope.

My DHs mother lives in another country. We got married last year. She came over for a month nearly (mostly before). We were both working right up to the wedding. I categorically said thay no way was she staying with us. I was stressed enough. Luckily she stayed with other family. But there times when people need to realise you don't want people just dumping themselves on you.

bluebell34567 · 30/01/2020 11:40

your dh is patronizing.

Mamabear12 · 30/01/2020 11:45

I would say no way! This was the same issue w my dh during Xmas (I was due to give birth a few days before). His family wanted to come for xmas. I said no way. As we would be expected to host and even if they cooked the food etc. I wanted to focus on newborn and not entertaining people!

I did have my own mother come though, as she is helpful. Of course my MIL is helpful too, but it’s stressful for me as my dh gets all stressed about the house being tidy and perfect at all times when she comes! 😡

I would perhaps compromise and have her book tickets for 2-3 weeks after the due date so it’s when your dh returns to work.

JS5332 · 30/01/2020 11:46

@Davespecifico You are so spot on it's ridiculous!

JustHarriet · 30/01/2020 11:46

Your emotions are on point. Your head may be telling you to accommodate your MIL because of guilt and possibly pressure from your DH but your wanting to cry is saying 'enough is enough!' It seems like you are having exactly the right emotional reaction for you in this situation, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Since your emotions are so helpfully allowing you to be clear about your preferences, how about checking in with them on the date your MIL comes? Sit with the dates and see which one pops up as feeling comfortable for you rather than making you want to cry.

As it's your house, and you giving birth, breastfeeding baby and recovering from birth, you know what suits you. In this instance (and lots of other instances) what suits you is what is best for your family. It's not going to do your kids any good having you feeling resentful about your MIL and crying while she is here.
If you have been very accommodating with your MIL up until now this conflict was going to happen at some point. If you give in this time there will be a next time and a next and you'll end up constantly compromising. It is much harder to turn the ship around the more times you compromise and you're making yourself less important than everyone else in the process.
imo the best way through is to tell DH you have thought about it and decided these dates will suit you. He can express his upset to you, but he needs to communicate with MIL these are the dates that will work for your family. Let go of any guilt, this is your life and your kids' lives, you get one shot at it, and you need be strong about looking after yourself. Standing up for yourself is looking after your family - it won't be the last time you need to do this so you may as well start practicing now.
Hope this is helpful!

HalfSiblingsMadeContact · 30/01/2020 11:48

I can't bear to read the whole thread but have to post.
Insist your husband arranges books and pays for alternative accommodation for her NOW. Don't accept any excuses or I'll do it laters or anything else. You need this for your own sanity.

I'm getting flashbacks already. (our situation was more complicated as mil failed to liaise with my own mother despite them living in the same city; husband repeatedly was told yes your suggestion to book accommodation nearby is excellent please arrange it - then didn't; ended up 2 weeks overdue, mil arrived that day, husband thought we had plenty of room for them both to stay. Our spare room was also our study, we had an air mattress in there and a sofa bed in the living room. low point was realising that the vegetables my mother was blanching and freezing for me to use for quick meals, were being gratefully used by mil)

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 11:51

Nope. That would be a no from me. As for the "too emotional" comment, let him push a watermelon through one of his orifices and see how emotional he feels. I'd even offer to help him.

No.

MzHz · 30/01/2020 11:54

If she “doesn’t have much else going on in her life, she can come over later in the year when your routine is more established.

Tell dh that the answer is an absolute no until at least a month after the new baby is here.

He is treating you appallingly in this!

JS5332 · 30/01/2020 11:54

Thanks so much @JustHarriet So needed to hear that.

MzHz · 30/01/2020 11:56

No flights booked yet are they?

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