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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want mother in law to stay when I've just given birth?

168 replies

Jvx01 · 30/01/2020 10:02

I have a 15 month old son and my second baby is due on 26th May this year. DH is Australian with divorced parents and an adoring mother (aren't they all!?). She usually comes from Sydney to stay with us at least once, usually twice a year for up to a month. We have a pretty good relationship though I find a month of someone staying is just too long. My husband travels a lot for work and is happy for her to stay as long as she likes, as he then doesn't feel guilty about leaving me on my own with a baby for days on end!

ANYWAY. For my son't birth MIL came over to stay when he was around 3 or 4 weeks old. I had him on his due date. Despite telling DH I want to be consulted and have a discussion around dates he is now trying to push me into having her to stay with us from 30th May (4 days after due date) until the end of June. Am I being unreasonable for desperately wanting to say no to this???

I honestly could cry at the thought of someone being there from a few days after birth (or even before if I am overdue). It's such an emotional, hormonal time. Last time I had horrendous stitches and it took me a few weeks just to recover all control 'down there' so to have someone in my house during this time is not appealing. I also think the precious 2 weeks of paternity leave should be just the 2 (4 counting the bubbas!) of us.

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth) and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants. He also claims she will be a great help. AIBU to say I don't want her to come until at least 3-4 weeks after the due date? His parents are divorced and MIL is on her own which makes me feel like a really bad person for not letting her come when she wants as she doesn't have much else going on......

What does everyone think?? What should I do??

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 30/01/2020 12:51

Just adding to the chorus of no fucking ways. A month is such a long time to have a house guest as well

Laserbird16 · 30/01/2020 12:53

All those who are giving birth are entitled to dictate the terms of hosting visits.

Really your DH should just listen and agree to whatever you say. If you will only entertain company if they wear fuschia then he should say 'of course my love'.

He isn't listening to your needs and that's the problem.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 30/01/2020 12:56

What?! This really jumped out at me. What do you mean by this, OP?

Plus there have been situations in the past where I have felt I wasn't being unreasonable but have ended up believing I was.

Between this at his bullshite about you being too emotional, I’m concerned he may not be as nice as you’re trying to say. Is he the one that’s convincing you that you’re the unreasonable one? Would you mind elaborating on what you mean, please?

Quirrelsotherface · 30/01/2020 12:58

YANBU but you should have said 'aren't WE all?' when referring to adoring mothers, after all you are one yourself.

Chinks123 · 30/01/2020 12:58

To be honest from what you’ve said, your dp sounds like an absolute selfish arrogant arse. Too emotional around childbirth?! You should be his main priority and he should be trying to make you feel comfortable, he doesn’t sound like he cares about your opinion what so ever. His mum is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants Confused yes I agree but you’re entitled not to have her stay in your home for a month. I love my mil but a month is too long for anyone! I wouldn’t even have my own mum for that long, and definitely not just after having a baby.
Put your foot down or honestly, my first reaction like the first poster was to say move out for a month. Or better yet kick him out for a month and his mum can go stay with him!

Clymene · 30/01/2020 12:59

No fucking way.

JackMummy12 · 30/01/2020 13:09

Who wants anyone staying with them after having a baby let alone their MiL, it’s not a time to be entertaining is it?!

When I had my DS naturally it was so painful to pee I would hold it in all day and scream when I pee’d! With my DS I had an infection 2 weeks after having him (C section) I can’t think of anything worse than having had people in my home at that time.

You are in charge, it’s your body and your post partum journey. He’s an asshole to tell you what’s going to happen!

bringincrazyback · 30/01/2020 13:10

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth)

Good grief, is he normally this invalidating, OP??

You're the one who will be giving birth and your wishes on this should be respected. I think your MIL and DH are being really thoughtless and selfish. (And as for 'help' - I think in these scenarios the stress of having a guest often cancels out any practical help they may be able to offer, tbh.)

Also, I think I'd go certifiably insane after a month of any guest, however nice they were. I get that she has a long way to travel but a month is too long imho.

Branches1 · 30/01/2020 13:11

Noooo you are not being unreasonable! Not a good time at all for house guests even if they are family. A minimum two week wait after the birth (ideally longer).

My inlaws came to see our first baby after two weeks, which felt a bit early to me. They stayed in a hotel around the corner which was thoughtful, however they did expect me to be out and about quite a bit for lunches etc, and being a new mum recovering from a c section this was not ideal, but it definitely worked.

Clymene · 30/01/2020 13:11

It very much sounds as if your husband is using his mother as a parenting proxy - that he doesn't have to parent if his mum is there. But you didn't marry her, you married him.

How much has his life changed since you had kids I wonder?

PapayaCoconut · 30/01/2020 13:22

Tell your "D"H it might be the end of your good relationship with MIL if he pushes for this to happen.

And as for his comment about being "too emotional"... Come back when you've given birth, mate. Then we'll fucking talk.

tenlittlecygnets · 30/01/2020 13:24

H says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth) and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants.

Is he normally so dismissive and unsupportive?? He should be putting YOUR wishes ahead of his mother's wishes!

Is he a good dad?

Get your midwife to straighten him out, mine was a god send
Is that really part of a midwife's role??

Hannam82 · 30/01/2020 13:26

I am suprised of people saying the MIL should stay in the hotel? Clearly you dont have relatives and families living abroad. It is absurd to ask them in a hotel unless they want to.... Way before I married my husband we spoke about oversea visits and I said "my family can come and go as they please and will stay with us". That was a deal breaker for me.

You need to think how you would feel if it was your mum? I know it is not the same but the principle stands... perhaps she may come a week or 2 later? But if this is your second child, then perhaps she can take care if the first one? I am sure it will help... wish someone would be here for me when it is my time... any mum will help MIL or my own.

Troels · 30/01/2020 13:28

YANBU.
My own mother waited and came to visit for a month (5000) miles only once my Ds was 8 weeks old. She'd boked for 5 weeks after my due date but he was a little earlier.
Worked out really well, we had settled well as a family and I was healing from my C-section. Stick to your guns OP you aren't being emotional.

IdblowJonSnow · 30/01/2020 13:30

God no.
What an arse your husband is. 4 weeks is early. I'd go for when baby is 2 or 3 months?
My in laws are ok and excellent with their grandkids but really over imposed with both our babies. I still secretly hate them a bit for that.
It's not your husband who will have given birth. He doesn't get to say how you feel or how you should feel.

Graphista · 30/01/2020 13:44

Infuriated me when a MAN tries to tell a WOMAN how she SHOULD feel around anything that only a WOMAN can experience!

When HE gives birth HE can say what happens regarding HIS mother visiting!

What an arse!

Put your foot down while you’ve the energy/will to do so it will be much harder the closer it gets to/immediately following birth.

Even though it’s your second there’s no telling how it will go, PLUS you have another child to care for now too.

I liked my ex mil, she’s a lovely lady but NO WAY would I have coped with her staying with me for a month immediately after giving birth! I wouldn’t even let my mum visit at that time (ex army we weren’t near home) she’d have driven me nuts though! We have a complicated relationship.

I spent the first 6-8 weeks pretty much living in pj’s and dressing gown, napping when dd did and feeding what felt like the rest of the time and when I wasn’t feeding I was leaking from somewhere! I’d had an emcs, dd was in scbu 10 days, and I’d been very ill too. We were VERY much recuperating and slowly establishing a routine. No way I’d have coped with house guests.

The best time imo for house guests after a baby is around the 3-6 month stage when babies are more awake but mum is knackered! Then the guests can deal with baby and mum can get a bit more rest, this was when we saw the grandparents and meant they were able to get lots of cuddles without me feeling bereft and I caught up on sleep while they took baby for walks in the pram, took millions of smiley pics of her dressed in the most ridiculous outfits, and bugged her with noisy toys. 😂...while I slept! Or had a long bath!

Grandparents loved this time, I think there would have been difficulties during the stage where I needed to feed constantly and she was still very poorly and I was reluctant to even let her dad take her out my sight.

In addition when HIS mother is visiting HE needs to be present too and not leave it all to you.

GabsAlot · 30/01/2020 13:46

Of courswe she can come its a free country just stay somewhere else

who is he to say shes entitled-you do just turn up when u feel like it

alright for him isnt it

PapayaCoconut · 30/01/2020 13:48

You need to think how you would feel if it was your mum?

Plenty of women wouldn't want that either. Mine had to come help with our eldest and I'm so very grateful she did, but she also drove me up the wall with her helplessness and opinions.

diddl · 30/01/2020 13:49

What should you do?

Well, I'm very tempted to say leave him.

He sounds bloody horrible.

Of course she can fly over whenever she wants-doesn't follow that she stays with you though-especially if he won't be there!

Have you told him that you would rather be alone with a toddler & newborn that with MIL?

diddl · 30/01/2020 13:55

Must something be booked now?

Can't you wait & see?

billy1966 · 30/01/2020 14:10

OP, a good man would not do this to a pregnant vulnerable woman.

He sounds like a dismissive bully.

Great advice above.

I would also add that there is something about the emotions you feel around the time you give birth to your children that you hold on to.

In my experience speaking to women, they don't let go of annoyances that they felt around that time if they were imposed upon, disrespected, not supported.

These emotions are terribly damaging to a marriage.

It sounds as if you have been dismissed and gaslighted before by your husband.

Yours does not sound like a healthy marriage.

He doesn't sound like a kind man.

Be careful.
Think hard about having more children with someone who is so controlling of how you feel.....even after giving birth. Awful🙄

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 30/01/2020 14:31

I had my baby abroad and I told my OWN mum not to come for 6 weeks!

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 30/01/2020 14:32

...and my mum was a piece of cake to live with.

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 15:59

My MIL lives overseas. She wanted to come around the due date of our 1st child. The problem is, you can never be sure how it will play out.

I was 10 days late and had a c section with a 10lb 5 baby, and trust me, by the end, I could have cheerfully murdered anyone in close proximity. These are not moments I'd care to share with extended family.

Anyway, he asked a few months before the due date. I said no, because I'd been dutifully been reading my baby book, and it said something along the lines of tell everyone to fuck of for the first month.

And I can't fault that advice - I wouldn't have wanted someone staying for a single night in the first fortnight.

Daftodil · 30/01/2020 16:08

If DH knows it will be emotional, why would he want to add to that? I sporadically burst into tears for the first few weeks after having my DC. DC cried pretty much non-stop for 12 weeks, had tongue-tie and a poor latch causing blisters and bleeding from my nipples, I'd had a blood transfusion and was having to give myself daily injections and drink lots of vitamin c to help my body absorb the iron supplements I was taking, which then made my wee really acidic which would upset my unhealed stitches. Emotional? Yes, it is bloody emotional and the last thing you want is an audience when this is going on! MIL should understand that even if DH doesn't.