To expect husband to keep helping with housework until its all done in the evening and we can sit down to relax together?

[disneybee]

My husband works pretty much full time hours (but across several jobs, so not much routine at all) while I look after our two young kids at home and do most of the work for the small business we run from home. I also used to freelance from home, but stopped because childcare was costing so much. I now predominantly look after the kids, and do all the food shopping, cooking and laundry.

DH comes home from work just after the kids' teatime most days. Usually showers, eats the dinner (that I cook every day) and then helps with cleaning up, dishes, getting the kids to bed, tidying up. But there's always a point like around 8:30pm / 9pm when he announces he's "had a good blast, going to put my feet up now." and he'll put the telly on. Meanwhile I am usually still finishing stuff off, hanging up a new load of laundry, and folding / putting away the laundry that's been drying all day. I really resent this last hour or so of work when he seems to think it's fine that I am still doing housework whereas he is relaxing. Any time I bring up my resentment of this - my core deep down resentment is that he puts his own needs first, and doesn't act particularly caring or protectively of me - it turns into a massive argument about how he works all day while I get to stay at home with the kids. AIBU to be pissed off at him?? Every time the housework is finally done and I can sit down to relax and its 10pm and I have to choose between some down time, or going to bed to get enough sleep before doing it all over again? Nb our youngest is not a great sleeper so I don't often get a full night's sleep either 😑

I know I've made it in life when I finally have a dishwasher! I'm 39 and have never owned one!! My kitchen has always been too small! With two kids (and another in the way) it's a good job myself and OH share the washing up

We didn't own a tumble dryer either for four years, but now have a little shed so we fit it in there.

We both work ft but we're always sat down together by 9pm at the very latest. Majority of the housework is done at weekends.

Out of interest...anybody else in the world not own a dishwasher?!!

I’m with him. 9pm is clocking off time.

RainMinusBow
Out of interest...anybody else in the world not own a dishwasher?!! shock

Me. I live in Australia and I rent. None of the rentals I can afford have had a dishwasher and the only portable dishwashers are small bench top ones that wouldn't fit much in it. How I wish we had those full sized portable dishwashers on caster wheels that I have only seen on the internet and not available in Australia I would absolutely buy one.

Oh, and I'm with your husband on this one. You've got to knock off at a reasonable time. Check out the organised mum method and see if you can improve your time management. www.theorganisedmum.blog

Stop being a martyr and put the TV on for 20 mins when you sort the washing.
I'd be fucking if I worked more than one job, came home and was doing the housework when my oh had been home all day. You need to let your kids entertain themselves for short periods

I'm a SAHM and my DP works 40+ hours a week and I'd be thrilled if he did as much your DH did. He does help when asked but he wouldn't just use his inactive to help if you get what I'm saying. But once the kids are in bed (between 8 and 9) I'm done for the day and so is DP.

How do others manage to clock off at 8? When my kids are in bed that's when my jobs start. I'd love to hear from others.
I work full-time so assuming that's the reason?

People who sit down at 7:30 seem to have kids that eat anything so they all eat at the same time, kids that go to bed very early, hardly any laundry - what about sports etc? Also no dog to walk in the evening!

The OP doesn’t have a dog or kids at school doing sports though, does she?

I can understand why your evening is eaten up if both of you work full time but I would never be eating at 9pm.

Counter top dishwashers are half the size of regular dishwashers and definitely worth the loss of counter space - I wouldn't still be married without mine!

If I'd been working all day, came home, helped with the kids and did housework, I would absolutely want to be done by 9pm. It's entirely unreasonable of you to reflect him to have virtually no time to put his feet up, and if I had a SAHP I'd be hugely annoyed if I want allowed to relax by then.

I've been a SAHM with little kids, and my days were nothing like as chaotic as you make yours sound. You need to get a grip, to be honest.

Oops, sorry. Somehow missed your update

How long can you spend in the park though? I do one - two loads of washing a day and spend maybe ten minutes in the evening if I haven't finished off the folding. My kids go to the park every day, we walk the dog, we take the eldest's bike out, we go swimming/gymnastics/cafe etc etc. My house is basically tidy 15/20 minutes after bedtime.

I'm not at all good at house work so that's not some kind of boast, it's just really very possible to get the kids out and about without spending three hours a day on housework after bedtime. I don't spend time on my hair or make up in the day though. Hair up, no make up, off we go.

Well. I'm sahp to 3 very young kids. Dh works full time. He works, and I do ABSOLUTELY everything else. The cooking, cleaning, school runs, bathing, bedtimes, tidying up, washing up, shopping, everything. He comes home from work, eats food that I've made and sits down. So it's me on the go till they're all in bed and jobs done. But I'm usually done by 9pm latest. I'm quite jealous that your dh helps!

@bobstersmum but it’s not ‘helping’. It’s just stuff that needs doing when you live in the same house. There’s no reason why your DH can’t be involved with bath and bedtime. In fact it’s a good opportunity to spend some time with the DC.

My DH comes home and cooks, or I’ll cook then one of us clears up whilst the other sorts the DC out for bed. Then we do bedtime together (I work part time btw). It’s certainly not my job to do it all.

I teach PT and have four DC, I don’t think I’ve ever stayed up until 10pm cleaning. I worked FT until DC4 was born and always managed to slot laundry and cleaning in with everything else. If you think about it, machines do most of the work nowadays if you have a tumble dryer and dishwasher so it’s mostly just a case of loading and reloading. I tend to clean as I go do mess doesn’t accumulate.

When my kids are in bed that's when my jobs start.

Therein lies the problem. If you clean as you go you don’t have masses of jobs to catch up on. I wipe the worktops down as I cook rather than leaving everything all over the worktops (which is my DH’s approach and it just creates a massive clean up after dinner). I also load things into the dishwasher as soon as they’re finished with. I sweep and mop the floors most days (hard flooring) which is honestly a 5/10 minute job. Laundry is done every other day but with a dryer the biggest job is folding and putting away. My older three are at an age now where they put their own washing away which helps. We tend to have a big clean at the weekend, maybe spend an hour or so all mucking in.

No way would I be tidying until 10 pm I am on mat leave ATM have 3 DC everything gets done during the day then when do gets in it's all done he helps out on his days off we are on the couch relaxing from around 5/6 pm .

We're a house of 4. Kids at school do a bit easier but 8 yr old still wakes 4/5 times a week (not a good sleeper) and DH and I both work ft. DH is self employed so works long erratic hrs. My son plays academy football 5-6 evenings a week.

All the above and I put a wash on maybe once in the week and twice at weekend. Tumble dry and into basket for ironing lady. But we don't have a cleaner. There is no way I would be cleaning and washing in the evening. Sod that. Life too short.

I have a precious childfree three hours today so will be cleaning the house. That doesn’t include laundry or cooking. Tonight once the kids are in bed I will need to put away all the laundry and catch up on all the shit I didn’t do because I spent three hours cleaning.

How are people’s houses tidy 15 minutes after bedtime???? It takes 15 minutes to tidy one room! Plus the never ending laundry (I need to do at least one load a day). Then I usually have to tidy up dinner which takes half an hour. That is if I have even eaten anything yet.

It takes at least 15 minutes to fold and properly put away a full load of laundry for a start.

Plus there is no way I would be apologising to my DH for being stroppy about sitting down when I was still running round doing jobs. I don’t sit down in the evenings until at least 9:30 except to eat my tea as quickly as possible.

MrsArchchancellor surely your son has a huge amount of football kit that needs washing though?

I think 1 laundry a day is a lot of laundry. I have 2 kids, work part time out of the house and work from home too. Whilst it's great to give the kids some outside time every day, you need to look at how long you spend outside, journey time included and maybe cut back there.
Also if you engaged them in writing and drawing at home and sat with them for a bit they would carry on doing this without you for a bit if you go and get on with some chores.
I'm surprised your 4 year old isn't in nursery either doi g part time or full time. You would qualify for the 15 hours free childcare right?

So, another update, for anyone who is following this thread properly (and not just coming on to say their two-pennies worth, without reading the whole thread first 🙄):

Today, DH has a rare day off. So it was decided that he would take DC for a walk with their scooters then cafe with the play area for lunch. While I nipped up to the garage to sort out some stuff with the car / MOT, back in time for the tumble drier engineer coming, and an electrician to see about some issues with our guesthouse. (As well as doing the daily housework IN THE AFTERNOON, not after the kids go to bed, of course! New me 🙌)

I have just received this text from DH in the cafe. "Kids are being really hard work here"*

New AIBU question - Is it bad that this made me grin?! evil laugh

Nothing quite like a DH discovering that 'fun days out' on your own with two toddlers are not always that relaxing heheh.

*(Just a side note - my kids are pretty normal. Sometimes they are on good form, well mannered, sweet, other times they can be total dicks).

Definitely ok to have a chuckle

@bobstersmum Why?! I'm at home all day with DD but DH does bath time every night, about 50% of bedtimes, he does some of the cooking and he does his share of housework too. Why does your husband get to sit on his arse all evening? What did he do pre-kids? Surely he had to do some cooking/cleaning/etc when it was just the two of you, so why is he incapable of it now?