To expect husband to keep helping with housework until its all done in the evening and we can sit down to relax together?

[disneybee]

My husband works pretty much full time hours (but across several jobs, so not much routine at all) while I look after our two young kids at home and do most of the work for the small business we run from home. I also used to freelance from home, but stopped because childcare was costing so much. I now predominantly look after the kids, and do all the food shopping, cooking and laundry.

DH comes home from work just after the kids' teatime most days. Usually showers, eats the dinner (that I cook every day) and then helps with cleaning up, dishes, getting the kids to bed, tidying up. But there's always a point like around 8:30pm / 9pm when he announces he's "had a good blast, going to put my feet up now." and he'll put the telly on. Meanwhile I am usually still finishing stuff off, hanging up a new load of laundry, and folding / putting away the laundry that's been drying all day. I really resent this last hour or so of work when he seems to think it's fine that I am still doing housework whereas he is relaxing. Any time I bring up my resentment of this - my core deep down resentment is that he puts his own needs first, and doesn't act particularly caring or protectively of me - it turns into a massive argument about how he works all day while I get to stay at home with the kids. AIBU to be pissed off at him?? Every time the housework is finally done and I can sit down to relax and its 10pm and I have to choose between some down time, or going to bed to get enough sleep before doing it all over again? Nb our youngest is not a great sleeper so I don't often get a full night's sleep either 😑

You need to restructure your day a bit OP. Kick off your first laundry load early in the morning, I do at 7am when I’m up, this means you’re drying and folding early PM. I just do my stuff in small blasts. I have been guilty in the past of putting off drossy housework like emptying bins, stripping beds etc to late afternoon because it’s so mind numbingly dull and I wonder if this is the mistake that you’re making????

17 months between mine. Theearly years were hard. I get it.

We went out for 2/3 hours a day. At home for the rest. Chores done with help/CBeebies.

Sit down at 8.30.

My mum managed this and she had all the fun of no central heating, no dryer, a coal fired aga and log burner (only sources of heat), no dishwasher or microwave, animals to care for and living in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere. How she used to laugh at me

I'm not saying we have it easy - just to make sure not to choose to overload ourselves.
And it does get easier. Hope you got some sleep. Be kinder to yourself.

Your dh is doing his bit. You need to learn to relax in the evening too or you will burn out. Your role is tough but just need to think about what tasks you could simplify or do earlier on.

Hi there I m hearing you loud and clear! Remember that feeling well when there never seemed enough hours in the day left to do everything!Maybe you could invest in a Dishwasher? (Some good interest free deals ATM) Also TD sounds like it needs updating too .I take your point about wanting to entertain DC, but what about an hour or two for their TV/Tablet while you pop the hoover round ,sort out washing and so on? DH works all day long and is obviously helping out in the evenings as well ! I think you are expecting quite a lot from him TBH ,Many posts here OP working F/T DH doing sod all! I am a SAHM too although my DC are older but when they were young need to establish a routine .I hour eve tidying ,1 hour morn washing and so on

I'm just reiterating what others have said really, but fwiw -

A bit of TV won't hurt - maybe while you cook dinner?

Start teaching them to play without you, for a few minutes at first then build it up.

No one will die from a dinner of jacket potatoes and beans/whatever easy thing, nor from you chucking double the quantities of whatever you're making in and having the same meal again tomorrow/freezing it for later.

You'll likely be a better parent with a bit more downtime/headspace.

I do Naff all after 6.30pm.Dh works full time,I work part time.There is no need to be doing housework until late at night Prioritise your downtime together.

So your husband works full time, tidys up, does the dishes and puts the kids to bed every day? Well I think he's doing his fair share OP especially as you don't work.

You're being a martyr.

Christ, no offence but your life sounds a bit dull. I prefer to chill with my husband when he gets in and do the house stuff in the day. He does dishes with me but then we watch tv, chat, listen to music. If I was him and worked all day I wouldn't want to do chores til 9-10 pm either

Hi I'm just checking in to say a big thank you to the really sweet kind messages some of you have taken the time to write 💕 for some of the more negative reviews I feel like explaining my life in complete detail... But not sure that would be the best use of anyone's time..!

From this thread I am taking out the following:

• Lack of sleep / focus is making everything worse. I need to remind myself the 2yo's sleep will improve as they get older.

• Other resentments are niggling me (yes to the cartoon about "But you didn't ask!" 😂😂😂) but this won't get any better without getting some downtime without DH so I need to make some changes to how I structure my day

• A new tumble drier is clearly the way forward!! I thought all tumble driers were bad for shrinking stuff so not worth the cost of a new one but it seems like a resounding answer from this thread!

Thank you once again to the people that wrote really sweet and supportive messages. You guys really helped me get things into perspective and I really appreciate the people who took the time to write it compassionately and helpfully 😘 xx

*downtime WITH dh

I think you need to invest in some childcare. Send them to a childminder for one day a week. You're spending your down time working becausenyu can't get everything done during the day. I think it's perfectly reasonable to have one day child free to do tasks that are more difficult when they're there.
As far as the laundry is concerned, put a load on once the kids are in the bath, hang them up before you go to bed (should take 5 mins) and fold them in the morning when kids are eating breakfast.
Teach kids to tidy up their toys.

Not judging your routine, but as a previous full timer, I simply couldn’t have worked until even 8pm on household tasks after work without entirely burning out.

Everyone needs downtime, that includes you and your DH. expecting him to work to that late isn’t reasonable. There has to be another solution. Even ‘more mess’ would be a better one than no downtime ever.

Re tumble drier. Get one that senses when your clothes are dry and swithpches off automatically after cooling down rather than one where you select a length of time.

I think you need to lower your standards a bit OP, do the children go to nursery at all? Would give you time to do laundry/cleaning during the day, if it really needs doing.

For the kids I'd say try more tv, fewer baths

YABU

I feel very much like he goes out and works, and everything else is my responsibility, making decisions, organising house and car maintenance, running the business including the admin and accounts

It’s called a ‘partnership’. Your DH fulfils his part by going to work full time and doing the dishes and the other stuff you have mentioned and you do your bit as outlined above.

It sounds like you would much prefer to be putting your feet up while your DH works full time

downtime WITH dh
Have some downtime without him as well! Being alone for an hour or two can be wonderfully recharging.

I used to have 2 'tidy up' times. Once in the morning, before we went out, and once before dinner. I dusted and hoovered before dinner, then it was only cooking, washing up and wiping down work tops. Things like washing the kitchen floor, cleaning the toilet, making beds, etc, were done in the morning. Once a week on Friday afternoond I did a full house clean and tidy that took a couple of hours (I only have a small house though.
2 and 4 year olds should be able to help with putting their toys away, putting their dirty washing in the dirty bin, etc. I would do things like folding laundry while they're watching TV or colouring in, you can always chat to them while you're doing it.

I haven’t voted as I can see there are 2 very different things going on which are making your life harder.

Yes Yabu to keep working till 10pm when you spend a good part of the day out with the children

But I think Yanbu as you seem to be working against your dh who seems to make life a lot harder for you.

You do need a new tumble dryer and you need a dishwasher.

Those things alone would make your life easier.

You also need to give dh the task of getting dc into bed and asleep.
Maybe he will stop winding them up if he is the one with the responsibility to get them to sleep.
That will leave you free to do what you need to do before he comes downstairs in the evening.

Having said that there are snippets of what you have written which seem to suggest underlying problems which can’t be fixed with machines and a division of labour.

It comes across as though you have a resentment for your husband.

Maybe things will work out better when you get a dishwasher and tumble dryer that work but if they don’t I think there are some more serious issues to be addressed.

I had really really fizzy/busy kids... Always on the go.bwe had to out the house by 9.30 am or dc1 in particular was unbearable. Mornings often out at an activity, sometimes pm too. Always back by 3.30/4.... Difference was I could not give a shiny shit about housework. I cooked and everything was washed if dirty, stuff was cleaned weekly but I just didn't do regular housework, just bits as I went along. Loading dishwasher, washing machine, quick wipe of surfaces.... Nothing was ever more than a 10/15 min job so that collectively things got done but in little bits over the day/week (so DC didn't run amok). I am eternally greatful that I have a high threshold for mess, made the early years so much easier....Could you figure out why neatness, order, home cooked food (or folded towells or whatever) etc is so important to you and see if you can say no to some stuff or drop some 'shoulds' and 'musts'?

I would honestly say, get a new tumble dryer and a dishwasher (if finances allow). Make sure the dishwasher is empty last thing/first thing and just put all the pots in as you go along. I'm a nightmare for leaving mess but I know if I do I'll just think fuck it, it's already a mess I'll just add to it and clean up all together later but then it's a pain! I have to put things away as I go along, especially from making snack/dinner etc and it encourages me to keep it tidy then.

Washing in as the first thing you do when you get up, I really think a new dryer would make all the difference, that way it can either be out and waiting to be put away in the evening or already away if you get 5 mins, best thing is take it out when it's still hot and out away straight away but I'm a hypocrite because I don't tend to do that but I wish I did!

Im not sure a tumble dryer is the answer - just less washing -ive raised all my kids without a tumble dryer

And i still relax every evening

I agree with PP, there is no need for you to be up until 10pm doing laundry. And it sounds like your OH does his best considering he works full time.

Also, you do food shopping on a daily basis?! Plan in advance and do an online food shop. It's so much easier!

DP and I work full time. I work from home so I do the lion share of the housework during the time I spend commuting. But hell would freeze over before I do any kind of housework after 8, and the same for DP. Once DS is in bed, that's when we get our quality time together. It's so important to have quality time with your other half.

I'm surprised to see so many people encouraging OP to buy a new tumble dryer. They are terrible for the environment. A heated airer would be better and the children can help hang up clothes www.lakeland.co.uk/21736/Dry%3ASoon-Standard-3-Tier-Heated-Tower-Airer

I have the same age gap and yes, it's very full-on while they are little, but it is possible to do certain jobs even with two small kids on tow. Laundry for example is the perfect job to do around kids. Ditto hoovering, emptying and loading the dishwasher, clearing up.
If they regularly see you doing those jobs, they will a. learn to behave while you are doing them b. start joining in and being helpful c. learn that not all activities focus around them.