To expect husband to keep helping with housework until its all done in the evening and we can sit down to relax together?

[disneybee]

My husband works pretty much full time hours (but across several jobs, so not much routine at all) while I look after our two young kids at home and do most of the work for the small business we run from home. I also used to freelance from home, but stopped because childcare was costing so much. I now predominantly look after the kids, and do all the food shopping, cooking and laundry.

DH comes home from work just after the kids' teatime most days. Usually showers, eats the dinner (that I cook every day) and then helps with cleaning up, dishes, getting the kids to bed, tidying up. But there's always a point like around 8:30pm / 9pm when he announces he's "had a good blast, going to put my feet up now." and he'll put the telly on. Meanwhile I am usually still finishing stuff off, hanging up a new load of laundry, and folding / putting away the laundry that's been drying all day. I really resent this last hour or so of work when he seems to think it's fine that I am still doing housework whereas he is relaxing. Any time I bring up my resentment of this - my core deep down resentment is that he puts his own needs first, and doesn't act particularly caring or protectively of me - it turns into a massive argument about how he works all day while I get to stay at home with the kids. AIBU to be pissed off at him?? Every time the housework is finally done and I can sit down to relax and its 10pm and I have to choose between some down time, or going to bed to get enough sleep before doing it all over again? Nb our youngest is not a great sleeper so I don't often get a full night's sleep either 😑

This is my day:
We get up at 7am. DP gets the kids dressed and teeth brushed while I shower and get dressed. Then I take the kids downstairs for breakfast while he sorts himself out and goes to work.
7.30am-8am - breakfast, I unload the dishwasher and put a load of laundry on. Kids then play/have TV while I clean kitchen and get school bags ready
8.20am - tidy up time before leaving for school/pre-school at 8.30am.
After the school run I usually head straight out with the toddler to the park/playgroup etc and come home for lunch.
11.30am - I make lunch while they play/watch TV, then tidy up again before lunch
12pm - eat lunch. Afterwards kids go and play in the living room while I load dishwasher, clean up kitchen and hang out laundry. I have a stairgate on the kitchen door so they can't get in while I'm busy anyway.
2.30pm - tidy up again before heading back to school.
3.30pm they have a snack then do any homework/reading and play.
4.30pm I put the TV on so I can make their tea, 5pm they tidy up and eat.
When DP gets in we tidy everything up, one of us cleans the kitchen while the other does baths/getting ready for bed. Dishwasher goes on.
While one does bedtime the other can put away any clean laundry.
I usually do a quick hoover round downstairs, then we're done for the day.

So basically I would say tidy up as you go along - every meal time get in the habit of tidying away toys beforehand, and tidying the kitchen afterwards. Don't leave anything for later.
Make beds as soon as everyone gets out of them in the morning and do a quick tidy of bedrooms and put any clean clothes away every bedtime.
Sometimes you are busy - put the TV on, ignore whinging and get on with your jobs.

And definitely meal plan, online shop and have it delivered - it will save you so much time and money.

I had a 2 year old and 4 year old.

That heated airer would be broken in minutes.

I've got one of those heated airers. They are useful, but don't do what a tumble drier does. (Top tip: they work better if you drape a thin sheet over the top of them). We don't have a tumble drier - no room for a separate one and my experience of washer-driers is not good. Instead we have the heated airer and a dehumidifier (we have a huge family bathroom so our washing dries in there). Works fine.

Im not sure a tumble dryer is the answer - just less washing -ive raised all my kids without a tumble dryer

While running a couple of B and Bs at the same time, yes?

Can you meal plan and then do click and collect with your DH picking up on his way home from work? That's what we do. Fresh fruit and veg are bought by DH at the weekend.

I batch cook a LOT. Rare for me to only make a single quantity of a meal. I double or triple up and then freeze.

If you were both working FT I'd say yes, but as your not then no.

The tumble dryer definitely won't shrink towels!

You can also get them with delay timers so they can come on when you want them to. I don't personally like the washing machine or dryer on when I'm not in the house nor when I'm asleep but most people don't seem to have these qualms. So if you're comfortable with it, set it off while you take the kids to the park, it's done when you get back - washing or drying. Folding a bunch of towels is surely only five minutes work. You can always give the kids the small ones to fold for if they want to help.

Also - I put everything on as quick a wash as I can. Most stuff isn't dirty as such. And I double spin everything, so it dries quicker.

Do you have a garden they can run around in?

Online food shop.

There is nothing wrong with your DC watching cbeebies for a bit while you cook or fold washing. They need chill time too.

One of you does bath and pyjamas while the other clears up. Then do bedtime together.

Do they go to nursery at all to give you some time to catch up on chores or even have a cup of tea to yourself?

These threads baffles me. OP, YANBU as it sounds as if you have high energy kids. My DC are high energy too but older now. I try to stop at 9:30pm but usually it is 10, often 1030pm. On a bad day I just give up at 11pm leaving stuff undone. Bedtime for me is 11. I never sit and watch telly. Laundry basket constantly overflowing.

Answers to a few questions:

• Yes we take advantage of funded nursery hours, 4yo is a nursery 2 days a week.

• Yes we do have a small garden, but it's dark & damp plus we live on a main road so it's pretty traffic fumey. The kids do play in it sometimes but it's not great.

• The comments calling me a martyr are confusing me... How am I a martyr? Surely I am being the opposite of a martyr, because I am a slobby dishevelled mess who prefers to get out and about during the day than do the housework, then I'm a bitch to my husband in the evenings when it all catches up on me?! 😂

• Food shopping - online shopping is a great tip but have a choice of supermarkets literally a few mins walk away, so it's easy enough to pop in on the way home.

• All other tips (except the one about putting on a laundry load at 4am so it's ready to hang up in the morning, wtf???! 😂) have been really great and useful, so thank you!

Update for today:
Decided to focus, and stop treating housework as an irritating afterthought. 4yo at nursery today so was easy to get out the house early with 2yo, had to drop car off for MOT so our fun time today was walking home (it was an adventure for 2yo seeing all the big trucks and car transporters near the garage 😊)

Home by lunchtime & spent the afternoon alternating between reading stories to 2yo and leaving him to play with toys alone with TV for company while I did dishes, laundry, prepared dinner and hoovered.

Also made an appt for an engineer to check if our tumble drier has a fault.

DH came home to a tidy house and an apology. He was instantly more relaxed and said thank you.

He also responded well to my request not to wind kids up before bed... Even agreed to read a story instead of tickling/wrestling 🙌

Skipped bathtime and got both kids in bed sleeping by 7:30pm. Nice evening of watching the telly with DH. Even had some proper conversations! 🙌

Now getting a much needed early night. Not sure if I can keep this level of focus up every day... but it's a good start. Had the kick up the bum I didn't know I needed, I guess.

Thank you again for help. ESPECIALLY to the people who were very compassionate and kind about it. It's easier to be positive when you feel like other people understand. Much appreciated 😘 X

Great update, OP. I'm glad for you.

That is so nice to read. Hope this is the start of a new era for you, OP.

You’ve had loads of detailed amazing advice from posters who are in the same stage as you on the parenting journey and can give practical tips.

As someone who has lived through and thankfully forgotten those times I would just like to say that you should try to step back from the chaos and take time to enjoy your DH and your adult time together. Not in a weird subjugated way but try to retain some of the pre kids customs and rituals.

Another one not understanding what you're doing all evening.

Morning after breakfast tidy up dishes & kitchen, put on clothes wash.
Go out somewhere
Lunchtime hang up washing, tidy up lunch dishes
Why don't you all have the same dinner? Give the kids a later snack and eat together.
After dinner load dishwasher and put away any clothes that are dry.
Kids bath and bed
Maybe a quick tidy up of toys after and that's it.

He also responded well to my request not to wind kids up before bed... Even agreed to read a story instead of tickling/wrestling

You definitely have my sympathy there. DH does this too and it drives me mad. I made a rule that everytime he does it he sits with them till they fall asleep (or sits outside and brings them back to bed every 2 minutes when they get up).

Yes the winding up play in the evening does drive mums mad. This is the most exhausting phase of your life so be kind to yourself and enjoy relaxing with your husband in the evening.

How is everyone so confused at OP being busy all night (glad you weren’t tonight though!).

My evenings usually go:-

Kids tea
Bath time
Kids bedtime (if both of us are home one parent takes each child as bedtime with both together is awful as they both like a parent in the room to fall asleep)
Adults tea (usually about 9pm)
Dishwasher on etc by 9:30 hopefully
Laundry is constant as lots of sports kit needing washing
Pack bags for tomorrow - rarely achieve this.

People who sit down at 7:30 seem to have kids that eat anything so they all eat at the same time, kids that go to bed very early, hardly any laundry - what about sports etc? Also no dog to walk in the evening!

I have just got into bed at nearly 11pm and the house is a mess plus as usual I only sat down to eat food quickly.

How is everyone so confused at OP being busy all night (glad you weren’t tonight though!).

Because with more organisation / better use of time during the day, it doesn't have to be like that.

Loads of us have had similar periods in our lives without doing stuff all night too. It's possible.

(And the OP doesn't mention a dog or sports, so they're irrelevant.)

I'm glad you managed to see through the negativity and take the positive helpful stuff from this thread OP, I think you had a bit of a hard time so glad it's starting to work out

I get what you're saying. I work full-time, three kids, one is a baby.
Usually I'll finish my chores around 10 too, sit down for an hour or so before bed then up at 6. It's tiring. Thankfully my husband helps but works late a couple of evenings.
My kids are usually in bed by 8-8.30 after stories. I'm then tidying up, cleaning, sorting kitchen, picking up toys off floor, washing in/out, load of washing away or shoved somewhere to sort later, lunches made for following day... It's easily 10pm after that so I do get what you're saying. I don't think I have high standards particularly either!
I'd love to know how others say they've finished for the night at 7.30-8!!

That's a great update.
Sending good vibes for tomorrow too.

Don't be such a martyr op. Relax.