To not allow a man who did this to meet my children?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

There’s a long backstory but basically my stepdad, who has been my stepdad since I was 6 (I’m now late 30’s) is not someone I like for various reasons - a main one being that he’s a serial cheater and my mum takes him back time and again.

About 20 years ago he had an affair - with his god daughter. His best friend’s daughter who he’d known since she was a baby. They grew up on the same street as us and he knew her all her childhood. He’s was 41, and she was 16. He claims he waited until she was 16 but they were caught 2 months after her 16th birthday and the pattern of his behaviour (sneaking out, late nights at ‘work’) lasted for about six months before that. It caused huge emotional distress to both families at the time, as you can imagine. I’ve kept him at arms length ever since

When my DD was born 7 years ago I decided that I couldn’t trust a person like this with her growing up. They live abroad now anyway so we’d hardly be seeing them. I made it clear to my mum that he would never meet her or any other children I had. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done hurting her, and she ended up in hospital as a result with a “heart episode” (that’s all she’ll tell me and has never elaborated). But i dug my heels in and stood firm. I didn’t advertise this decision to other family members and no one has ever questioned why he hasn’t met my children.

I recently told my brother about this. He thinks I’m being unfair, OTT and ridiculous, and using DD as a weapon because I don’t like my stepdad. I’ve never doubted my choice before now but his words have really stung and he’s now not talking to me - he knows about all the affairs but very much takes a “none of my business” approach and thinks our stepdad is amazing.

AIBU to completely withhold contact?

Your brother is wrong, is there any way your mother could have occasional contact without your stepfather

Your Mother must have seriously low self esteem or severe MH issues to stick with that creep for so long- grim beyond belief. You have definitely done the right thing. My step-dad growing up was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, thankfully he split up with my Mum when I was 15 but there’s no way I’d have allowed him near my DC if not.

You are being a good and caring mother. Ignore what anyone else has to say, esp your brother. Well done for looking out for your daughter when she is vulnerable.

@SaphfireRose I actually accept what you're saying in terms of the word paedophile however the Oxford English Dictionary definition is 'an adult who has a sexual desire for children'.

There is no way I would let my children anywhere near someone who has previously groomed a child for sex. I have to say this would affect my relationship with mum too, it goes to the core of a person’s being. You are very moderate in my view for continuing to see her, but I wouldn’t let step dad anywhere near your children.

I’d send brother some literature on child grooming too.

So what term, that will be readily understood by the general public, should we use for a man who had a sexual interest in a girl under the age of 16, @SaphfireRose? Because we clearly agree that this man's interest in his goddaughter began before her 16th birthday ( he 'waited until she was legal' before having sex with her), and that his interest in her was inappropriate and completely unacceptable - and I am not going to apologise for wanting a label to put on a dangerous individual like this.

Or any evidence that he didn't do anything to a 7 year old.

He obviously groomed his god-daughter from a much earlier age.

He may have started when she was a toddler, never mind 7! He may have babysat hr, taken her for days out, touched her inappropriately, persuaded her to do inappropriate things to him, and told her that it was their "secret".*

I have repeatedly said I think the man is despicable, but your reply is a strawman - a massive stretch from having an an affair with a 16yo

Your DM’s husband is a revolting man who only cares about one thing — his own wants.
Not about his wife or family, not about his best friend and that family either. You said yourself it caused huge distress to both families when it came out that he had had a sexual relationship with his god-daughter while she was still a child.
A ’sexual relationship’ does not necessarily include full sex. The fact that he said he ‘waited’ (to have full sex) till she was 16 implies that some things had been happening when she was underage. So - grooming.
His best friend had entrusted him with her spiritual welfare by making him her god-father - a disgraceful abuse of friendship and trust.

As for your DM, sadly she has put up with his affairs and even excused them.
You are definitely, definitely NBU to not let him near your daughter.
As for your DB and DM - YWNBU about reviewing contact there either.

Also a hebephile us someone with, sexual interest in a person in the early stages of adolescence ie 11to 14 ish, so that does not apply either. Do not get me wrong, I think he is complete scum, but not a pervert

Also, I'm not the one who said he was a paedophile (though I do see him that way, with his victim being my childhood friend, who he watched grow up and probably changed her nappies, which I'm sure you can understand) - I'm just not gonna get my knickers in a knot if people want to use that word about him

I don't think it's worth falling out with your brother ad well, you have your opinion as does he, case closed

@sosaidzarathustra do you have a daughter? Or know a young girl? Think about a person close to them watching them grow up, then having sex immediately when they're of legal age. What word would you use for that person? I think "pervert" is actually too kind so surprised to hear you say "he's not a pervert". Also, I'm assuming your 37yo didn't know you since you were born and was friends with your dad?

@EnidBlyton he is the one who's fallen out with me - I love my brother but I have no space for peadophile/hebephile/pervert apologists in my life.

Well if that is the case why would you defend his abuser to ensure they were described with a less severe word? Seriously, why are you fighting for men who sexually abuse children to be defined in a "better" way?

For those asking - he's never expressed an interest in meeting my children (THANK GOD) but my mum, the queen of sweeping things under the carpet, mentions she'll come with him and days "I might bring stepdad" I have to explicitly say well you won't be seeing us then - it's something she is keen to push.

And I do think her "heart episode" was for attention, yes. Usually when me and her have a conflict it's followed up with a heart episode/fall down the stairs/cancer scare - I've grown to learn how manipulative she can really be.

I think what he did is disgusting. All of this bickering and nitpicking at the label pedophile is totally beside the point. He groomed and plotted to abuse an underaged child. The fact that they (ie he) waited until she was ‘“legal”, it does not make him any better than an abuser of prepubescent children. In my eyes he is a pedophile.

I’d be supervising your dd with all your family and definitely Nc with him. Your brother is also a rape apologist.

I dated a man like that when I was 17, he was 26. When he was mid 30s he had an affair with a 16 year old known to us, known to him for years. No way on earth would he ever be near my kids. Looking back now I feel sorry for my stubborn naive self. You are doing the right thing. x

I am not defending his abuser at all. See you seem so angry and irrational that you are reacting without reading or thinking. JUST because I think someone who sleeps with a 16 year old teenager isn't a paedophile as the law says they aren't, DOES....NOT.....MEAN...I.....AM......DEFENDING PAEDOPHILES.
We are not talking children here. A 16 year old is not a child. My father was abused as a nine year old. THAT is a child. He was abused. His abuser was an ACTUAL paedophile. And it's like to me, you are invalidating my father's abuse, when you compare him to a 16 year old teenage almost woman. I am not fighting for men who sexually abuse 'children' to be defined in a better way. I am fighting for men who actually sexually abuse CHILDREN to be called paedophiles. It is not about defending anyone. Gees, all I did was say the teen is not a child and the man is not a paedophile. I just stated facts. You may wish to see him as a paedophile, but that doesn't mean he is, and it's upsetting to actual victims of paedophiles.

SaphireRose
A mid teen is definitely a child. In fact a person is a child until their 18th birthday. Perhaps you do not have children in their teens to be making these kind of statements.

So you're saying that there's a sliding scale of trauma - that rape is worse for children than teenagers or women? THAT is a damaging attitude. I'm sorry for what happened to your dad, truly - but rightly pointing out that a man who watched a little girl grow up and groomed her to have sex when she was only just legal is a peadophile DOES NOT take away from what happened to your dad. People fighting for those who sexually abuse children, teenagers and adults to be given a fitting label are not your enemy here. It's damaging, and usually very sexist, to claim that abuse on 12+ year olds and women isn't "as bad" as abuse on children.

OP, I had full sympathy for you until your disgusting comments to @SaphfireRose, which I flagged up to MN. I am not sure if you are being deliberately obtuse or just totally ignorant. @SaphfireRose is far from trying to shield a sexual predator but is trying to make you understand the difference in relation to the victims.

There is a difference between a 16 year old teenager that can leave home, leave school, have sex - to a 9 year old child. You must never have had children at all to be making your kind of statements.

@SaphfireRose I don't think OP or anyone else here is minimising what happened to your father. However, this man groomed a young girl. From when she was a child.

He said he waited until she was 16. That means it didn't start when she was 16. It means he didn't have sex with her until then.

If you look at images of children, you're still a paedophile - you're not better than a different paedophile if you don't touch them.
In the same way that it doesn't matter if your victim is 9 or 12.