To not allow a man who did this to meet my children?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

There’s a long backstory but basically my stepdad, who has been my stepdad since I was 6 (I’m now late 30’s) is not someone I like for various reasons - a main one being that he’s a serial cheater and my mum takes him back time and again.

About 20 years ago he had an affair - with his god daughter. His best friend’s daughter who he’d known since she was a baby. They grew up on the same street as us and he knew her all her childhood. He’s was 41, and she was 16. He claims he waited until she was 16 but they were caught 2 months after her 16th birthday and the pattern of his behaviour (sneaking out, late nights at ‘work’) lasted for about six months before that. It caused huge emotional distress to both families at the time, as you can imagine. I’ve kept him at arms length ever since

When my DD was born 7 years ago I decided that I couldn’t trust a person like this with her growing up. They live abroad now anyway so we’d hardly be seeing them. I made it clear to my mum that he would never meet her or any other children I had. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done hurting her, and she ended up in hospital as a result with a “heart episode” (that’s all she’ll tell me and has never elaborated). But i dug my heels in and stood firm. I didn’t advertise this decision to other family members and no one has ever questioned why he hasn’t met my children.

I recently told my brother about this. He thinks I’m being unfair, OTT and ridiculous, and using DD as a weapon because I don’t like my stepdad. I’ve never doubted my choice before now but his words have really stung and he’s now not talking to me - he knows about all the affairs but very much takes a “none of my business” approach and thinks our stepdad is amazing.

AIBU to completely withhold contact?

But being sexually attracted to, and sleeping with a 16 year old is not paedophilia and on the face of it there is absolutely no evidence that he would be sexually attracted to a 7 year old.

So what, @sosaidzarathustra?
Why are you so pedantically fixated on using a legal definition as a smokescreen to excuse inappropriate behaviour?

Is you bar seriously set so low that you would feel comfortable having a dirty old man around a young girl?
It's got fuck-all to do with whether this stepdad creature is attracted to 7 year olds or not.

How is it you cannot extrapolate that not only will the 7 year old not remain 7 for long, but that it's OP's perfect right not to associate with her stepdad, because she doesn't like him or his perverted behaviour?

there is absolutely no evidence that he would be sexually attracted to a 7 year old

Or any evidence that he didn't do anything to a 7 year old.

He obviously groomed his god-daughter from a much earlier age.

He may have started when she was a toddler, never mind 7! He may have babysat hr, taken her for days out, touched her inappropriately, persuaded her to do inappropriate things to him, and told her that it was their "secret".

This "waiting till she was 16" was - as others have said - for HIS sake, not hers. At 16, she's "legal" and he can't be jailed. Meanwhile he has groomed her, interfered with her natural development, stopped her making/having adolescent relationships with other teens her own age etc

If he had loved her, an found himself attracted to her, he would have done everything in his power NOT to do anything inappropriate - because if he had loved her, he would have wanted what was good for her - not was was satisfying for him.

OP is right to cut him off and keep him away from her precious child.

@GiveHerHellFromUs I was abused as a teen, so am not naive thank you very much, I also have experience in the subject as my father was sexually abused in an orphanage, I dare say I have more knowledge than many on the subject. All I said, is that paedophilia is described as pre-teen. That's all. Which it is. There is 4 years between 12 and 16, and the OP didn't say the girl was groomed from 12 to 16, did she?

@SaphfireRose I'm sorry for what you went through but the 'official' wording is semantics.

They live abroad now anyway so we’d hardly be seeing them.

So there's not really a problem, is there?

Unless horrible stepfather starts demanding to see your child. He might not even be interested in seeing her.

Why did you suddenly bring this up with your brother?

Wouldn't get anywhere near my daughter. Disgusting.

Absolutely not unreasonable. I wouldn't let the brother anywhere near the children either.

Amazingly courageous and brave you protecting your child. This man is hiding in plain sight and the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour ... well done for deciding not to risk your child.

@sosaidzarathustra - this man did not change overnight from having a perfectly normal, acceptable godfather-goddaughter relationship with this girl to suddenly fancying her and wanting to have sex with her. He didn't wake up on the day she turned 16 and realise that he fancied her.

There is no question that he had fancied her for some time - which means he is a paedophile, even if he waited to start an actual sexual relationship with her until she was 16. He had to have been grooming her for months or even years beforehand.

So - do you think a man who was attracted to an underage girl, groomed her, and had sex with her as soon as it was 'legal' is a safe person to have around young girls? Because I certainly don't!!

Your brother a pervert too then?

@GiveHerHellFromUs I've had a think about this for the last hour and I know why some would say it's just semantics, but I don't agree. Calling someone a paedophile is a very, very serious thing. It's the worst thing a person can be. You want to be very sure, So I think one should be very cautious and reluctant to label someone as a paedophile if they're not. With paedophilia, the semantics do matter because it is the worst thing you can be called. I think it cheapens the term by using it too casually, and demeans actual victims of paedophilia. So while I get why anyone would find the man disgusting, repulsive and dangerous, I can't agree that it is just semantics, it's far too a serious (and life/career destroying) accusation to make to use it without care and caution.

Why did you suddenly bring this up with your brother
Because he's figured out that stepdad hasn't been to UK in 10 years and we've never been over to visit them since before DD was born so said "Has stepdad ever even met the kids?". And I told him because I'm not lying for the sake of that pervert

And spare me the nonsense about "it's very serious to call someone a peadophile" because they've escaped the label by a few months on a technicality. I'll save my worry for his victim

What on earth🤮🤮🤮 sorry but that tramp wouldn't be going anywhere near my children, you've 100% made the right decision and I have no idea why your brother thinks otherwise - it's common sense to know he's a wrongen. It's not like he's just had sex with a random 16 year old (which is disgusting enough already) but someone he's watched grow up since she was a baby? Nah that is weird

@GlummyMcGlummerson And spare me the nonsense about "it's very serious to call someone a peadophile" because they've escaped the label by a few months on a technicality

But that's the thing. It is NOT 'by a few months'. The cut off point is 12. That is 4 YEARS. 4....years. Not months. I think you need to research the meaning of the word paedophile, as you seem to think it means 'any time before 16'. A paedophile is ONLY for those twelve and under.

See, this is exactly why I say getting the terminology right is so important. People like the OP are throwing around a slanderous term carelessly, without knowing it's meaning. People need to use terms correctly. Or else they may find themselves being sued.

Why did you suddenly bring this up with your brother

Because he's figured out that stepdad hasn't been to UK in 10 years and we've never been over to visit them since before DD was born so said "Has stepdad ever even met the kids?". And I told him because I'm not lying for the sake of that pervert

Your stepfather isn't making plans to visit your DC?

Good.

So basically you've got an argument with your brother. And you're not being U.

Tell him that lots of strangers on the internet think he's wrong and he will immediately see your point of view.

People need to use terms correctly. Or else they may find themselves being sued.

😂😂🤣 who's going to sue me exactly? Do you know how slander laws work?
I know how the law works, and have a degree to say so. I'm aware of terminology around "peadophile" and I find it worrying/telling that you are more concerned about a man who groomed a child being pegged as the "wrong" bad word than you are about his actions. To me he's a paedophile. Don't like it? Cry me a fucking river

You’re going on like an hebephile is somehow better than a paedophile. It’s not. Paedophile, hebephile Whatever. It’s all disgusting and all illegal.
They’re all fucking nonces

YANBU, you’ve done the right thing.

Calling someone a paedophile is a very, very serious thing. It's the worst thing a person can be
An easy way to avoid this is by not having sex with girls you’ve known since they were a baby.

And do you know what’s worse than being called a paedophile? Being abused by one.
All this ‘calling men paedophiles ruins their lives’ bullshit does it, he’s wife never left him, his stepson is defending him.

totally unrelated to OP ......

my step dad did the same, the actual sexual abuse/ physical was when I was 16

grooming BEFORE

mother just married the letch anyway. I was "the tart" (even though I never was).....

OP keep him away. Youre doing right. Funnily enough, Im NC with SD/ DM!!

My sister on the hand carries on like its all swept under the carpet . I dont share photos with her, very wary of what is said etc in her company on the very occaisional times we meet. I cannot trust her!!

YANBU - your reasoning is sound and the fact that your brother has difficulty understanding this bizarre.

He claims he waited until she was 16
This suggests that your step dads sexual interest in this young woman began when she was a 15 year old child or younger. The fact he was caught out and found to be engaged in a sexual relationship 8 weeks after her 16th birthday could indicate he began grooming her prior to her birthday.

This man would not be a positive person to have in a child's life in any capacity ever.

Yes, I do. I have involvement in this area. It is interesting that you find this such a laughable topic. It says everything about your mindset. You've obviously not been the victim of paedophilia, for you to think it's a laughable matter, and throw about a term so casually.

I said I think the man is disgusting and dangerous and I wouldn't have him near my child. So I am NOT defending him!

HOWEVER, I do take the topic VERY seriously, and it upsets me when people throw the term around so casually as if it has no meaning. A paedophile is defined by medical and psychological (DSMV) journals, as well as legal journals, as a person attracted to PRE-PUBESCENT children. Not a 15 year old teenage girl. The topic is very serious, and you do an enormous amount of harm by using the term so casually and carelessly. If you are on the level you will see my point. I'm not out to get you, I just believe the issue is so serious - having personal experience myself and seeing my Dad - go to court to testify, that a mature adult should take it seriously and not demean it. It's scars are LIFELONG. And affect generations after.

The anger etc has stayed with me (in my 40s) till this day. In fact we moved away so SD/DM cant get to me!!

SAPHIREROSE

theres harbouring feelings and theres acting upon them.

2 different things. He was in a position of trust. That does actually mean something in law (same as my case was).

HOWEVER, I do take the topic VERY seriously, and it upsets me when people throw the term around so casually as if it has no meaning. A paedophile is defined by medical and psychological (DSMV) journals, as well as legal journals, as a person attracted to PRE-PUBESCENT children.

Ah.

You're forgetting that almost every poster on MN fancies themselves to be a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist and can spot a "narc" or a "nonce" at 20 paces and wouldn't recognise a proper, peer-reviewed article if they were whacked about the head with it.

Mental health terminology is thrown around like confetti and really does devalue actual diagnoses.

Having said that, I wouldn't want this stepfather anywhere near my children but, as he doesn't seem to have expressed any wish to visit the OP or their children, all this boils down to is an argument the OP has had with her brother.