To not allow a man who did this to meet my children?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

There’s a long backstory but basically my stepdad, who has been my stepdad since I was 6 (I’m now late 30’s) is not someone I like for various reasons - a main one being that he’s a serial cheater and my mum takes him back time and again.

About 20 years ago he had an affair - with his god daughter. His best friend’s daughter who he’d known since she was a baby. They grew up on the same street as us and he knew her all her childhood. He’s was 41, and she was 16. He claims he waited until she was 16 but they were caught 2 months after her 16th birthday and the pattern of his behaviour (sneaking out, late nights at ‘work’) lasted for about six months before that. It caused huge emotional distress to both families at the time, as you can imagine. I’ve kept him at arms length ever since

When my DD was born 7 years ago I decided that I couldn’t trust a person like this with her growing up. They live abroad now anyway so we’d hardly be seeing them. I made it clear to my mum that he would never meet her or any other children I had. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done hurting her, and she ended up in hospital as a result with a “heart episode” (that’s all she’ll tell me and has never elaborated). But i dug my heels in and stood firm. I didn’t advertise this decision to other family members and no one has ever questioned why he hasn’t met my children.

I recently told my brother about this. He thinks I’m being unfair, OTT and ridiculous, and using DD as a weapon because I don’t like my stepdad. I’ve never doubted my choice before now but his words have really stung and he’s now not talking to me - he knows about all the affairs but very much takes a “none of my business” approach and thinks our stepdad is amazing.

AIBU to completely withhold contact?

dh is a teacher. when he was younger he wouldve had some teen lust over him (hes good looking).

BUT he would never encourage her. never. its against teaching rules and its the position of trust thing again.

You're right @GlummyMcGlummerson, I just didn't want to believe there are two child abuse apologists on one thread!

@sosaidzarathustra
Would you say that of the victims of the Rochdale, Rotherham and Huddersfield gangs? Clearly this 16 yo girl had been groomed. She was made to believe she wanted to have sex with a middle aged man as soon as she was legal.

Yes but I am addressing glummys point where she claimed that a 15 yo would not fancy a 41yo if she had not been groomed, which us quite clearly the case in schoolgirl crushes

Op, I'm so sorry to read all of this. It sounds terrible on many levels.

Your father is at best deeply immoral and that wouldn't be confined to just this relationship with a teenage girl. Your own dealings with him must have been awful. Do not doubt yourself here. Keep him far away from you and your child.

Your brother and mother's behaviour is just more rejection. They are not acknowledging the pain you went through. Your mother is trying to blame you for her heart condition. She is manipulative, weak and unkind.

If you feel cutting them out of your life would be more traumatic then just step back massively. Give them little information about your life and don't seek their approval. They don't have your best interests at heart.

You are being entirely reasonable. In fact, if that is your brother's attitude towards children and sexual contact, I would keep him away too. Your priority is your own daughter.

its people with these views (like my own mother!) that stop teen girls coming forward. do ya know what dm said to me....

"find your own boyfriend"

that sentence never left me.

to her ....I`m a little tart. her husband was seduced.....how could he POSSIBLY resist and keep it in his pants eh?

the fact that I was groomed (i now know not the first even) made zero difference. from a poorer background I was given ££ for nothing, positive words, treated more grown up.... (i never had ££ or positivity before).

starts as a slight touch of the arm.....a hug.....and it goes on.

tony and whitney from eastenders anyone??

Yes but I am addressing glummys point where she claimed that a 15 yo would not fancy a 41yo if she had not been groomed, which us quite clearly the case in schoolgirl crushes

Fancy - yes, didn't we all have a teacher crush. Enter into a sexual relationship - whole other ball game. I fancied my history teacher but would have crapped myself had he wanted to have sex with me, because I'd have known it was too far and a man in position of trust shouldn't be pursuing sexual relationships with children. If a sexual relationship does take place it's because either

1. He's groomed her to believe it's a loving a trusting relationship with no trust being broken at any point or
2. She's too vulnerable to realise it's in appropriate - in which case it's still grooming

Very well said SchadenfreudePersonified.

No foul OP. The family will have to stay together and against you on this one. There will be too much soul searching otherwise, and it sounds like they are not up for that.

eaxactly glummy.

before all this ...I liked my history teacher. many liked him lol.

sosaidzara
A school girl crush is quite different from actual sex. It is a fantasy. Not reality. When I was about 15, I had a little bit of a crush on our seemingly cool maths teacher, who was in his early 40’s perhaps. But the thought of sleeping with him, just ewwwww. I did think the teacher at my new school as a 6th former was an absolute hottie (he was). But by then I was 17, not 15 and in terms of maturity and experience, the 17 yo me was worlds apart from the 15 yo.

Highonpotandused, a 16 year old isn't a child. I met my (older) husband at that age and moved in with him. I ran a house at 16, as did many women of my generation (50's) and older. I was a young woman, not a child and teenager didn't quite describe me. It was acceptable.

But that's beside the point. Times have changed. He isn't a pedophile but he is an abuser. It was a, massive betrayal of trust etc etc.

On that basis you can decide he isn't someone you'd want to know.

Just to add on the age/grooming front, when I was 17 I got pregnant by a man who was about 20 years older than me. Completely consensual but just sex.

He came with me when I went to the appointment to discuss a termination.
They spoke to me alone and the lady asked me some questions including whether I thought I might have been groomed.

I was 17, not 12, and was asked that question by a medical profession.

@margosfloatydress I'm so so sorry you went through that and your about your mums attitude. Truly two evil people you are not less of a victim than anyone else

I also liked my history teacher...seems to be a theme. school girl crushes are quite normal.

The only male history teacher at my school had a bowl cut and spat when he talked, just to go against the grain

thanks glummy.

its not dms attitude that got me so much as dsis!! she has a dd. Ive said shell be fresh meat for sd. wont listen. sadly .

I had to learn to go lc for my own sanity. she knows little of me now, meet rarely. denial is quite something.

I work in a school - the only two under-35 Male (average looking) teachers we have on staff, well you'd think they were Liam and Chris Hemsworth the way most of the girls fawn over them. Not one girl has ever tried to take it further though, because like a PP pointed out school girl crushes are fantasies

yes crushes are normal (perhaps not the bowl cut spitty one lol). BUT they know its a crush and to ignore the girls.

all those hormones!!

Clearly your Brother is in the wrong.. You have every right to say no, it's your child and you are the parent. He isn't. If it creates hassle and turmoil, then tough shite. Because if your daughter tells you when she is 14 that your Step Dad has been touching her, then you'll never forgive yourself.

Ponaka7
Legally a person is a child until their 18th birthday. It is great that you met someone, whom you loved and trusted so young. Not everyone had such luck. You met your husband at 16. You hadn’t known him all your life. He wasn’t in a position of authority over you. You considered him your equal and yourself an adult. FYI the human body hasn’t though and the brain doesn’t fully form (ie into adulthood) until we reach our mid 20’s. Still a lot of growing up even at 18.

Also, you need parental consent to marry at 16 and 17.

Op you are absolutely right to act as you have. I wouldn't be allowing him neat any daughter of mine either.

Words almost fail me in regard to the apologist pedantic posts on this thread some of which I've reported but having seen mnhq have already deleted a few I'm shocked they've left others standing I dread to THINK was in the deleted posts!

Abuse is/can be just as damaging to older victims as it is to young ones. Each case is different and different victims react differently.

I was 14, I'm now 47 and STILL dealing with the psychological aftermath.

Others I know who were victims at different ages are either pretty much fine now or really struggling like I am.

The age at which the victim was when the abuse happened seems to be one small factor in what effect it has.

And yes older female victims are very rarely believed and often accused of "flirting" or "encouraging" their abuser in some way - WHICH IS UTTER APOLOGIST VICTIM BLAMING BOLLOCKS!

Op ignore the apologists and defenders, do what is best for you and your dc.

margosfloatydress

I’m sorry your family are so awful and for all that you went through. I hope your niece stays safe. What a terrible thing to know but to be able to do so little about it.

dh when he was younger 25, said (before he knew me) he found it awkward teaching the 6th form girls. looking grown up, pretty, etc and not that far away in age. Admits he liked 1 or 2 to look at....

BUT NEVER, NEVER let it go beyond thought.

its about boundaries, etc.