To be confused about what the bride wants?

[Despolime]

My friend lives abroad. Another friend and I are two of her bridesmaids. We are travelling to where she's getting married for the wedding in summer. We're staying in a room in the wedding venue Friday - Sunday, which is the time we're abroad. Another 8 guests plus the bride are staying overnight both days too.

Everything was sorted.

Then yesterday, the bride gets in touch to check friend & I definitely want to stay at the venue on the Friday. The wedding is on the Saturday. We said of course. She said that there is no bar or restaurant, only what we take. Fine, we said, we'll pick some things up to take with us. She kept asking if we were sure, and that it's no problem but there's not much about. We double checked again that she'd be there too, and she said yes. She said she was worried we'd be bored if we stayed there.

AIBU to be confused? We're only going to see her get married. Why would we want to stay elsewhere? Am I missing something?

Shops usually close at 8pm on a Saturday and are closed all day Sunday in Germany. Garages are expensive for food. Make sure you bring plenty of food and drink.

Sounds like she's worried you will be bored.

Stop guessing and ring her, ask her what's up.

It sounds like she's worried you'll be bored - just like she said in her message. I don't think there's any more to it.

If the bride is staying there on the Friday and others are too, then surely they will be eating. So why can’t they just get more food to cover you too?

The more I think about it the more bizarre it is. You are her bridesmaids. You are spending a lot of money, doing a long and complicated journey and expecting to not provide you with anything to eat or drink that evening or in the morning? I can understand she might not have thought about it before now. But she should just have though to get something and not have messaged you in the way she did

She sounds lazy AF. Personally, I'd have declined the whole thing but then, I find destination weddings too much of a PITA to bother.

To be fair to her, she does live there.

I would probably ralley around with others to sort out a food delivery for the rest of the stay or transport so you can go out?

She lives there and speaks the language. There are two of us and 11 staying on the Friday overall. I’m not sorting out the Friday night for everyone.

I don’t understand how the bride and other hotel stagers are going to eat then, if there is no food in the hotel? Surely they will be going to a shop or restaurant and not just sitting in their rooms starving? I find it hard to see why the bride can’t grab something for you as well..as she will need to eat too

This is almost exactly what my other friend said to her. Bride just kept replying ‘no, everyone else will be in Germany earlier’. We said ‘okay, but at the venue with us on Friday, with you too, surely?’ ‘Yes but there won’t be any food or anything’. It’s like getting blood from a stone.

Recognise its highly stressful for her at the moment and she may be over thinking every minute detail.

She’s hosting a do in months’ time. How stressful can it be at this stage?

she's panicking that people will be bored and hungry and hasn't got time to arrange anything as she's taking care of those last minute things for the wedding (there's always something...).

It’s not last minute, it’s months away.

Just eat a good. Meal when you can, before arriving.

We leave the UK early Friday morning and arrive at the venue very late Friday afternoon/early evening.

Put something like chocolate brioche in your suitcase for breakfast. Get the other bridesmaid to do similar. You need filling portable food that isn't going to turn to mush.

This is what I’m going to do. Can’t think of anything worse than being hungry. I can’t understand what the other guests are going to do.

She is having a was low maintenance wedding, including low maintenance guests.

This isn’t really the case.

When/where are the B&G and the other venue guests eating on Friday night/Saturday morning? Is she thinking they are all going to have eaten before you arrive?

It's really crap hosting to not make sure that your bridal party are catered for. Even if it's just a case of we'll be chasing around so we'll leave out some sandwiches for you. If they were travelling out there the same day then you'd understand that it might be difficult, but as they live there there's really no excuse for not organizing something for you.

Do you think they have been invited to have a meal with family/friends locally on the Friday so won't be there for much of the evening and have only just realised that they haven't considered what you'll do/eat while they're out?

Oh Jesus. No food. Rural Germany is worse equipped than rural Devon. I would seriously consider wrapping up some frozen/pre-cooked sausages and bringing them over in your luggage. See also loaf of bread plus lump of cheese, a bar of chocolate and some biscuits.

Petrol stations will sell you brezeln and bad croissant.

My new hobby is predicting people's star signs. I think the bride is either a Sagittarius and is genuinely worrying about having to entertain the night before and not living up to other's expectations or she is a Scorpio and she wants some family members to have your accommodation. Leaning towards the Sagittarius because it sounds like the type of thing I would be really worried about.

@Despolime "It's a big old manor, I would say. The decorating, catering etc is being done by the couple."

I was thinking along the lines of perhaps she would like you to help with decorating, (you've since said this is not the case) or she doesn't want anyone to see the ceremony venue before the actual event takes place!

I travel regularly, and I always take snacks, no matter where I'm going, in my suitcase, I pack my "cool bag" (small holdall style). I have brioche rolls, and some cold meats to put on them, (and I'm lucky enough to have "ice packs" which I keep in the freezer and regularly use for picnics as well as trips away) so everything stays fresh. I also have juice, and I take breadsticks because I love them!

@madmadamim

Recognise its highly stressful for her at the moment and she may be over thinking every minute detail. She may have suddenly realised that she's got people arriving Friday, in the middle of nowhere and she hasn't arranged food, refreshments etc and now she's panicking that people will be bored and hungry and hasn't got time to arrange anything as she's taking care of those last minute things for the wedding (there's always something...).

Not starving people who are in your bridal party and who have travelled from overseas to be there for you isn6t a 'minute derail'. It's basic civility.

Also, it's a wedding- an optional party that she's decided to have, to celebrate herself. Not a 'highly stressful' life event that deserves sympathy and kid gloves

Cancel.

CBA with that shit.

I would find out what kind of cooking facilities guests can access. It’s a hotel. Surely all the guests they have had over the years haven’t fasted or survived on crackers for the duration of their stay. Do the rooms have kitchens?

You have a bit of time to sort this out. Can you try and clarify with the bride if you have access to cooking facilities and a fridge? If so could you get some shopping for you and the other bridesmaid between getting off the last train and getting a taxi to the venue? Or get the taxi to stop at a supermarket along the route? Even if you had bread, cheese and fruit etc it would be better than nothing.

My take on this is that she is simply worried that she is not going to be providing any 'hospitality' on the Friday night and that you may be expecting hospitality. If she didn't warn you - you could have rocked up on the Friday expecting some kind of rehearsal dinner or party (which to be fair usually happens on the night before a wedding for overseas guests) and be very disappointed.

She realises the venue doesn't even have a bar or restaurant so if you did turn up with no provisions, and she had nothing planned, you would not even be able to buy a meal and options nearby maybe very limited.

She may also have limited time to spend with you the night before too. I think its an indirect way of saying you will be left to your own devices on the night before, so please come prepared.

Have to say that this would have occurred to me at the time I booked the venue as something I would need to find a solution to. My sympathy is a bit limited.

Contacting the venue yourself is an idea. What kind of info is there about them online?

To clarify - that I the bride would need to find a solution to. Just not on to shrug at guests and go 'oh, there's no food available'.

To be honest if it was me, I would just rock up as planned, pack a 'carpet' picnic in my case (cheese, biscuits, bread etc.) pick up some wine at duty free and plan to spend the evening with the other friend in your room.

It’s all very weird! It does sound like she’s trying to say that this is basically your holiday so you have to sort yourself out but also go to her wedding which is actually the only reason that you’re there. You shouldn’t feel awkward about saying ‘please can you get us some food in for Friday because obviously we will have been in the air or on a train or in a taxi for 12 hours and won’t be able to do it ourselves’. She is your host…

Only you can find out what might be going on here. Best case scenario, she’s a crap host who’s suddenly realising that her bridesmaids might be unimpressed at arriving after a day’s travelling to find no food or drink. Worst case, she’s decided she doesn’t want either of you to be bridesmaids and wants you rather than her to be the ones to cancel so that you can be the bad guys.

I’m not sure I would have the energy to keep a friendship going with someone who was 50% passive aggressive. In your shoes I might be fairly blunt and say ‘hang on, we’re spending hundreds of pounds and hours of travelling to be with you in the middle of nowhere, in a venue that you’ve chosen and organised, and you want us to bring our own food or stay somewhere else? What’s really going on here?’ Especially as it sounds as though there’s nowhere else practical to stay.

It sounds very weird. I would ask her directly what the arrangements are for dinner on the Friday night. It’s not rude to ask and hopefully will clear it up.

Could you hire a car instead if the taxi and then at least you’ll have some ability to seek out sustenance and fill it up with wine..? 😃

And bring coffee!!

That would work in the UK, MadamePewter, but in rural Germany on a Friday evening nothing will be open.

Might be in the place the train goes to? 40 minutes by car. Worth a google

If she had a tendency to passive aggressiveness may she is expecting you to jump in with an "I'll organise food and entertainment for friday night..."

what are her expectations of you as a bridesmaid?

I would just ask her outright if there is a problem/concern about the Friday night. Problem solved....