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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused about what the bride wants?

235 replies

Despolime · 29/01/2020 18:56

My friend lives abroad. Another friend and I are two of her bridesmaids. We are travelling to where she's getting married for the wedding in summer. We're staying in a room in the wedding venue Friday - Sunday, which is the time we're abroad. Another 8 guests plus the bride are staying overnight both days too.

Everything was sorted.

Then yesterday, the bride gets in touch to check friend & I definitely want to stay at the venue on the Friday. The wedding is on the Saturday. We said of course. She said that there is no bar or restaurant, only what we take. Fine, we said, we'll pick some things up to take with us. She kept asking if we were sure, and that it's no problem but there's not much about. We double checked again that she'd be there too, and she said yes. She said she was worried we'd be bored if we stayed there.

AIBU to be confused? We're only going to see her get married. Why would we want to stay elsewhere? Am I missing something?

OP posts:
BelfastNonBlonde · 29/01/2020 19:29

I don't read it that she doesn't want you there.

If she is generally an anxious person, I read it just as she has put it - that there isnt much about, food / drink wont be provided and there wont be much going on the night before - so she's worried youll be bored or regret staying there.

Just ask her outright I guess, but if youre only getting there late and you know in advance theres nothing planned you can reassure her you have no expectations and can sort yourselves out.

bumpertobumper · 29/01/2020 19:31

Sounds like she is overthinking it, worrying that you'll be bored, not have fun, occasion might feel a bit flat.
Now you and MN are overthinking further projecting all sorts of motives to her.
Don't take offence that she doesn't want you there when you are guessing that that is the case.
Just have another chat, check in that she is ok with plans as they stand and reassure her as necessary.

BelfastNonBlonde · 29/01/2020 19:31

@JonSlow Jesus Christ could you be any more ridiculous OR offensive?

SunshineCake · 29/01/2020 19:32

Over the top there JonSlow.

TheDuckSaysMoo · 29/01/2020 19:32

She's either worried about you and your enjoyment / stress levels or she's awkwardly trying to get rid of you for the night. Only she knows. Why not gently ask her? "You seem a bit worried about the friday night. X and I definitely want to stay there and very happy to pick up food but if for some reason you need us to stay elsewhere then we can change plans."

georgialondon · 29/01/2020 19:32

Had a tough day @JonSlow? GrinConfused

Dobbytheelf · 29/01/2020 19:34

You've got to ask her outright or there'll be confusion and it'll never get sorted. Just say 'Hi Bride, just wondering if you're saying you'd prefer us to stay elsewhere the night before? We are happy to bring our own food/ drinks for the evening but if there's another reason for us to stay elsewhere please let me know', along those lines, preferably over the phone so you can get a better idea of whether she's trying to stop you for another reason. It'd be very rude if she were bumping you but if I were having a gathering like that I'd probably panic once I realised I had no way of properly catering for friends who were travelling all that way just for me and cack handedly try to warn them too, so it could just be as she says.

SmellyBeard · 29/01/2020 19:37

I wouldn't say anything of the sort. It's her problem if she can't communicate properly and you are her bridesmaids for gods sake and staying out in the middle of nowhere.

RandomMess · 29/01/2020 19:38

Perhaps dropping her an email saying you were expecting it to be a quiet Friday night chilling and relaxing and is that what she had I mind?

We're to have sandwiches and snacks with a bottle of wine, we'll be tired with all the travel but if they think they'll need you to help with decor or anything that's ok just let us know?

morrisseysquif · 29/01/2020 19:39

You are travelling abroad and the bride has arranged for people to stay at a place with no bar or restaurant, what kind of holiday hell is that?

Is there a kitchen, what will you do for breakfast? You need to ask her what the plans are for being fed.

BitOfFun · 29/01/2020 19:40

It just sounds like she's anxious you'll be bored and hungry. I don't understand why people automatically assume there's some unpleasant agenda here, or that she doesn't love her best friends whom she invited to her intimate wedding.

Marmighty · 29/01/2020 19:44

But what will you all eat in the evening? And for breakfast? And snack or lunch before the wedding?

burnoutbabe · 29/01/2020 19:44

Gosh yes, what is happening food wise nothing of wedding? Surely as hosts they are sorting something out for guests? As well as night before when people arrive (even if asking people for a kitty towards pizzas or whatever)

mummmy2017 · 29/01/2020 19:46

Talk to her.
Hi bride, so excited to be bridesmaids.
Can I ask are you worried we will be bored because we are fine with a quiet catch up, or has something gone wrong with accommodation?
If so how can we sort it?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/01/2020 19:49

I think her moms invited some random cousin and is insisting they need your room because family first and all that bollocks

Geneshish · 29/01/2020 19:49

Maybe she is scoping out if you have any plans. As bridesmaids she might be expecting you to have made up some games/done a mr and mrs game/brought a photo album for you to all to sit and remember the old times. Ask her!

sonjadog · 29/01/2020 19:52

She does sound like a bit of a slack hostess. If people were flying in to an event I was organizing from abroad, I would make sure there was food and drinks waiting for them, not expect them to pick up their own.

Butterymuffin · 29/01/2020 19:54

if for some reason you need us to stay elsewhere then we can change plans."

Don't say this. You shouldn't have to.

slack hostess. If people were flying in to an event I was organizing from abroad, I would make sure there was food and drinks waiting for them, not expect them to pick up their own.

I agree @sonjadog! But for some people if you're a bride it seems to exempt you from all hosting obligations.

deste · 29/01/2020 20:00

I think the bride should be organising some catering but you and the other bridesmaid could plan a bit of fun for the evening before. I think you need to speak to her about food anyway and it won’t take much to organise a few bottles of Prosecco/ wine etc. It sounds a very dull affair.

mathanxiety · 29/01/2020 20:01

JonSlow Hmm

Supersimkin2 · 29/01/2020 20:02

She's reminding you the venue is self-catering and she isn't doing any catering. Some people might get a mood on.

Yes, yes, yes to doing a big shop on the way to the house or risk being starving and isolated. Food before principles, I say.

notangelinajolie · 29/01/2020 20:03

It sounds like she wants you to go and stay somewhere else because they need your room.

Elizadoeslittle19 · 29/01/2020 20:12

@JonSlow perhaps if the bride, the OPs friend wanted it just to be her family the night before she shouldn't have extended an invitation in the first place to the OP. Hmm

@Despolime I'm not sure what's going on with your friend and I would not be happy at having to rearrange accommodation. Is it possible you could just ask her to tell you if there is a reason why she now doesn't want you to stay the night before? Has she asked the other bridesmaid this too?

SisterAgatha · 29/01/2020 20:16

JonSlow Haha, yes travel hundreds of miles and spend hundreds of pounds for the sheer privilege of being someone’s bridesmaid. If she wants to boot you out at the last minute in to the cold dark night, such is her right as bridezilla and OP should just say yes to be a good friend?

MerryMarigold · 29/01/2020 20:16

I think she'd planned to organise more for the guests, but is now too stressed and overwhelmed to sort out anything for the the night before wedding so she's feeling bad and just warning you.

If I were you I'd go and offer to help out on the Friday night, decorating, cooking whatever, rather than accuse her if trying to get rid of you!