To be confused about what the bride wants?

[Despolime]

My friend lives abroad. Another friend and I are two of her bridesmaids. We are travelling to where she's getting married for the wedding in summer. We're staying in a room in the wedding venue Friday - Sunday, which is the time we're abroad. Another 8 guests plus the bride are staying overnight both days too.

Everything was sorted.

Then yesterday, the bride gets in touch to check friend & I definitely want to stay at the venue on the Friday. The wedding is on the Saturday. We said of course. She said that there is no bar or restaurant, only what we take. Fine, we said, we'll pick some things up to take with us. She kept asking if we were sure, and that it's no problem but there's not much about. We double checked again that she'd be there too, and she said yes. She said she was worried we'd be bored if we stayed there.

AIBU to be confused? We're only going to see her get married. Why would we want to stay elsewhere? Am I missing something?

I actually don’t think she’s trying to boot you out btw. I think she’s suddenly remembered you won’t have any dinner on arrival and is scoping out whether etiquette/expectation dictates whether she should order something.

I remember planning my wedding and I would occasionally get in a bit of a flap about one particular detail. Then get over it pretty quick. But a wedding does require a lot of thought. So I wonder if this has just occurred to her and it’s her current detail to flap about?
Whichever it is, I would definitely just ask her for my own peace of mind. But along the lines of ‘totally understand if you need the room for someone else, but we’re now concerned about finding somewhere else for Friday, then re-packing and getting to you on Saturday to get ready etc’

Just take some pot noodles!
I reckon she’s just stressed out - I married last year and got a bit like this and mine was only 90mins drive away from where me and my family live. I worried people were feeling obliged to stay over when they maybe couldn’t afford it etc. (my venue was a posh hotel with food and drink though!)
I was worrying too much about everyone else - it’s normal pre-wedding jitters I think, you start to question whether you’re doing everything right.

She does sound anxious and worried about feeding and entertaining those who arrive the night before. Personally I would google the venue and then see what facilities are nearby, ie shops or restaurants. Then between you two bridesmaids, decide whether to take food with you, pop out to the shop or go to a restaurant. Then you can let the bride know that you are all sorted and can amuse yourselves. It will be in the summer so I am sure there will be somewhere nearby to walk to or take a taxi. I would imagine this would relieve some of the bride’s anxiety and there may be others staying who would appreciate the ideas.

I certainly would not leap to the conclusion that you are not welcome on the Friday night.

Ahha - so no compromise from you then. Has to be your way. Says a hell of a lot about you. You’ll be her bridesmaid when it’s convenient and on your terms. No wonder she is struggling to tell you straight. You’d rip her to pieces

Wtf? What a completely weird and unbalanced post! Are we reading the same thread

Has she maybe just realised that her and fiance will need separate rooms to keep up the groom shouldn't see the bride in the morning of the wedding tradition and theres no other room available?

I would say, go with the flow. Assume since staying there is optional that you need to pay for that night.
When the night comes, see how she is, she may want you there she may just go to her room and chill. I guess she is managing your expectations that it’s not going to be a big party night. It’s not personal. Weddings are stressful for the bride.

Putting myself in her shoes, this would be something I would fret over - that my friends are flying in, getting there later afternoon/early evening and may be expecting a bar or food or entertainment. You've said it's a manor type place that's not got much round it. Maybe it's just the sort of person I am but I would worry that my friends wouldn't like it or would expect more or would feel I've put them up somewhere rubbish and it would play on my mind so I might belabour the point too much

Others probably wouldn't but you mentioned she can get anxious so maybe just say to her "hey you seem a bit stressed about us needing to be fed or entertained, don't worry about it, we're here to see you have a happy day so don't put extra pressure on yourself"

She said she was worried we'd be bored if we stayed there.

I know this is not the MN way, but:

Is it possible she was just worried you would be bored and checking you didn't want to stay somewhere more lively/better facilities and taxi to the place?

this would be something I would fret over - that my friends are flying in, getting there later afternoon/early evening and may be expecting a bar or food or entertainment

And rightly so.

Ok not the bar or entertainment, but her friends are travelling abroad to be her bridesmaids, presumably at some expense, using up annual leave at work, taking a flight, a train then a taxi, and the bride, knowing there is nothing nearby, is she’s telling them there’ll be no food, bring your own she’s not even arranging some drinks and nibbles - that’s absolutely piss poor!

Who bets JonSlow is the bride to be and hoping to guilt trip bridesmaid via Mumsnet to give up the room? 😂

Maybe she is worried that she will have to entertain you as there isn't much to do. I'm sure she will be busy and maybe feels guilty that she may not be able to give you much of her time whilst you are there

The decorating, catering etc is being done by the couple

Word of advice OP bring extra crisps. I predict the the happy couple will be too stressed to cater and you might end up having to eat one of the wedding party.

Here's a thought..just ask her directly? 🤷‍♀️

I think she's stressing about it all being perfect and is worrying that you won't enjoy it because of the place you are staying at not being able to provide a meal for you when you arrive after you've been travelling.

Just ask her? What’s the point of guessing when she could just tell you!

The decorating, catering etc is being done by the couple. She's going to spend the day/night before organising this @Despolime hence the "bored" comment.

I'm not getting the I don't want you there vibe .

I'm getting the jittery panicked bride who wants everything to be perfect and all her guests to be happy vibe.

Just reassure her that you realise it's not going to be a big shindig and that you can be fully prepared for any meals might be a bit off the hoof. Maybe offer to organise some food or something. If there's not going to be many of you and all in one place

She's just anxious you will be ok and enjoy your time, she's probably aware of how much it's costing everyone and wanting to make sure everyone is happy, she is over thinking it but I wouldn't take it as a hint she doesn't want you there ... The most I fretted about was this kind of stuff, worrying that I was asking too much of friends and that people would enjoy their time etc she's probably like me, looking back ridiculous but you get caught up in all the worries!

Take enough food for breakfast too, and maybe a travel kettle and some tea bags!

Weddings are anxiety inducing for everyone, let alone someone you say does get anxious, so that seems the most likely explanation.

As pp's have said ring her and have another chat about it, check that there's nothing else. Then accept whatever it is she tells you, rather than read something else into it.

If I was saying that to my friends it would be because I was worried that they would be bored. Would DEFINITELY not be to hint at people not to come - that's very rude! You know your friend best - is she more likely to be rude or to be considerate of you and not want you to be bored?

Maybe she's just abit stressed about the wedding and making sure everyone's still happy with the arrangements so she doesn't have to worry about anything going on the day/weekend

Is it possible her family have made it clear that they expect a lot of attention the night before, and she’s trying to tell you that you’ll hardly see her?
Bear in mind if it turns out you can’t stay there on the Friday, you could stay in the city you’re flying into and that would be your food and entertainment sorted for the night.

She is managing your expectations, trying to avoid there being any drama if you turn up expecting there to be somewhere you can eat and relax and find there is none. People jumping to her not wanting you there are being ridiculous.

If she is generally an anxious person, the last thing she wants is her bridesmaids a taxi ride away on the morning of her wedding.