To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

I think it's a mindset thing. You've done it for so long, why would she want to change? What's in it for her?

I have had many parenting failures, believe you me! so I'm not being smug here :

but both my boys have always got up basically on their own.

And washed and showered and brush teeth and put uniform on as soon as they get up and then go downstairs for breakfast. snacks Ds1 (primary) and sandwiches Ds2 (GCSE's) dome the night before.

I have to do little. In fact in my new job I'm now leaving at this time. I sometimes pour the cereal or make them toast but generally they do it themselves.

but I actually have no idea why they do this ! I think it's because DS1 likes to leave early and go to secondary school and meet all his mates?

where is DS2 has just started to walk to school, he is in his final year of primary, on his own. so I'm not sure there's much motivation For himto actually do it!!

as I said, why should she even care ? she probably doesn't even care that you're all late or she has to go back into the house to clean her teeth! she probably just sees it as a hassle and that's a very difficult thing to change. I'm not even sure quite how you change that?

Making lunches for a high school child is insanity..

I have a primary aged child as well - so doing three to five, two secondary school children and possibly two adults as well, at same time makes sense at the moment.

When one of them does it for us - they do all of them they don't just do their own.

It's like the washing machine - they can put washes - and sometimes do when they want somethig quick or when asked to do so- but generally most of the washing is still done by us - their parents.

They can do it - just at the minute we don't need them to - but the situation isn't fixed and will adapt with time and circumstances.

I do think it might be time to let her take some responsibility for herself now. She's a teenager and more than capable of getting herself up, ready and out for school every day. She doesn't have to because she knows you will always provide a safety net. If she's regularly being late, forgetting books and PE kit, she will probably start getting detentions and that might be enough for her to get her act together. You're not doing her any favours in the long run by facilitating her laziness.

But as my teens have got older, I have also realised, that a bit of loving support can come in the way of a packed lunch, or a wake up call
Agree. Families help each other out. I did things for my late dh, he did things for me. I help my kids out, they are kind and do things for me.
I was expected to get to and from school from infant school age, my mum never lifted a finger if she could get me to do something. In turn i feel no desire to help her now I've left home. It's called being kind and as long as you make sure kids learn to do things independently in time, it's ok to help them out.

Agree if it’s families helping each other out. We’re a team and all do stuff to help each other when they need it.

However with some people it’s all one way traffic and the dcs are not expected to do anything. This is where it’s wrong and teaching them absolutely nothing.

I’d go further and say it’s hugely detrimental , for boys especially, to assume that women in their lives are there to wait on them hand and foot.

I've supported my children throughout their teens. Getting them up, chivvying them along, nagging and probably doing what alot of people on this thread think is babying them. As they get older, almost imperceptibly, the level of interference they need changes.

I agree with the PP that says it's just loving support. I like doing it and I feel that my children appreciate it (and some of them, who are less organised or who are not morning people need it).

I've sent 2 children off to university and they are both fine. More than fine. I don't agree that this creates a load of inadequate adults.

I draw the line at making lunch though. And pay for them to get a lunch at school.

Back to the OP. I think it's fine OP. You know your child more than anyone else on this thread. You know if she's being unreasonable, or whether at 12 (when she's just a child really) she needs your support, whether because she's a bit disorganised or she's not able to sort herself out. I don't agree with the advice to leave her to it and she'll soon learn. But you know her best. Good luck!

My son is like this. He is a hormonal pre-teen. Sleeps a lot.

He knows his uniform and packed lunch etc are his responsibilities, if they arent done then tough, he has a creased uniform and starves at school. It's not neglect it is teaching them a lesson.

Stop doing these things for her.
She'll expect it all through secondary school.
By year 8, having got myself ready and to school all through year 7 (2 bus journey) I'd perfected my morning routine. I'd say she should be more capable of doing it herself

Some mums like being needed and run around after teenagers long after it is necessary. If you need to be needed go ahead, but it is your needs you are fulfilling.

Start pulling back. Not necessarily stopping it all at once but just start making her do things. Get her to make her lunch the night before. Then she just has to grab it. Wake her up the once not twice. Etc.

My DS11 and DD7 have alarms and wake up and get dressed and make their own breakfast etc. DS11 also makes his own packed lunch. I make DD7s still. DS does however get distracted once he is ready for school fiddling with TV or phone or whatever and I'm still yelling at the door that we are leaving so there is no winning 😂

Let her be late and hungry, she's too old to be treated like a small child, at this point you're just enabling.

Take all electronics away at 8pm also, at least she will be asleep on time and buy her an alarm clock.

Time for some life lessons.

Some mums like being needed and run around after teenagers long after it is necessary. If you need to be needed go ahead, but it is your needs you are fulfilling.

@karencantobe maybe some do but there is a middle ground parenting too!! It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other! My dm did plenty for me as a teenager and I equally helped her out in many ways!! I don’t understand this whole “shut down shop” theory of parenting..I mean essentially what does THAT teach them...that once their parents deem them old enough they are dropped like a hot potato and expected to fend for themselves!!??how wonderful!

I had four children and now I'm a parenting coach. What I did was give each child an alarm clock, and expect each to be down for breakfast at 7.20, fully dressed. Then they each made their own lunchboxes, did their teeth, and were ready to leave the house at 8.05. Not ready? They would have been left behind (not that that ever happened.) I would suggest that you explain this isn't working for you, and agree a morning routine that works for you both. Expect her to follow it, and be utterly calm if she is late. Just leave without her, and expect her to get herself to school. Or return afterwards and VERY CALMLY drive her to school, so she can sign in late. If you keep on being the 'getting ready in the morning' monitor she'll fight against you. But if you expect her to take responsibility for getting herself up, she'll soon learn. Good luck!

I am not advocating the other extreme either. We have teenagers and unlike some DP and I wash, dry and iron their clothes and cook evening meals. But unless they have issues, I do expect them to brush their teeth without being reminded and to make their own lunches and breakfasts. At weekends we might sometimes do a cooked breakfast which either DP or I would make, but I am not pouring cereal and milk into a bowl for a teenager.

DD year 8. Has own alarm clock (she chose, quite fancy one), gets up, dressed and breakfasts before anyone else gets up. Uses bus app so she leaves on time with no adult input/reminding.

My son is 15. Year 11. Since year 7 he has had to get everything he needs ready for next day night before. Set an alarm to wake himself up. I used to wake him every day about 6 times and got annoyed at it. He was late once got an hours detention and hasn’t been late since. They have to learn to be responsible for themselves x

I would do It step by step.
Either you or she makes her lunch the night before. Make her pack her bag the night before. Supervise her getting every item of uniform out the night before - including shoes and coat, and hanging it/ piling it all in one place so that there’s no panic for clean tights in the morning.
Stand there with arms crossed watching her do it - she’ll soon get fed up of that, then switch to a list of these chores which you check and tick off - and then eventually she ticks off.
As for getting her up, my mum bought my lazy daughter a natural light alarm clock - the room gradually fills with light and wakes them slowly and more naturally.
Start training the little ones in small ways now.
I’m saying all this because I did everything for my two eldest - learnt the hard way and have shoved my younger two into independence much earlier. I’ve found the chores/tick list really effective.
Good luck.

@karencantobe maybe some do but there is a middle ground parenting too!! It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other! My dm did plenty for me as a teenager and I equally helped her out in many ways!! I don’t understand this whole “shut down shop” theory of parenting..I mean essentially what does THAT teach them...that once their parents deem them old enough they are dropped like a hot potato and expected to fend for themselves!!??how wonderful!hmm

Refreshingly sensible, I totally agree. And when they have problems or are poorly as young teens, they are really still so young.
Find a balance.

I think it's unreasonable and harsh to expect a 12 year old to make her own school lunch. My ds is 14 and has a cashless account but he occasionally likes to take a packed lunch and I have no issues with making him a sandwich and putting it in a bag with crisps and whatever. My son is very mature capable and independent but while he is at school I will happily make his lunch.

Unreasonable and harsh to make a sandwich?
I don't care that you make your 14-year old a sandwich, but I am taken aback you find that harsh.

Oh OP I feel for you.

I have 4 DC - 10, 5 and 11months.

The two elder are usually awake before me, amusing themselves. I just pop in and tell them it's time to get up. They get dressed, washed and downstairs by them selves. DC 10 also took on the responsibility of making breakfast while I get the baby ready. I make their lunches and DC10 leaves for school on his own (we live literally next door to the school - I can watch him go in the gate!) Then me and the other 2 walk to school together.

Why are you still getting your secondary school age DD out of bed?! Buy her an alarm clock - explain that you will no longer be responsible for her getting up. Make her lunch the night before - she either takes it or starves! Tell her your leaving with the other DC in X amount of minutes and if she isnt ready; she'll have to make her own way!
Little bit of tough love is needed imo 🤷‍♀️

That said tho - you are doing great mumma! Keep up the hard work and dont be so hard on yourself! xxx

My daughter is the same! Y8 at school and I’m still babying her, we do have some rules, where her school bag is ready the night before as well as her uniform. She is an only child though, perhaps try and get some stuff done by her the night before. Good luck with everything!

Do stuff the night before....my view parents job at that age is just get them their.
Get them alexa and put numerous alerts

" I walk her to school because her school is on the same road as her younger siblings and she wants to walk with us."
If she wants to walk with you, then she has to get up. If she doesn't, she walks alone. And is late. And pays the consequences. I gritted my teeth an allowed DS to get detentions for this sort of stuff. He learned.

DS is 12. We wake him once, he’s up in 5 mins although moans lots about it. Manages to dress himself (no uniform) and get himself downstairs for breakfast. DH makes lunch for both dc each morning, and they all leave for school in the car 45 mins after waking him. It works fine.
Could your dd get her bag ready the night before, and anything else that needs to be got ready? We’re TRYING to install this habit in ds but it’s tough going! I reckon the simpler the morning is the smoother it’ll go...and maybe you should only wake your dd once so she knows that she cannot just go back to sleep for another half hour. Does she understand how much stress her being late can cause? It’s a horrible way for everyone to start their day. Perhaps she needs to be more considerate of others?