To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

My mum stopped making my packed lunch in year 5 or so when I came home from school and moaned about what she had given me.

And I never got money for school dinners.
You quickly learn

But.. I would drop one thing at a time (like aPP suggested). She can learn one lesson at a time..

This is why I love the fact mine get the school bus. (3 aged 11,14 & 16) They know if they miss it they have to go and get the train instead which takes twice as long and involves more walking! And yes they’ve had to do it once or twice!

I’ve been very lucky with them really but I think it’s because dh and I err on the stricter side.
I also leave them to their own devices with packing their bags the night before and ensuring they have everything they need ready pe kits etc. I will remind them the night before that’s it. I don’t even remember which days they have pe most of the time, it’s up to them to remember!
The only thing I do is lay out their uniform the night before. They have school dinners cos it’s easier.
Far too much helicopter parenting goes on nowadays I think. Being responsible for certain things is only going to benefit them.

My year 8 & 9 dd’s get themselves up (phone alarms) and ready and out by 8 for bus, I make sure they have bags packed night before and uniforms are out ready for them but they’re self sufficient with everything else

My dd is also 12, year 8. She is not 13 for a few months yet. She has a health issue which makes her tired, so I do factor that in, but in the morning I press a shirt and trousers for her and lay her clothes out in the bed while she has breakfast. I also press a shirt for dd1 (just turned 15). DH does a packed lunch for both of them.
Dd2 is usually ready on time, but she does need that help. She does her bag the night before. Dd1 is never ready and is much less organised !

Some of these posts are depressing reading. So many people seem to think they're doing their child a huge favour just by waking them up in the morning or, shock horror, making them a packed lunch. Why are we so keen for our children to be completely independent once they hit secondary?

Wtf, some parents are so lenient!

In year 8 I set my own alarm, got all my stuff ready and got myself to the bus stop on time. My mum did still make me lunch the night before, but I think I started to do my own from year 9. If I was late I missed the bus and had to sort myself out as my parents were already on their way to work.

I'd agree with PPs to make the changes incrementally, but ffs make her stand on her own feet.

Try to set her up for success.
Insist lunch is made the night before
Homework sorted and kit and uniform out

Alarm set but not next to her bed
Teeth before breakfast, send her back if she hasn't done them.

Tell her you'll remind her but you're backing off as she's a teenager now.

And let her be late, Walker her twice one week, then one reminder, then a reminder as you're slamming the door behind you..

namechangetheworld
Because if they don’t learn independence in the teenage years they will then turn into adults who are not self sufficient and able to perform tasks independently. You are not doing your dc’s a favour in the long run by doing everything for them.
It doesn’t mean you love your children less by teaching them independence, you do realise that?

My Y9 daughter is the same! I get her out of bed, after she has slept through three hideously loud alarms - I won’t make her lunch, so she mostly has school dinners. It’s like telling her that she has to clean her teeth is brand new information every day! She’s pushing it later and later and I’ve told her that if she’s late for school she lives with consequences, but she knows just how far she can push it and still get to school on time.

Y8 is more than capable of sorting out her own bag and making her own lunch the night before. You are doing her no favours by enabling her.

She knows you will wake her up
She knows you will give her lunch money
She knows you will wait in the cold when she had forgotten something

I have had 3 phone calls from Mums today asking me about apprenticeships for their little cherubs. All 3 were shocked when I asked them to get their teenagers to phone me if they were interested in finding out more. One of them said 'oh but if I didn't phone, he'd never do it himself'. Then he's not ready for the world of work.

Stop mollycoddling your teenagers, they are more capable than you think.

Why are we so keen for our children to be completely independent once they hit secondary?

For me, by the time my children finish secondary I want them to be able to have all the skills to lead a successful adult life. So that's all self-care tasks, budgeting, cooking, meal planning, how to cook and clean, how to interact with utility providers. I feel that the best way to do that is by gradually introducing these tasks in our supportive home environment.

When I went to uni I saw so many people who hadn't had to do anything at home who were completely helpless. I saw people who couldn't use a washing machine, people who couldn't cook anything and lived on toast and microwave meals, people who didn't understand that they had to keep communal areas clean and people who spent their whole student loan in a month and had nothing left to live on.

At the end of the day, my aim is to raise competent and confident adults and I plan to do that by gradually increasing their level of responsibility (bearing in mind their ages, how sensible they are, how they have handled other responsibilities).

@NYCDreaming it’s clearly two very different pictures.

I think there's a world of difference between teaching your children independence and treating them as an inconvenience. My DM made my lunches and drove me to school when I was likely to miss the bus, and as far as I'm aware, I've turned into a relatively self sufficient adult.

Lipper we will have to agree to disagree.

And just for the record, my mother got up with us all pretty much every school morning and made a cooked breakfast! We helped out! And we all sat and ate breakfast and then my dad would drive us to school....and would you believe my dB and I are very capable adults!!

What teenager doesn't love an unpaid personal assistant to do it all for them?

Handed independence to both of mine when they went into secondary.

Not smug just wasn't prepared to run around after able bodied young knowing that if I didn't I would make a rod for my own back and raise young adults with no sense of responsibility and respect.

I bet they get out of bed if they're motivated by something important to them

You’ve articulated it perfectly NYCdreaming. Learning these essential skills is a journey so start them with age appropriate tasks. It’s killing kids with kindness and fostering laziness and entitlement if you do everything for them.

I would get them to pack their bag the night before. I probably still made rolls up until year 10/11 as I’m doing them for me anyway, but they have to grab/pack anything else they want themselves-fruit/chocolate etc. I only add money to their card if for some reason we’ve run out of bread!

Not sure what to do about the not getting out of bed though-mine have never done that -I’d be tempted to warn them I will just leave them and let them suffer the consequences.

I think there’s a halfway house between ‘my 4 year old can cook, clean and get themselves to school’, and ‘i do everything for my adult son’. Each child is different and needs different levels of support.

Yes, I wake elder dc up, make pack lunch (or at least the sandwich element, when making my lunch), drive him to school (semi rural environment), but that doesn’t stop him able to do this when needed. Not the driving bit yet, he catches a bus home.

He doesn’t voluntarily help around the house (typical teen) but will do when asked.

My youngest has had to get himself organised in the morning since he was that age. I leave the house at 7.20 am for work. I wake him before I am ready to leave but after that it is on him to get himself ready and out the door for the bus which is at 8.20. If he faffs and misses the bus he has to walk which makes him late.
The school is 2.5 miles away. He is very rarely late and manages to get up, shower, teeth, breakfast, lock up etc with no input from me.

😬 I fear this may not go down well here BUT my year 8, age 13 has totally off his own back, since the start of January, got himself up (sets 2 alarms), makes his breakfast and - wait for it - brings me a cup of tea in bed!! I have no idea what’s changed since Christmas (he was a nightmare a lot of last year) but I’m not knocking it

Lipper what I said was entirely accurate. They do get their own breakfast, from start to finish. I didn’t leave out the information deliberately, it was just a short comment to the OP to try to illustrate how life is in other homes. And actually, if I were upstairs getting ready or in the shower, does it really matter?

I’m not asking them to do these things because I’m a lazy cow (I have four kids, a job and a business to run with zero childcare and no familial help. There’s no time to be lazy) I do them because everyone should do these things with their kids. They’re age appropriate life skills. It’s not like I’m sending them up a chimney at 6am every day.

12/13 is very different from 15/16

In less than a year my dd has had to deal with starting high school, starting periods, friendship group changes, 1st phone, 1st bank card, 1st trips into town alone, etc etc. They have a LOT going on!
I support dd where i can, but with a view to teaching her so she can eventually do these things alone.

Neither of us are morning people so EVERYTHING needs done the night before- she has to sort clothes, sports kit, homework etc.
I make packed lunches or at least lay out the basis of them to make in the morning.
We're all trying to get out at the same time so i wake her when there's a free slot in the bathroom! Breakfast only when she's totally ready so if push comes to shove she can eat something on the walk up.
If i left her to do it all herself she absolutely could but it wouldn't fit in with everyone else getting ready, and the house would probably be a huge mess!
Keys - can you fit a key safe ? I don't trust dd yet to be last out, but if need be she can access it to let herself in.

Mine has to be ready at 7.30am to leave for the bus. Every minute after that equals 10 mins earlier to bed that night!

It seems like a lot of 12 year olds are getting seriously babied having their breakfast made for them etc. What 11 yr old can't get their own cereal or toast? My 3 year old measures out the oats and milk for the porridge in the morning while I make my coffee, he isnt allowed to touch the microwave obviously but I know he knows how long it goes in for and which buttons to press.

My cack handed 6 year old nephew can make a ham sandwich so an 11 year should be able to.

If they are sleeping through alarms just buy a really loud one and position it where they must get out of bed to switch off.

When I was 11 everyone made their own lunches, I'm surprised that these days with more working parents more kids are having it made for them.