To stop helping high school aged child in the morning?

[user1333796]

Year 8, second year high school.

Every morning I wake DD up nicely.
Every morning I wake up DD again half an hour later, not so nicely.
Every morning I have to hurry her on, ask her why she isn't dressed yet, tell her we will be late.
Every morning I have to remind her to brush her teeth and sort her bag. When we are walking out the front door she has always failed to do at least one of these things and has to go back inside while the rest of us freeze on the street waiting.
Every morning I make her lunch. I've said she has to do it herself, but in the morning rush, if I don't do it she just won't have time to make one and then I have to add money on to her account which costs me twice as much and teaches her nothing.
Every morning we are stressed and I'm dragging her younger siblings to school in a rush and only just making it because of her. The younger siblings are that much younger that I do everything for them too, so its not that they are more independent.

I keep threatening eldest that I won't even wake her the first time anymore and she will just have to be very late and explain to her form tutor herself. I haven't actually followed through because I'm not sure if it is age expected and that would be neglectful.

Just before anyone suggests it, she definitely isn't up all night on a mobile phone or other device. I have caught her secretly listening to music on headphones or reading very late, but this isn't every night so it's not a case of needing earlier nights imo.

Anyone care to tell me how much they do for the same, or similar age secondary child? Please say age and year. Would I be unreasonable to leave when the rest are ready to fend for herself?

Our role as parents is to raise our children so they can stand on their own two feet and be independent. Every child is different so will manage some tasks earlier or later than others. Parents who don’t give children the chance to learn independence are causing the children and themselves issues. The parents babying children don’t help anyone. I find most children are far more capable than you expect it is just no one has ever let them get on with it. I applaud the parent who lets their 3 year old make their own breakfast. Super for confidence.

My DS is yr 7, was the same but I couldn't continue to assist in mornings when work pattern changed. He ended up getting very late trains to school, letter home about attendance and nealry lost out on school disco. He now makes sure he is ready to leave on time as he doesn't want the dressing down from form tutor!!

Does no one think this sounds like classic ADHD-I??? Forgetfulness, disorganisation, time-blindness, losing things, sleep issues (possibly - people with ADHD often don't get into deep sleep so struggle to wake). I know people think it's overdiagnosed in the States, but in fact its woefully underdiagnosed in the UK - especially in girls who often don't have the hyperactivity.

I was this girl. And I can tell you, there was no way, despite trying really hard, that I could've done mornings at this age without help. And the constant criticism about my inadequacies had a huge, life-long effect on my self-esteem. For 2/3 of people, the effects continue into adulthood. I was finally diagnosed at 42. But the great news is it's the most treatable neurological condition there is.

If she's always been disorganised, messy, forgetful, a procrastinator etc, please consider an assessment. If it's not the case, no harm, no foul. 🤷‍♀️

😂 I get mine up in the morning but that's it. She does her own breakfast and sometimes lunch or pays at school. Sorts herself out with what she needs for lessons and leaves the house without me telling her.

Been like this for a few years now as I'm working and was a single mother.

My daughter is in year 8. It's exactly the same! I also do her hair and make her breakfast. But she's only turned 13. I figure one day she won't need me and I'll miss these mornings really. I've learned to tell her ("brush your teeth!" a lot earlier than needs to be done.

when i was 10 i was the only one left in the house at 7am so i had to get up, get ready, eat, sort lunch and get bus on time to school. If i didnt i would have been in big trouble.

Let her be late and dont add money to account, let her go hungry

Mine are 9 and 11 don't have smart phones yet but do have ipads. I got fed up with them dragging their feet in the morning so introduced an incentive that has worked for a couple of years now. Our house rule is that they get up at 6.30/7 get dressed, do music practice while I make breakfast. They then eat breakfast, pack school bags, clean teeth, shoes on and everything they need by the front door. Once all that is done any spare time before we leave be it 30mins or 5mins they can play on their ipads. My son will get an iphone soon and this rule will apply to that too.

This works for us but I my two are usually awake before 7 without my help so, I may just be lucky.

@PandamoniMum

It was the first thought that crossed my mind.

Classic.

I think at that age they are full of hormones, bodies and brains changing rapidly. Personally I would cut them some slack in a morning (not always possible if you have work). They can still have some independence and responsibilities, in other ways.

My DS is 12, year 8. He’s not a morning person, struggles to get up, not keen on breakfast and very slow. For these reasons he gets organised the night before so as soon as he gets home from school he does his home work, sorts his bag, PE kit, music stuff, cookery ingredients and anything else he needs for the next day. He puts it all in the hallway so he won’t forget anything. He makes his packed lunch too. He has been doing this since about year 6 in Primary School. He’s not the most organised person and needed help/ reminding when was younger but since the start of year 7 he has really improved. He know there is no media/ TV/ Xbox/ friends/ activities etc until all of these jobs are done. In the mornings I wake him and we have to remind him to get up and get in the shower. He doesn’t help getting breakfast ready as he is usually either in the shower or taking ages getting dressed. It takes him forever to eat breakfast and we have to remind him to hurry up. He’s fine with brushing teeth etc and gets on with it. He refuses to dry or brush his hair and often won’t take a coat but I have learnt to be selective about what battles to fight. He walks to the bus stop and catches the bus. He has it down to a tee and knows exactly what time he needs to leave the house. He has missed the bus twice in 2 years, which I think is pretty good. His school is miles and miles away, we live in the middle of no where so walking to school would take over 2 hours on twisty country lanes with no pavements. When he has missed the buss one of has had to take time off work so he knows he has to catch the bus. If he has forgotten something, he has to do without as we all leave for work when he leaves. He also has to help with jobs hoovering etc etc as we all muck in. He goes to bed at 9 pm and light off by 9.30 pm as he needs his sleep and struggles to get up now never mind if he went later. If you want your child to be more organised I’d agree with her one thing she needs to do e.g sort out her bag the night before. Have consequences if she does do it/ you have to constantly remind. Once this is established for a few weeks agree another job and so on. It might feel like hard work but it will be worth it.

God, some parents sound very draconian. All this talk about "pulling back" "let dc go hungry" "make them pay for their own lunch"...These are young teens we are talking about not adults. Teenagers need support and care from their parents as much as they did when they were younger even though it may not appear so. With some posters here there appears to be a cut off point and an attitude of "They're 12 now, I can stop caring for them" @,karencantobe I don't understand your comment. You say you're taken aback that I feel it unreasonable and harsh to.make a sandwich? Huh? That's not what I said. Also, it's not about the sandwich in itself. It's about a parent saying to a 12 year old "Oh, you're in Year 7 now totally look after yourself when it comes to school, pay for your lunch out of your pocket money if you have to." That to me IS unreasonable and harsh.

Then let her go hungry. No wonder young adults these days are such snowflakes and cannot look after themselves properly, all because you keep pandering to them, doing stuff that thye ought to be doing for themselves and never expecting any resposiblity from them. In the past and to this day in many cultures a child of 12 would be looking after younger siblings, making them breakfast and taking them to school whilst mum and dad are out to work. Not saying this is right either, but what you are doing to your children is terrifying for their futures, you are not helping them, you are teaching them to be helpless. You're spoiling them, de-skilling them and setting them up to be useless, irresponsible adults who will fail out there in the big bad world.

DD got the shock of her life last year when I got sick. I used to do pretty much everything for her and all of a sudden mum often couldn’t get out of bed in the morning and DH would iron her uniform for her but thought she was old enough to sort the rest. A year on I am well but she sets her alarm for 6.15 and is up within five minutes, lunch is made and bag packed the night before, she’s not a big breakfast person but usually makes a smoothie so all I have to do is buy the fruit. She gets bus/train to school and has never been late. DH or I tried to drive her for her 7.30am starts twice a week but if DH was away and I was unwell she knew she had to be on the early bus. I’m not advocating cancer as a strategy 😂 but just wanted to say that it is possible for them to be organised if they have to be. Yes, teenage brain and all the rest, but a ,it of it is about ha it’s that can be changed. Good luck.

DTs, Yr 7, age 11 3/4 . Starting to think I do too much for them.....

I did it all at primary but when they started secondary I have been trying to make them more responsible. However, I set the alarm and wake them both, neither has a reliable clock. Perhaps I should rethink that.

They get up as soon as I wake them and dress. I make breakfast, remind them to clean their teeth and get them going at 8 otherwise they'll miss the bus at 8.10. If I wasn't there nagging I doubt they'd get going in time.

I clean the mud off their shoes each night and tell them if they need clean uniform items the next day. I also clean football boots etc. They do make their lunches (some days they have school dinners), water bottles, pack bags and sort homework and PE kit the night before - but I always check everything and remind them again. We have a sticky note by the kitchen door saying all the things they need to consider in the morning, but I'm not sure they really look at it.

I also tell them / ask them who has after school clubs, who needs picking up later, who's coming back on the bus etc each day. It's hard to know what our expectations should be at this age, really......

At least I'm not juggling younger ones. Good luck!

Just read the comments about ADHD. DS has autism and ADHD - possibly why I cut them both a bit of slack. But that's no excuse for not trying to teach him responsibility. He is time-blind (never heard that before, but so true) but he knows to tell Alexa to give him reminders, and he's often better than DD at sorting out out his stuff. As other PPs have said - you choose your battles, and maybe go for step by step.

@bbq1 you said it was unreasonable and harsh to get a 12 year old to make their own sandwich for lunch. No one is talking about leaving a 12 year old to look after themselves.

Hey there
My DD is in year 7. She has lost keys, PE kit almost everything!
I would advise a key safe - she can keep the passcode on her phone
(They never lose their phones do they! Lol)
She does her bag uniform etc night before.
I wake her up and do her breakfast but she does and can do her own if I'm busy with the other children.

If she forgets to pack her lunch then I do transfer the money across to the cashless account at school but it's taken out her pocket money for that week (she has £5 a week).

I hope all this helps.
You daughter sounds like a normal teen - they will always allow you to do stuff for them but are very self suffice when they want to be!!

Ds2 is in yr 7. He's slow to get up in the morning but once he's out of bed gets on with getting ready without being pushed along. He has an older brother and sister who are both getting ready so I suppose there is always someone doing the same stuff in the morning alongside him.
I prepare the main part of their lunches but it's upto them to fill there water bottles and pick a snack.
The most I have to do is remind them to wear woolly hats and cross the road carefully on their walk to school.
My younger dd is nearly 4 so the older 3 are already gone to school whilst I get her ready. ( Boys start at 8 and older daughter at 8:20)

The law says her going to school and getting there on time is still your responsibility.
If she's late enough, often enough, it'll be your name on the penalty notice not hers
And if she carries on, it'll be you going to court not her.

My boy the same age gets up and sees to himself. I do his lunch. My girl is the same as yours but she is 2 years younger.

Talk to her.

Say that no-one is enjoying the nagging and rush in the mornings so what can be done about it?

Maybe she'd prefer to have only one wake-up call, knowing she has to get up then rather than snoozing on?

It will not have occurred to your DD to do anything like get her bag ready the night before, because she's following your lead on how things are to be done.

Find out how she feels about the whole thing and you should be able to make progress.

I have 3 boys aged 19,15 and 13 and a 7 year old girl.

All 3 boys have been sleeping a lot longer as they hit puberty. 12-13 hours not unusual at weekend. I remember napping in the afternoon aged 14-15 myself.

On a school day the 13 year old gets up at 6.30 using his alarm, makes sure the 15 year old is up (!) and gets ready. He then makes breakfast for his little sister and packs her water bottle and banana while I drop the 15 year old to the bus stop (too far to walk)

The 7 year old will get herself dressed and brush teeth etc. She then walks to school with her brother.

I do believe it has a bit to do with character as DS3 has always preferred to wake early and stresses about being on time.

As pp have said no need to be too harsh and enforce all rules at once but they should be doing chores and being more independant at that age imo. I will not let them go hungry at school and have occasionally dropped forgotten items to school for DS3. If he wasnt so helpful in the mornings, I might be less inclined to!

i was pampered by my mum at that age and left for uni not knowing how to cook the most basic thing or how to use the washing machine 🙈 on the other hand I had to take a bus, ferry and metro to school at 14, so I was more streetwise I suppose...

My DD is in Y7 and would be just as bad as your DD, but we make sure she has bag packed, uniform out and packed lunch made the night before. All she has to do is roll out of bed, get dressed and eat. She is so tired every morning but refuses to go to bed a 8.30. I have to nag her out of bed, but she is so terrified of being late, it doesn't take too long.

Let her be late.
Also, don't put £ on her card - she needs to learn to be organised & pack her lunch and sort her bag out the night before to reduce jobs in the morning.
Buy her a decent alarm clock.