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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why friendships change so much after kids?

209 replies

AIBU25 · 27/01/2020 21:15

I'm prepared to get slaughtered on this but I'm going to put it out there.

I really don't understand why friendships change so much after someone/a couple has children. I understand they have new priorities and less free time but why not make time for your friends? I don't understand how they expect to maintain friendships with absolutely no effort from their side. Most friends would be happy to do kid friendly activities, why not invite people along? People seem to just forget that there was a life before children.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBU25 · 27/01/2020 21:15

And that life goes on in all sorts of ways even after you've had a child!!!

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 27/01/2020 21:18

Really???
I don't have kids, but am perfectly able to understand how much it changes my friends' lives.

TowerRavenSeven · 27/01/2020 21:19

Exhaustion is one reason. Sometimes you just have to do the bare minimum to get through the day when they are little.

thedevilinablackdress · 27/01/2020 21:19

And most people don't assume you're happy to do kid friendly stuff unless you spell it out.

Original poster
AIBU25 · 27/01/2020 21:20

Yep, completely and utterly understand people's lives change. But not making any time for your friends? I just don't get it at all. I understand being tired but sending a text occasionally doesn't take THAT much effort.

OP posts:
Sleeveen · 27/01/2020 21:20

In my experience, childfree people — including me — do not have the slightest interest in the screamy hell that is soft play and the like. When I had a small baby, I felt as though someone had set off a hand grenade in my life and really didn’t have any energy for friends. Mine waited for me to re-emerge.

Randomname85 · 27/01/2020 21:20

I am the person on the other side of this. Most of my mates have all but vanished since I had my daughter 3 years ago. They all meet on Thursday nights in the pub, 1.5 hours on the train from where I now live and don’t like to make time on weekends. It’s incredibly sad for me because I just can’t do stuff on weeknights like I used to be able to, our lives are just different now and I have definitely realised who my true friends are since having a child (not many!).

No one seems to ever want to come and visit. The times I am able to see them, I am always going to them.

If you are the person you are referring to that would be happy to do activities with the children then that is lovely and a different scenario.

2020runner · 27/01/2020 21:21

Yabu

Randomname85 · 27/01/2020 21:21

When I had a small baby, I felt as though someone had set off a hand grenade in my life and really didn’t have any energy for friends.

100% true, I hope mine wait for me to re-emerge 🙄

Dividingthementalload · 27/01/2020 21:22

Have you got children OP?

BanginChoons · 27/01/2020 21:24

My very low maintenance friendships are the ones that lasted.

BackforGood · 27/01/2020 21:25

and, despite being on MN far too much quite a lot, over many, many years, I find it incredibly difficult to understand how so many people get through life without having any understanding that other people's lives are different, from their own. That some people cope better than others with similar circumstances, and that some people are totally overwhelmed by having a new baby / small child. In addition to that, some babies are really hard work.

Obsidian77 · 27/01/2020 21:26
Biscuit
Original poster
AIBU25 · 27/01/2020 21:27

I just think it's unreasonable to make no effort with your friends and then just expect them to be there waiting for you months and months later. I understand being tired as I said but as I've said, sending a text doesn't take much energy.

OP posts:
Merrz · 27/01/2020 21:27

I completely get your thought op, I used to wonder the same, used to get quite pissed with friends who would have babies then pretty much blank non baby friends. But since having a baby last year I have done the same Blush not at all intentional but it's not until you have a baby that you realise how much it really takes over your life, not just the obvious day to day but baby becomes your entire world. I know this sounds awful but it's almost like you loose interest and head space for anything or anyone thats not all about the baby.

Bargebill19 · 27/01/2020 21:28

I feel your pain op. It suddenly gets very one sided doesn’t it? It’s ok for them to not make contact or reply to a text for a coupe of weeks, but apparently as the childless one, I am rude and uncaring for not replying within an hour after several weeks of being ignored. I have instead discovered the joy of being alone and muting the phone.

Original poster
AIBU25 · 27/01/2020 21:28

@Randomname85 okay but then why not make the effort to go to that pub meeting once a month? I understand it wouldn't be possible to go every week.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 27/01/2020 21:29

Because it’s impossible for child-free people to grasp the levels of exhaustion and chaos that small children bring to people’s lives. And frankly because being around small kids is pretty dull if you don’t have your own and your friend keeps being interrupted every three seconds.

It does pass. My DD is nearly nine and I am just beginning to get some of my pre kid friendships back now.

I think you have to accept that you are in different places for now but don’t rule out rekindling those friendships.

NaviSprite · 27/01/2020 21:29

By the end of every day with my twins I was and still am mentally tapped out, during the day I’m so busy with them that I barely text my Mum or PIL - it really is that hectic for me. Also my friends pretty much dropped me after a 4 month NICU stint with my twins and DD being on oxygen for several months at home meant that I was also petrified of them getting sick, they had to wait several months past the usual age for their inoculations as they were so tiny and the first set made them incredibly unwell so it goes both ways.

Supersimkin2 · 27/01/2020 21:32

You have to wait for the humans to emerge after the early days - your friend becomes a person again, and the baby starts showing signs of doing so.

People who insist on bringing DC to everything can be a ballache, however. And other people's children are not that interesting, especially not at first. Hey ho, they get delightful a few years later, but it can be a grind.

7salmonswimming · 27/01/2020 21:33

I don’t understand how people can love their pets so much, but I know they do and that’s that. My lack of understanding is nobody’s issue but my own.

Same goes for you.

You are being goady, coming onto a parenting forum with posts as you’ve written them. You’ve no interest in understanding, you’ve already said it’s unreasonable to not take time to send a text.

Finally, sending a text now and then isn’t friendship. It’s something to do. People with small children tend to have plenty else to do, so texting now and then really doesn’t make it onto the To Do list. Friendship takes time and input from both sides.

Mandarinfish · 27/01/2020 21:35

I agree OP. My best friend had her first child when my DC1 was nearly 4, and we stayed close friends throughout. It does take a bit of understanding and flexibility from both of you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2020 21:35

Can you be specific about what’s going on that’s bothered you OP?

I’m friends with plenty of childfree people and becoming a parent hasn’t damaged my relationships with them.

Pipandmum · 27/01/2020 21:35

My friends all had kids before me. I then did all the travelling. I was happy to go to them, hang out with the kids, go on walks, meet up at places like Wisley where the kids could run around, help entertain one child while the other was being put down for a nap etc.
But when I had my kids no one came to me. Their kids were all at school by that time but still it was too inconvenient, even for the ones that didn't work. I lost one very dear friend because of this one sidedness.
But I was also, as a parent, still really happy to do not child -centric things - relieved to work in an office with no other parents. Anyway friendships muddled on.
To be honest there's just as big a divide between coupled up friends and singletons. I was once basically told that as I was on my own I wouldn't fit in at a party where most were couples. And I guess some people feel that way about parents - either you wont fit in not having a child, or after having one you can't talk or think about anything else.

Ohnoherewego62 · 27/01/2020 21:35

I mentally zone out at the end of my day. I literally zone out to recharge.

I work aswell so between that, toddler, partner and house, sometimes all I want is a couple of chat free hours.

I always text my friends but i dont always have the energy or funds to go out to the pub. I offer them to come round and forewarn of bombsite of my home and try to get shrapnel for coffee out buy my child is usually always with me. So my focus is on an exploitative child and making sure she doesnt go off with the stranger shes been trying to get the attention of.

I never knew how much disruption a little one could bring to your life. I adore mine. My life and social life has very much changed since having her. I'm very fortunate to have lovely friends.

It works two ways. I also was invited to less things whilst pregnant and on maternity leave with people assuming I'd be too busy or didnt want to go.