To not understand why friendships change so much after kids?

[AIBU25]

I'm prepared to get slaughtered on this but I'm going to put it out there.

I really don't understand why friendships change so much after someone/a couple has children. I understand they have new priorities and less free time but why not make time for your friends? I don't understand how they expect to maintain friendships with absolutely no effort from their side. Most friends would be happy to do kid friendly activities, why not invite people along? People seem to just forget that there was a life before children.

In my friendship group, the two without kids are the worst at keeping in touch, texting etc

@Yestermost this was one thing my childfree friends could never get their heads around. They would drag me out for a night out then when I was back looking after DD next day they could have proper duvet days to nurse their hangovers. It's not always as simple as "get a babysitter".

I think friendships get much more low maintenance after people have kids. Once a month would be a lot, especially with young DCs. Mine are school age now and I could manage 1 meetup a month across all friends. Apart from good friends whose DD is our DD's friend.

I don't think your friends with DC are expecting you to make the effort that you think they are. I imagine they are responding to your wish to meet up.

I hear you, OP.

I've lost count of the number of friendships, even long-term relationships, that have withered on the vine because, once children came along, I no longer mattered. I'd bend over backwards, saying I'll work around them, go with whatever date suits them, happy to go to whatever child-friendly venue suits them...but it's always one way and falls into all take and no give. I don't ask much in return but just a teeny bit of effort back occasionally - maybe getting a sitter or arranging for their partner to look after the children so that we can go out sans children, just for once, however briefly, so that we can have an actual, equal conversation.

Yet with some it was always too much effort, too inconvenient, too much hassle for them. And somehow it was my fault both ways, when I was accused of being unfair because "You don't understand how hard it is, you don't have kids" (ever thought I've got a pretty damned good idea which is exactly WHY I don't have kids?) and when I'm quietly accused of abandoning friendships because, after a time of being quite lonely actually, not to mention feeing quite pissed off that even the tiniest bit of effort in return was seen as too much to ask, I'd gone off and found new friends, new interests and new things to do so I wasn't around as much any more.

The friendships that have lasted through the arrival/presence of children of all ages, were with those who still at least tried to make the effort.

People are selfish and rude. They use you for their current purpose. YANBU @AIBU25 I speak with experience.

Thinking about it, I have two very long standing friends of 10 years +. Ive been in and out of contact with both of them over the years, however we've always picked things up again when life stops getting in the way.

I think also friendships change over time. For me anyway, when I was younger it was all about going out and getting drunk, having weekends away etc etc. Having a baby during this time would have meant I lost all of those people pretty quickly.

Now its more about catch ups over coffee, maybe lunch, maybe dinner.

I guess my point is that different life stages often will mean you get different responses to situations.

@BrightYellowDaffodil yep to all this. The “you don’t know how hard it is” routine is rather annoying

The first time I expressed a bottle I was about 4 weeks into parenthood. I went to the cinema, phone turned off, for 2 blissful hours. For about 3 months, if I wasn't breastfeeding I was showering, eating or asleep. I managed a weekly NCT meetup as the other mums were also doing it all and nobody minded if we were half an hour late because they were cleaning the car seat, or had to leap up and go because the newborn was inconsolable. Said mums and I finally managed a childfree meal out this weekend and our babies are 15 months old. It's only a few weeks ago I had to be in at 7 every night to feed to sleep.

If I already knew I wasn't going to have the time, motivation or energy to meet a friend then I wouldn't start a text conversation (I would obviously have replied in a crisis). And I cannot even tell you how fast that first year of not having the energy went.

Making time for friends???

That’s a luxury when you have kids than many can I’ll afford, especially as it’s hard to even make the time for a shower!

Whenever given a spare hour/day/weekend, my priority wouldn’t be to see a friend...but to sleep.

That’s why they don’t last, because people without children don’t get that....understandably

You can’t just cruise with the “l have children card”

If they're pulling that card out all the time, i'd be inclined to suggest they're using the child as an excuse and they just dont want to see you.

Randomname85 okay but then why not make the effort to go to that pub meeting once a month? I understand it wouldn't be possible to go every week.

I don't know any mum willing to make a 3hour roundtrip for drinks with friends on a weekday especially if they have a baby, even if it was once a month. Drinks at her local maybe, but any friend who asked or expected that would be unreasonable

I don't know any mum willing to make a 3hour roundtrip for drinks with friends on a weekday especially if they have a baby, even if it was once a month.

I don't know any person willing to make a 3hour roundtrip for drinks with friends on a weekday, even if it was once a month.

I’m mid 30s and over half my girlfriends now have children and I’ve managed to maintain a relationship with all of them although it has changed a great deal but I’m ok with that.

Instead of after work drinks it’s now Saturday’s at a garden centre cafe or coffee at their house with the little ones and all much less frequent (and liable for last minute cancellations!) but that’s ok.

I understand that their life has changed but as we both want to maintain the relationship we have found a way to make it work.

Well I found after having a child my child free friends were not interested, suddenly I was boring and no fun and really I was desperate to maintain my friendships as I needed them more than ever and I felt very let down

@EL8888, what's the issue?? It's annoying for you?

I dont speak for anyone but myself and I can assure you some days it's impossible to get shit done on top of working and all other commitments.

It isnt a routine or an act. It is what it is.

What is with the pity party on here? I remember my life pre child, yes! I cant afford financially, mentally or time wise that lifestyle now. I dont get how you make it about yourselves?

Some of the best people round me when little one was born were my childless friends! They never lost patience when I couldn't get out or couldn't afford to. They never made an issue when our 4th coffee date in a row was my little one tagging along too. They understand that I have to work extra shifts to pay for things so wont be as available in person. I'm always there at the end of a phone for them.

Its life. If you actually care for your friend then you'll do whatever you need to do.

Plus 3-4 hours of a babysitter that you're paying is £££ plus whatever you spend whilst out. On maternity pay, that's not really feasible as part of a monthly budget. You can't just assume that everyone has 'someone' to leave the child with. Also, each stage of babyhood / toddler hood comes with its own issues around bedtime routines, sleep issues, waking issues, wetting the bed issues. It's not a small thing to ask.

I get where you're coming from. A few friends had kids and I would text and chat with them over the phone, because I didn't want them to feel left out of the group. But it's hard when every time you either don't get a response or a reply of 'i'm too busy'. Eventually we just moved on, the world doesn't stop because you had a baby, people are still going to be doing the things they enjoy. Ironically one friend recently got back in contact after a couple of years, and gets really pissy if you don't reply that day to her! After she left several of my messages unanswered! Safe to say i'm not really interested in her or her kids, I've moved on.

@Gogreen

Whenever given a spare hour/day/weekend, my priority wouldn’t be to see a friend...but to sleep.

100% this! 👆

I'm baffled by all these seasonal friendships where friends just get dropped because you have a child.
And all this eternal tiredness that means your social life comes to a grinding halt.

My DC went with me to lunch, coffee, people's houses and everywhere else that was allowed. Even pubs now have playgrounds 🤦🏾‍♀️.
My friends in turn were happy to facilitate me, as I made the effort.

Children also often have another parent or family members who would love to get some unfettered time with them while you go out for air.

I had my friends before children and if they're good friends I plan to have them when they've flown the nest.

I hear you OP.

A strong friendship will survive but the reality is it may be based around accommodating the children. Not everyone has a babysitter, even if they do, babysitting favours may be all used up. Sometimes parents actually want to be with their kids who come first in the early years. Pre kids activities no longer appealed, i breastfed for 18 months, so pretty much no drinking, that meant pubs were boring for me and as I didn't get much sleep, late nights were a write off. I was skint. The friends who said, "let's meet up in the play park and get a few sarnies from the supermarket" or "I'll come to yours/you come to mine" saw me more.

@Ohnoherewego62 the issue it’s annoying that l am expected to make 99% of the effort in many friendships, devoting hours of time and doing things a way a friend wants to. But getting very little back in return. I don’t do this to other people.

It’s hardly a pity party, why l have challenged this friend -lm not a fan of being a martyr. l just don’t agree with people making no effort and expecting other people to accommodate them. My angle is more everyone needs to make an effort.

My friend clearly doesn’t care much for me so why give her that courtesy. Even though failed IVF and a divorce she is “too busy” to speak on the phone. As l have said lm burned out by it all and yeah agree with OP to a large degree about some people

Its life. If you actually care for your friend then you'll do whatever you need to do

Works both ways though, surely?

If you want to maintain your relationships with your childfree friends, then you'll surely understand that their world hasn't ground to a halt just because you chose to reproduce.

That person is not your friend @EL8888. You know yourself that you deserve better than that.

I agree about the both sides of making an effort BUT one person's life hasnt usually changed significantly at that time.

A good friend helps and supports with significant changes such as births, deaths, divorces etc I'm sorry for your struggle but that friend you describe was not your friend.

@candative makes a good point; you need to use babysitting favours to get the occasional moment of having a conversation/meal with your spouse/partner.

I once had a friend have a go at me because I never phoned her and she always phoned me. Thing is, I didn't need to phone her, she already took up more time than I had to give her with her 3 X weekly (sometimes daily) phone calls.