To not understand why friendships change so much after kids?

[AIBU25]

I'm prepared to get slaughtered on this but I'm going to put it out there.

I really don't understand why friendships change so much after someone/a couple has children. I understand they have new priorities and less free time but why not make time for your friends? I don't understand how they expect to maintain friendships with absolutely no effort from their side. Most friends would be happy to do kid friendly activities, why not invite people along? People seem to just forget that there was a life before children.

@AIBU25 do you have kids?

Instead of just telling people not too assume, just tell people if you do or dont. If you do have kids, it might be helpful to explain how you've managed to keep up with pre-baby friendships.

So do you have children then?

I have two groups of friends with kids.

The ones who disappeared off the face of the earth (some never to return) and who only seem to hang out with other parent friends. I get it but it hurts, especially as I've (almost) always been happy to spend time with my friends kids and be part of their lives.
Quite a few of these don't seem to retain their new friends long term. Ante-natal friends, then baby group and pre-school then primary. After that they tend to reappear and if they're lucky the people they ditched might still want to spend time with them.

The other group have found a way to keep in touch with their existing friends. They seem to have been able to strike a balance which has worked for them.

These are the friends whose children I am close to, I babysit for and love spending time with on trips out, weekends away and they're welcome and part of the group.

I'd hope that long standing friendships with shared history, values and interests count for something valuable but apparently not always.

I dunno, I guess that's a rambling way of saying that you don't need to ditch all your friends when you have a child unless you choose to.

Come back and read this when you've had kids op. You'll get it then.

My friendships haven't changed. Yes we went out Les’s when we all had young kids but it soon picked up again.

Priorities change when you have children... I'm one of the last to have children out of my friends but I still understood before that people have their own lives. My life doesn't revolve around my friends, it never has... I've never been one of those people that needs to text or meet regularly, had my own things going on but my friends knew if they really needed me that I would be there for them whatever way I could and vice versa.

I don't think anyone is expecting the friends without kids to make 100% of the effort at all. I think the point is the effort is not required. Of course if your friend needs to talk etc/is going through anything you will be there as best you can, but how you make an effort changes, and the effort they make should change too. Just as you may feel your friend is making less effort by not coming down the pub (which would actually take many times the effort it used to) they may feel you're not making much effort by expecting them to still do the same things and act as nothing had changed rather than catching up over a bottle of wine at theirs after the kids are in bed for example which would be infinitely more manageable.

I tried really hard keeping friendships and making effort when I first had my little one, it was easier when she was small as I could just go to a coffee shop/shopping etc, Then when she was moving around more it just wasn’t fun for her and the child free friend didn’t understand that it wasn’t relaxing! It’s fine now as she will bring her little pack back of toys and colouring but not everyone without children wants to kid friendly stuff!

Tiredness for at least the first 6 months.

^ HUGE underestimation of the time I was knackered for - I don't do well without sleep.

when it was me I was doing things like putting breadknives in the fridge and mobile phones in the freezer.

Spot on - I mean, I had my dc before I had a mobile, but absolutely this ^

A lot of friendships are based on shared lifestyle,

Again, massively. I've had lots of good friendships with colleagues, or people I did my degree with or someone I commuted with and people I did hobbies with, that were great at the time, but once that initial 'link' isn't there anymore, friendships do drift and sometimes get lost in the mists of time and sometimes change and sometimes are put on a back burner for 10 years and then grow stronger again.

She could ask someone to look after her child to go out one evening a month?
If she is ready to leave her child, and if she has someone she trusts to leave them with, here's a thought - maybe she might want to use that babysitter to go out with her husband ?

I don't think it's just about having children, some 'friends' don't bother to keep in touch when they start a new relationship, get a new job, get a pet, an all consuming hobby or whatever.

It hasn't been my experience that I've lost friends due to them having children, maybe I've been lucky, I had my own child years after my closest friend had her children but it's never affected our friendship. Life changes, for many reasons ... now one of the reasons many friends of my age find it is hard to meet up is due to caring for elderly parents (or grandchildren ).

When you have children you have less time for yourself. Less time to wash, less time to do fun things, less time to socialise with friends and less time to keep in touch. You also make new friends in this new chapter of your life. Some old friendships suffer but true friendships prevail.

Well do you have kids OP? I Don't understand why you're being so clandestine about it?

You don't have children otherwise you would know it is still possible to maintain friendships or why it is impossible to make time for friends.

Your talking about your friend. Being a parent is hard. I see my friends less but I do make an effort as do most people. I don't know why your friend isn't able to be in touch. Maybe she is really struggling or maybe she doesn't care about your friendship. You are best placed to know what is more likely.

I don't know but I'm gonna guess you have no children.

A night out a month with babies can be very hard. I breastfed and it would have been nigh on impossible to be out for more than 4 hours. Also involves necogiatimg time out with DH and the fact that you will be woken at 6am no matter what.

Because it is a big adjustment both ways after one friend has a child. And often only one person makes the effort.

The effort can mean, the child free friend being patient and realizing that the person can’t ‘come out to play’ but will still ask how they are. Take an interest in their wellbeing.

The effort for the new parent can mean, not forgetting the friend. Still texting sometimes and just keeping in touch even if they can’t come out.

So often good genuine friendships are lost, often because the child free person gets the hump that they haven’t got a dinner and going out friend. And the new parent loses the friend because they will only talk about their child and forget that people exist outside of their bubble.

Hmm, my bf had her firat baby in 1983. I had mine in 1994. We were miles apart for years but she was the first person to phone "on spec" when I got home with ds. He was 3 weeks early tbf. Years and years passed with just a Christmas card. Different life stages all the way.

We picked it all up like rolling off a log in December at her 60th birthday party.

Friendships survive if you let them and respect the different stages in each others' lives.

I think people with kids just get into a zone where they focused on new little peope,they still care but have less time to invest and when they have a moment they just wana chill out and have quite time not follow up on friends they have less in common with them...its same with people with no children,they don’t want to endure a Coffey with friend where the entire conversation is about the friends children...while at the same time saying they do need a break from children! yet have not a single thing to say that does not involve there children or maybe ask a question about how there friend is...children change relationships no one at fault it’s just how it happens...

I’m honestly surprised by all these answers. I’ve kept up with my friends pretty well? I see them probably every other week and message as well. When DD was a newborn I’d take her along with me (and still do if we’re meeting up for something kid friendly), now I leave her with her dad for the evening and enjoy some child free time.

You keep mentioning sending a text. So yes, if you think texting can sustain a friendship (maybe it can?) then of course there’s no reason people can’t do that.

But meeting up without children can be really, really difficult.

Firstly, I’m not willing to leave a baby for any real amount of time. I’ve breastfed both my kids and I can’t just disappear and babies can get a lot of separation anxiety (mine just cried until she was sick because I had the audacity to leave the room for 2 mins and leave her with her dad ). So no that’s not remotely easy is it? I don’t want to pop off to the pub an hour away from my house and kids when they’re young (read- under a year). If that makes me a crappy friend so be it.

Once they’re a little older I guess you do seem to re-emerge but again it’s still quite difficult. I’m not going to leave a toddler with a stranger and we don’t live near family, so it’s maybe lunches on weekends I could do while DH has them. So obviously I can meet old friends but not exactly spontaneously and still constrained.

Actually the best friends I have have stuck through all of this like I’ve stuck with them through them having children (some of them) or them moving countries or going through major life changes that mean they are unavailable for months or years at a time. We still talk but life gets complicated.

There's actually no way would I want to leave my child once a month to meet a friend either. If I have the free time I would rather spend it by myself to be honest. Or with my partner... Not a needy friend demanding my time.

I had twins and one of them is severely disabled so yes my friendships have taken a hit. I can't go out much or go away with them like I used to. The true friends understand and support me and never make me feel bad for being shit at keeping in contact and I live them for that.
The others the friendships have dwindled a bit but I don't have the energy to invest in it.

If you are talking about a particular friend OP (which I assume you are) then I would recommend checking on her to see that she's ok. I had a baby is 2018 (my first and only) and suffered very badly with PND as a result of this I made no effort with any of my friends (or family or self for that matter) for months. And it was thanks for my persistent friends (two to be precise) that I managed to get help and drag myself out of the hell hole I was living in. I lost a lot of friends during this time because they would try to meet up with me once or twice (at a push) and then gave up on me. You don't know what is going on in other people's life. It sounds to me like you feel a little pushed out and maybe jealous of your friends new life?

@IcedPurple totally this. It’s not selflessness 🙄

Everyone needs to make an effort. You can’t just cruise with the “l have children card”.

Ironically of my friends who makes the most effort has a young child and a very high flying job. She is very busy but all makes a lot of effort so it’s not everyone

Meh, I’m a firm believer in ‘friends for a season & friends for a reason.’ My friends are those around me who are at the same life stages, ie mums of older children. You understand each other’s needs and priorities better. That’s not to say I don’t have childless friends from back in the day, but they aren’t a priority to me anymore nor I to them. We keep in touch but I don’t make much effort as we’ve very different lives. It’s not sad, we all outgrow friendships and make new ones as our lives evolve and change.